Love Always, Demi
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: When shy, quiet, unpopular fifteen year-old Demi is uprooted from her quaint life in rural Texas, she's sure that Florida will never be her true definition of home. But as time goes on, Demi realizes that new friends and new experiences make Florida an unforgettable place to finally call home.
1. I'm Fine

**A/N: This is my newest story, called Love Always, Demi.**

**In this story, I've decided to combine all of my favorite stories that I've written. In this new story, you will see some aspects of Unsafe Place, Changes and Out of My Mind. I hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot of the story. I do not own the characters in the story, I do not own their identities, and nothing I say or put into the story is a direct reflection omy the true identities of my characters. I do not claim anything I say or put into the story to be true. I do not claim to own anything but the plot and the idea of the story.**

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_August 12, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I guess I should start by saying that I miss you. But I'm not having a completely terrible time. I'm sorry I didn't write to you yesterday, I was just so busy settling in. Florida is so pretty! I didn't think it'd be this different from Texas, but it really is. There's a palm tree around every corner! And Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason live a half hour away from a beach. We never got to go to the beach that much back home._

_I'm getting kind of nervous to start school. Yesterday night, Aunt Kathy gave me the website to the school I'll be going to. It's called Mainland High School. I think it's a private school, which is cool. We could never really afford private schools back at home. Uncle Jason says that money's not really a thing anymore, but I still feel guilty about taking from them. I won't worry too much more about school, because I still have three more weeks before I actually start._

_Aunt Kathy said that she'd take me out school shopping sometime this weekend. I don't really understand how she can treat me like her daughter when I just got here yesterday._

_Did you know that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason were rich? Aunt Kathy says that they aren't "rich" they're just "money savvy." I think they're rich. It's probably because Uncle Jason is in the navy, isn't it? Aren't people that serve the country usually rich? I think dad should have went to the navy, don't you?_

_I'm running out of things to write about now, mom. So I guess I have to stop writing. I'll write to you some other time, I promise. I don't want you to miss anything in my life. Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I put my mechanical pencil into the lock box on my nightstand and push my computer chair in. I think the work desk is my favorite part in my new room, because I like to write. That's not usually something I tell people, because teenagers aren't supposed to like to write. But I do. I'm not like a lot of other teenagers, but that doesn't really bother me. Back at home, I had one friend that knew I liked to write. Her name was Melby and she had Cerebral Palsy. Melby wasn't retarded, though. She just couldn't move. She couldn't talk much either, but we had the best conversations. She was mostly a good listener. I miss Melby a lot sometimes, but she moved off to South Carolina with her new foster family, so I don't know her address, so I can't write to her.

I also like to draw. I'm not as ashamed of that fact as I am about the writing, though. I'm not cocky or conceited, but I'm a really good drawer. I mostly like to draw nature things, like trees, birds or lakes. But recently I've been drawing a lot of cartoons. I've almost got my drawing of Spongebob perfectly, but I can never get his pores exactly right. I'd like to learn how to draw people someday.

I grab my cell phone off my dresser and check to see if I have any notifications. I really wish Melby knew how to text message, but like I said, she can't move. Not even her fingers move. I didn't have enough friends to have anyone that misses me back in Colleyville. I wasn't exactly a lame person, but I didn't hang out with the popular crowd. Nobody picked on me, except for a few girls that called me "assface" but that never exactly bothered me. I'm aware that I have a butt for a chin. I can't change it, so I don't think I should stress over it.

I could use a new cell phone. The one I have is one of those Razor phones. My mom bought it for me when we lived back at home. It's yellow, my favorite color. It's not one of the nicest cell phones, but I guess it's okay. It sends text messages and receives calls, but it doesn't get on the internet.

I like living with my aunt and my uncle. It gets kind of lonely, but for the most part, it's peaceful. Nobody yells too much here. Nobody eats dry cereal for breakfast because there's no milk, and I don't have to be sad that I'm hungry. It does make me sad that I left my sister back at home, but I know that she's okay. My other sister's okay, too. I think she's off at Texas University, studying pediatrics. I miss them both, but it's much more pleasant here. It's been taking some getting used to, though; being the only child here and all.

"Demi, honey you can come eat some dinner if you're hungry. It's all finished for you." My aunt Kathy calls to me from the bottom of the spiral staircase.

I round the corner coming out of my new room and approach the top of the stairs. I would really like to slide down the staircase railing, because it's spiraled, but I'm not comfortable with that just yet. So, like a civilized human being, I walk down the steps one by one.

"How big of a piece of lasagna do you want, girlie?"

"Real big." I find myself smiling as I answer her, which is kind of a big deal. I think I'm smiling because I actually get food that isn't greasy and hasn't already been cooked by someone I don't know.

"You got an appetite like your uncle, kid." My uncle ruffles my hair and takes a seat in the dining room.

My aunt and uncle don't eat in the kitchen like we used to. They actually have a dining room that they use. I'm sure they can eat in the kitchen if they wanted to though, because in the middle of the kitchen, there's a bunch of countertops all clustered together with barstools there in case you want to sit down. I believe it's called an island.

I pull out a dining room chair next to my uncle and sit. The chairs in here are really comfortable, and the entire room is just really nice. The walls are light brown with really soft, white plush carpets. My uncle said the carpet is from Persia, but I think he was being an ass. The table is made of black steel with a stained glass tabletop and the chairs match. We're not Chinese, but there are Chinese scriptures and paintings all over the walls. I think it's nice.

My aunt brings in three plates of lasagna and sits them in front of us. You would think that my aunt and uncle would drink some fancy champagne with their dinner, but my aunt just puts down three cans of Pepsi. I grab a fork and cut a piece of my lasagna.

"So kid, how are you adjusting?" My uncle asks me. He cracks open his can of Pepsi effortlessly. My uncle is big and burly with muscles everywhere. His dark brown hair is always messy and unruly and his voice is intimidating.

"I'm fine. It's just a big change…I wish I could go back home…" I shrug and fork the piece of lasagna in my mouth. It's so delicious it tastes like a fancy restaurant made it.

"This is your home now, Demi. You know that, right? I know you miss Texas, but you'll learn to love Daytona Beach. I promise it's not that bad here."

I look down at my plate of food and nod. It's not that bad here in Florida, but I just miss Texas. If the opportunity for me to come back to Texas arose, I don't think I'd go back though. My life wasn't pleasant in Texas. It's pleasant in Florida. I just wish my aunt and uncle could take care of me back home. That's all.

"So you start school on the 31st… Are you excited?" My uncle tries a little harder to make small talk with me.

"I don't know…" I take a sip of Pepsi.

"You can make some friends in school… you'll get to know people." He's already finished with his piece of food.

"I just don't know if they'll like me…" I sigh.

My aunt swallows her mouthful of food and speaks up. "They'll love you. You're a great kid, Demi."

I put my fork down on my plate, because I'm done eating. "I hope you're right."

"So where do you like to shop at? I need to know where to take you to get clothes. We could just go to the mall, but if you have any specific stores in mind, we can definitely go to them."

"I don't know… my mom used to get all my clothes at like… Walmart." I was never allowed to get name brand clothes, because those were too expensive. I had a few pairs of jeans and that was fine with me.

"So the mall it is." My aunt chuckles and pats my wrist. I know she means well by all this, but I really just don't want to talk about school and school shopping.

"…I'm going upstairs. To take a shower or something…" I leave my plate and my can of soda sitting there on the table and walk back upstairs. I hear my aunt and uncle talking about me as I walk away.

"Don't worry about it, Kath. She'll warm up…" My uncle Jason's usually booming voice is soft while speaking to my aunt.

"I just feel so bad… She's only fifteen." My aunt sounds like she's crying.

"It's okay, babe. She's just taking some time to get used to us, that's all. She's okay. She's better here."

"I just want her to be happy, Jason."

Now I feel bad. I am happy. I really am. I'm happy here in Florida. I just wish I could go home. I miss my mom and my sisters. It's not that I miss home as a whole, I just miss the place. I miss the life I used to have back at home before I had to move here; before my aunt and uncle opted to be my guardians.

I walk back into my new room and shut the heavy wooden door behind me. My new room is really nice. I can tell that my aunt decorated it as nice as possible. My bed is enormous with a wooden frame and a big soft mattress. My bedspread is light purple with zebra print all over it and I have six pillows to match. The carpet is the same plush carpet that's downstairs in the dining room and on the floor is a fluffy light purple rug too. My dresser matches the same wood that my bed frame is made of and so do my nightstands. I even have a really big plasma TV mounted on the wall in front of my bed. And as if this super fantastic room isn't enough, I even have my own bathroom. My aunt made the theme of my bathroom match the zebra print in my room.

I think I want to take a shower and go to bed. Even though it's only 6 o'clock in the evening, I'm tired and I need to rest.

In my bathroom, I start my shower water. I make the water super hot and step in. I wash my hair first, because that requires the most energy. I really hope to get a haircut before school starts, because I'm really sick of my boring, dark brown hair. The front bangs make my face look fat and the length is starting to get really gross.

It's not like I ever had anyone to impress back at home, but I shave all my body hair off anyway. I've only had one boyfriend in my life. His name was Cody and he broke up with me because I was too fat. Literally, he told me that I was too fat. Now, he said it nicer, but the idea is still the same. Anyway, Cody and I never did anything bad. We never had sex or anything. I'm too awkward to have sex. But he kissed me and stuff and I think I've wanted to have sex with him a couple times. I don't usually tell anyone that I'm a virgin though.

Even though I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm clueless about how sex works though. I know all there is to know, so when the time comes I'm sure I'll know what goes where and why some things get wetter than other things.

I know all this, because my associates back at home weren't saints. It's amazing how much you can learn from your friends. Plus, I've watched porn before. I swear I didn't look it up myself and just go watch it though. I was at this party for one of my classmates and when we were watching movies, they just turned on porn. Everybody watched it and everybody masturbated to it. I don't masturbate.

I won't lie though. I have masturbated before. I was just curious as to what sex felt like. Cody never wanted to have sex with me, which I found weird. Aren't all boys supposed to be horny freaks? Well, every time the subject of sex would come up, Cody would shy away from it, as if it wasn't something he was interested in. He never even got a boner when we made out. He broke up with me after that. I guess that's why it wasn't much of a shock to me when I found out a month after our breakup that he had a boyfriend. Just my luck to date a gay guy.

Anyway, it's not like I masturbated with some weird sex toy or anything. It was harmless, really. I was in the shower one night and I was curious, so I used my hand. I don't know why, but it wasn't fun. I didn't enjoy it.

I step out of my long, hot shower and wrap a towel around myself. You know what sucks? Puberty. Puberty really sucks.

When I was around twelve, I started growing boobs. Granted, my boobs aren't all that big, but it sucked to have to wear a bra spontaneously. Then my hips started widening, I got a butt, I got some fat and BAM, I started to bleed from places I never wanted to bleed from. I guess I'm telling you about how much puberty sucks, because I just shaved my body hair yesterday night and it's already growing back.

I pull on a pair of underwear that are black with white lace trim and white polka dots on them. They're a little uncomfortable, but they're the only underwear I could find in my drawer at the moment. I refuse to wear a bra to sleep, so I just pull on a baggy t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I towel-dry my long hair and tie it up in a bun.

Before I get into bed for good, I grab my sketchpad and a pencil from my work-desk. I grab my outdated MP3 player and put my headphones in too.

I turn on a song by one of my favorite artists, Michael Buble and drown out the world. I really like to sing as much as I love to draw, but I'm not a very good singer, so I will never pursue that career.

I listen to the music and begin to draw on a blank sheet of paper in my sketchpad.

I draw some lines. Those lines become a trunk. From the trunk, I draw some more curved lines. Those lines become branches. From the branches, I draw ovals. The ovals make leaves. And before I know it, on my sheet of paper explodes a glorious, fall scene.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as my door swings open. I push the pause button on my MP3 player and look over. My aunt sets a glass of milk on my dresser, along with a plate of cookies.

"I thought you might want a snack…" She's trying really hard to be nice to me, I can tell.

"Thank you." I turn my attention back to my drawing, but I don't turn my music back on yet.

"…Demi? Honey… I know things have been difficult for you… since… but I want you to know that I love you. And I promise to make things better for you. This is your new home, so… I'd like for you to start acting like it. I know it must be tough for you to be uprooted from your home, I understand…"

"Aunt Kathy, it's fine. I just need some time. I'm fine. I'm happy here."

"Alright. If there's anything you want or need, just tell me. Okay?"

"Okay."

She turns and leaves my room again and I push play on my music.

I add a few more details to my leaves and tree scene.

The more I listen to my music, the more I find myself getting lost in my artwork.


	2. Asleep

_August 13, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I didn't sleep well last night. I think it's taking me a really long time to get fully adjusted to my new room. Or maybe it's not taking me too long. After all, I've only been here for two days. _

_I think I'm making aunt Kathy upset, because I'm not taking to her hospitality too well. I don't really mean to make her feel bad, mommy. I just don't know what to do here. _

_I miss Maddie and I miss Dallas too. I had a dream about you last night. I miss you so much, mommy. Sometimes, I think about how I just left Maddie at home. Do you think she's okay? I think she is. Daddy always treated her very good. I'm friends with Dallas on Facebook, and she seems to be enjoying Texas State a whole lot. She messaged me last night and asked me how I was adjusting, but I couldn't find it in my heart to message her back. I know it's not good to think this way, but sometimes I really hate Dallas. I understand that she has to have her own life, and for that reason, she had to go to college. But she could've taken care of me and Maddie, right? Since she's over 18. _

_Do you still love me, mommy? I know you see that I'm trying to adjust, but it's so hard. I know you always said that the last thing you wanted was for your girls to get split up, but how could we have helped that? You told me to write you letters whenever I feel sad, but that's all the time. I can't write to you all the time, can I?_

_I'm trying real hard to be strong, mommy. Like you asked me to be. I'm trying to be strong, so I only cry at night. I guess that's why I didn't get much sleep last night. _

_I miss Daddy too, you know. He wasn't always nice to me, but I miss him. Even when he used to give me beatings whenever I did something wrong. I miss him. But I understand that he could only take Maddie because he's her actual real daddy. _

_I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I don't know where you are, mommy. I wish I had some place to put you. I wish I knew where you were. I wish I knew that you were okay. I love you mommy. Please write soon. Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I'm really sleepy. I'm always tired anymore. I have to start getting more sleep before school starts, otherwise I just won't be going.

It smells like my aunt Kathy is cooking, so I get up from my comfortable desk chair and pull on a pair of pajama pants. I even put on the only pair of slippers I packed. They're yellow and really rundown, but they're the only pair I have.

As I walk down the stairs, I'm greeted by the scents of sausage, bacon, eggs and I think I smell oranges too.

"Good morning Demi. I hope you're hungry." My aunt greets me. It's weird that she knew it was me, because she didn't even turn to look. Her back is turned to me as she's scrambling up some eggs, and she never budged.

"Morning." I croak. My voice sounds so raspy from my lack of sleep. I put my hand on my cheek and close my eyes and rest a little.

She scrapes the eggs into a big glass bowl with a spatula and finally turns around. "…Jesus Demi. Did you get hit by a train?"

"Huh?"

"You look horrible…"

"Oh…"

She brings the bowl of eggs over and sits them on the table. She slings her arm around my shoulders and lovingly plays with my bangs. "Are you having a tough time sleeping?"

"Yes…" I admit.

"…I don't usually condone this. But I want you to eat some of this food and I'll give you one of my sleeping pills. You need to rest. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I don't know…" I don't feel like talking about this. I wish she'd just drop it.

"Is your bed not comfortable? Because I can run out and grab you a new mattress today."

"The bed is okay…" I scoop a little bit of eggs on my plate and grab a slice of toast.

"Is it the setup of the room then? You wanna switch it around?"

"No, it's fine." I grab two sausage links. I don't know why I'm piling so much food onto my plate. I'm not going to eat it all.

"…What is it, Demi? Please tell me what it is?"

My eyes are filling up with tears. I spear an egg on the end of my fork and nonchalantly put it in my mouth.

"Demi, honey. If there's anything I can do to make this easier on you, you have to let me know. I wanna help you…" My aunt is getting emotional, which is making me feel really bad.

"You can't do anything, Aunt Kathy. You just can't…" All I do is blink and these tiny little rivers just stream down my cheeks.

"There has to be something. I don't want anything bad to happen to you because you don't have anyone to talk to."

I slide my barstool out from the island and get up. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Demi!"

I ignore her and go upstairs to my room. I flop on my comfortable bed and hold my pillow. I promised my mom I'd only cry at night, but I can't help it right now.

I just want to go back to my life three months ago. Three months ago, everything was alright. Three months ago, I lived in my house with my mommy, my two sisters and my stepdad. Three months ago, I loved my life.

I hear a knock on my door. God, will my aunt just leave me alone?

I sniff slightly. "Come in…"

She opens my door. "Demi, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I won't say anything else… will you just eat this for me?" She offers out my plate of food that I made downstairs.

I take the plate of food and put it in my lap. I chew a piece of bacon.

Aunt Kathy sits down on the edge of my bed and rubs my bare foot. She's touching me so gently, as if she's afraid I'll break. "…You wanna get out of the house later tonight? Just you and me? We'll go see a movie."

"…Sure." I swallow my food and sip some orange juice she brought me.

"Which one do you wanna go see? There's that Mamma Mia movie. Or The Dark Knight. What about Iron Man?"

"I don't care what we see."

"You like animated stuff? That Rat movie came out. And so did um… Wall-E?"

"Ratatouille?"

"Yeah that little Disney movie. It looked cute from the previews."

"Yeah… um… I guess we can go see the Batman movie."

"The Dark Knight it is." She pats my ankle as she stops rubbing my foot. "You wanna go out for dinner too?"

I shrug.

"I'll show you Cabela's. It's this real nice restaurant that's on the beach. You'll love it. They got real good food there, too."

"Sounds good."

She stands up from my bed and grabs my empty plate. I ate all my food, I must have been hungry.

"And here's that sleeping pill. Get some rest. I'll wake you up in a couple hours before we leave."

"Okay, Aunt Kath." I grab the pill and swallow it with some orange juice. She shuts my door behind her when she leaves and I lie in my bed, sleepily.

I really do feel better than what I felt this morning. I feel bad for freaking out on my aunt like I did, but I think she knows I'm sorry. I just had a really bad night. I lie in my comfortable new bed, thinking.

First I think about school.

I hate to admit it, but I'm getting really excited about school. I'm excited about the learning part, not the socialization part. I've always liked to learn. It just feels good to have my brain worked overtime. I love learning new things. I've never been good at making friends, though. I'll really try to make friends, but I'll try even harder not to make an ass of myself. I wonder how Florida people act. Are they preppy or are they just… chill? I'm really afraid to go to school and meet new people. What if they don't like me?

Next, I think about my birthday. The big sixteen is coming up in a few days. I'm gonna be sixteen! I'll be able to start driving, I'll get my driver's license and I'll be taken a little more seriously. It's kind of sad how my mom won't be here to celebrate my sweet sixteen with me though. I don't want to be sad, so I put that thought out of my mind.

Finally, I think about the kind of clothes I'm going to have my aunt buy me for school. I don't want to spend a lot of money, because I never had money like that to spend back at home. But I admit that it feels good to finally have the money to wear what everyone else is wearing. Hollister, Abercrombie, Victoria's Secret, jeans that don't come from Walmart. Oh goodness, I'm actually excited to go shopping!

I'm actually kind of excited to start a new school, too. People at school back home didn't think I was pretty. Nobody really liked me. But maybe if I start this new school, I can start over. I can reinvent myself. Maybe this is exactly what I need.

You know, sometimes I scare myself how I can go from one extreme to another. I don't think it's normal. Maybe I have some internal thing that's wrong with me. Or maybe this is all part of a coping process.

Whatever this is, I guess it's better than me picking up a razor blade like I used to.

I tire myself out with all the thinking I do.

Aunt Kathy's sleeping pill is starting to kick in, so I roll over on my side in my bed and I give myself to sleep.


	3. Tried

_August 14__, _2008

_Dear Mom, _

_It seems like it's been a while since I've written to you, even though it's only been a little more than a day. I'm really trying to like it here, and I think I do. Aunt Kathy is a really good cook, and she makes every meal of the day. She even makes lunch. _

_I don't mean to be rude, but I found that if I don't think about you so much, I don't feel so sad. _

_Aunt Kathy took me to the movies yesterday night, and that was really fun too. We saw the new Batman movie. The one that you wanted to go see, but it came out too late. I think you'd really enjoy the movie. I didn't really get why it was called The Dark Knight until the end, but I think that might have been the point. Before the movie, we went out to this fancy restaurant. This restaurant was nothing like the restaurants we have back at home. You could eat outside at this restaurant, and if you looked hard enough, you could even see the beach. I think it was beautiful. I don't remember what I ate at the restaurant, but I don't think that's important._

_Sometime this weekend, Aunt Kathy said that she wants to take me school shopping. She says it's a little too early to start buying actual clothes, but she'll take me to get a new purse and some supplies. I wonder if people will like me at my new school. Maybe I'll get lucky and meet another Melby. I don't know how I'll survive if I don't meet someone._

_Aside from dinner and the movie, yesterday was pretty uneventful. Aunt Kathy gave me something to help me sleep, and it really did help. I slept really good and I didn't dream of you. _

_You know what I thought about yesterday? How much it sucks that I don't know how to braid my own hair. You promised me that you'd teach me, but you never did. I'm not mad at you or anything. I just wish I could have actually learned it, because now I don't know how to put a proper French braid in my hair. _

_I swear I'm not resentful, but mommy, what were you thinking? Did you think I didn't need you here to braid my hair and do my makeup? Some kids still have their mommies with them to cheer them on or dress them for their high school prom. But I don't have you anymore. Did you even think of me before you went away? How dare you… just leave me without even saying goodbye._

_So… my sixteenth birthday is coming up. And I still remember the driving lessons you gave me a little while ago. I can still hear you telling me "Demi, keep your hands at 10 and 2." How will you know when I finally get my license? Can I write you a letter? I hate not talking to you. _

_Well, I'm going to go now mommy, because I'm starting to get sad. _

_By this point, I know my asking is pointless, but I'll ask anyway. Please write soon?_

_Until next time,_

_Love always, _

_Demi._

I get up from my desk chair and go downstairs to see what my aunt and uncle are up to. It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven't been out of my room yet, so I'm sure they're wondering about me.

I round the corner to the spacious living room and sit down on a soft couch. My aunt and uncle's living room is really spectacular. It's big enough to fit three couches comfortably, plus one love seat. The furniture is all black velvet and the carpets are very clean white. The plasma TV on the wall is so large that it takes up the entire wall space.

"Hey kid. Good afternoon." My uncle Jason smiles as he greets me.

"Are you hungry at all?" My aunt asks.

"No…" I say softly.

"So… I know your birthday's coming up in a little while…" My aunt keeps her focus on the TV as she eases into the topic.

"…Yeah." I sigh.

"Is there anything you want? Anything special you would like? A new… game or something?"

"No… I'm okay with what I've got."

"We can always take her to the nude beach." My uncle Jason ruffles my hair and laughs. I laugh at that too.

"What flavor cake do you like?" My aunt takes a strand of my hair and twists it around her finger.

"…Chocolate." I find myself smiling a little bit.

"We'll have some cake and ice cream and we'll watch movies here. That sound okay?"

It actually does sound like something I'd enjoy. It sounds like something my mom would do for me, because we didn't have much money to do anything special for my birthday. "Yes…. I'd like that."

"And if you're feeling up to it, we can even go to the beach." My uncle winks at me, which makes me chuckle.

The telephone starts to ring loudly and my aunt gets up to grab it, leaving my uncle and I alone.

"….So kid… how you holdin' up?" He offers me a stick of gum.

I take the piece and pop it in my mouth. "I'm okay… today."

"I feel you kid. It's hard on all of us…"

I nod and watch the TV. Family Guy is on and it's one of my favorite episodes. The episode where Stewie goes into Peter's body to kill the future child that he and Lois are going to have.

"…You know… it gets tough on your aunt too."

"…Really?"

"Oh yes, really. She worries about you, Demi. She's very hard on herself about you."

"Why?"

"We never wanted children, the two of us. Kathy's new to this mother thing, you know. And she's afraid that she's not parenting right."

"…Well she's doing a good job…" I say softly.

"You know, I keep trying to tell her that.."

Just then, my aunt walks back in the room with the cordless phone in her hand. "Demi, the phone's for you, honey."

Somebody's calling me? What if it's mom?!

I know that there's no possible way that it could be my mom, but the hope inside me is still burning. I don't know why I get my hopes up, though.

I take the phone from my aunt and put it to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dems. What's up?"

"Dallas?"

"It's me…"

"DALLAS! HI!" I feel like crying so hard. I didn't realize how much I missed my sister until I heard her voice.

"Hi kid… how are you?"

"….I'm good. I'm good, Dallas. I'm good…" I have to really try not to cry. "I miss you…"

"I miss you too. Are you doing okay?"

I get up from the couch and take my phone call outside on the patio. It's such a nice day outside. It's really humid, but the slight breeze doesn't make it too stifling.

"I'm doing fine, Dal. I just… miss it back home…. You know?"

"I know… but hey. Whenever I graduate from my program, you and Maddie can both come live with me."

"That's in like… four years."

"…I'm sorry, Demi. I just… didn't think that I should take care of you and Maddie."

"It's okay… how's college?"

"It's an adjustment. But we're all making changes… are you excited to start school?"

"No."

"Well you have to get to know some people. You're gonna be there for a while."

"I know… but what if they don't like me?"

"They'll love you."

"…Do you miss mom?"

"…Of course I miss her. I miss her like crazy. But there's nothing we can do about it…we knew it was gonna happen… right?"

"…I guess." I sigh.

"…So your birthday's comin up! The big sweet sixteen!"

I laugh a little bit. "Yeah… it's not that big of a deal."

"Sure it is! You're gonna be sixteen… I'm getting old."

"No you're not, Dal."

"You know I love you, right Dems?"

"I know, Dal. I know… and I love you too."

"….Well I gotta go. Call me anytime. And answer your cell phone when I call."

"I will… I promise."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later, kiddo. I love you."

"Love you too."

We both hang up the phone. It felt so good to talk to Dallas. God, I love her so much. I wish she would've taken care of me and Maddie. She didn't think she could do it, but I know she could've.

You see, my mom specifically left everything to Dallas. The house, her money, EVERYTHING. And she even left the custody of me and Maddie to her. Dallas tried to take care of us for a month before everything got bad. She thinks she did horrible, but I don't think she did.

She had to work extra long hours to pay the mortgage on the house, which left her no time to study for her college classes. And her job didn't really make enough to support the three of us. I always went to bed hungry, because it wasn't often that we got food stamps. Maddie was hungry a lot of the times too. So one day, Dallas had a bad breakdown, and she went to the courthouse and signed daddy custody of Maddie. Daddy couldn't take custody of me, because I'm not his real daughter. So Dallas signed custody of me to my aunt and uncle. Now Maddie lives back home with daddy and Dallas lives on campus at Texas University.

I don't blame Dallas for signing over custody of me and Maddie, because that's a lot to ask of any twenty year old.

I just wish she could've respected mommy's wishes and kept us. Even though she didn't think she could do it, I think she could have. Dallas is a very smart girl.

I get up from the chair on the patio and head back inside. My aunt and uncle are back to watching TV.

"Did you like talking to her?" My uncle asks immediately.

I nod slightly.

"She really misses you… you know that, right?"

I nod again.

I know Dallas misses me. I miss her too. And I miss Maddie.

I just really think that if she would've tried harder, the three of us could have been okay with each other.

Besides daddy, Dallas and Maddie are all I have left.

And I don't resent Dallas or anything…

I just hate the fact that she split us up.


	4. Worry

_August 19__th__, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I've been a little bit busy still settling in. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason are really trying to get me to feel good. For the last couple days, Uncle Jason has been helping me change around my room. It kind of looks like my old room back at home now. Aunt Kathy has been giving me her sleeping pills so that I'm not so tired during the day. She's starting to get a little worried that I'll get addicted to them, so she hasn't been giving me much anymore. _

_School's starting soon. I still don't know if I'm excited just yet. I've been here with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason for a little less than two weeks now, and it gets kind of boring, because I wish I had people to talk to that are my own age. I don't know if I told you, but I talked to Dallas a couple days ago. She says she likes it in college and she's okay. I'm glad to know that she's doing fine._

_I guess I'm missing something important. Like the fact that my birthday is tomorrow. I don't feel any different. This birthday isn't like the others. It's my first birthday without you. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason said that we could eat cake and ice cream and watch movies. I'm a little excited about that. _

_Yesterday evening whenever Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason went to the gas station, I got on the computer and read a little bit of the Bible. I thought it'd make me feel better to read up about God, but it didn't. I don't think I would be so confused if I knew what happened whenever people die. I don't think anyone can be sure though. _

_You remember how much I hate the dentist? Well Aunt Kathy set me up with a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned before school. I don't wanna get my teeth cleaned. I didn't realize how much work it was to move from one place to another until yesterday. Aunt Kathy got me a new doctor that I have to go see today. _

_We have a busy day. I have to go see the doctor to get my physical so that I can start school. Then I have to actually get registered for school. I'm a little scared to be the new girl in school. I just hope that maybe people will like me. And hopefully I make some friends. I think my doctor's appointment is at 11:30, so I have to go now mommy. I love you. I know you can't, but asking makes me feel better, so please write soon?_

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I walk a little fast down the hall to the steps. I don't smell food cooking, which is unusual for here. My aunt is always cooking something when I wake up. I go downstairs and round the corner into the big kitchen.

"Good morning Demi. If you're hungry, grab a bowl of cereal. We have to leave soon." My aunt is sitting at the kitchen island drinking a cup of coffee.

"Morning…" I grab a blue glass bowl from the cabinet. I'm a little embarrassed, but I don't know where the cereal is. My face must be blank, because almost as if she can read my thoughts, my aunt speaks up.

"In the pantry, honey." She looks back down at the newspaper.

I open up the pantry and look at what there is to eat. There are so many boxes and cans of everything in here. I look at the cereal: Fruit loops, Golden Grahams, Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, Honey Combs, Honey Bunches of Oats, plain Cheerios, apple cinnamon Cheerios, Kix, Reese's Puffs. I settle for a bowl of Golden Grahams.

"Demi, when you get dressed, make sure you put on shorts. You're getting a physical today." Aunt Kathy gets up and puts her coffee cup in the sink. She stands behind me and plays with my hair.

"I will."

"Do you want to do something different with your hair for school?" I think she's weaving a braid into my hair.

"I don't know… I guess." I shrug.

"I know this real good hairdresser. I'll take you to see her."

"Okay." I finish my cereal. My aunt takes her hands out of my hair and lets me get up.

"Go on and get dressed, kid. Hurry up so we're not late."

I get up from the stool I was sitting on and walk upstairs to my bedroom. I'm in an oddly good mood today.

I follow my aunt's instructions and pull on a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. I even slide on a pair of flip flops, because I'm sure the weather is permitting.

I hurry up and wash my face and brush my teeth and run downstairs. When I'm not thinking about it, living with my aunt and uncle isn't so bad.

I walk out to the car with my aunt and get into the passenger's seat.

"Where's Uncle Jason?" I ask. I fasten my seat belt as my aunt climbs into the driver's seat.

"He had to go do something for the new troops that are training. He'll be back soon. It's just you and me today."

"…How come you guys have been here so long?"

Aunt Kathy pulls out of the driveway. "What do you mean kid?"

"Like… when you're in the service… I thought families relocate a lot. Why have you guys been in Florida so long?"

"Back whenever your uncle was deployed for the first time, we were stationed here in Daytona Beach. We both loved it, so we decided to opt for permanent placement. I don't travel with your uncle anymore."

"…Does it make you sad to stay here while he goes to different countries?"

"No. I'd rather be here in a permanent place. You know?"

I nod. "Why'd you decide to stop traveling with him, though?" I look out the window at all the palm trees we're passing.

"Because believe it or not, once upon a time, your uncle and I tried to start a family together. And I never thought it would be wise to have a baby in ten million different countries."

"I thought you never wanted kids, Aunt Kathy…"

"Well of course I wanted them. But eventually we both realized that it wasn't meant for us to be parents." My aunt seems like she's glad that we're talking. I'm glad too.

"So you just gave it all up?"

"For a little while we did. Jason planned on retiring from the service, so we thought then that we'd adopt."

"Why didn't he retire?"

"The 9-11 attacks got him motivated to go serve again. He was over in Iran for a couple months before he went to Afghanistan. And when we came back from Afghanistan back in April, we talked about trying for a family again."

"…And what went wrong this time?"

"I got the call about your mother. And she told me how she left you and Maddie in Dallas's care. And I knew that I would have to take care of you guys when the time came. I knew Dallas wouldn't do it. So now I have you, and I don't need a baby anymore."

"But I'm not your kid…"

"I consider you as mine. I know your mom would have wanted me to fill in for her."

"…Did she have a plan?" I look out the window again and see that we're pulling into the parking lot of the Health Center.

"Your mom had a plan for you girls. Initially, she wanted Dallas to take care of you. She never wanted you guys to be split up. But I know she'd be okay with me having you and Eddie having Maddie."

"I hope you're right."

"Don't worry about it anymore, Demi. Your mom is okay. I know it still stings a little bit, but your mom is… better. She's not suffering anymore." She parks the car and turns towards me.

I scare myself at how easily I can cry sometimes. One minute I feel fine, but the next minute, they bring up my mom and I just lose it. I put my head down and sigh. "I just didn't think it was going to happen…" I blubber.

"I know you didn't. But she knew it was gonna happen, honey. She knew… I know it still hurts." My aunt wraps her arms around my body in an awkward manner and hugs me.

"….I always thought that chemo would work…" I rest my head on my aunt's shoulder and cry a little bit.

"Not always… not always." She rubs my back and lets me have my moment.

I sniff and keep lying on her. It feels good to be comforted.

"….Let's go see the doctor now. And then we can go to the school. And if you're feeling up to it, we can take a trip to Walmart and see what kind of neat little birthday gifts they have." She wipes my tears from my face. "Your mom wouldn't want you to be sad for your birthday. Smile today and tomorrow for her…"

I sigh softly and nod. "Okay."

Both my aunt and I get out of the car and head into the doctor's office.

The doctor here is way nicer than it is at home. It has bright green walls and dark brown carpet. Everything is made of glass, including the chairs. It looks very modern and sophisticated. "Take a seat over in the corner there. I'll get you signed in." My aunt pats my butt lovingly.

I sit in a glass chair beside a television set and wait. She checks into a window and grabs a clipboard and stuff. She sits beside me.

"Help me answer a couple questions about yourself?"

"..Sure."

"Name?"

I laugh a little bit. "Demetria Lovato."

"Sex?"

"I think I'm a female."

Aunt Kathy laughs a little bit too and fills everything out that she already knows about me. Like my name, birthday, address and phone number.

"When was your first period, Demi?"

"..When I was… thirteen."

"Most recent period?"

"….I don't know. I haven't had one in a while…"

"What do you mean? You've skipped months?"

"…Yeah. Like… two."

"We'll talk to the doctor about that."

My aunt and I are both silent for a while after that. I try to remember when my last period was.

I don't remember when it was. I remember having it, and then it just stopped one month. I know I'm not pregnant or anything, because I'm a virgin. I don't know why my period stopped. I meant to tell my mom about that, but it always slipped my mind. Come to think about it…. I think my last period was three or four months ago, right after my mom was gone. I don't think I've had a period since.

"Demetria?"

I look up from my lap, over at who called my name. A short, chunky old woman called my name from an open door.

"Come on Demi." My aunt stands up. I stand up too and follow both the old woman and my aunt back through a long hallway. We go into a room.

"Step right onto the scale." The old woman tells me. I carefully step onto it. The woman balances it out and weighs me.

"121…" She lifts a stick up and puts it on top of my head. "About… give foot… two inches tall." She grabs a plastic stick. "Under your tongue please."

I open my mouth and put the thermometer under my tongue.

"You're… running a slight fever. 100.2." She straps a cuff around my arm and takes my blood pressure too. "Your blood pressure is normal."

"Is she sick? Should I grab her Tylenol?" My aunt puts her hand to my forehead.

"Tylenol would help bring it down."

I don't feel sick. I don't have a headache, a stuffy nose or even a sore throat. I feel fine.

Maybe the Florida weather is just getting to me.

* * *

"I know you keep saying you don't want anything for your birthday, but seriously? There isn't anything you'd like?" Aunt Kathy is pushing a grocery cart down the aisles.

"…No. I'm okay." I keep trying to tell her.

"Demi. You're starting a brand new school in a week. You saw the school today. It's huge, isn't it? There isn't ANYTHING you want? Like… a new hair straightener? Or some makeup? There's nothing you want for your birthday?"

"N-O. NO."

"…Well come help me pick out a laptop. I'm buying myself a laptop."

"Okay."

We walk over to the electronics section of the store and walk up the laptop aisle.

"Which one do you like? I usually look for the fastest running."

"If you like fast ones, you should probably get like…. One of those Apple computers."

"The MacBooks? Have you ever had one? Do they run fast?"

"Mom and dad could never afford to get me one but I hear they work really good."

"Hmmm… okay. What color should I get?"

"The yellow one is pretty."

"Yeah I like the yellow too. Doesn't Apple make that really cool new cell phone?"

"The iPhone."

"I guess that's what it's called. You ever see one of those things?"

"Yeah one of my friends back home had one. It was really cool."

"I was thinking about buying your uncle one of those. I'm still thinking about it though." She wheels the cart over to the customer service section. "I'd like one of those MacBook laptops please."

A tall, nerdy boy walks over and unlocks the door to the laptops. "What color would you like ma'am?"

"The yellow one please."

The boy grabs the yellow MacBook from the cabinet and hands it to my aunt.

"Thanks." Aunt Kathy puts it in the cart and we keep moving along the aisles. "I'm gonna go to the personals aisle. We need some toilet paper. Do you need anything?"

"No ma'am."

We walk to the toiletry aisle and I watch my aunt grab whatever is needed in the house. She grabs toilet paper, toothpaste, body wash, some lotion and a box of tampons. "Do you use pads or tampons, Demi?"

"I don't need any… I don't get my period."

"But the doctor said that you should prepare to get it within these next months. Depression should only keep your period away for a little while longer. Pads or tampons?"

"…I don't prefer anything. I usually use pads… but I can use tampons too." I shrug.

She grabs a pack of pads from the shelf. They're maxipads, but they're thin and they come in a black wrapper.

"Regular, super or super plus?"

"..You already got me pads…"

"Does your brain ever hurt from worrying so much, kid? Stop worrying so much."

"…Regular."

She drops another box of tampons in the cart for me. "Let's go home. I'm hungry. Are you?"

"Yeah I am. A little bit."

Aunt Kathy goes to a self checkout and pays for everything in the buggy. I can't believe that she has the money to just go splurge on a new laptop like that.

I help her carry the bags out to the car and we start driving back home.

"Demi. I want you to listen to me. Okay?"

"I'm listening, Aunt Kath."

"Stop worrying so much about spending money. You're my responsibility now, alright? I have the money to spend on you. I can spend it. You don't worry about it."

"…I don't like for you to spend anything on me though… it doesn't feel right." I sigh.

"I know you're not used to it. But you gotta start. Look, kid. All I ask from you is that you don't give me any trouble and keep your grades up when school starts. I'll give you anything you want, Demi. Anything your little heart desires, it's yours. Just be a good kid."

I decide to make a joke. I'm usually always funny, but I haven't been lately. "…I want a car for my birthday."

"…Seriously? What kind of car?"

"I'm not serious, Aunt Kathy."

"…You aren't? Well you are gonna be sixteen. Maybe a little car for you to get around in isn't a bad idea. Let's just get your permit first."

"Don't get me a car."

"Not for your birthday, but eventually."

"…Okay. Okay."

I don't wanna be a brat, but I could really get used to being spoiled rotten.


	5. Happy Birthday

_August 20, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_It's my birthday! I don't think I need to tell you that, but I'm oddly excited. Sixteen doesn't feel any different than fifteen, but I'm a whole year older. It's kind of exciting when I think about it. _

_I just woke up, so I haven't had the chance to miss you for my birthday yet. Aunt Kathy must have let me sleep in for my birthday, because I slept until 12:30. It's 1:00 now, and I still haven't been out of my bedroom yet. I'm sure if I'm not downstairs in a half hour, Uncle Jason will be up to get me. _

_I didn't ask for anything for my birthday. I really don't want any presents. Aunt Kathy kind of forced me to get a cake, so I got cake and ice cream to enjoy later on tonight. Cake and ice cream is just enough for me. To be honest, the only gift I want for my birthday is the chance to talk to you one last time. Mommy, if I knew that my last time talking to you was actually going to be my last, I would've cherished it more. Aunt Kathy says that you're better, and I like to think she's right. _

_If you were here for my birthday, what would you get me? Would you get me a necklace like you always did? I still have the one you gave me for my fifteenth birthday. I never take it off. _

_Aunt Kathy told me that you wouldn't want me to be sad for my birthday, so I'm going to go ahead and leave now. I promised her that I'd be smiley and as happy as possible for today, because that's what you'd want. Writing is making me sad. I promise I'll write tomorrow. I love you. …Write soon, if you can._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I push my desk chair in and fold up my letter. I put my letter in my lockbox and slide on my slippers. It's my birthday. I'm not going to be sad today. I hold onto the black spiral railing as I come down the stairs.

Today is very different from the other days I wake up at my aunt and uncle's. It's usually really quiet, with the smell of food really loud.

Today, the smell of food is still very loud, but so is the stereo. My aunt has music playing.

I round the corner into the kitchen, confused. I know it's my birthday, but no need for the early celebration.

"There's the birthday kid!" Uncle Jason ruffles my hair roughly and pats me on my back. I can't help but smile.

I look at myself in the glass of the sliding door in the kitchen. I look really rough this morning. My t-shirt is black and very wrinkled, and my purple plaid pajama pants are about ten sizes too big.

"Good afternoon. Would you like some birthday brunch?" My aunt gives me a hug too.

"…Sure. I'm starving…" I say truthfully.

"Alrighty. We've got hash browns, pancakes, ham, scrambled eggs, some bacon, sausage, French toast slices and chocolate chip waffles. What sounds good to you?" My uncle grabs a plate to make for me.

I'm genuinely smiling, which makes me feel warm inside. It sounds funny, but it feels really good to be smiling. "I'll take some of everything."

"You got it kid."

I sit and wait for him to bring me my plate of food. Aunt Kathy puts a glass of orange juice beside me. "You feel any older?" She plays with my matted, messy ponytail.

"Yep. When I got out of bed this morning, I broke my hip." I lay on the sarcasm really thick.

"Oh my. You might have a little bit of osteoporosis. I'll take you to see a hip doctor tomorrow. Might need a replacement." My aunt plays back with me.

I laugh softly and nod. "I'm gonna need prune juice here in a minute."

"That's gross, Demi."

I laugh again and tap my foot in tune with the music. My aunt and uncle are very modern people. They like to listen to any kind of music, not just the oldies. And they both hate country music, except for a couple songs. For the most part, they listen to the stuff that's on the radio, which I think is pretty cool.

"Here you go, old lady." Uncle Jason puts my full plate of food in front of me.

"Thanks." I grab a fork and cut into a waffle. My aunt should be a chef or something, because her food is always incredible.

"….And what's a birthday without some presents?" Aunt Kathy opens up the bottom cabinet, beneath the sink and exposes a whole hiding space FULL of gifts. I didn't want any gifts. I don't really need them… and it's not their responsibility to buy me birthday presents.

"…Guys. I said no presents…" I stop eating momentarily and stare. There has to be at least twenty different wrapped presents in there; maybe more. I'm taken aback by how many there are.

"It's your birthday, Demi. Everyone gets presents for their birthday, kiddo." Uncle Jason pats my arm while I watch Aunt Kathy unload all the presents from the cabinet.

"Let's start with this one. This one's from Uncle Jason." Aunt Kathy hands me a small box wrapped in blue and yellow polka-dotted wrapping paper.

I really feel like crying. They aren't my parents. They shouldn't be doing this. How is it so easy for them to treat me like I'm their own daughter? They must've spent thousands of dollars on all these presents…

I tear open the small present from the corner. It's kind of heavy, so it must have a lot of something in it. I rip off the paper carefully and look at what's on the inside. It's a brand new, 16gb iPod Touch.

"I noticed you were listening to that raggedy MP3 player." Uncle Jason takes a seat next to me.

"…Thank you." I turn the box and examine it from the outside. It's beautiful, to be honest. I love it.

"Open mine next!" My aunt is acting like a little kid. She shoves a much larger present in front of me. This present is wrapped with zebra print paper.

I tear open the paper on this one carefully too. This one is incredibly heavy, I probably couldn't pick it up myself. I crumple the paper up and look at the box. It's the same yellow, apple MacBook my aunt picked up yesterday.

"…This is MINE?" I feel my eyes pop out of my head.

"Mhm. You said you liked the yellow one…right?"

"…Holy…. Gosh… This thing was… like…. $800…" I can't get my mouth to shut.

"Do you like it though? I can take it back and get you a new color…" She opens up the box and pulls out the computer. It's shiny yellow with the silver Apple logo on the back. It's so, so, so, SO nice.

"I LOVE it…" I run my hand over the shiny part.

"And this next one is from the both of us." Uncle Jason hands me another small one, wrapped in the same paper as my iPod was.

I feel a little bit better now, because all of the expensive gifts must really be out of the way. They bought me an iPod and a MacBook. What else could they possibly buy me?

I carefully open up my next gift. And I almost fall completely out of my chair when I see what it is.

"….Guys I really said… no… presents. Oh my god…." I pull off the top of the box it's in and hold it in my hand. It TRULY is beautiful. My VERY OWN, pristine white and silver iPhone.

"Demi, will you just shut up and say thank you? I told you we don't mind it." My aunt shakes her head and rubs my back.

I can't accept this. I just… can't. This is all $2,000, and it's only three presents. I have a ton more to open. I can't accept these…

"But… it's an IPHONE…"

"I know what it is. And you needed a new phone. That ugly flip phone you have is horrible. And it's already activated and everything. I ported your number over too."

"…Thank you so much Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason…. I don't know what else to even… say…"

"Just tell us you love it." Uncle Jason is grabbing more presents.

"I do. I really do. I love it. I love them all." I nod really fast to get them to believe me.

"The rest of everything is from the both of us." He puts all of the remaining presents on the table.

I feel better opening up the rest of them, because they're all little things. Nothing that was REALLY expsensive.

When I'm finally done opening up everything they gave me, I have: an iPod, a MacBook, an iPhone, three iPhone cases, two iPod cases, a sleeve to carry my laptop in, a charm bracelet, a 64 pack of colored pencils, a big stack of paper and a new sketchpad, a brand new Coach purse (that made me almost pee whenever I opened it), a couple new bottles of perfume, a few iTunes and App Store gift cards, the new Twilight book that just came out a couple months ago and a few bags of Hershey kisses.

"I'll go pick up your cake and ice cream a little later. What do you want to order for dinner?" Aunt Kathy asks as she helps me pack up all my new gifts to make it easier for me to carry them upstairs to my room.

"Umm….. Chinese food." I really am being happy and smiley today, and the best part is that I'm not faking it.

"Chinese food is cool. And we can order a couple movies to watch. Sound good?"

"Mhm." I nod. I feel like it's only fair for me to help clean up, so I start to wash my plate in the sink.

"Kath, what about the other present? That's outside?" My Uncle Jason tries to whisper, but I heard him say it.

I can't take anymore presents. I really can't. I hope it's like… a little piece of shit present. That way I won't feel so crappy taking from them. I really hope it isn't a car. Uncle Jason said that it's outside, so it probably is a car. I can't take a car from them. I'll convince them to take it back.

After she and my uncle have a silent discussion about what to do with "the present that's outside", my aunt leaves the kitchen and I assume, she goes outside.

I finish washing the dishes and dry my hands on the brown plush towel that's hanging on the stove.

Well, neither one of them are telling me to go outside, so maybe it isn't a car. I hope it isn't. Don't get me wrong; a car would be very, very nice. But I could never take such a thing from my aunt and my uncle. I'm not even their daughter.

"Demi? Are you lonesome living here at all?" My uncle asks, putting away the dishes I just washed.

"…Not really. I mean… a little. I get sad sometimes, because I miss my sisters but it's never really lonely. I do wish I had company sometimes though… Why?" I answer him very honestly.

"I was just wondering."

"Where'd Aunt Kathy go?" I already know, but I ask anyway, in hopes that maybe he'll slip to me what the present outside is.

"She went to go grab something off the porch. She'll be back in."

Okay, so if she's grabbing it off the porch, it can't be a car.

Just before the anticipation kills me, my aunt walks back into the kitchen. And she isn't alone.

I feel my heart go up into my throat and once again, my eyes pop out of my head. Oh my goodness…

"Oh my god!" I exclaim, just before clamping my hands over my mouth in surprise.

In my aunt's arms, she has a light brown puppy with big, round eyes and droopy little ears. Around its neck, there's a yellow ribbon. It's SO cute. Oh my goodness.

"IS IT MINE?! WHAT IS IT?!" I'm so freaking excited right now, it's unreal. I hold my arms out for my aunt to give it to me.

She's laughing at my reaction. "Yes, it's yours. It's your new brother. Take care of him." She dumps the puppy in my arms, and I can see now that he's a wiener dog. He has a long, slim body and big droopy ears. He's perfect.

"I love it… what's his name?" I hold him up and let him lick my cheek. He's so cute. His little cries in my ear are making me laugh though.

"You name him whatever you want to name him. Demi, you have to take care of him. He's YOUR dog. You hear me?"

"I hear you Aunt Kathy… I hear you. I will. I'll take care of him and stuff. I promise." I pet his head and play with his droopy ears. He makes me miss all the dogs I had back at home. I'm glad I have at least one. I love puppies.

"How much bigger is he gonna get?" I ask. I put him down on the floor and examine his size. His long body is no bigger than the size of a hot dog and his head is the size of a baseball and his ears drag on the ground. He's the color of sand, but the tips of his ears look like they were spray painted dark brown. He's perfect.

"He isn't going to get much bigger than that. I made sure I got the teacup version of him. You figure out what you're going to name him?"

"….He looks like…" I have to think. A name is a very serious thing, you know. He's stuck with his name for as long as he lives. It has to be a good name. "His name is Jorge. Spelled J-O-R-G-E. Pronounced like Hore-hay. Okay?"

"Jorge… where the hell did you come up with Jorge?"

"I dunno. He just looks like a Jorge." I smirk a little bit.

This is shaping up to be a pretty good birthday.

Maybe I'm turning into a spoiled little bitch, but I'll try to stay humble.

I definitely have to tell mom about all the presents I got.


	6. Big Girls Don't Cry

_August 21, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Yesterday was so much fun. I don't really want to admit that, because it was my first birthday without you. But it really was a good birthday. You wouldn't be mad at me for having fun without you, would you?_

_So anyway, I got a lot of presents. I didn't even ask Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason for presents, they just got me them. They spent a lot of money on me. I don't have a favorite gift, because the iPod, iPhone and the MacBook are all pretty awesome. But if I had to choose my favorite gift, I'd probably choose Jorge. Jorge is my puppy, and he is so cute. He looks nothing like Bailey and Bella back at home, but I guess that's fine. He's still super cute. He's a wiener dog, and I think you'd really like him. I didn't know they made teacup wiener dogs. He's a teacup, so he won't get much bigger than what he is now. I guess I should stop calling him a wiener dog, because the proper name is Dachshund. I don't know why I named him Jorge, he just looked like a Jorge to me. He slept on my pillow last night, and I even shared my blankets with him._

_I'm really starting to feel like Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason are my parents. That doesn't make you mad, does it? _

_I don't mean that they're taking you or daddy's place, because they could never do that. I'm just saying that they feel like parental figures. They cook for me, buy me things and make me feel better whenever I get sad. Isn't that what parents are supposed to do? I just wish I wasn't so confused, because I want to feel like I'm their daughter, but I also don't want to make you feel bad._

_I talked to Dallas, Maddie and daddy yesterday. It was really nice to hear from them. Dallas said that she really missed me, and she was going to send my birthday gift in the mail. She really didn't have to get me anything; hearing from her was a gift in itself. _

_Maddie started to cry when she heard my voice. I cried too. She told me she loved me and missed me and she told me that my barbies were very well taken care of. I really miss Maddie. I wonder how she's getting along without you. I wonder if she's taking it as bad as I am._

_Daddy told me that he loved me and he said that he didn't have the money to send me a gift just yet, but he got a new job so he and Maddie are okay. I'm just glad that Maddie is never hungry anymore. I feel bad that it took dad so long to get his act together._

_Does it make you sad that Dallas couldn't have taken care of us? I know that's what you really wanted. It makes me sad that I can't be home. If I would have been able to stay with daddy and Madison, I swear I would've gotten a job. I would've helped. But the law is a bunch of bull crap and they don't like for people to be happy. That's what Dallas says._

_I start school in approximately six days. Today, Aunt Kathy is taking me school shopping. She says that there's no limit to what I can buy, but I'm going to limit myself anyway. I'm not sure how to make friends yet, but I'm really going to try. Uncle Jason has to do some stuff with military training tomorrow and the day after, so we have to get all the shopping done today. Remind me to grab pencils. The good mechanical kind; not the ones that are crappy with the crappy eraser. I'm going to go now, mommy. I'll let you know how nice the mall is._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I have to be downstairs, dressed and ready to go in ten minutes. I probably shouldn't spend as much time writing to my mom as I do.

I open up my drawer and grab a pair of shorts to throw on. My wardrobe really is crappy. Maybe some new clothes really won't hurt. I pull on the pair of raggedy shorts and put on a purple tank top. I look down at myself. My boobs are really flat. They look like little nubs that poke out slightly. My stomach is naturally flat, and the rest of my body falls off like a straight board. The only thing I have going for myself is my butt, which sticks out pretty far. I'm very satisfied with my body. I don't think I'm too fat, but I also don't think I'm too skinny either. I think I'm at a happy medium. I'm just not satisfied with the way I look. My boring brown hair and boring brown eyes are unappealing.

I check the time on the clock next to my bed. The clock reads "12:52", which means I need to be downstairs soon. I hurriedly slide on the only pair of white flip flops that I own and don't even think twice about combing my hair.

Off my dresser, I grab my new iPhone and slide it securely in the front pocket of my shorts. I use my one hand and hoist Jorge off my bed and I shut my door behind me as I leave my room. Jorge claws my arm, afraid that I'll drop him. I don't like to cage him up, but my aunt will kick his ass if he pees in the house, so I have to.

I take him into the mud room where we keep all our shoes and lock him in his cage. He whimpers and paws at the cage.

"I'll be right back, I promise. I promise I'll be back." I reach my hand through the slats on the cage and pet his head. He licks desperately at my hand.

"Demi, Come on. I don't wanna catch traffic." My aunt calls from the hallway.

"Bye Jorge." I pet his head once more and listen to him cry and whine as I walk away.

"Do you want to hit the mall?" Aunt Kathy slides on her sunglasses as she grabs the car keys.

"Yeah… the mall is okay."

"And after the mall, we can go to Staples. So you can get your supplies. I made your hair appointment for Sunday morning. Your dentist appointment is Friday."

"Okay." I follow her out the house and into the big black Escalade.

"You're gonna love the mall, Demi. It's nice and big. Every store you can think of is in there. You have any idea of where you wanna go?"

"…No not really." I'd really like to get some of the expensive clothes that my friends back at home used to wear. Those clothes were always really nice. But I know they cost an arm and a leg, and I don't want to bleed my aunt dry with the money.

"Well we'll just hit every store that looks interesting. I love to shop. That's one thing you should know about your auntie." She leans in and tampers with the volume on the radio.

"I don't know if I like to shop." I say a little quietly.

"We'll figure that out today." She turns a corner onto a long highway.

I look out the window of the truck. It's so nice here in Florida. The air is very muggy and heavy with humidity. Palm trees line the entire length of the highway, and seagulls are flying high in the sky. It's beautiful. I think it's a little funny how every so many miles on the highway, there's a swamp off to the side with an alligator or two resting in the green waters.

"I hope you know, I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you." Aunt Kathy sings along to the song on the radio.

I know this song. Me and Dallas used to sing it sometimes whenever we went to go get dinner from McDonald's or something. I'm a terrible singer though, and I refuse to sing with my aunt.

"It's personal, myself and I we have some straightening out to do." Come to think of it, my aunt isn't a good singer either.

"And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket…" I join in softly, because I simply can't help it.

My aunt smiles really big at me and turns the radio up a little louder. "But I've gotta get a move on with my life."

"It's time to be… a big girl now. And big girls don't cry…" I sing.

"You got your mama's singing voice. It's beautiful." Aunt Kathy reaches over and pats me on my knee.

"…I'm a terrible singer."

"No, I'M a terrible singer. If you were terrible, I'd tell you so. You're good, Demi."

I smile a little bit. "Thanks…"

"Don't thank me. Just sing on." She turns the radio up WAY louder as the chorus comes around again.

It makes me happy that Aunt Kathy likes my singing, so I sing some more for her. This time, I sing the whole chorus.

"I hope you know, I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I… we have some straightening out to do… and I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket but I've gotta get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now… and big girls don't cry…"

I'm having way too much fun singing with my aunt. We even sing the next part, and it feels weird because I can tell that this is her favorite part of the song, because aside from the chorus, it's the only part she knows.

It's the same for me. It's my favorite part too. So like two idiots, we laugh and sing the next part together.

"Like a little schoolmate in the schoolyard. We'll play jacks and uno cards. I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine. YES YOU CAN HOLD MY HAND IF YOU WANT TO… cause I wanna hold yours too." We both bust out into loud, hysteric laughter at how we both blurted out the "hold my hand" part.

In so many ways, my aunt reminds me of my mom. Me and my mom used to sing with each other like this. We used to sing "Teardrops On My Guitar" like we were on American Idol. That was before she got sick. After she got sick, she couldn't do much more singing with me. I hope my mom wouldn't be mad at me for enjoying our special thing so much with my aunt.

Eventually, Aunt Kathy pulls into the parking lot of the mall. She parks by the entrance of the food court.

"I hope you got your game face on. Cause we're gonna shop 'til we drop." She locks the car when we step out.

I smile a little, because I can't help it. "I'm ready…"

I follow her into the mall.

The mall is SO NICE. The floors are all made out of this light brown wood, and there are even palm trees inside the mall. Right in the middle of everything, there's a HUGE fountain that's spitting water at least 1,000 feet up in the air. It's all so much nicer than back at home. In the food court, there's every single restaurant you can think of. TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday, Chili's, Subway, McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Taco Bell, The Asian Rice Bowl, Charley's, Italian Village, Orange Julius, Mrs. Fields, Auntie Anne's, Long John Silver's…. and so many more. I can't believe this.

"You're not hungry, are you?"

"No… I'm not. Not yet." I say, still looking at the plethora of places to eat. This place is heaven.

"You want to get a smoothie for the trip? You might get thirsty." She grabs her wallet out of her purse and pulls out a $50 bill.

"….Sure." I follow her over to the smoothie place called Orange Julius.

"What do you want kid? I always get the orange pineapple one."

"I want the strawberry banana…"

"One large orange pineapple smoothie with extra whipped cream and one large strawberry banana smoothie please."

This young, blonde haired boy makes our smoothies for us. "That'll be 18.29." He says as he hands my aunt both cups.

My aunt pays for the drinks and we're off on our mall adventure.

"Which store you wanna go into first? What looks interesting?" We're riding the escalators up to the higher level of stores.

"Um… don't know…." I look around with the straw of my smoothie in my mouth.

"Let's just start from each corner and work our way around. They have the stores in alphabetical order."

We both step off the escalator and walk over to a store that's very darkly lit. It has weird little bamboo sticks on the outside and there's beachy music playing whenever we approach it. I look at the title of the store, written in white letters. Abercrombie & Fitch.

Inside the store, it's dark too.

"Don't worry about spending money, Demi. Okay? Get whatever you think is nice." My aunt sticks with me as we walk through the dark store.

I walk over to the blue jeans. I grab a couple different pairs: one with premade rips around the thighs and the knees, one that hug around my calves, a light blue pair and a dark blue pair. I think I have enough pairs of jeans.

Back at home, my friends used to have the real cute shirts and pairs of sweatpants that had the A&F logo on it. I always wanted some that were like that. So I grab some. I grab a red shirt with white writing on it, a navy blue shirt with white writing on it, a yellow shirt with red writing on it, and a lime green shirt with pink writing on it; they all have "A&F" written on them in some way or another. I grab a couple pairs of sweatpants and shorts to match the shirts I got. All in all, I spend $194.12 in the store. My aunt seems to be glad that I'm spending this money.

* * *

Seventeen stores and $2,785 later, I'm all finished with my school shopping. And my aunt couldn't seem happier.

"So do you want to sit down and eat before we head over to Staples or do you wanna go to Staples and then eat?" Aunt Kathy has at least ten of my bags in her arms, and I'm holding a good thirteen.

"We can eat first…. I'm hungry."

"Alright. Where do you want to eat at?"

"Um… I wanna go to Italian Village and get some pizza." I say.

"Okay, honey. I'm gonna go grab something from Long John Silver's. Find us a good seat if you get your food before I do."

"Okay." I secure my bags in my arms and walk over to the pizza place.

"Can I take your order?" The man who's working the station asks me. I feel bad that he's working alone.

"…I just want… two large slices of pepperoni pizza and an order of the breadsticks." I say.

He types in my order on this order pad. "And to drink?"

"A large Pepsi." I watch him as he makes my plate of pizza and breadsticks. He has dark, short, curly hair and facial hair that makes him look a little bit dirty. I can tell that he has a lot of muscles, because he's not even flexing and they show a whole lot. The hair on his head covers his forehead, so it looks like he doesn't have eyebrows. I think he's kind of ugly, but maybe it's just a long day at work.

"That'll be $20.37, miss." He says.

I fish a twenty and a one out of the wad of money my aunt gave me. "Keep the change."

"Thanks." His voice is gravelly.

I take my tray of food and walk off towards where my Aunt Kathy is sitting.

"So… did you enjoy your hardcore shopping trip?"

"I'm still thinking about it." I answer as I sit down next to her.

"You excited for school now? Excited to make friends?" She bites into a french fry.

I grab a breadstick and dip it into the marinara sauce. "Yeah, a little bit."

"You see any cute boys here today?"

"Nope."

"Bummer."

I swallow my small bite of breadstick. "Well… the guy who gave me my pizza was kind of… I don't wanna say he's cute. Because he's not… he looks kind of dirty. But he's nice. I think if he brushed his hair or something he'd look a little bit better."

"You get his name?"

"No."

I guess I am excited to start school. I'm excited to meet friends.

And maybe… just maybe…

I'll meet a cute boy.


	7. Preparations

_August 26, 2009_

_Dear Mom,_

_Things have been pretty good. I get scared when things start to go good though, because that usually means that things will be bad again._

_I don't think I told you about the mall. It was amazing! Sorry I didn't write to you sooner, but I was so busy. I think Aunt Kathy spent about $3,000 on me. Isn't that crazy? That she would spend all that on me? I don't want to be a brat, but I think I could really get used to this._

_School starts tomorrow. I'm not excited as much as I am nervous. I'm so scared to meet new people. I know it's the first day for everyone, but surely everyone will already know everyone. When I got registered for it, I saw a little bit of what it looked like. It's so big, mommy. It's much, MUCH bigger than the school back at home. I'm a little upset that they didn't give me a tour of the school. I don't know where anything is. Aunt Kathy said that I'm going to do something called "A Shadow Day" with another girl that's in my same classes. I don't know the girl's name yet, but I just hope she doesn't decide that she hates me. I don't know exactly what a "Shadow Day" is, but I'm hopeful that maybe it's something that'll get me to be familiar with the school. _

_These last couple days have been filled with last minute preparations. Monday, I went school shopping. I got all my clothes, and we even bought my supplies. I have five binders, five notebooks, five folders, three packages of mechanical pencils, a big tote bag that Aunt Kathy bought me from Victoria's Secret and a brand new calculator. I think I have everything I'll need. _

_Tuesday, I went to get new shoes from the shoe store. I was a little confused when we went to TSW (The Shoe Warehouse) instead of Payless. I got some pretty nice shoes. I have every color flip flops that you can imagine, a pair of good Nike sneakers for P.E. class, a pair of Jordans and a couple pairs of flats. Aunt Kathy got me a pair of silver sparkly converse that I don't think I'll be wearing much._

_Wednesday, Aunt Kathy insisted that I go get a manicure and pedicure with her, so I did. My feet feel really soft now, and they have little black tips on them. I think it's cute. My nails match my toenails, but the nail part wasn't as enjoyable as the feet part. _

_Thursday is when I had to go back to the doctor's. I had to get some kind of shots, otherwise they wouldn't let me in school. I don't understand that. It's not like I have some incurable disease, but I guess it makes them feel safer because I'm vaccinated. I got six shots, and both my arms felt like they were going to fall off._

_Friday was the worst, because I had to go to the dentist. The dentist here is very clean and it's not in an office like it was back at home. It's a very private dentist, in a small house. I can tell this man gets a lot of patients though, because even though his office is in a house, the parking lot and waiting area was filled. I got my teeth cleaned real good, and the dentist told me that I have to floss better or else my teeth would rot out of my head. He also told me that I have some of the best teeth without braces he's seen in a very long time._

_Saturday was a relaxation day. I was glad that we didn't have to go anywhere, because I'm really sick of leaving Jorge alone all the time. Jorge peed in the house and Aunt Kathy kept him in the cage for an hour. He cried the whole time, and I let him out a few minutes before his hour was up, but don't tell Aunt Kathy._

_Now today is Sunday, and I went to get my hair done. My hair isn't that different, I swear. It's a whole lot darker, though. And I don't have those horrible bangs anymore. Instead, the hairdresser gave me side bangs. I think it looks cute, but it makes my face look incredibly fat. Maybe if I'm nice to people tomorrow, they won't notice and they won't call me "assface" like the kids back at home used to. Wishful thinking though, right?_

_I'm gonna go now, mommy. I have to go to bed early tonight, so I should take a shower and go eat some dinner. I love you. I hope you're okay, wherever you are._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I'm hungrier than I usually am, so I go right downstairs after I finish writing my letter. Aunt Kathy doesn't like for us to eat out more than once a week, so she cooked tonight. I don't complain either way. Take out or restaurant food is really good, but my aunt's cooking is just as delicious.

"Look who decided to grace us with her presence." Uncle Jason says teasingly as he lies across the couch.

"Your life just got a whole lot better." I joke and sit down next to him on the couch. I settle in to watch the rerun of American Dad.

"I hear you start school tomorrow, you little punk. Excited?" He nudges me with his foot.

"Ew!" I push his foot away from me and laugh. "But yeah… a little. Mostly nervous."

"Understandable for your first day. Give it a week. You'll be friends with people in no time, punk."

"I hope you're right…"

Uncle Jason leans up off the couch and grabs the remote. "The Rays game is comin on." He turns the channel to baseball. "You like baseball, punk?"

"I used to watch it with dad sometimes… it was interesting."

"You ever play sports back in Texas?"

"…No."

"Why not?"

"We couldn't really afford it."

"Were you interested in any?"

"…I liked the look of soccer when Dallas played it. But she had to quit. I dunno…. The softball team looked cool too. I always wished I could be a gymnast though, but I'm too fat." I laugh a little bit.

"If you want to do anything… you let me and your aunt know. Sports should be fun for all kids. You know? And I don't have a kid to cheer on. So it'd be nice to go see you play somethin'."

"I'll keep an open mind." I lean over and lie down on my uncle. He's really big and burly with muscles all over the place, but at the same time, he's cuddly.

Uncle Jason lets me lay on his side. He lifts his arm up so that I'm more comfortable and rests his hand on my forearm.

"Uncle Jay?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"….If you and Aunt Kathy did have a baby… what did you want it to be?"

"Don't tell your aunt. But I wanted a daughter; to protect her from boys and coach her softball and basketball team. All that stuff. But things happen." He rubs my forearm.

"You didn't want a son?"

"I did. But I thought a girl would be better than a boy. I grew up with three brothers, punk. I'm a little tired of boys."

"Oh…" I turn my attention back to the baseball game. "…Why did you and Aunt Kathy decide to stop trying? For good?"

"I don't know why, kid. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Me and Kathy tried for six years to have a baby, it never worked."

"Six years? But aren't you guys only like…"

He interrupts me, "I know, I know. I'm only 30. She's 29. We got married young, punk."

"If you guys wanted to… you could have a baby. I don't think you guys should stop trying…"

"When I think about retiring, we'll talk about it again."

"Retiring? You're 30!"

"I've been in the service since I was 19, kid."

"I guess it has been long enough."

We're both quiet for a while. I'm trying to focus on the baseball game, but it's a little bit hard to. I'm really glad that I can just talk to my aunt and uncle the way I do. It's so easy, because I feel like they relate. They understand me.

"Come and eat dinner, you two." Aunt Kathy says from the dining room. I hear her clinking glasses and forks together.

I get up from my uncle's side slowly. He grabs my arm and helps me stand up. "You alright?"

"I'm fine." I nod and stand on my feet without his support.

"You were a little slow getting up, that's all." He stands up too and we both walk into the dining room.

"You want salad Demi?" Aunt Kathy asks me. She has a small bowl in her hands, ready to dig into the salad with the salad tongs for me.

"Mhm." I sit down in the very comfortable chair.

"I want you to eat real good, take a bath and be in bed by 9:30. I put a bottle of Melatonin in your room. Take two before you go to bed." She puts a bowl of salad in front of me and a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs.

"What's Melatonin?"

"Something to help you sleep. It's all natural, so you won't get addicted."

"Okay…" I twist my fork into my spaghetti and take a bite. It tastes exactly like it just came out of an Italian restaurant.

"I'll take you to school tomorrow morning. And I'll pick you up too."

"Alright." I take another bite of spaghetti. I'm suddenly ravenous.

"Do you want me to pack your lunch or give you lunch money?"

"Lunch money. I'll eat at school." I don't know why my aunt is worrying so much. It's only school. Surely I'll be fine tomorrow. She doesn't have to worry so much. "What time do I have to be there tomorrow?" I bite into some garlic bread.

"The late bell rings at 7:40. But they told me that you have to be there early to grab your schedule."

"So I should get up at… 6?"

"I'll wake you up tomorrow. Eat some more bread, honey."

"Kath, why are you worried so much?" Uncle Jason chuckles as he pours dressing on his salad.

"I'm not worried."

"Then why are you treating her like she's two? She's been to school before."

"I'm not treating her like she's two!"

"She's treating you like you're two, isn't she punk?"

I smile a little and admit it. "You kinda are…"

"….I'm sorry. It's just… this is my first day too, Demi!" She blushes and laughs with me.

"I'll be okay."

"I believe you, kiddo. I do. I'm just nervous for you."

"I'm sure I'll be okay. It's just school…right?"

"Right. If you're finished eating, go take a bath."

"Okay. I'll… see you tomorrow, if I don't come back downstairs." I get up from the table and push my chair in. I leave my dirty plate on the table and head upstairs.

I can't wait to take a shower, honestly. I love my showers. I know it sounds weird, but they're the best part of my day.

Just as I turn to go into my bathroom, my phone starts ringing on my dresser. I check the caller ID, because if it's not anyone important, I won't answer.

IT'S DALLAS!

I slide my finger across the bottom of the screen to answer it and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I answer excitedly.

"Hey gorgeous. What's up?" Dallas's voice is so calm and pretty. I love talking to her. I miss her so much.

"Nothin'. About to take a shower… what about you?" I have to hold back tears. I just miss my sissy.

"The same thing. Just got home from one of my classes. I hear you start school tomorrow."

"Yeah. I'm a little nervous…"

"Don't be nervous, Mimi. I also heard that you got a new phone…"

"Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason got me an iPhone for my birthday."

"Awesome. Now we can text every day. Your old phone was shitty."

"It really was…"

"Did you get my gift? I sent it a couple days ago."

"No, I didn't get it yet."

"Text me when you get it. I think you'll love it."

"….When can I see you again? I really miss you, Dal…" I sigh hard into the phone.

"Um…. Well Thanksgiving break is only two weeks for me. So I'm probably just gonna go with Maddie and dad for Thanksgiving. But Christmas break is six weeks long for me. So I'll probably be in Florida for Christmas. I miss you too, Dems."

"Do you think about me?"

"All the time, Mimi. I think about you and Maddie a lot. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep cause I miss you guys. But I know you're both okay."

"I miss you… I wish we could all be together…"

"Demi, I KNOW. I wish we could too. But…"

"You coulda taken care of us…you woulda been a good mom…"

"Demi, stop it. Please stop. I regret that I couldn't take care of you guys. But I had to get myself right before I took care of you two. I love you and Maddie. You know that. You two are my babies. I did what I thought was right."

"…I know."

"I couldn't have you two hungry all the time. You know that I wanna take care of you guys. But I can't if we don't have money…"

"I know…"

"Then why do you insist on putting me on a guilt trip about it every time we talk?"

"I dunno…"

She sighs. "Go to bed, Mimi. You gotta get up early. I'll call you tomorrow to see how school went. Okay?"

"Okay…"

"I love you. I love you a whole lot. Kisses?"

"Kisses."

"Alright. Sleep good. Have a good day at school."

"I Will."

"Love you?"

"Love you too."

We both hang up the phone. I really do love talking to Dallas. I miss her and love her to pieces, but talking to her is all I got right now. I know she loves me too. And I guess I'm glad that she tried to take care of us.

In a daze, I walk over to my dresser to plug my phone in. I notice the brown bottle with a white cap. It must be the sleeping pills my aunt bought for me. I grab the bottle and take two of the small white pills. I dry swallow them, because they aren't that big. I plug my phone into the charger and continue to do what I initially started to do in the first place.

I walk to my bathroom and strip out of my clothes. For the first time all day, I look at myself in the mirror.

My hair is amazing. I love it. I got all my bad ends cut off, so it's about an inch shorter. It's super, duper dark. About three shades darker, very dark brown, almost black. I absolutely love it.

I start my shower water and step into it. The water sure feels good. My hair is up in a very high ponytail, so it doesn't get wet. I don't want the color to wash out.

I wash my entire body from face to toes in about ten minutes. I shaved last night, so I should be okay with that.

And I climb out. I think the pills are starting to get to me, because all of a sudden, I feel really tired.

I dry myself, put on loose pajamas and lie down for good. I reach over and shut my lamp off.

Sleep isn't a bad idea.

Sleep sounds nice.

Sleep is what I'm gonna need for my first day of school tomorrow.


	8. Snowballs

"Demi… wake up. Get up…" I hear my uncle calling me, but I ignore him. I don't want to wake up. I remember why I did hate school.

"Wake up, punk. You're gonna be late." He starts tapping me aggressively on my arm. I swat him away.

I just need ten more minutes. That's it. Just ten. I promise I'll get up in ten minutes.

"Demetria. Do you hear me? Get out of bed before I drag you out by your feet." He smacks me a little hard on my ass then leaves. I feel like smacking him.

"Mmmh!" I grunt. I want to hurl a swear word at him, but all I can muster up is a grunt.

I guess I should get up. I don't really want to start the school year off with a tardy.

I flip my covers back off my bed and step out. Holy crap, I slept so well last night.

I yawn and walk to my bathroom. I always have to pee the first thing in the morning. I sit down on my toilet and pee. I really….really hate mornings. I kind of forget how the morning school routine goes. I guess I'll start with a shower?

I tie my hair up in a makeshift bun and start my water. I find that my stomach is hurting a little bit. I don't think I have to throw up or poop or anything. I think I'm just a little nervous. Hopefully it'll go away soon.

In the shower, I start with washing my face. I don't want to give anyone any reason to make fun of me today, so I scrub my eyes to make sure I get all the crust out. From my face, I move on to wash my body. I check my armpits. They're cleanly shaven. I reach down and check my legs too. They're nice and smooth. I finish washing my body and step out. My stomach is so jumpy.

I wrap my towel around my body and walk into my room. I haven't even thought about what I want to wear today. With my body soaking wet, I walk over to my big closet, where I stashed all my clothes away.

I don't want to dress up too much, because other people might not be that dressy, and I don't want to draw attention to myself. I decide to go casual, but nice.

I grab a pair of grey jean shorts with rips on the thighs. I pull on the pair of pink lace underwear that I got from school shopping and the matching bra. I like the bra, because it gives me some cleavage. I wiggle the shorts up to my hips. I'll need a belt, but I'm not sure what color yet, because I'll need to match my shirt.

I go back to my closet. I guess I'll wear pink today. I grab the quarter-sleeve shirt off the hanger and lay it out on my bed. The shirt has wide pink and white stripes across it, and it has A&F in the corner, written in dark blue letters.

Before the shirt, I put on a pristine white undershirt and then I throw the shirt on. I think it looks nice on me, I just wish I had more cleavage to even it out. I break off the tags on the pair of pink flip-flops that my aunt bought and slip them on.

I don't know whether I should finish my makeup or go eat. I guess finishing my makeup would be the best option, because then I can eat and then brush my teeth.

I go back to my bathroom and grab my makeup bag. I don't want to cake my face in makeup, so I just apply a light layer of foundation. I brush soft pink eyeshadow on my eyelids and do my eyeliner very carefully. Finally, I put on some mascara and that's that. I don't look too cake-faced, but I look decent. I'm not sure if I look pretty or not. I don't think I'm a very pretty person.

I yank my messy hair out of the bun I tied it up in and let it topple down my back. It takes less effort to curl my hair than to straighten it, so I plug the curling iron in and put a few loose curls in my hair. I keep my new side bangs straight, though. I think my hair looks better dark brown than it did when it was light brown with a reddish tinge to it.

Before I leave my bathroom for good, I grab my toothbrush. I'll brush my teeth downstairs. I shut my bathroom door and go back into my bedroom. I take my phone off the charger, spray myself with some perfume that I got from Victoria's Secret, and head downstairs. Jorge is waiting for me at the foot of the steps, because he slept downstairs in the cage and he can't climb the steps just yet. I pick him up easily.

"Morning Jorge."

He cries softly and licks my cheek. I sit him back down on the floor and go to the kitchen.

"I love your outfit… you look so cute." Aunt Kathy smiles wide, like she doesn't mind being up this early with me.

"Thanks…" I plop down at the island on a barstool.

"And your hair. I love the curls…" She takes a strand of my hair and strokes it between her fingers. "Are you hungry? I made you a bagel, some bacon and a fried egg. You want a sandwich? I'll make it into a sandwich for you."

"No… I want it separately." I put my toothbrush on the table next to me and grab the fork. I don't really feel like I'll be able to eat anything.

"I packed your bag for you. All your supplies are in your big bag. The green one that says Pink on it. And your purse is on the end table in the hallway."

I cut a piece of the egg off. "Thanks Aunt Kath." I nibble at the egg.

"You alright, honey?" She notices that I'm not eating much. She puts her cheek against my forehead to check if I'm warm.

"I feel fine. I'm just a little nervous."

"Okay honey." My aunt rubs my back softly and kisses my forehead softly. "I stocked your wallet up. It's in your purse. I gave you $40 to spend on lunch for the rest of the week. Is that okay?"

"Yeah…" I don't wanna seem like a baby, but I really like the loving and cuddling that my aunt is giving to me. It feels good.

"…Don't force yourself to eat if you're not hungry, sweetheart. Just make sure you eat a good lunch."

"Okay." I sip some orange juice.

"Are you ready to go?" She grabs my plate and clears it off for me.

"Yeah, I just have to brush my teeth. Hold on." I hop down off the barstool and take my toothbrush into the downstairs bathroom.

I'm so nervous to go to school. I don't want anyone to hate me. Dear god, what if they hate me?

I quickly brush over my teeth and gargle with mouthwash.

On the other hand, what if there are so many people in the school that they don't notice when they get a new kid? I'd rather go unnoticed than laughed at.

I put my toothbrush down and walk back out. "Ready." I say shakily.

"Alright, come on." Aunt Kathy hands me my lime green bag. It has black straps and it says "LOVE PINK" on it in black letters. I picked it out.

On the way out the door, I grab my light and dark brown Coach purse.

And with that, I'm off to school.

* * *

"Your name, please?" A young, blonde woman sitting at a table asks me. She's marking off names with a pink highlighter and handing out schedules.

"Demetria L..Lovato…" I nearly mumble. I've only been in the school for three minutes now, and I already want to go home. The blonde woman sifts through a pile of folders.

I look around while she sorts through everything. The school is extremely nice. It doesn't look like a high school at all. It looks more like a college campus. I guess the colors are blue and gold, because almost everything is blue and gold. I can't express how nice it is here. It's so open, with wide windows all over the place. It's very bright, and all the lockers are blue on one side, gold on the other. I really feel like I'm in college. And holy COW! There are a lot of people here. The cafeteria is filled with people comparing their schedules with each other.

"Here you are. Demetria D. Lovato." The blonde woman hands me a yellow folder with my name printed in the top right hand corner. "You are going to be in Mr. Carrison's homeroom. You're new here, so once you get to your homeroom class, Mr. Carrison will tell you who you will be shadowing for today. Enclosed in your folder is a map of the school and a copy of your schedule. When the bell rings, just head to your homeroom class. Come see me if you have any further questions. I'm Kasi Abrahams, the guidance counselor."

"Thank you…." I take the folder and find an empty corner to examine my schedule in. I take the map and my schedule from the folder and look at both of them. The map is extremely confusing. The school is so big that it has six floors to it. Luckily, there aren't steps. In place of steps, there are ramps. I look at my schedule.

In the top right hand corner, it has my name: Lovato, Demetria D, my address: 819 Seabreeze Avenue and my aunt's phone number. I look at what classes they threw me into. When I came in here to get registered, the guidance counselor told me they'd place me in the classes they feel I should be in, based on my transcripts.

I have Mr. Carrison for homeroom.

First period: Advanced Algebra 3 & Trigonometry

Second period: College Prep English

Third period: Art 2 & Drawing

Fourth period: Spanish 3

Fifth period: Lunch

Sixth period: Chemistry Lab Course

Seventh period: Honors Chemistry

Eighth period: World History & Geography

Ninth period: Study Hall

It doesn't seem that hard to remember. I'm just a little bit worried about whether or not I'll find all these rooms.

In the middle of my thoughts, the bell rings from above. The bell isn't really a bell at all. It's a loud buzzing noise. When the buzzing noise sounds, the hallways flood. I just find a group to blend in with.

The good thing about this is that I'm not over or under dressed. I look pretty normal compared to what all the other girls are wearing. And they all have coach purses and victoria's secret bags. I blend in nicely.

I look down at the room number for my homeroom. My homeroom is number H105. I look at all the doors I'm passing. H101… H102… 103…. 104… 105.

At the dead end of the hallway is room H105. I round the corner into the room and walk in. There are lots of empty desks to sit at. I'm not the first one in the room; I'm the fourth. I look over at the wall. There isn't a chalkboard in the room. There is only a dry erase board. Written on the dry erase board in black marker, it says "Welcome Junior Class! Please come in and find your seat."

I walk around in a circle, looking for the desk that has my name on it. I find my seat. Right next to the window, right beside the teacher's desk. I sit down quickly.

I take this free time to look through my folder. I hardly notice all the people filing in around me. In my folder, there are many things. My student handbook, a lunch menu, an extra copy of my schedule, my bus pass; even though I don't ride the bus, my student ID card and a pencil.

The loud, annoying buzzer sounds again and it hurts my ears. But when I look up, I notice that all the desks around me are filled. The good thing is that nobody is staring at me.

The man who I assume is Mr. Carrison stands up in front of the class. He has lush blonde hair, honey brown eyes and muscles like Uncle Jason. He looks very young, and I think I have a slight crush on him.

"Good morning and happy first day of school. I'm Mr. Carrison, your homeroom and math teacher. I teach all math classes for juniors. Those of you who are in here will have me twice in a row. For homeroom and for first period Algebra and Trig." He paces back and forth. "I know first days are usually to give you guys the rules and guidelines of class, but I'll be truthful with you." He sits down on a stool in the corner and slouches. "I don't have any rules. Just don't get too out of hand. You're all juniors. You know what's appropriate for school and what's not."

Around the room, people chuckle and give him thumbs up. He's so hot and he's cool. I already have a favorite teacher.

"So I see some familiar faces around here. I've had many of your brothers and sisters in the past." He goes over to his desk and grabs a stack of white paper. "And I see some unfamiliar faces too." He looks specifically at me. I feel my cheeks turn red.

Everyone around me isn't paying attention to me, which is good. I pick at the corner of my folder, bored and nervous.

"So to get to know the familiar and unfamiliar faces… we're going to have… a snowball fight."

I pick my head up. I don't want to have a snowball fight. I don't even like snow.

"I'm passing out a sheet of paper to all of you. With this sheet of paper, I would like you all to write three things about yourselves, NOT INCLUDING YOUR NAME. When you have your three facts, wad your paper up in a ball and wait for further instructions."

I grab my sheet of paper. I don't know what three facts I want to write. I grab a pencil out of my bag and pump the lead into it.

For my first fact, I scribble down: My Birthday is August 20.

I tap the eraser of my pencil down as I think of another fact. I'm not an interesting person. I don't have a lot of facts to write.

For my second fact, I write: I hate my full name.

The third fact is the hardest. What all can I say about myself? My name is Demi. I live with my aunt and uncle. I miss my sisters. My mom is dead and I hate cancer.

For my third fact, I write down: I like to draw and color.

I bawl my paper up into a ball and wait for him to say something else.

"Now… I want you all to stand up. And when I count to three, start throwing your "snowballs" (he does air-quotes with his hands) at each other. Have a little fun, okay?"

I stand up from my chair along with everyone in the room.

"1….2….3!"

It's like he unleashed lions in a cage. Everyone starts whizzing their snowballs at each other, having way too much fun. Nobody throws their snowballs at me.

I toss mine into the mess of everyone "fighting" and stand in the corner. I pick at my thumbnail, because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I just watch everyone.

Almost as if he's mad I'm not participating, Mr. Carrison throws a stray snowball at me. It hits me in my ribs.

I crack a soft smile, to show that I'm not a bitch or anything. I bend down and grab the snowball. I whizz it back at him and take his hint to participate a little more. I step into the crowd and throw another stray paper ball at some kid with curly hair. Someone even throws one back at me. Maybe this could be fun.

"ALRIGHT! SNOWBALL FIGHT, OVER!" Mr. Carrison shouts and holds his hand up. "EVERYONE GRAB THE CLOSEST SNOWBALL TO THEM AND TAKE YOUR SEAT."

I bend down and grab a snowball. I sit back in my seat with it. It takes everyone a moment, but we all quiet back down.

"Now… uncrinkle your snowball and share with the class who's snowball you think it is."

I uncrumple mine from the paper ball. On the paper, it says: 1. I have no brothers and sisters. 2. I have three dogs :) 3. I love cheerleading!

Okay, so I definitely got a girl's snowball. Out of the 25 students in the classroom, 11 are girls. I have 11 to choose from.

"Let's start with Lacey. Lacey, stand up and share the facts with us. Then tell us who's snowball you think you got." Carrison is sitting back on his stool.

A skinny blonde girl stands up. She's really, really pretty. I'd kill to have her hair. "My snowball says: I love my girlfriend, I hate green beans and I love to play baseball…. And I think I got Alex's snowball." Her voice reminds me of Dallas's voice.

"Alex, did Lacey get your snowball?" Carrison asks.

"Nope. That isn't mine." A kid with dark brown, spiked hair says. He's kinda cute.

"Who's snowball did Lacey get?" Carrison asks the entire class.

"Mine." A skinny little curly-haired boy raises his hand. I don't listen to his name.

Lacey throws her snowball away and sits back down. She seems pissed that she didn't guess the right person. I just hope I learn everyone's names.

"Selena. You're next." Carrison points to a tan-skinned, dark brown, curly haired girl. My god, she's so pretty. I can tell that she's hispanic or something.

"The snowball I got says: My birthday is August 20. I hate my full name. And I like to draw and color. And… I think I got…. Allison's snowball? I'm not sure." She shakes her head. I feel my cheeks flush again.

"Allison? Did Selena get your snowball?" Asks Carrison.

"No. That isn't mine." Another girl with dark hair speaks up. Her hair is short, but she is so tan.

"Who's snowball did Selena get?" Carrison stands up from his stool.

I slowly lift up my hand. "…Mine." I mutter.

"Ahh… the new girl. You hate your full name?"

I nod at him.

"You don't like to be called Demetria, Miss… L…Lo…"

"Lovato…." I help him out with my last name. "And no…"

"Then my apologies. What would you like for us to call you?"

"…Demi, please. Just D-E-M-I."

"Demi it is. And if I'm not mistaken…." He looks down at a clipboard. "Miss Gomez… is going to be who you're shadowing today."

I get to shadow the pretty girl.

I look over at her.

To my immense relief, she shoots me a warm smile.

Hopefully…. This is a sign of a friend.


	9. Fast Friends

I'm a little bit upset when I have to leave Mr. Carrison's class. After the snowball fight in homeroom, we really didn't do anything else. All we really did was get out math books and label our notebooks. After he got done explaining the plans for the year, we didn't have much time to do anything else before the bell rang again.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow. You do not need to bring your books tomorrow. Have a nice first day." Carrison says to us as nearly everyone files out of the room. I slowly grab my heavy math book and secure it in my arm. My locker number is 765, but I don't know where that's at. I guess it won't hurt me to carry the book around all day.

I push my chair in and settle down, because I'm the last one out of the room. I sling my heavy bag over my shoulder and walk out the door.

"Hey!" Someone with a real cheerful voice calls beside me. I look around, because I don't see anyone.

I finally turn my head to the right and notice who's speaking to me. It's the pretty girl from math class.

"I think you're supposed to be shadowing me today… Do you have English next?" She stands in front of me and smiles brightly. She has small teeth. They kind of look funny, but she's so facially pretty that it's excusable.

"Um… yeah. I do… do you know where that's at?" We both start to walk down the hallway.

"I'm pretty sure I know where it's at. I came for orientation at the beginning of the month and they showed us where everything was." I notice how when she walks, she walks with a switch. It looks kind of weird.

"I'm glad you know where it is…" I struggle to keep up with her long, graceful stride.

"I think it's right here. Miss Patrick's class." We turn a corner in the hallway and end up right in front of a wooden door with pretty purple flower stickers all over it.

I follow her into the room.

"I'm Selena, by the way." She stops mid-walk into the classroom to turn around and face me.

"I'm Demi." I give her a friendly smile. Truth be told, I'm nervous as hell.

"Demi. I've never met anyone named Demi. That's a… new name." She sits down near the front of the room. I guess it's appropriate to sit beside her.

"Um… my full name is Demetria. But I don't like that… I just like Demi." I sit down in the chair next to her.

"Demetria's pretty. It's just a mouthful. So where'd you say you're from?" She starts squeezing her hair in an attempt to keep it curly.

"I didn't. But I'm from Texas." I turn my body towards her so that I don't seem rude.

"Texas? Really? My aunt lives in Texas. She lives in Grand Prairie. Where'd you live?"

"Colleyville. It's a town right outside of Dallas."

"Never heard of it. So… how'd you find Daytona Beach? That's so random that you'd move from Texas to Daytona."

"My aunt and uncle live here, so." It's really easy to talk to her, which is a good thing. I don't feel pressure or embarrassment.

The annoying, loud bell rings again and everyone in the class settles down. I'm sitting on Selena's right side and on her left, there's a boy. I don't really know his name, but I think he's kind of cute. He's kind of skinny, but I can see that he has muscles. He has on a light brown pair of cargo shorts and a dark red shirt that has the Abercrombie moose on it. His hair is really curly. In fact, it's overwhelmingly curly. It's a wonder he can hold his head up. He's definitely my type.

"Good morning class. Welcome back to school. As some of you know, I'm Miss Patrick, your English teacher." She is a short, dark-skinned woman. She isn't African-American, but she might be mixed race. Her skin is the color of the sand on the beach and her hair is so dark that it hurts to look at it for too long. She's kind of pretty, but awkwardly shaped.

"Some of you I know…. others I don't. If I don't know you, I will know you soon enough." She walks around the room and passes out sheets of paper. I get my sheet of paper and read it. It has the classroom expectations, the rules and the names of some of the books we'll be reading.

"This year in English, we will be concentrating heavily on poetry and classic literary works. At the beginning of each class, we will have a discussion group. You will learn more about the discussions in the future. I will give you your first independent novel to read next week, and your first essay will be next week also. I only require you to keep a notebook for this class. Any additional materials, I will provide. Any questions?"

Nobody raises their hand. The classroom is dead silent and the only noise is coming from the buzzing of the air conditioner.

"Good. Because this is our first day of class, I think we should get to know each other, since we will be spending 180 days out of the year together. I believe you should know just as much about me as I know about you." She talks really fast, but I can tell that she's super modern. She kind of reminds me of Aunt Kathy.

"I'll start it off." Miss Patrick sits down in a chair at the head of the class.

"My name is Bianca Patrick. I have been teaching for four years. I graduated in 2003 with my master's degree in teaching. I graduated from Florida State University. I have one child, a son. You'll hear me talk about him a lot. His name is Matthew and he just turned one year old last week. In my spare time, I coach the softball team here and I like to go rock climbing with my husband, Scott. I do not assign seats in my classes and I try not to tell you guys what to do. Sound like enough about me?" She gets up from her chair and paces back and forth. Everyone in the room is still quiet.

"Now let's go around the room. Tell me a little about yourselves please. Starting with… Mr. Altelli. Tell us about yourself." She draws a line through this name on her roster. I guess she's going in alphabetical order.

A kid with big broad muscles starts to talk. He has light brown hair with a spike in front and big brown eyes. He's kind of cute, but I wouldn't date him. "I'm Zack. I like to play basketball. I'm sure ya'll know me. If not… add me on MySpace." His voice is really deep. I still think he's cute, but he's a bit of a douchebag.

"Thank you, Mr. Altelli…. Liam? Liam Childs… tell us about yourself." Miss Patrick scribbles another name off the class roll.

A weird kid stands up. He has long, black hair with red tips. He's wearing skinny jeans and a black shirt. He has snakebites on his lips and his ears are gauged. I look over at Selena as he starts talking.

Selena sticks her tongue out and acts like she's choking. I stifle a little giggle and nod. I use my finger and twist it around my head, making the "crazy" signal. Selena laughs too.

I didn't hear what Liam said before he sits down. After he sits down, another girl stands up. She has dishwater blonde hair and lots and LOTS of freckles. I don't think she's pretty.

"I'm Amanda Frankel. I like to cheer, go to the movies and eat donuts. I am the head cheerleader and I dislike annoying people." She has a bad attitude to be so ugly. Usually ugly people are super nice.

"And Selena? You next?" Miss Patrick scribbles again.

Selena raises her hand as if everyone can't already see her. Selena is undoubtedly the prettiest girl in the class. "I'm Selena. I like cookies, swimming and getting tan. I also like to make new friends." She looks over at me with the last part and smiles. It's nice how sweet she is. She's super pretty, but she's also genuinely sweet.

I smile back at her. "…We're friends?" I give her a hopeful look and my two thumbs up.

"Of course we are. You seem really cool. You can sit with us at lunch and stuff…if you want."

I nod slowly. "Thanks."

"I remember my freshman year. I started high school here and I felt so weird. Everyone's real nice here, so you don't have to worry."

"Yeah, it does seem like people are nice. I'm glad for that."

We stop talking and I look around to see who's introducing themselves now. The girl named Lacey from math class is telling us about herself.

"So… who's the popular crowd here? I need to be mindful." I chuckle with my words.

"There isn't really a 'popular' crowd. But if I had to choose one, I'd probably say me and my group. I'm not cocky or anything, I'm just saying." She laughs slightly. "Like… Me, Lacey, My friend Regan, My friend Lexi, Lacey's boyfriend, Zack, Mark… My boyfriend, Nick… basically everyone that sits with us at lunch."

"You have a boyfriend? That's so cool. Does he go here?" I find myself prying, but Selena doesn't seem to mind.

"We're like… on again, off again. We don't date right now… but he's not allowed to date anyone else and I'm not allowed to date anyone else either. And yeah. He goes here. He's right beside me." She motions her head to her left.

The cute guy with the wildly curly hair? Apparently that's Nick. And he's Selena's boyfriend. Well that makes him ten times LESS attractive.

"Oh… Oh. He's cute…" I smile at her.

"I know, right? He's so adorable. And he's like… the most popular guy here." She gushes. "Do you think anyone's cute, Demi?"

"No… not really. I don't know anyone!" I giggle. I didn't lie to her though. I don't think that Nick's that cute anymore. Now that I know he's Selena's, I'll back off.

"Well you're super pretty, so you won't have much trouble! Guys here love new girls. They throw themselves ALL over the pussy!" She clamps her hand over her mouth as soon as she says that. "Oops. I didn't mean to…excuse my French."

"No, No. It's totally okay. I cuss too. I kind of… have the mouth of a sailor." I snicker. "But thanks. I don't really think I'm pretty, though. YOU'RE pretty."

"Thanks, Demi. Again, I'm not cocky or anything, but I kind of… know. I mean, boys say it to me all the time. I know that I'm not ugly. But there are some things that I wanna change."

I nod. I understand what she means, and I don't think she's conceited. It's one thing to think you're pretty and be stuck up, but Selena's not. I like how she's confident in her looks, and she's not the least bit stuck up or snobby.

"You're totally pretty though, Demi. Like… your hair is just… flawless. And you have perfect skin. You're gorgeous."

"Thank you…"

"Thank you, Mr. Jonas. Miss… Lovato? Will you introduce yourself?" Miss Patrick interrupts me and Selena's deep conversation.

I clear my throat slightly and begin to talk. "I'm Demi. I'm new here. I don't like hot weather, but I like to go swimming. And… I'm good at English." I shrug. I'm not that nervous anymore. I just want to be myself.

"Thank you, Demi. And you're new to Florida? Or just new to Mainland?"

"New to Florida. I'm from Texas."

"Ooh. That's cool. Well thank you for introducing yourself. And you like to be called Demi? Not Demetria?"

"Not Demetria."

"Got it."

I look over at Selena again. She's kind of busy paying attention to Nick.

"You better not be flirting with anyone else at the mall. Go straight there and come right back home." Selena says to Nick. Her tone isn't mean or anything. It's rather flirtatious.

"I won't." Nick flirts back. His voice does not match the way he looks at all. I don't know why, but when I see him, he seems like he'd have a little bit of a higher pitched voice. His voice is so deep and gravelly.

I sigh softly, but not because I'm sad or anything. I just hope I get a boyfriend while I'm here.

Or maybe even a girlfriend. I don't discriminate.

I swear to GOD I'm not a lesbian. I do NOT like girls. And I don't have any future plans to become a lesbian. I'm not even bisexual, I swear. But if I wanted to be a lesbian, I think I'd be one with Selena.

But I'm not. Because I think the things that lesbians do with one another are pretty freaking gross.

And I'd much rather date a guy.

* * *

"So how was school, kid?" Aunt Kathy is very cheerful when I get in the car after the long first day of school.

"It was… good." I nod and tell the truth.

Aunt Kathy starts driving off on the way back home. "Did you make friends? Were people nice? What's your schedule like? Give me all the deets!"

"It was good. I made one friend named Selena. She's really nice. I sat with her at lunch and I met some other people too, but I don't think we're friends. People were really nice. Except for this girl named Amanda. She was kind of a….bitch. But that's basically it. I think school will go good." I'm rambling on easily and that's good. It means that I'm happy.

"I'm glad you like it, kid. I'm really glad. What'd you have for lunch?"

"I bought myself a meatball hoagie. I got a banana and an iced tea and some cookies too. I ate good."

"That's my girl."

To my surprise, it doesn't bother me to hear her say that. I really am my Aunt Kathy's girl. And it's okay. I don't think mommy would be mad to hear me say that.

"Did you meet any cute boys?" She pulls into the driveway of her and uncle Jason's big house.

"No. I still don't know anyone yet." I gather my books and step out the car.

"Give it some time." Aunt Kathy locks the car with the remote and we both go in the house.

"Where's Uncle Jay?" I look around and notice that he isn't in the living room where he usually is.

"He had to go to base to train the new troops again. What do you want for dinner?"

"Whatever you feel like making." I go straight to Jorge's cage and let him out. "JORGE!" I pick him up and kiss his head. He whimpers and cries and licks me all over my face.

I could really get used to this routine. Going to school and coming home to my aunt and uncle. I'm really grateful that they take care of me. I'm really grateful that I have them in my life. I had a great time in school today, and if I keep this up, maybe I'll be popular in school.

I kind of can't wait until tomorrow.

* * *

_August 27, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today was amazing! Mainland High School is so pretty. The people were really nice to me too, mommy. I met a new friend. Her name is Selena. She kind of makes me feel ugly, because she's extra pretty, but she's awesome to talk to. My homeroom and math teacher is really cute. His name is Mr. Carrison. I think I'm going to be popular in school, which is a good thing. I think school is going to go great. I also think that I was nervous for no reason. _

_Aunt Kathy made beef stew for dinner tonight. I thought that was a little bit weird, because when you used to make beef stew, you'd make it on a rainy day. It's almost always hot here in Florida, so I don't get why she made that. Regardless, the stew was really good. I think Aunt Kathy should be a chef or something, but if I had a man that made as much as Uncle Jason does, I probably wouldn't work either. _

_Speaking of men, I want a boyfriend. Selena has a boyfriend and he's really cute. His name is Nick, and he's got a deep voice. Now that I think of it, Nick isn't that cute. I don't know though, mommy. Some guys in the school are hot, but then again, they're douchebags. Maybe if I start to know more people, I'll date one of the upper or lowerclassmen. The guys in my grade don't seem too promising._

_Remember how you told me the time would come for me to get a serious boyfriend and have sex? Well I don't know. Maybe it's my hormones, but I really want to have sex. I don't want to do it because I'm a slut or anything, I just want to know what it's like. Plus, I don't want to be the only one. When I look at the girls I sat with at lunch today, it's kind of obvious that they aren't virgins. I don't even think Selena is one. She was talking about sex today at lunch with the friends she knew before she met me. Apparently, Nick's good in bed, but that's beside my point. I don't want to have sex with some random guy. I want to have a serious boyfriend. And I really don't want to be a virgin anymore. In this day and age, it's sad to be a virgin when you're a junior in high school._

_I wish you were so that I could talk to you about these things and get your advice, but Dallas has been doing pretty well with that. She called me today to see how school went, and I told her a little bit about my predicament. She told me that I should be sure that it's what I really want, and she doesn't want me to end up like her, because her first time wasn't special. She also told me to make sure I protect myself before I do it. _

_I don't know why starting a new school made me want to have sex. Maybe I'm just a horny teenager. But I honestly think I want to do it so badly, because I really feel like I'm the only one. You should've heard it today at lunch, mommy. All the girls knew what it was like to at least be… eaten out. I'm sorry to use such vulgar language, but that's what they called it. I haven't even had oral sex. I didn't tell anyone that I'm a virgin, though. I just smiled and nodded the whole time. It was a little bit embarrassing._

_I miss you a whole lot, and please believe that if I ever do have sex in high school, I will tell you about it and what it's like. Losing my virginity isn't a goal of mine, I swear. It's not something I'm aiming to do. It's just something I'd like to happen._

_Anyway, it's getting a little bit late, and I have to be up at 6:00 tomorrow. I love you so much, mommy. And I miss you more and more every day. Cancer's a bitch. I love you so much. I can't say it enough._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._


	10. Boys

Art class is my favorite class of the day. It's my favorite, because I actually know about art. I don't know much about painters and what kind of art they painted. I just know that if you give me a pencil and a sheet of paper, I can make my wildest dreams come to life. I'm not sure if being able to draw is a positive thing or a negative thing amongst my peers, so I try not to let it be known that I can draw pretty well.

Yesterday in art class, all we did was go over the rules and stuff. Today, we're starting on our first actual project. Aside from math class, art class is the only class we have assigned seats in. I don't sit beside Selena in art class, but we sit fairly close. She's three people away from me, and if we wanted to, we could talk over the people that sit between us. I sit next to Bitch Amanda on my right side, and on my left side, I sit next to a light-skinned boy.

I don't know the boy's name, but I think he's extremely good looking. I think he's half black, which honestly doesn't matter to me. His skin is lighter than a black person, but darker than a white person's. His hair is short and cleanly shaven. I like how he has waves in his hair. It's kind of a turn on. He has light green eyes and shaven facial hair. I also like his outfit. He's wearing a bright red Hollister shirt with dark blue jean shorts. His shoes are white and they are Nikes. He's so good looking that I bet he's a jerk.

"Our first major art project will be of melted crayon art. Some of you probably know about it. If you don't, I'll explain when we actually start melting the crayons tomorrow. For today, I want each of you to take a canvas and pick some of the colors you want to use. I strongly recommend you using various shades of the same color, it always looks nicer. But it's YOUR artwork. Do whatever you please." The art teacher is cool. She says to call her Mrs. W. She has grey and black hair, but she's young. I think the grey was added artificially. She's kind of on the chubbier side, but she isn't fat. Her hair is always spiked up, and I can tell that she's a lesbian.

"Any questions, just come over to my facilities and ask." She returns back to her desk after handing us out the heavy canvases. At her desk, she turns up the radio and starts on her own artwork.

I grab the big crate of crayons she put in the middle of me and the light-skin's table and sift through it. I love the color yellow. It's my favorite. So I think I'll use the different shades of yellow.

"…So how do you like mainland?" Light-skin boy talks. It's obvious he's talking to me, because we're the only two at our table. I like his voice. His voice is deep and it matches the way he looks.

"I like it." I lick my lips and talk back.

"It's good that you like it. You seem to fit right in." He grabs a red crayon.

"I do?" I grab the brightest shade of yellow and keep looking through.

"Yeah. With the hair and the clothes and stuff."

I look down at my outfit for today. I'm wearing a dark blue and light blue plaid flannel shirt that I got from Hollister. The shirt has quarter sleeves and it buttons up. I don't have the buttons buttoned, because it's hot. I have a dark blue tank top on under it and blue jean shorts with a bunch of rips in them. The shorts are kind of short, but they don't expose much of anything.

"So do you miss it back in… wherever you're from?" He continues to talk to me.

"…Yeah. I do. But it's not so bad in Florida." I have about thirteen different shades of yellow in my hand.

"Where are you from again?"

"Texas."

"That's cool. I'm Cody by the way. You can call me Code." He puts all his blue crayons down and holds out his hand to me. I like the fact that his fingernails are very clean.

I shake his hand. "Demi. " I smile softly.

Interrupting our little conversation is the loud, annoying, buzzing bell. It rings, and everyone puts their canvases and crayons in the cubbies Mrs. W. gave us yesterday. I grab my purse and head out of the class.

"Where are you headed to now?" Cody walks fast to catch up with me.

"Um…hold on." I grab my schedule from the pocket in my purse and unfold it. "I'm headed to Spanish class."

"Mmmm. Well I'm going to French. I guess I'll see you at lunch or something?"

"Yeah, of course." I run my hands through my hair and smile at him again.

"Alright. See you around…Demi."

"See you." He walks off in the direction of French class and I walk off in the direction of Spanish class.

"DEMI YOU LIKE HIM!" Selena exclaims as she catches up with me. I can't help but smile.

"I don't like him, Selena. I just think he's cute!"

"You two should totally date. I'll set you guys up!"

"Is he even single?" We walk up the ramp to get to Spanish.

"Cody? I don't really know. I know him and Lacey had something going on during the summertime, but I think they broke up."

"Then no! I hardly know anyone here. The last thing I want to do is hit on someone's boyfriend!"

Selena laughs hysterically. "Okay, okay. Maybe it was a bad idea. But I'm determined to get you a boyfriend."

"Don't beat yourself up about it." We both round the corner into the Spanish room and take our seats. She sits beside me.

The bell buzzes again and the Spanish teacher doesn't waste any time. My Spanish teacher is named Senora Lewis. She has really long, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I think she's pretty. "Buenos dias, clase." Her Spanish accent is really thick, which is strange because aside from myself, she's the whitest person I know of.

"Buenos dias, Senora Lewis." The whole class says in unison.

Senora starts babbling on in Spanish, like she did yesterday. If I listened, I could understand a little bit of what she's saying, but I don't bother listening. Instead, I fold my arms on my desk and rest my head on them. Selena reaches over and tugs on a strand of my hair.

"What do you want?" I ask her.

"Nothing. I just love your hair." She shifts herself to face me and continues to play with my hair. "You wanna go to the beach this weekend or something?" By the tone of her voice, I can tell that she's reluctant to ask. I'm glad she did, though.

"Sure. I'd love to." I'm just happy to be invited somewhere. I'm so happy now.

"Okay. Um… Saturday? I would say Friday, but a bunch of us are supposed to go to the first football game. I don't know if you'd like to come to that or anything…"

"Oh… um…sure. I'd… come to the football game. What… time is it? And is it here?"

"It starts at 7:30 and yeah, it's here. At the stadium. I'll meet you there or something so that you're not lost."

"…Thanks for inviting me, Selena." I look down at my blue notebook and pick at it. I don't know what else to say or do.

"Seriously, it's no problem Demi. I just… I feel like I've known you for years. You're really cool." She flips her long, pretty hair and smiles at me. She's so pretty it makes me hate myself.

"Me too… I'm just…glad that I made a friend." I put my head back down on my arms.

"…Weren't you popular in Texas?"

"Me? Popular? Pshhht." I roll my eyes playfully and laugh.

"But you're like…. Super pretty."

"You're like… the only one that thinks so."

"I can guarantee you that I'm not the only one that thinks you're pretty. I bet you have guys here that think you're hot. Like Cody… for example." She chuckles.

"Yeah, but he has a girlfriend. Or at least he might." I giggle too.

"…So why'd you even move to Daytona? Dad get a new job down here?"

Ouch. That just stung a little bit. I had finally taught myself to forget about it, and she just brought it right back up. "No… it's not that easy…" I hear the tone of my voice drop immensely.

"Oh. I don't mean to be nosy. You don't have to tell me. I was just wondering."

I feel really, really sad now. I just want to go home. I feel like I'm going to cry, but I don't want to do that in front of Selena. Somehow, I muster up enough strength to hold back my tears.

I don't know what else to say, so I keep my head rested on my arms. I think I'm doing a good job of looking like I'm okay, but my mind is racing with thoughts of why I moved here. It all happened so quickly, it seems. One minute, we were all so happy. And everything was good. She'd sing in the shower, sing while cooking dinner, dinner was ALWAYS made, we'd have fun nights where we'd all crowd around the TV and watch reruns of Law & Order. Or we'd play Candyland. Or Chutes & Ladders. And it was fun. And it was right. And we weren't poor.

Then one day, the phone rang. And that was it. After the phone that day, everything changed. Instead of new clothes, the extra money went to doctors. Instead of crowding around the TV, she spent most of her time in bed. Instead of taking us on trips to the zoo, daddy would yell, spank us and cry a whole lot. She was never home anymore. And the only time we could go visit her was when there were doctors around. She hated for us to go see her, because she didn't have hair anymore. But I still thought she was beautiful. Her singing voice was bad now, because it was raspy. And dinner started to go unmade. And we were hungry, because daddy can't cook and the takeout food money ALL went to doctors.

Then one day, that was it. We went back to the doctors, and she told me that she loved me. She was bald and hooked up to a dozen monitors. She told Dallas about the time she was born. And me about the time I was born. And Maddie about the time she was born. And Daddy about how their wedding day was the happiest day of her life. And we all hugged her. And even though it hurt her, she hugged us back. And then the monitors went off with beeping loud. And I passed out. And besides in the casket, that was the last time I ever saw her.

I'm thankful that the bell rings when it does, because I think I was getting ready to cry really bad. I get up from my chair and gather up all my stuff for Spanish. It's time to go to lunch now, and maybe I could just have a little fun talking to Selena and stuff.

"Hey, Demi…" Selena grabs her stuff quickly to match my pace. "Wait up…"

I can't wait up. I have to go wipe my face off from all the tears I just wasted. So I act like I didn't hear her, and I go to my locker to dump my books. I turn the lock on my locker and put all my Spanish books in there. Quickly, I sweep away the tears that trickled down my cheeks, and Selena ends up right next to me. Her locker is one locker away from mine.

"You sure do walk fast…" She comments, out of breath.

I fake a smile. "Sorry. I just don't like getting caught in the hallway traffic."

She giggles. "But are you okay? I mean, you seemed a little…off. Did I say something?"

"I'm fine." I lie. I still feel completely horrible.

"If you're sure. Let's go to lunch…I miss Nick." She grabs her purse from her locker and we both start walking off to the cafeteria.

"How long have you and Nick been together?" I've been wondering this since yesterday, but today seems like the appropriate time to ask.

"Since we were fourteen. So about two years. Off and on." She smiles proudly.

"That's cool. I wish I had a boyfriend that long term." We both sit down in the same seats we sat in yesterday. All of Selena's friends that sat with us yesterday join us.

"Have you ever dated anyone?" Selena asks me as she sits down right next to me.

"Yeah… I had a boyfriend. Oddly enough, his name was Cody too. But he broke up with me and now he's gay."

"Well that fuckin' sucks. Huh?" She cracks up and I end up laughing too.

"Yeah." I'm laughing still.

Nick walks over to the table and greets Selena by smacking her on her butt. "Hey."

Selena turns to him. "I thought I told you about doing this in school."

"It's just an ass-slap." He chuckles and sits beside us. "What's up guys?"

I don't want to sound all weird or anything, but I really do envy the fact that Selena has a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT envy her. I'm in no way, shape or form jealous of Selena. I'm just jealous that she has a serious boyfriend. And it's blatantly obvious that they have sex. I mean yeah, Selena basically confirmed the fact that they have sex yesterday, but I'm saying that if she didn't tell about this, I'd know now because of the way they act with each other.

"Demi, are you gonna come get something to eat with us?" Selena and Nick have already started to walk a little towards the lunch lines.

"Yeah, I'm coming." I take my wallet out of my purse and catch up with them.

Getting lunch here is a lot different than getting lunch back home. Here, they have a dozen lunch choices every day. And you go get in whichever line for whichever choice you want. There are seven lines. I think I'm leaning towards the nachos today.

"What are you getting?" I ask Selena.

"I'm going to get pizza and French fries." She walks into the pizza line and Nick walks with me into the nacho line.

We both go our separate ways.

Softly, Nick slaps me on my arm. "Sup?"

I chuckle slightly. "Nothing." I watch as the lunch lady piles the nachos and the cheese on my tray.

"So you and Selena seem close already." He grabs my lunch tray and hands it to me nicely.

"I mean, I'm trying. I need a friend." I slide my tray down to finish up getting my lunch. I grab an iced tea and a bag of chips.

"You're gonna get a little more than a friend while you're here, chick." He grabs his own lunch tray.

"What makes you say that?" I grab a chocolate chip cookie.

"A couple of my friends—and I'm not gonna say which ones—but a couple of them think you're hot."

"…Which ones?"

"I'm not a snitch. I said I wouldn't tell and I'm not gonna tell. But it's obvious if you'd just open your eyes, chick."

Nick and I both walk back to the table. Is it possible that I'm so used to not being attractive to boys that I don't notice when I actually am?

I take my seat beside Selena, and Nick sits on the other side of her. Out of nowhere, Cody comes and sits right beside me.

"I said I'd see you at lunch…didn't I?" Why does it sound like he's flirting with me?

"Yes you did." I smirk a little bit. I glance over at Selena and see that she's giving me a thumbs up. I shake my head slightly.

"So how was Spanish class without me?" Cody turns and talks to me some more.

"…Boring."

"I would've entertained you if I were there."

I guess I should flirt back? "Oh really? How would you have done that? Because I'd LOVE to know."

"I can't tell you that now." He smiles and pops a French fry into his mouth.

I sigh dreamily. "Guess you're just all talk." I eat a nacho.

Selena looks over at me with a smile. "Demi, let's go to the bathroom. I have to pee."

I look at her, confused. "But I don't have to…"

"Yeah, but I HAVE TO. So you come with me." She sneaks a wink in at me.

"….Okay. I'll be back." I say to Cody. I get up and walk away from the table with Selena. We don't go to the bathroom, we just go off to a corner of the cafeteria.

"He's totally hitting on you!" She gushes to me. I love how she's happy for me.

"I know! I don't know whether to flirt back or not! What do I do?!"

Selena puts her hands on my arms and holds me. "Why wouldn't you flirt back?!"

I put my hands on her arms too and smile. "I thought you said him and Lacey are an item!"

"Who cares!? He's totally cute and he's hitting on you!"

I laugh and smile. It honestly feels good to have a friend like this in just two days of being here. "I wonder why he's hitting on me. I'm like…. Not that pretty. And he's GORGEOUS."

"Demi, you're pretty. Why do I have to keep telling you that? You're so skinny. And you have a real nice butt. I think you're super gorgeous. And I really don't think that about just anyone. If I thought you were ugly, I wouldn't lie to you."

"…Do you treat all your friends like this?" I smirk again, holding back a laugh.

"…Just the special ones!"

I laugh at her again.

"Seriously though, Demi. You're… different."

"…How different?" I look at her confused again.

"….Can I tell you a secret?"

I nod.

She speaks again, "A lot of my friends…annoy me. I mean, some of them, I'm not really sure if I like them or not. That's why outside of school, all I basically do is hang out with Nick. But you're different. I know that I like you. You don't annoy me. And I feel like I can tell you anything…even though I've only known you for two days. I think you could potentially be my best friend."

I smile, but I don't show any teeth. That's seriously the nicest thing anyone has EVER said to me.

I've never had a best friend before, besides Melby.

I really hope me and Selena can be best friends eventually.

* * *

"So how was school TODAY?" Aunt Kathy asks when I get in the car after school.

"It was better than yesterday. And yesterday was pretty sweet."

"Make any new friends? Any cute boys?" She drives out of the parking lot of the school and drives the way home.

"Friends, yes. Cute boy, yes." I smile and wait for her reaction.

"CUTE BOY?! WHAT'S HIS NAME?!" She gasps. She smiles too, genuinely happy for me. I decide not to tell her about the breakdown I had today in Spanish.

"His name is Cody. And he's super, super cute. We flirted a little bit today." I feel myself blushing.

"No kidding?! What does he look like?" She tampers down the radio so we can talk without talking over it.

"He's… light-skinned. Like… half black, half white. And he has green eyes. And his hair is all shaved and stuff. He's really… really hot."

"Ooooh. He sounds attractive. Keep flirting."

I nod and keep smiling. Aunt Kathy really makes me happy whenever we talk to each other. I feel like she's one of my best friends.

"So what about your friend? Is it still that girl you told me about yesterday?"

"Selena? Yeah. She's… awesome, Aunt Kath. Like… she keeps telling me that I'm pretty and stuff. And she said that she feels comfortable around me. And she invited me to hang out with her this weekend."

"That's amazing, Dems. I'm really glad you're liking school, kid."

I look over at her, still smiling. I realize that my aunt is extremely young and pretty. She has dark brown hair that rests on her shoulders with blonde highlights. Her eyes are really bright blue and she always has on the best makeup.

"So here's the deal for dinner tonight." She starts. I noticed that she skipped the turn to go home. "So, Jason has to stay on base tonight. He'll be home tomorrow morning. Which means it's just you and me for the night. I don't want to cook dinner for just the two of us and let it go to waste. So we can eat out tonight. And I have to go back to the mall to pick up a couple things from Macy's, so we can grab a bite to eat in the mall, if that's okay with you."

"Yeah, that's fine. I was kind of feeling Chinese food tonight, anyway."

"You wanna go straight there? Or do you want to go home first?"

"We can go straight there. No need to waste gas."

"Alrighty." She takes the same exit we took the first time to go to the mall. "Is there anything you want from the mall, girly?"

"Um… no. But I got invited to go to the beach on Saturday, so I do need a bathing suit."

"Alrighty. We'll grab you something. You can go ahead and do your thing while I'm at Macy's. I'm just furniture shopping, so it'll probably be boring for you."

"Okay. Do you want to meet somewhere before we leave?" I twist a strand of my hair around my finger.

"You just go and do your shopping. Pick up anything you want. And before you go off to eat something, just call me." She circles the parking lot, finds a parking space and parks the car.

We both get out and walk to the entrance of the mall.

"Okay kid, I'm going to the furniture store. You go do what you want. Here's a couple bucks. Call me up if you need any more." She fishes three $50 bills from her wallet and hands them to me.

"Okay, Aunt Kathy. See you in a little bit." I walk off in the direction of the stores. She walks off in the direction of the furniture stores.

Okay, so where can I find a bathing suit? I guess I'll just go to Victoria's Secret and look for one. I walk over to an escalator and ride up to the second floor to go to Victoria's Secret.

I walk into the store and go over to the bathing suit section. I don't even know what kind of bathing suit I'm looking for. Whatever's cute, I'll get.

I look through the racks. No, No, No… maybe. No.. ew, this is ugly. No, No, No.

I pick up the best one I can find. I just need a bathing suit. It doesn't have to be extravagant. I pick up a two piece one with straps that go around the back and the neck. It's white with red polka dots and in the center, there is an anchor charm that dangles between the boobs. I look at the price. It's $60.00. I'll get it.

I go to the checkout and hand the cashier the bathing suit.

"Did you find everything alright?" She asks me as she rings up my bathing suit. She doesn't have big boobs, which is weird because I always thought that you had to have giant boobs to work in Victoria's Secret.

"Yes." I say softly and hand her two fifties. She puts my stuff into one of the pink and red striped bags and hands me the silky, satin handles. I hold the bag by the handles and take my change.

"Have a nice day." She says nicely.

"You too." I grab my phone from my pocket and check the time. I've only been gone from Aunt Kathy for ten minutes. There's no way I gave her long enough to pick out new furniture, so to be fair, I'll go browse around for a half hour.

I walk next door from Victoria's Secret and go into a store called Steve & Barry's. There was a Steve & Barry's back at home, so I know what they sell in here. They sell lots of things, from phone cases to jeans. They sell everything.

It's pretty bare in here, though. I guess not a lot of people come here, because it's extremely cheap. That explains why I always came here back in Texas.

I go over to the electronics part, to see if they have cell phone cases or anything for my phone. I just need to kill time.

Aside from these two elderly couples, I'm the only one in here.

If it's anything like the Steve & Barry's back at home, there's a food court inside. They only sell hotdogs and pretzels and drinks, though. I don't want to get food. I just want a drink.

I walk to another part of the store in search of the food place. Sure enough, there it is. I think I'll get a blue raspberry Icee.

I approach the worker that's behind the counter of the food station to place my order.

He looks very, very familiar, but I don't think I've seen him before.

"What would you like, ma'am?" He asks me.

His voice seems familiar too. I find myself staring at him. I swear I've talked to him before.

"Um…a… blue Icee, please." I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I know him. I know I do.

"Certainly." He turns around to make my Icee.

He turns back around with my Icee and hands it to me. "That all?" His voice is gravelly and his muscles seem to be busting through the shirt he's wearing.

OH! I KNOW WHERE HE'S FROM!

"…I thought you worked at the pizza place in the food court?" I can't help but say. I feel like I need to clear this up.

"I thought you looked familiar. You were here just last week. And yeah, I do. I have two jobs here." He shows off his set of pearly white teeth. He has really nice teeth.

I must say, he looks a lot better than the first time I talked to him. His hair seems shorter, but still curly. Not disgustingly curly, though. It only curls at the ends. The majority of it is straight. And it looks like he shaved. And I can see his eyebrows now.

"Yeah, I was. And you were working at the pizza place." I pay for my Icee with the change from my bathing suit. "Keep the change."

"Thanks. You're pretty observant. To remember seeing me." He puts the money in the cash register.

"…I'm new to Daytona. So… I kind of… notice everyone I talk to." I pull my hair over my shoulder.

"I thought you were new. I usually know most of the people that wander into the mall. I didn't know you."

"Yeah, I just moved here."

"So why were you here the first time? Just to scope around?" He hands me a long, red straw to drink my Icee with.

"School shopping." I sip my Icee.

"You still in school? You don't look it…" He wipes the counter with a dishrag.

"I'm only a junior." I shift my weight off my back leg and sway.

"I miss high school. Best days of my life. You go to Mainland or Sea Ridge?"

"Mainland…"

"I graduated from Mainland." He chuckles.

Wow, he's super old. "That's cool." I don't know what else to say, but I like talking to him.

"Yeah. Do you like it? I loved it." He leans against the counter.

"I like it. Everyone is really nice. And the school's nice too."

"The school is nice. My brother goes to Mainland. He's a junior too. But he's a nobody, so you probably don't know him."

"I don't really know much of anyone yet."

"I see. Well, if you ever see a curly headed little idiot, that's my brother. Name's Nick. Nick Jonas."

"THAT'S your brother?!" It's a small town after all. I feel myself flushing bright red, which is strange.

"You know him? Curly headed little Nick?" Pizza boy/Icee guy smiles too.

"Yeah… he's my friend's boyfriend. I sit with him at lunch."

"Your friend's name Selena?"

I nod. "Mhm."

"That's Nick. He's always with her. He nice to you?"

"Yeah. He's really cool. And he helps me out with lunch and stuff."

"Good. I'll have to tell him that I met one of his friends. What'd you say your name was?" He flips his hair. My god, why are his eyebrows so bushy?

"Oh, I'm sorry. I never did say my name. But it's Demi." I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. My tongue is probably blue, I just hope my lips aren't.

"Nice to meet you, Demi. I'm Joe." He holds his hand out to me.

I take it in my hand too and we shake. "Nice to meet you too, Joe." I look at him again.

He isn't ugly, despite my first impression. He must've been really sweaty the first time I saw him. He looks a lot better this time around. He looks like he shaved and he got a haircut. I think he's really cute. But he's much, much too old for me. I think I'll stick with sexy Cody.

"I have to go now… My aunt is probably waiting for me." I throw the empty Icee cup in the trash.

"See you around. And I'll definitely tell Nick that I met you."

"Sounds good. Bye, Joe."

"See you… Demi."

Why do I feel all tingly when I leave?

* * *

_August 28, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today was better than yesterday, which is really great. I think me and Selena are going to become very good friends. She told me today that I have potential to be her best friend. I'd like that a lot. She also invited me to hang out this weekend. I think I'll go to the school football game with her and then we'll go to the beach on Saturday. I don't care where we go. I'm just glad she invited me. _

_Today in Spanish, I got really sad thinking about you. It just bugs me how different everything is, but maybe it's changing for the better. Anyway, I started to cry a little bit, but then we got dismissed to lunch and I felt a little bit better when I talked to my friends. I still miss you so much, and I don't think I ever will NOT miss you._

_So on a lighter note, I met two cute boys today, one named Cody and the other named Joe. I'm leaning more towards Cody, because Joe is much too old. Me and Cody flirted a little bit today, and I think I'm going to dress really cute tomorrow to impress him. I don't really see myself dating Cody yet, so I'll let you know what happens. But I want a boyfriend, so I think Cody would do. I'm not going to force anything though._

_I'm sorry that this letter is so short, but I'm really sleepy. I had a very long day today. I just wanted to tell you about everything that happened today. I don't want you to miss anything in my life. I miss you and I love you so much._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._


	11. Discussions

The only period I even pay attention in today is Chemistry Lab. I think I pay attention so much in this class today, because we're getting our lab partners. I'm kind of excited to know who my lab partner is, but then again I just hope it's Selena. If it's Selena, I won't have to deal with getting to know somebody all over again.

When the bell rings for class to start, we all sit in the same seats we've been sitting in for the past two days. I sit beside Selena and Nick sits in front of us with the boy I think is named Zack. Cody is sitting clear across the room, but even from such a distance, I can feel him staring at me. Aside from lunchtime, this is the first time I've seen Cody all day. He wasn't in art class this morning, and it's not my business to ask why. But he's staring at me, so it's a good thing I dressed nicely today.

Here at Mainland High, every day is a fashion show. Or at least that's how it seems for the first week. The outfits that some girls wear are borderline slutty, but very nice. I took a little advice from the slut/nice girls and amped up my outfit today. Today, I'm wearing a pair of white jean shorts. The shorts are incredibly short, but they're still not against the dress code. I don't think there is a dress code here. To accompany my shorts, I have on a light purple half shirt from Victoria's Secret. I'm glad that I'm skinny, otherwise the half shirt would probably look disgusting exposing my stomach. I've also gotten tons of "ooohs" and "ahhs" at my belly ring, though I don't know why. I got it pierced a year ago with Dallas and it's not that big of a deal.

"Settle down, class. Settle down." My chemistry teacher stands in front of the board and commands control of us. Once we're all quiet, she begins to talk. She's kind of a bitch, but if you catch her on a good day, she likes to joke around. She has shoulder length blonde hair and she's slightly pudgy. Her name is Mrs. Powell.

"I'm sure you guys know that today is lab partner day." She claps her hands together in mock excitement. "This year is different from Honors Chemistry One. This year, we will be looking at chemical balances and chemical attractions. Because we will be doing things that involve reactions between males and females, I have decided to make your lab groups in male-female forms."

Everyone groans at that, including me. I just want my lab partner to be Selena. Apparently that's too much to ask for.

"Now, so there's no fighting, we will use the old "rock, paper, scissors" method. Boys, line up in front of the room. Girls line up in the back."

Everyone follows her instructions. Nobody has balls enough to argue. I stand beside Selena in the back of the room.

"First match. Nick and Zack, rock, paper, scissors." Mrs. Powell has a clipboard that she's using to write down the names.

Nick and Zack do the rock, paper, scissors jive and Nick wins with his rock.

"Mr. Jonas, pick your poison." Mrs. Powell points to the line of girls.

"Selena." Nick says. Everyone saw that coming. I know I did. I smirk. I'm glad that Selena and Nick are partners, though I wish Selena was my partner. Maybe I'll get lucky and be partnered up with Cody.

"Next Match. Lacey and Chloe." Mrs. Powell says.

Lacey and Chloe do the rock paper scissors and Chloe wins. Chloe is ugly, I think. But I'm not one to judge. Whatever, because Chloe picks Liam as her partner. Liam is the weird guy from English class that had the snakebites and red tipped hair.

Next is Alex and Mark. Mark wins and chooses Lexi.

After that, Regan and Tori go. Regan wins and chooses Alex.

Finally, it's Cody's turn. All he has to do is win and I have a decent lab partner. Cody's going against this dark skinned guy named Paul. Paul isn't ugly, he just isn't my type. He's really, really dark. But that doesn't matter to me. He's also really big and fat. I don't usually try to call people fat, but Paul is. He has to weigh at least 200 pounds. But the thing is, it suits him. I don't think he'd look right if he weren't fat.

Paul wins the game of rock, paper, scissors and Cody doesn't look like he's phased by it. Neither am I, to be honest.

"Paul, pick your partner." Mrs. Powell scribbles down something.

"Demi." Paul says, staring at me. He's looking at me like I'm a piece of meat. It's like I look delicious to him.

I put on a fake smile so that I don't seem rude and look at Cody. Cody looks like he's very, very angry.

I guess I'm angry too, but I'm a little excited. It's always a good thing to make new friends, right?

So the last class of today is Study Hall. My study hall is in the room with Mr. Carrison, which is great because he doesn't care if we talk. And all my friends are in study hall with me. Nick, Selena, Cody and even Paul. It's the first week of school and there's nothing to study today, so Mr. Carrison just puts Finding Nemo on for us to watch.

"My brother told me that he met you yesterday, Demi." Nick says to me as we sit down at the desks. We all tend to sit beside each other. Nick sits in front of me, Selena sits beside me and Cody sits beside me too.

"Oh… yeah. He works at the pizza place and in Steve & Barry's in the mall." I feel awkward talking about Nick's brother while Cody's sitting right beside me.

"He said you carry good conversation."

"He does too."

I think about Joe. He's really cute. But let's face it, he's way too old.

"So what are we all doing this weekend?" Selena changes the subject. I'm glad she did, because I just feel like crap thinking about Joe while Cody's right here.

"I dunno. What are you doing, babe?" Nick retorts.

Cody slides his chair closer to me. He's so close that I can smell his cologne.

"Well on Friday, me and Demi were going to go to the football game, but Mark just told me today that it's away. It's not a home game, so I don't think we're gonna go anymore. But on Saturday, we're going to the beach."

Something inside me is telling me to invite them over to my house. I just feel like they'd enjoy it at Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's. The living room is big enough to suit all of us.

"Why don't we just chill over my house Friday? My mom don't care." Nick beats me to asking, so I just forget about it.

"All of us?" Cody asks. He weasels his hand into mine and holds it.

"Yeah. We can just chill outside. In the pool and stuff. Watch a movie or something." Nick shrugs.

"I was coming over anyway." Selena rests her head on Nick's shoulder. Nick holds her hand just like Cody's holding mine.

I actually have friends. We're going to hang out this weekend. That's so fucking cool. I actually have FRIENDS.

Nick leans over to Selena's face and the two of them kiss each other deeply. I can't help but watch it, but I look away whenever I get bored. I just wish someone would kiss me like that. But I'm not that attracted yet.

"Get. A. Room." Cody whispers to them two.

Nick puts up his middle finger and never breaks the kiss between he and Selena.

I'm so unflirty it's funny. Cody keeps inching his chair closer and closer to mine, and it takes me forever to notice that he wants me to lay on his shoulder like Selena is laying on Nick's. I'll do it, but I don't think we should kiss. We don't even fully date.

I lean down and put my head on his shoulder.

"You're so hot, Demi." He whispers to me.

I smile. "Thank you."

Really softly, he leans to my cheek and kisses me.

I do feel butterflies fluttering all through my stomach, but I don't know if it means anything.

"I mean it. You look so good." He keeps whispering in my ear. He kisses my cheek again.

He's flirting, I guess I should flirt back.

"So do you…" I don't know why it's so hard for me to flirt with him. I like Cody, I do. Why is it so hard for me to show it?

"You're gonna be mine someday… you know that?" He strokes my hand which makes me relax a little bit.

"That sounds promising…" I'm so awkward with flirting. I'm literally terrible at it. But it doesn't seem like Cody minds, because he doesn't stop stroking my hand and kissing me on my cheek.

"One day…" He smiles and kisses my cheek one last time before he pulls away. I don't want him to think that I'm disinterested, so I need to flirt one last time.

"What's stopping you from that day being today?" I don't really mean that. Honestly, if Cody asked me out, I'd probably say no. It's way too soon for that. But it's the only thing I thought of to say.

"Give me a little bit of time." He kisses my hand instead of my cheek this time.

I think I really, really like him.

* * *

_August 29, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I think me and Cody have taken it to "the next level", whatever that is. Today in study hall, he kissed me. Not on the lips or anything, but it's still a kiss, right? We were also flirting big time. I think Cody might actually be the one for me, but I'm not gonna reach. I'm gonna let everything run it's own course._

_Selena found out that the football game on Friday is going to be away. It's not going to be a home game, so we can't go anymore. But instead, we're going to all hang out over her boyfriend, Nick's house. I'm excited to hang out with all my friends. I thought it was going to be hard for me, because both Cody and Joe are going to be there. But I realized today that I don't really like Joe. I just think he's kind of cute. I don't think it'll be hard anymore, because Cody is more of my type and he's a potential date. Joe isn't a potential date for me._

_I think you'd be happy to know that I like it here. It's not completely awful, and I'm starting to second guess whether I'd rather be home or not. I think I'm finally beginning to think of Florida as home. _

_I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but I accidentally called Aunt Kathy "mom" today. It slipped out so fast that I didn't even realize I said it until after I said it. I felt really bad after that, please believe I did. It was just bad, because I asked her to braid my hair while it was wet, like you used to. You remember that? How you used to braid my hair after I washed it so that when I took it out, it would be curly? I remember it too._

_But after she braided my hair, I said "thank you, mommy." To her. I felt horrible and I went upstairs and sat in my room without the TV on or my iPod. I needed to punish myself. After about fifteen minutes, Aunt Kathy came up into my room and gave me a hug. She told me it was an honest mistake and that you wouldn't be angry with me if you knew that I did that. She also told me that I could call her "mom" if it made me feel more comfortable, but I can't do that. I refuse to, though I do need to find something else to call her, because saying "Aunt Kathy" all the time is getting to be a mouthful._

_I wish you were here to help me with everything, but I give Aunt Kathy a lot of credit, because she's really being a good substitute for you. It's good that you two were sisters, because in more ways than one, she reminds me of you. Her voice isn't as pretty as yours was, but she sings while she cooks like you used to. _

_Grandma called me today after I got home from school. She asked me how I was doing and if I was adjusting well. I told her that I was fine and she believed me. She said that she had to go take care of grandpa, but she was thinking of me. So we cut the conversation short. She also expressed to me how much she misses you, and I can agree with her on that._

_Also, Dallas's birthday gift to me came in the mail. It took so long to get here, because it got sent back. It got sent back, because Dallas is stupid and didn't address it right. But anyway, her gift is really nice. It's a picture of us. All of us. The frame is yellow with pink flowers all over it and it says "A mother's love is irreplaceable" on it. The picture is my favorite part, because we all look really happy. You're holding Maddie on your lap and she's looking up at you, smiling. I don't know how, but I'm on daddy's back and Dallas is laying in the grass. I think we took it at the fourth of July picnic last year. _

_I have to go to bed now, mommy. But I really love you. And I know you love me too. And if you're worried about me, I'll be okay. Just rest easy, wherever you are._

_Until next time,_

_Love always, _

_Demi._

* * *

_August 31, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL WITHOUT DYING!_

_It's something we should all celebrate, haha. _

_I know I usually don't write to you unless it's late in the evening or early in the morning, but I'm writing to you right now because I'm leaving in a little bit to go over Nick's. I'm not sure what time I'll be back, so I decided to write now. It's been important to me to write to you at least once a day. _

_I'm excited to go hang out with my friends. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think I'll be okay. I think I'm most nervous to hang out with Cody. It's been so long since I've had a boyfriend that I can't remember how to even act attractive. _

_I think it's going to go pretty well. I don't think I would've been invited if they didn't want me there. They must really like me. If it goes bad tonight, at least I can redeem myself with the beach tomorrow._

_So school today was fun too. We still haven't learned anything yet, but I think we're going to start learning next week. The only class we have started getting a grade in is art. In art class, we're doing something called "melted crayon art." I've never done it before, but I think I really like it. Today I started actually melting my crayons. My art teacher, Mrs. W. said that mine is turning out to be really nice. I wonder how she can tell that when I've only melted three crayons. She also said that she's never seen anyone in her classes use various shades of yellow for class, so I got three bonus points for that. I think art class is my favorite class._

_I think I'm going to give my melted crayon art to Aunt Kathy whenever it's all done. I'm gonna give it to her, because if you were here, I'd give it to you. But you're not here, so she's the next best thing. _

_In study hall today, we went outside to play kickball. Mr. Carrison is such a cool teacher. He's also very attractive, but I think I've told you that before. He has light blonde hair and light brown eyes. He's really cute. I think his eyes change colors though._

_Anyway, I was on Cody's team for kickball and he let me play first base while he played second base. He caught everything that came my way, so I virtually didn't have to do anything. My team won the kickball game and Mr. Carrison gave the winners each a stick of Big Red gum. You know that I don't like cinnamon gum, so I gave mine to Selena. She appreciated it._

_I think Aunt Kathy is calling for dinner now, so I'm going to leave. She wants me to eat something before I leave, so I guess I should respect her by eating. I think she made cold cut sandwiches tonight, which is good. I'm not that hungry anyway. _

_I'll let you know how tonight goes. Wish me luck? _

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I put my pencil back on my desk, fold up my letter and go on downstairs.

It's 3:00 now and I've only been out of school for an hour. Selena is supposed to come pick me up at around 5:30 so that we can go over Nick's. But she also said she'd call me in a little while so that we can talk a little before we go. I'm honestly not sure what I should wear, so I'm glad she'll be calling.

"What time are you leaving again, kiddo?" Aunt Kathy puts a saucer with a sandwich on it in front of me.

"I don't know. Around 5:30, I think." I pick the sandwich up and take a bite.

She puts a can of Pepsi beside me. "And you have a ride over there?"

"Yep." I crack open the can of soda and sip it. "My friend's coming to get me."

Aunt Kathy grabs her own plate and sits across from me with it. "So I guess we have to discuss your curfew now, huh?" She properly cuts her sandwich in half.

"Um… yeah. We probably should." I say with a laugh. It's so cute to see how confused my aunt is with teenager stuff.

"So what time do you want to come in? You're sixteen, what time do you think is reasonable?" She takes a bite of her own sandwich and chews.

I swallow the turkey inside my mouth. "Um… 12:00?"

"That's pushing it, kid. How about 11:30?"

"That's too… early." I smirk a little bit. I think we're having our first little disagreement, which is cute because my aunt doesn't like to argue.

"You're sixteen, Demi. I think 11:30 is reasonable." Aunt Kathy's smirk matches mine.

"Just an extra half hour?" I put my sandwich down and clasp my hands together in a begging way.

"…No. 12:00 is way too late. You want to be gone for seven hours?"

"But Aunt KATHY…." Selena doesn't have to be home until 12:30, which is why I'm pushing it a little.

Aunt Kathy sighs softly. "How about this. Your curfew is at 11:30 whenever you're out and about. You said you're just sitting over your friend's tonight? Over his actual house?"

"Yes. Just over his house."

"Tonight, you can come home at 12:00. But if you're out at… the movies or an amusement park or something… you need to be home by 11:30. 12:00 is only for houses. Agreed?"

"…Agreed." I smile at her.

"…Boy having a teenager really is rough." She laughs playfully.

"But you love it, right?" I get up from the table and put my plate in the sink.

"It's not that bad." She waves her hand at me.

"I have to go find something to wear. Dinner was good." I wipe my mouth and head out of the kitchen. I leave my aunt to read her cookbook and eat.

I really don't know what to wear. I'm not sure if I should dress casually, slutty, or nicely. I don't want to seem too provocative, but I think I want to impress Cody.

As if she hears the dilemma inside my head, my phone starts buzzing with the call from Selena.

I slide my finger across and answer it. "Help me." I greet her with that.

She laughs in my ear. "Hello to you too."

I laugh too. "I'm sorry. But I need help…"

"Help with what?"

"I don't know what to wear. What are you wearing?"

"Well, the Jonases have a real nice pool in their backyard and every time Nick has friends over, we always swim. So I'm wearing my bathing suit and a pair of shorts. Don't stress over it, Demi. Cody will think you're hot in whatever you wear."

"So… bathing suit and shorts?"

"That's all I'm wearing."

"Okay, okay. Good thing I just bought a new bathing suit. What time are we leaving?"

"We'll be over to grab you at around 5:00. We have to go earlier than 5:30 if we want a ride."

"Okay, 5's cool."

"Where'd you say you live again? On Seabreeze?"

"Yeah. It's the house with the big black truck out front and the fenced in palm tree. You can't miss it. It's a… pretty big house."

"Okay. See you at 5?"

"See you."

I hang up my phone and sit it on my dresser.

Well, I was going to take a shower before I left, but that's pointless now. Why would I take a shower when I'm just going to go get into the pool?

I grab my new bathing suit from my drawer and rip the price tag off it. I'd better hurry up and go shave.

I shut my bedroom door and strip out of all my clothes. I streak to my bathroom and turn on bath water. I just need to make sure I'm clean real quick.

Butt naked, I sit on the edge of my bathtub and grab a razor. I use a bar of soap to lather my legs up with soap and start shaving away. I'm not sure if anyone will be rubbing on my legs tonight, but just in case there is, I want them to be silky smooth.

When I'm done with my legs, I move on and shave all the hair from my armpits. Once they're smooth, I move on to the most important part, my lady parts.

I don't know if shaving this would make a difference, because I'm almost certain that I'll get NO play down there tonight. But I have to be prepared. Carefully, I shave off all the hair that was just starting to grow down there.

I let the water out of my tub, throw the razor away and streak back to my room.

I grab my bathing suit and slip on the bottoms. I tie the sides tightly so that they stay on. I make sure that the silver anchor charm that is dangling in the middle of the bottoms is facing the right way. I look at myself in the mirror.

I don't look disgusting. I wish that I had skinnier thighs, though. My thighs touch. I'm not fat at all, but I don't have a stick skinny body. I'm almost stick skinny, but my thighs kill it for me. I have little body fat on my stomach. I have more of an hour glass shape, but it's not bad. I only weigh 120.

I grab the top and tie it around my neck and my back. I match the pads up to my boobs and tie it a little tighter. The tighter I tie it, the bigger my boobs appear. I make sure the silver anchor lines up right between my boobs. I think the suit looks nice on me.

I wiggle a pair of blue jean shorts on my hips and pull on a plain white tank top. My hair looks cute in the sloppy ponytail I have it in, so I leave it.

I slide on my red pair of flip flops, grab my Spongebob beach towel, my phone and head downstairs to chill until Selena comes.

I take my seat on the couch next to my uncle. He's watching Divorce Court.

"What are you watching this for, Uncle Jason? Should Aunt Kathy be worried?" I plop down next to him and lay on his shoulder like I always do.

"Shut up, punk." He flicks me on my ear.

"Ouch!" I punch him on his arm in retaliation.

"You hit like a girl, punk." He laughs loudly. Even his laugh is intimidating.

I shut up and watch the TV.

"….So you're going over a boy's house?" He takes a sip from his can of beer.

"Yes. My friend, though. He's only my friend."

"Should I have the sex talk with you?"

"Please don't!"

"I'm just askin'!"

"Well don't!" I laugh hard. Harder than I have in a little while. "…Besides. My mom already beat you to it. Like… nine years ago."

"You weren't a teenager nine years ago."

"Doesn't everything still work the same?"

"I'm just sayin'. Guys… just want somewhere to stick their—"

"UNCLE JASON, PLEASE!"

"I wanna give it to you straight, kid! Things are different these days."

"I BELIEVE YOU! TRUST ME, I KNOW!"

"You do know that sex doesn't have to be pointless, right?"

I clamp my hands over my ears. "Uncle Jason, I'm a virgin. Okay?"

"…You pullin' my leg?"

"No. I swear. I'm… pure. So can we just stop talking about sex?"

"Okay, okay. I just want you to be open with me. Alright?"

I hear the sound of a horn beeping outside. "My ride's here." I spring up from the couch, happy to get away from such an awkward conversation.

"See you later, punk. Use protection!"

I dash out the house and out to Selena's car.

Me? Condoms? I'm not even gonna get laid until I'm 40.

I love my uncle.

He's so funny sometimes.


	12. Imagine

I walk to the shiny red convertible and get in the back seat. I've never ridden in a car that has the top down, so this is really cool.

"Hey Demi." Selena looks back at me from the front seat. "Mom, this is Demi. Demi, my mom." She introduces me to the woman in the driver's seat.

"Nice to meet you, sweetie. Selena's told me a whole lot about you." Her mom is really pretty, but I would've never guessed that she would be Selena's mom. She's pale white with blonde hair and greenish eyes. She's really pretty and she looks very, very young. If I look at her long enough, she kind of does look like Selena. Just a whiter version of her. I was expecting her to be a dark skin, dark haired Mexican woman.

"Demi, I thought you said you were gonna wear your bathing suit." Selena turns around and faces me from the front seat.

"I am. It's under my tank top." I lift it up and show her.

"See, mom! It's not inappropriate to get my belly button pierced! Demi has hers!" She turns her attention back to her mom.

"I told you I'd think about it, Selena Marie. Stop bugging me about it." Her mom doesn't even pay attention to her. Her eyes never leave the road. "How old are you, Demi?" She asks.

"Me? I'm sixteen. I just turned sixteen on the 20th." I'm playing with the volume button on my phone.

"Aw, happy belated."

"Thank you…."

"Selena's been trying to get me to let her pierce her belly since she turned fifteen. When did your mother let you get yours done?"

"I went with my sister on my…fourteenth birthday, I think. My sister was eighteen, so she signed the paper for me. But my mom didn't care." It hurts a little to talk about Dallas and my mom.

"I just don't trust Selena with piercings. Knowing her, it'll get infected and her belly button will fall off."

I chuckle. "It's not that hard to just keep it clean."

She makes a turn onto a long, winding road. "So how do you like it in Daytona? Selena told me you're from Texas. I'm a Texas girl too."

"I like it in Daytona Beach. It's a lot different than Texas, but it's nice." I like that her mom is actually trying to talk to me.

"Who are your folks? I might have known them. You said you're from Dallas area?"

"Yeah. Colleyville. Right outside of Dallas. A few hours away from Corpus Christi. And I'm a Lovato. L-O-V-A-T-O."

"I don't think I know any Lovatos. What's your mom's maiden name?"

"Hart. She used to be a cheerleader for the Cowboys…" I have to try really hard to mask the hurt in my voice.

"I do know a couple Harts. I know Sue. I used to go over to her house with my mom when they'd play cards together. I used to play with some of her kids, but I was much younger than them. Then we moved off to Grand Prairie and I never really saw them again. I think my mom and Sue are still good friends, though."

"Sue's my grandma." I nod. It really is a small fucking world.

"Oh really?! That's neat. Which one was your mom? I only remember there being two girls. I don't remember their names though." We're still riding up this long ass road.

"My mom? She was Dianna. The older one. The… blonde one." I bite my lip hard. I just wanna get out of the car.

"I remember her! She's a singer, isn't she? She was always real nice to me. She was a good few years older than me, but she still played with me. How's she doing?"

I don't feel like I can talk anymore, so I want to cut the conversation. "She's doing… okay, I guess." I feel like I'd be disappointing her if I told her the truth.

"That's good. Tell her Mandy says hi. She should remember me."

"I will." I whisper kind of low. I bite my lip once again. Man, this hurts.

As my saving grace, Selena's mom brakes the car to a stop. We stop in front of a really, really, REALLY nice house. It's very light brown, almost yellow. It has white doors and white windows with white balconies. It's extremely big and there are three palm trees that sit in a fenced in yard. The garage looks like it holds at LEAST four cars. I don't want to be all bratty, but it isn't nicer than my aunt and uncle's house. It's PRETTY nice, though.

"Selena, call me around 10. Let me know what you're doing. I'll be back to get you guys at 11:30, 12:00, is that alright with your parents, Demi?"

"Yes, they're okay with it." I get out of the car. Breathe, Demi. Breathe. I'm still very upset, but I have to shake it off. I'm okay… I'm okay.

Selena walks over to my side and we both watch as her mom drives away.

"…Sorry. About her…" Selena turns to me and looks at me with deep sincerity.

"…Why are you saying sorry?" I'm confused though. Her mom didn't do anything bad.

"I just… I noticed how sad you get when someone talks about your family. You get really sad, don't you? I saw that in Spanish class on Tuesday. So I'm sorry that she was so nosy."

"Oh. Don't worry about that. She didn't know…"

"Know what? You don't like your family? I don't like mine either. You're not alone. I can't stand my mother sometimes."

"Don't say that." I shake my head.

"But it's true."

"Don't say that though. You love your mom. And you're wrong… I do like my family. I love my family… they're just… not here with me." I look up at the house so that I don't cry.

"…They aren't here? Are you a foster child? ….I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me."

"No, I'm not a foster child." I shake my head.

"I…I honestly didn't think so. You have an iPhone, I didn't really think you were an orphan." She giggles.

That makes me giggle too, which I'm thankful for. "I live with my aunt and uncle. My uncle's in the military so they got a lot of money."

"….Well I don't know why you get sad about your family. But if you ever feel okay to talk about it, you can talk to me."

I feel okay now. That little burst of laughter just gave me so much strength. "It's not my family. It's just my mom. I get sad talking about her cause… um… She… passed away. A few months ago, she did. That's all…"

"Oh my god…I'm really… I'm sorry Demi. I can't imagine… but you're so… normal."

"I learned to deal with it. I only get sad sometimes." I brush it off. "Let's not talk about it, though. I'm ready to go have fun." I put on a smile. It's only half fake. The other half is genuine.

Selena smiles at me. "Yeah. Let's go have fun. I wonder if Cooooody is here yet." She starts walking up to the front door.

I giggle. "Shut up, bitch. We all know Nick is here." I follow her to the door.

"I can't believe you called me a bitch. We really are gonna be best friends." She rings the bell once and we wait for it to be answered.

We don't wait any longer than thirty seconds before the door is opened for us. Nick is the one that opens it.

"Finally. The ladies are here." He jokes and steps aside to let us in.

I follow Selena's lead and kick my shoes off as soon as we walk in. The house is really, really nice. It's very bright and spacious. It's nice and open, like you can just be free. I don't know how else to describe it besides beautiful and just… free.

Nick and Selena share a deep kiss and I just sit back and wait for it to be over. "I got you later, babe." Nick smiles and kisses her again.

They pull away and acknowledge me again. "We're all outside in the pool. Cody's been waiting for you." Nick says.

"…I've been waiting to see him too." I smile at the thought of him. Cody brightens my day.

Selena and I both walk through Nick's gorgeous house, through the kitchen and to the back door. Nick slides the door and walks through it, onto his patio. It's stifling hot outside. I follow Selena's lead again and walk over to a couple of chairs that are on the patio. She takes off her pants and I take off my shirt. I take off my shorts too and pile them in the chair with Selena's things. I don't feel weird in my bathing suit. I feel comfortable.

"Selena, when is it okay to kiss?" I hurry up and ask before we get into the pool.

"What do you mean?" She takes her hair out of the ponytail she had it in. Her hair is so gorgeous.

"Me and Cody have been… messing around for four days now. And he likes me, I like him. But four days is still too soon to kiss, right?"

"…I don't think so. You should start out slow, though. Like…. Not the intense kissing that me and Nick do. The kissing and the touching. Don't do that. Just… kiss him. And if you feel comfortable, you can make out with him. I don't think it's too soon…"

"Okay, thanks. I just needed to know." I pull my hair out of my messy ponytail too. I follow Selena as we both walk down a small flight of stairs to the pool area.

Their backyard is SO nice. There's a really big inground pool with a slide and a diving board. Off in one corner is a trampoline and in another corner is a basketball court. It's really nice.

Selena completely ditches me and runs off to the diving board. I'm not mad about her ditching me, because I'm not that nervous to be here. I'm not ready to get into the pool just yet, so I pop a squat on the edge with my feet in. I swish my feet in the water. Selena dives in the pool and she lands in Nick's arms, which I think is cute.

Cody swims over to me with a smile on his face. He grabs my feet. "Long time since I've seen your face." He comments.

I smile and look at him. "I just saw you in school."

"Still too long for me. Why aren't you getting in?" He moves his hands up my legs and massages them.

"I'll get in pretty soon. I just wanna get used to the water." I kick my feet some more.

He holds my legs still and keeps massaging them. Easily, he puts both his hands on each of my knees and parts my legs. Yes, he's doing it in a sexual manner, and no I don't mind. Nothing's gonna happen.

"I wonder if your lips are as soft as your legs…" He leans down and presses his lips to the inside part of my kneecap.

"No need to be nasty. You can just ask to find out…" This flirting thing is becoming easier for me.

"What can I say? Maybe I'm just a nasty kind of guy…" He kisses a little bit above my knee, moving to my inner thigh.

"…How nasty?" I bite my lip at just thinking about it.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He moves so that he's between my legs. He puts his hands on my lower back and pulls me into the pool. The water isn't too cold.

"…Maybe you can find out how soft my lips are before the end of the day."

He keeps his hands on my lower back. "I'll hold you to that, okay?" He presses his lips to my cheek and rubs me.

Interrupting the moment, Nick and Selena come over, splashing like assholes. "We're gonna go grab some food. My dad made some stuff off the grill. You two lovebirds coming to eat?" Nick asks. Nick's carrying Selena on his back.

"Yeah, I'm hungry." Cody lets me go, but takes hold of my hand.

I'm not hungry, but I'll go anyway, just to sit down and talk with them. We all get out of the pool and I grab my towel. I wrap my towel around my waist and follow all of them up on the patio and back through the kitchen door. The kitchen isn't empty like it was a couple minutes ago when we walked through it.

Now, there's a short woman with dark brown hair setting out paper plates. She's really pretty and she looks like she's probably very nice.

"Oh yeah. Mom, this is my new friend, Demi. Demi, this is my mom." Nick introduces me to her.

She busily puts her hand out to me. "Nice to meet you, I'm Mrs. Jonas."

I grab her hand and shake it firmly. "I'm Demi."

"You're so cute. That smile…." She actually looks at me. She examines me, it looks like. "…You're Italian, aren't you honey?"

"Sicilian." I nod and smile.

"I DO love a pretty little Italian girl. You're adorable. Very nice to meet you, honey."

"Thank you." I'm smiling so big that I can actually FEEL my dimples coming out. And my dimples only come out whenever I'm SMILING.

"You guys can help yourselves to whatever you want to eat. Drinks are in the fridge. Nicholas, don't let my kitchen get too messy." She sets out plastic forks too and leaves the kitchen.

"I'll be back in a second. I'm going to go pee. Don't miss me." Cody leans down and kisses me on my neck and then he disappears to go to the bathroom. I smile a little bit.

"Demi, are you hungry?" Selena asks, piling her plate with food. The food all looks very delicious, but I already ate a sandwich.

"No, I'm not. I just want a drink." I go to the fridge and grab a can of iced tea.

When everyone is done, I follow them back outside on the patio so that they can sit and eat. I sit next to Selena, with an open seat for Cody on my right.

"So why don't you and Code just date already?" Nick takes a giant bite of a hot dog.

"We're taking things slow, dipshit." I sip my tea.

I hear the sliding glass door open again behind me, but I don't turn and look to see who it is because it's more than likely Cody.

The air shifts beside me and instead of the tan, light brown skin that belongs to Cody, paler skin sits next to me. I don't even look at the face. I just freeze.

"Nick didn't tell me you were coming over." His familiar, gravelly voice booms in my ear.

I turn to look at him, and my worst nightmares come true. He is shirtless, and his muscles are so big and chiseled that I can't help but to imagine what he looks like naked. His dick probably has muscles in it too. Oh my god, he's so hot.

"…Long time no see, huh?" I say.

"Long time no talk. A little weird seeing me outside of uniform?"

A little weird seeing you without a shirt, but lord knows I won't complain. You can take everything off and I still wouldn't say a word. "Just a little." I laugh softly.

"It's a little weird seeing you without a shopping bag in your hand." He reaches over and covers my vagina area with my towel.

I don't mind, but it was a little weird. "Never did I think that I'd be sitting over the pizza boy's house."

"The pizza boy has a name. It's a little rude if you don't remember it, considering the fact that he remembers your name… Demi."

I don't look up into his eyes. I don't want to look him in his eyes. Cody is bound to be coming back out now.

"I remember your name. It's Joe. How could I forget?" WHY did that just fly out of my mouth?

"I sure hope you wouldn't forget. How pathetic would that be? I remember your name but you don't remember mine. I'd have to go into hiding or something for that one." He taps his hands on the glass table.

I finally look up into his eyes. His eyes are so pretty. They're the lightest shade of brown I've ever seen, but yet they're still dark. He has the longest eyelashes and the most incredibly bushy, but still completely perfect eyebrows. "So you didn't work today, pizza boy?"

"You weren't at the mall today." He counters me. He looks into my eyes too, which is something new, because when Cody talks to me, he usually looks at my mouth.

"Maybe I was there…" Flirting with Joe comes easier to me than flirting with Cody. It's natural with Joe. I don't have to think about what to say.

"I know you weren't there. I would've seen you."

"What if I didn't go to the pizza place, and I didn't go to Steve & Barry's?"

"…You really know how to bust my balls, Demi. Why can't you just let me have a little fun?" He flashes that dazzling, perfect smile again. Shit, I just wet my pants. If you know what I mean….

"Why can't you just admit that you were looking for me?"

"And what if I did admit it? Not saying that I was, but hypothetically speaking, of course."

"…I'd tell you to keep dreaming, because I'm not interested."

"…Tease."

"Go make me some pizza." I look away from him again, but my eyes catch on his swimming trunks. I have a little fun imagining where he is. I'd love to know his length. I imagine he's very thick and very, very long. I lick my lips. I'm getting back in the pool anyway, so I might as well have some fun with getting wet.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I BEING SUCH A SLUT?

"Are you this bitchy to every guy that tries to get to know you?" I notice how he never takes his eyes off me.

No, just the ones I particularly like. "Maybe." I sound disinterested.

He laughs and gives me that perfect smile again. He sits back and puts his hands together. "So do you really want that pizza?"

"No." I shake my head. "But do you offer all girls free pizza?"

"…You want me to lie to you or tell you the truth?" He smiles some more, not showing teeth.

"…Lie to me." I look back at the door. I don't really care where Cody is right now.

"No. I don't offer all girls free pizza. I only offer the ugly ones free pizza to make them feel better about themselves."

I smile now. "….Tell me the truth."

"Nope. I don't offer all girls free pizza. Just the ones that are pretty." He taps his foot.

I smile genuinely. "Well… if that's the case… then I'll take free pizza. And no… I don't accept food from all boys…." I can flirt so easily with him.

He smiles at me some more. "You don't?"

"Nope….." I shake my head and lick my lips again. "Just the ones I think are cute." I wink at him.

"….See you a little later. I'm gonna go take a shower." He pushes his chair out and gets up from the table.

"See you… pizza boy."

He flicks me off playfully and disappears into the house.

I will take that literally. The middle finger? Oh, please let me take that literally. I'm half tempted to get up and follow him into the shower. I'll follow him into his shower and watch for a moment. Then I'll get in with him. I don't mind sharing. Does he? I don't know why I'm sitting here thinking about this. But it's all true.

He probably doesn't even think about me in the way I'm thinking about him. I bet he thinks that I'm just a little girl. That's true, though. I am just a little girl compared to him. He's probably in college. I'm still a junior in high school. I guess I can have a crush on him. Like I have a crush on Mr. Carrison. But it's different, because I don't fantasize about Carrison.

I can sit here all night and just fantasize about Joe. I can think about what he looks like naked, how incredible he must be in bed, everything. I think I lust after Joe. He's way too old for me, but I can dream.

…if I kiss Cody but imagine it's Joe, is that cheating?

I wonder what Joe's doing right now. I wonder if he's thinking of me in the same way I'm thinking of him. I wonder if Joe's a virgin. I know Cody isn't. Joe probably isn't either. It's better if he isn't one. He'll know what he's doing.

I need to talk to Selena.

She'll know what to do about my Cody/Joe dilemma.


	13. Conditions

_September 1, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I have a lot to tell you about today. _

_First off, yesterday went AMAZING. I had lots of fun hanging out with my friends. I mostly hung out with Cody for the night. Cody's still been really nice to me. He doesn't go longer than an hour without telling me how hot or sexy I am. I really, really like Cody, mom. Yesterday, he kissed me. On the lips, too. It was nice to kiss him, but I think something's wrong with me because I didn't feel the sparks. Dallas told me that when you kiss someone that really means something to you, you'll feel electricity when you kiss. I didn't feel that with Cody, but maybe it's because I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't expecting him to stick his tongue in my mouth like he did, though. I thought it was going to be an easy kiss, but he went straight for it. I didn't even feel anything there. Maybe something's wrong with me. I wonder if he felt anything when we kissed. _

_I don't know how badly I'm reaching, but I feel a little weird about sex. Yesterday after we got out of the pool for good, we went down in Nick's basement to watch a couple movies. Me and Cody made out a lot in the basement, but it was strange, because Nick and Selena had sex right there. They weren't rude about it. I didn't even realize that's what they were doing until I looked. I think Cody felt like we were supposed to, but I just stuck with the kissing. _

_On the other side, I talked to Nick's brother yesterday too. Joe was really nice to talk to. We basically just talked about stupid things. I think I flirted with Joe a little bit, which sucks because I didn't even try to. What's worse is that I didn't even feel bad for flirting with Joe then going and kissing Cody. _

_I fantasize about Joe, I think. I know that he's too old for me to ever have a chance with him, but I have a slight crush on him. Almost like I have a crush on Mr. Carrison. Joe's nineteen and I'm only sixteen. He probably doesn't even think of me, but I think of him. I only think of Joe sexually. I don't think of him relationship-wise. I try to stop myself from thinking about him in the relationship way. I just don't think there's any use in getting my hopes up. _

_On another note about yesterday, I met Selena's mom. She told me that she knew you. Did you know her? She said that her mom and grandma used to play cards together and when they'd play cards, you used to play with each other. She did say that you were a good few years older than her, though. That's strange if you knew her. It's a small world, isn't it? I didn't tell her that you're not here anymore. I didn't feel like I should've. I still haven't even accepted that._

_So anyway, today, I'm going to the beach with Selena. Cody's not going to be there, which is a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing, because I need a break from him sometimes. It's a bad thing, because I know that I'll eventually miss him. I wonder why he doesn't text me in the mornings or anything. I gave him my number on Wednesday and he hasn't texted me since. Today's Saturday. Maybe I'm overreacting, so I'll just shut up._

_I'll let you know how the beach goes. Take care, I love you._

_Until next time, _

_Love always,_

_Demi._

After I write my letter, I go downstairs to see what my aunt and uncle are up to. Uncle Jason is in the kitchen and Aunt Kathy isn't anywhere to be found. Jorge isn't anywhere to be found either.

"…Where'd everybody go?" I approach my uncle in the kitchen and sit down on a bar stool.

He cracks an egg into a shallow blue bowl and beats it with a fork. "Kathy took the dog to the groomers and she ran to grab a few things from the drugstore. She'll be back. You hungry?"

"What are you making?" I peer over his shoulder, but all I see is a loaf of bread and the beaten egg.

"French toast. You want a couple slices or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take some." I pick at the plastic fruit sitting in a basket on the island. "…Uncle Jason?"

"Yeah?"

"Before you met Aunt Kathy…who was….your first love?" I swing my foot that doesn't touch the ground.

"If I'm being honest with you, punk… your aunt was really my first love. I had other girlfriends, sure. But she was the one." He puts a slice of bread into a frying pan.

"…Did you ever date someone older?" I keep picking with the fake fruit.

"…What's on your mind, Demi?" I know he's serious when he calls me by my name.

"Nothing. I just…"

He flips the bread in the frying pan. "If something's going on, you can tell me. You know I'm here for you."

"There's just this boy. I have a crush on him, but he's older than me."

"How much older?" Uncle Jason puts a plate of four slices of French toast in front of me.

"He's nineteen." I pour some syrup over my French toast and grab my fork.

"That's tough. Um… as your uncle and your father figure, I'm gonna say no to that. He's too old…" He takes a deep breath and sits across from me with his own plate.

"We're not gonna date, Uncle Jay. It's just a crush. But I know he's too old."

"You're a good kid, punk. You really are." He pats me on my wrist. I like the fact that they don't think I'm a bad kid. I try not to be bad. I try to be good.

"Thanks. I try…" I finish eating. "Do you know if Aunt Kathy put my bathing suit in the wash machine?"

"I think she put it in there. Why? You leaving out again today?"

"Yeah. I'm going to the beach with my friend." I get up and put my empty plate in the sink. "Do you know what she went to get from the drugstore?"

"Some toilet paper and something to settle her stomach. She woke up feeling a little queasy today, so I'll be doing the cooking today."

"Is she alright?" I grab a Capri Sun out of the fridge.

"She's probably fine. I had that 24 hour bug last week. I might've given it to her."

"…So you said you'll be doing the cooking today. Should I order a pizza?" I laugh softly.

"….I planned on ordering out today anyway. We can't starve, can we?" He finally finishes eating.

I laugh again. "No, we can't starve. Make sure you get the pizza from Pizza Hut." I take his plate and put it in the sink too. There's a dishwasher, but I want to look helpful, so I hand wash both our dishes in the sink.

"Pizza Hut it is. Do you need a ride to the beach?" He pushes in both barstools.

"Yeah, actually I do. I told Selena I'd meet her there." I finish up the dishes and put them on the drying rack.

"What time you supposed to meet up?" He grabs a can of beer from the fridge and cracks it open.

"Around 1:00." I throw my Capri Sun in the trashcan and grab a cookie from the cookie jar.

"Go get dressed then. I'll take you a little early." He takes one sip of beer and puts it back into the fridge.

"It's only 11…. We have like two hours." I bite my cookie.

"Just go get dressed for the beach, Demi. It takes a while to get there, and I want to do something before we leave."

"Alright then." I shove the rest of the cookie into my mouth and go upstairs to the laundry room. The laundry room is in the room directly across from the bathroom. It always smells like dryer sheets and detergent in here. I open up the dryer and check it. Sure enough, my bathing suit is in there and it's all clean.

I take it back to my bedroom to put it on. I need to get a couple more bathing suits. I'm tired of wearing this one already.

I pull off my pajama pants and my pajama shirt and look at myself in the mirror. I take off my underwear too. I got a tan from yesterday. My butt cheeks are a lot paler than my back, and in the shape of my bathing suit, I have tan lines. I look at my chest too. My boobs are pale too.

This will probably sound weird, but I hate my boobs. They're so… weird looking. I'm comparing them to my sister's boobs, though. To say the least, Dallas has the body of a goddess. It must've skipped my generation.

Back whenever we were home, we used to lay out and go tanning together. When I say her boobs are perfect, I mean they're PERFECT. I remember I asked her how she got them to look like that one day. She laughed and said that it was just genes. She told me that my boobs were fine, but I still think they're weird looking. I have little pink stretch marks on them, which means they're growing. I won't complain about that. I really miss my Dallas. I'll call her a little later.

I put my bathing suit on and a pair of black basketball shorts. I don't think my uncle will have a problem with me walking out in just my suit top, but if he does I'll just put on a tank top. It's no big deal. I grab my cell phone, slide on my flip flops and grab a beach towel. I shut my door as I leave. I really miss Jorge biting at my ankles as I try to leave.

I run down the steps. "I'm ready, Uncle Jay."

He slips on a pair of sandals too and grabs the car keys. "Let's go."

We both walk outside the house and oh my god, it's SO hot out today. It has to be at least 90 degrees. I walk to the big black Escalade that belongs to my uncle.

I walk to the passenger's side of the car and so does my uncle. "What are you doing?" I ask him. We can't both ride in the passenger's side.

"What are YOU doing, punk?" He doesn't even move.

"We can't both sit in the passenger's side, dummy." I say with a laugh.

"Right. One of us has to drive." He holds the car keys out to me.

"….Are you shitting me?" Oops. That just slipped. Whoops.

"Watch your mouth. And no. I'm not "shitting" you. Drive me to the liquor store. I need to grab another case of beer."

I take the car keys from him. "I don't know where the liquor store is…"

"I'll tell you where it's at. Just drive me there. You're sixteen. Time for you to drive." He gets into the passenger's seat.

I get in the driver's seat and adjust the seat so that I can see over the dashboard. I buckle my seatbelt.

"Is this your first time driving?" Uncle Jason turns on the air conditioning in the car.

"My dad taught me a little bit before mom got sick… I know a little bit." I put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway perfectly.

"Alright. I'm just gonna let you go. Drive down this road until you see the first intersection."

I do as I'm told and drive at a reasonable pace down the road. I'm not a bad driver. My dad taught me a little bit before mom got sick. After mom got sick, the driving lessons just stopped.

Maybe I'll get my permit now.

* * *

"Not a bad driver, punk. A little bit of a speed demon, but you did good. I might actually have to talk to Kathy about getting you a permit and a car." Uncle Jason says.

"Let's just focus on the permit first." I mutter. We both get out of the car in the parking lot of the beach.

"Here's a few dollars to buy something here if you want. Call me whenever you're ready for me to come get you. Be safe, punk." He reaches in his pocket and hands me twenty bucks.

I put the money in the pocket of my basketball shorts. "Thanks, Uncle Jay. I'll call you." I put my towel over my shoulder.

"Alright. See you later. Love you, punk." He gets back into the car.

"Love you too." I sigh and put my sunglasses over my eyes. He drives away and I start walking to the entrance of the beach. I reach in my pocket and grab my phone. I dial Selena's number and put the phone to my ear as I walk along the boardwalk. The beach is really nice. The sand is really bright and white. The water is really clear too. It's really pretty.

All along the boardwalk, there are little huts and stores to buy things. Mainly ice cream is being sold though, but some kind of cinnamon almonds are being sold and that's all I care about because they smell like donuts. They smell so good.

Every so often, there's a pole with a speaker attached to it. The speakers play loud music. It's really nice to look at the scenery.

"Hello?" Selena answers the phone.

"Hey… I'm here. Are you here yet?" I ask.

"Yeah. I'm at Rita's on the boardwalk. You know where the Rita's is? Just keep walking until you see it."

"Okay…" I sigh and hang up. It's so damn hot out here.

I walk through a few crowds of people and keep an eye out for the red, green and white flag. They have Rita's back in Texas, so I know what it looks like. About six buildings down, I see the Rita's station. I walk into it to find Selena. I like how it's shaded. I needed some shade.

"Demi!" I hear Selena call me. I turn around to the direction her voice came from and I see her. She's sitting down at a glass table eating some kind of ice cream that's in a green cup.

I walk over to her a little bit fast. "It's too fucking hot." I sigh and sit across from her. I put my sunglasses on top of my head.

"It really is too hot out here." She laughs and pushes the cup of ice cream in front of me. "You can have the rest if you want it. I'm tired of it."

I look into the cup. "What is it?"

"Chocolate frozen custard with KitKat pieces in it. It's good, I'm just sick of it."

I pick up the spoon and eat some. It really is good. "I'm surprised Nick isn't here." I comment.

"He's coming a little later. They have to watch the younger brother so they're bringing him to the beach."

"Who's they?" I eat more of the frozen custard.

"Nick's brothers. Joe, Kevin and Frankie."

"There's more of them? I thought there was only Nick and Joe."

"Oh no. Kevin's the oldest. Joe's second oldest. Then there's Nick and then Frankie."

I finish off the custard and push the cup away from me. "Learn something new every day."

"Yeah, and if everything's normal, Danielle will be with Kevin."

"Who's Danielle?"

"Kevin's girl. You think me and Nick are inseparable? You should see Kevin and Dani." Selena throws away the cup the custard was in and we both stand up to go back outside.

"So everyone's going to be all cuddly with their boos?" I laugh and walk outside back into the scorching sun with Selena.

"Everyone except you. I don't think Joe has a girlfriend, but he might have to work so he probably won't even come." She laughs too.

"I hope he does come."

"Joe?"

"Yeah. I hope he does come. I like talking to him."

"…Do you like him? You're totally blushing right now, Demi."

"…It's just a little crush. He's too old for me."

"Chase the dream. CHASE THE DREAM!" Selena laughs.

I laugh too. "What about Cody?"

"All I have to say about that is if you're gonna be a player, don't get caught."

"I'm gonna stick with Cody. I just have a crush on Joe. It's like the crush we all have on Carrison. We think he's cute, but we know there's no way in hell we'd date him."

"Yeah, but I think Joe's single." Selena looks at me with a sneaky little look.

I punch her softly in her arm. "Just shut up."

"I'm just saying!" We both turn a corner to walk down the steps of the boardwalk and onto the sand of the beach. We walk down the flight of six steps.

"When did you and Nick start… doing it?" I ask as we walk to find the perfect spot to lie our towels down.

"What do you mean when?" It's clear that she doesn't mind my asking.

"Like… how long did y'all date before you started doing it?" I put my big purple and white towel down in the sand and sit down.

She sits down next to me on her plain pink towel. "I think we dated for like… four months before we did it for the first time. Maybe five months. And at first, it was only like… once a month. Now, we'll do it like… three times a week. Three times a day, sometimes."

"THREE TIMES A DAY?" I exclaim.

She laughs at my reaction. "It's not that much, Demi. Like… we'll do it. Take a break. Get bored. Do it again."

"Oh… but like… aren't you afraid of getting pregnant?"

"I'm on birth control pills. And he uses condoms all the time." She plunges her feet deep in the sand.

I grab a handful of sand and dump it back and forth between my hands. "That's really… cool. Like… you guys' relationship is probably stronger because of it."

"It is. It's not like I'm a slut or anything for it. I've been having sex with Nick since my fifteenth birthday. So a little over a year. And I haven't slept with anyone else besides him."

"That's nice." I sigh and keep playing with the sand.

"How old were you when you had sex for the first time?"She picks through the sand too.

I think about lying to her. I should just tell her I had sex with my ex boyfriend. It'd make me seem a lot cooler. "I haven't really…" I'm a little bit embarrassed.

"You're a VIRGIN?!"

"SHHH! SHHH!... keep it down…" I motion with my hand for her to shut up. I don't really need to feel any worse about it.

"I'm sorry. But.. you are? I didn't even… you don't seem like you'd be one." The look on her face says it all. She's SHOCKED.

"Please don't tell anybody. But yeah… I am. I mean, I want to. But I could never find a guy to do it with…" I don't even look her in her face. I'm too ashamed of myself. I really should've lost my virginity a long time ago.

"I can think of a dozen boys in our class alone that'd fuck you." She mutters.

"…But that's different. I want… a boyfriend to do it with. Like you and Nick. I don't just want a one night stand."

"I know what you're saying. I was so scared that me and Nick's was just gonna be a one time thing." She flips her pretty hair. "…So you haven't done ANYTHING with a boy?"

"Not exactly. Like… I've made out with a guy. That's all." I wish we'd stop talking about it. It's not getting any less embarrassing.

"Nothing?" She's very shocked and I don't even know why.

"Nothing." I sigh.

"Never given a hand job?"

"No."

"Been eaten out?"

I shake my head.

"Been fingered?"

I shake my head again.

"Given head?"

"Oh god, No."

"Wow… so you haven't done… anything?"

"I said I haven't. I haven't done anything. I really want to…." I sigh again. I look off into the distance. The waves are coming in pretty hard.

"Do you know anything? About sex?"

"I know a lot about it. I know everything. Just not what it feels like." I throw a small rock.

"So like… you've been wet?"

"How do you mean that?" I'm cringing so bad, but it's nice to have a girlfriend to just talk to about these things.

"You know… like… when you want it. You get all wet down there."

"Yeah. I've been that…yesterday I was." I laugh a little bit at myself.

"…You're gonna get laid before the end of the school ye—YESTERDAY? WHAT?" It took her a while to register what I said.

I laugh harder this time. "Yeah. Yesterday."

"WITH CODY? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"No, not with Cody. And…. I didn't know I was supposed to? Just come up to you and be like "Selena, I'm horny." That'd be weird!" I'm still laughing.

"…You could've told me! If not Cody, then what made you all…?"

"…Talking to Joe." I smirk. "I had a fantasy…"

"…All passionate and romantic and stuff?"

"SO NOT!" I shudder. "He just told me he was gonna get in the shower. And I had the urge to follow him."

"…So you don't wanna fuck Cody, but you wanna fuck Joe?"

I think about that for a brief moment. "Yeah, that's pretty much it. But I want to be in a relationship with Cody. Like… I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend with Cody. But I want the sexual part to be with Joe. Make sense?"

"…You're the sluttiest virgin I know. I think you lied to me. I don't think you are a virgin."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. So yeah, I hope Joe comes. I wanna talk to him."

"Here, I'll call Nick right now." She takes out her phone and dials a number. She puts it on speaker.

"Hullo?" Nick answers. He sounds like he's eating.

"Hey babe. You guys still coming to the beach?"

"Yeah, we're actually here. We're up on the boardwalk getting hot dogs. Frankie was hungry."

"Okay. We'll be up to meet you. Who's all with you?"

I listen to this part. I really hope Joe's with them.

"Danielle, Kevin. Joe's here. Me and Frankie."

Selena looks at me with a smile. I smile back, happy that he's with them.

"Alright babe. Stay at the hotdog place, we're coming up to meet you."

"Wait, who's we?" Nick asks.

"Me and Demi."

"Demi's with you?"

"Yeah. We've been sitting here for like… an hour."

"Hmmm." Nick sounds like he's trying not to laugh.

"Hmm what?" Selena asks.

"Nothing… just come meet us." Nick hangs up fast.

I stand up from the beach towel and take off my basketball shorts. "I wonder what the Hmm was for…" I say.

"Me too. But I'll find out for you." Selena takes off her pants too and we both walk back to the steps to go up on the boardwalk.

"Is your hair just naturally that curly?" I ask. I've been wondering that for a while.

"Yeah. You should see it when it gets wet and dries. It's horrible. Is your butt naturally that big?"

I laugh. "No, I got injections." I joke.

"Oh really? I've been thinking about getting them too." She jokes back.

"They take a few weeks to set in." I chuckle. I'm actually having a lot of fun.

"Shut up, Demi." She flips her hair again.

Watching her flip her hair makes me realize that I'm about to see Joe. I want to look my best. I fix my bathing suit up to give myself more cleavage and pull my hair out of my ponytail.

"Oh my god, Demi. Your hair is so pretty. How do you get it to be so wavy?" Selena stops walking to touch it. She fixes it so that it's hanging at my sides and covering my boobs.

"I just… wash it. And don't do anything to it. It gets wavy, I guess." I shrug.

"I wish I had your hair."

We start walking again, and we finally turn into a red shack that sells the hotdogs. The hotdogs smell so good. But I left my money under me and Selena's towels. Damn it.

We greet Nick first, because he's not standing with all this brothers. He's in only his swimming trunks.

"Hey babe." Selena gives him a hug and a brief kiss. Nick smiles and holds her. The way he looks at her is so incredible. He looks at her like she's the sun in his universe.

"Sup, Demi?" Nick waves.

"Hey." I wave back. I follow them over to a corner where a bunch of people are sitting and eating. One of those people is Joe.

Nick and Selena hold hands the entire time and I tag along behind them.

"Hey Lena." A tall guy says. He has the same curly hair as Nick.

"Hey Kev. Hey Dani. Frankie and Fathead." She smacks Joe in his head. He doesn't retaliate. "This is me and Nick's friend, Demi."

I wave to everyone and smile. Joe doesn't even look at me. That kind of hurts my feelings.

Nick sits down and Selena sits on his lap. There isn't enough room for me to sit down. And Joe still hasn't looked at me. I don't know why it's hurting my feelings, because we don't even date or whatever.

"Dems, you can sit on my lap." Selena offers. She glances over at Joe. "Or you can sit on Joe's lap. Take your pick." She smiles sneakily but I really want to smack her for doing that.

"I'm fine with standing." I sway back and forth.

"Joe, stand up and let her sit down. Be a gentleman. You're done eating." A very pretty girl says. I assume that she's Danielle. She has light brown hair and really tan skin. Her nose is a little bit big, but it suits her. She's gorgeous.

"I don't want to stand up." Joe murmurs. Why is he being so… irritable? He seems angry or something. The two times I talked to him, he never seemed like this.

"I'm fine. Really, I am." I say. I don't want to cause an argument or anything.

"Are you the new girl that Nick's been telling mom about?" Kevin asks me.

I nod and smile. "Yeah. I'm from Texas." I twist my hair around my finger.

"That's cool. Is it a big change?"

"Um… yeah. It's a lot hotter here in Florida. In Texas, it got cooler, but it was just humid. It's hot here." I keep swaying on my feet.

"You get used to the heat. Are you in all of Nick and Selena's classes?"

"Not all of them…." I keep playing with my hair.

Nick and Selena both stand up. "We're going to go to the beach now. Kev, do you and Dani got Frankie?"

"Yeah, we got him. Go have fun. We'll be down in a little while."

I follow Nick and Selena as they start walking back down to the beach. I feel a little weird. I already knew that my crush on Joe was only one way. But today really just proved it.

"So… Nicholas… what was that Hmmm on the phone about?" Selena asks Nick as she looks back at me. She knows that I still want to know.

"Nothing. It's wasn't even that serious." Nick says. He's smiling a little.

I remain quiet and just walk.

"Well, me and Demi want to know what the Hmm was about…"

"I can't tell you that. It slipped out." He shakes his curly, shaggy hair.

"I'll find out eventually. So you should just tell me." Selena badgers him.

"…Okay, okay. But if you tell anyone, I will kill you. Because he'll kill me."

I listen. It sounds like he's gonna tell us.

Nick reluctantly starts speaking. "After y'all left my house last night, I stayed up with Joe and played Madden on the PlayStation. He started asking me a bunch of questions about Demi. I think he thinks she's hot or something. And the Hmmm was because I didn't know that Demi would be here. That's why Joe was so pissed off at the table. Cause he didn't know she was coming."

I smile a little bit. He thinks I'm cute?

"See, Demi! I told you!" Selena squeals and jumps on me, happy.

I smile. "He doesn't like me though."

"Woah, you like him?" Nick asks.

"No… I don't. I just think he's hot."

"Don't get your hopes up or anything. He told me last night that he thought you were pretty cool but you're too young for him."

"…He did?" I sigh. But I already knew this.

"Yeah. He said specifically, 'She's a pretty cool kid. She's cute and all but she's way too young. She's still in high school.'"

We all walk down onto the beach.

"…Nick? I don't get it…" I've been thinking this through, but I'm still lost.

"Don't get what, Demi?" He picks Selena up and puts her on his back.

"….If he thinks I'm cute… then… why was he mad that I was coming to the beach? Does he not want to see me?"

"I don't know why he's pissed. He's Joe. He's moody. Don't let it ruin your day."

"Okay…" I follow them both into the ocean water. There are so many couples here. I'm all single and lonely standing here in the water by myself. Nick and Selena went really far in the water. I don't want to go too far.

I don't get boys. If Joe said that I was cool and stuff, then why was he so angry with my presence? Maybe he really doesn't like me. I don't think it matters to me, though. If he doesn't like me, I can still have a crush on him.

I hear someone whistle really loud in the background. I turn around to see who or what it is. I don't see anyone.

I hear the whistling again.

I turn around again and look. Is someone whistling at me?

Confused, I just turn around and watch Nick and Selena goof off in the water. I hear the whistling again, but I ignore it.

"You're looking damn good in that bathing suit. You wanna show me what you look like out of it?" A man's voice says to me. The voice sounds older, like a middle-aged man.

I turn around slowly. I'm a little bit… disgusted? I found out who was whistling at me and who said that. Some big, broad tattooed guy with grayish hair. He looks like he'd ride a motorcycle.

I give him a polite smile and turn back around. Gross much?

The old guy whistles at me again when I turn around. Can he like… shut up? I'm about three seconds away from just freaking out on him.

Instead of just sitting here, I walk out a little further in the water, closer to Nick and Selena.

I hear water rustling behind me. I glance back really quickly and find that the creepy old guy is following me. I don't want to make him mad or anything by running away too fast, so I keep walking slowly out to where Nick and Selena are.

"Can't run forever, girl. I just want to know your name." He says to me again.

I'm about ten feet away from Nick and Selena now. I'm a little bit scared, to be honest.

"….It's Demi. Now… leave me alone."

"You got a real pretty name. Matches your pretty face. What's a pretty girl like you doing here at the beach alone?"

"I'm n…ot."

"You don't seem too comfortable in that bathing suit. Why don't you just come out of it?"

"I'm alright in—"

"Hey babe. Miss me?" Someone interrupts me. Whoever it is walks behind me and grabs my waist. I'm about to flip OUT.

I suck in a breath to scream. "Get off m—" I turn around to see who it is and then I relax. It's Joe. He's holding me tightly, too. He has his arms gripped around my waist and his chest against my back. He's holding me like I'm the reason he's on the ground.

"Come on, babe. Let's go with Nick and Selena." He winks at me with a hard look on his face.

Okay, I get what he's doing. "Yeah, let's go."

Joe picks me up and lets me wrap my legs around his waist. I look back that the creepy old dude. He's busy looking at Joe and Joe's muscles. I guess he decided to just stop trying.

Joe carries me over to Nick and Selena. "Get off me, Demi." He says through clenched teeth.

"..Sorry." I take my legs from around his waist and get off him.

"Can't you just thank me and shut up?"

I'm confused…"Um… yeah. Sorry… and thanks…"

"Why didn't you just tell him to fuck off? I should've let him rape you." He shakes his head. "Then maybe I would've had a right to fuck him up." He mumbles the last part. His face is so red that it's scary.

"….If you…. If you hate me so much, then why didn't you?" I don't like his attitude. Fuck this.

"Why didn't I what? Let him take you and do whatever he wanted with you?" He's calming down a little bit.

"Yeah! Then maybe you wouldn't regret it so much."

"You really think I hate you?"

"I can see that you do! If you do, at least tell me. Instead of talking to me one day then being a complete dick the next."

"I knew you were young, but I didn't think you were stupid too." He laughs sinisterly. I want to punch him in his mouth.

"I'm not stupid!" I'm really getting angry.

"Then why do you think I hate you? If I hated you, I'd just let the sick fuck have his way with you."

"You're confusing…." I shake my head, annoyed. "Do you want to be nice to me or do you want to treat me like shit? Make up your mind, pizza boy."

"There's a difference between treating someone like shit and being annoyed with them."

"WHY ARE YOU ANNOYED WITH ME? I didn't even do anything to you!"

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm not annoyed with you. I'm annoyed with… something else."

"Whatever. Fuck you." I turn around and walk away. I really meant that. Fuck him. Yeah, he's hot but he's not gonna treat me like this.

"Wait!" He says and runs to me fast.

"WHAT NOW?!"

"Stop hollering, you'll lose your voice." He puts his hands on my shoulders and forcibly turns me around so that my back is facing him.

"Get off me, Joe."

"Shut up, Demi." He unties my bathing suit top around my back.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I scream.

"hush! Would you rather me see your open back or the whole beach see your knockers?" He ties the ties around back really tight. "They were coming undone."

I sigh. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He gives me that dazzling, perfect white smile again.

Fuck. My bathing suit bottoms are wet again, and not because I'm in the ocean. Stop smiling at me like that.

"…So is it okay for me to make the assumption that you care?" I hold my bathing suit top on while he ties the strings around my neck.

"…What makes you say that?"

"You saved me from the old guy. And now you're keeping my bathing suit on."

"I don't like for what's mine to be messed with." He mutters.

I didn't really hear him. "What?"

"Nothing. Yes. I care." He finishes tying the strings. "Do me a favor."

"What do you want?"

"I don't care how much I'm getting on your nerves. Don't go anywhere without me."

"Are you my bodyguard?"

"Precisely."

"Okay. On one condition."

He rolls his eyes. "You're difficult." He sighs. "What is it?"

"You have to be nice to me."

"…Deal. Just don't get out of this water without me."

"You're not being nice."

He sighs. "Demi. Don't get your skinny little ass out of this water without my knowledge, PLEASE?"

I glare at him. "Fine."

I won't get out of the water without him knowing.

I'm scaring myself, because I'm not just thinking of him in the sexual way. I'm thinking of him in the relationship way.

I should probably stop myself from thinking about him like this.

But I don't want to.

I like it.


	14. News, News, News

_September 2, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I'm a little confused as to what's going on lately. I think everything is going good, but I don't you. You tell me._

_So yesterday at the beach, I met up with Nick's brother again. It was different this time. He was a lot less nice to me a_t _first. I mean, he was really rude. He didn't even look at me at first. He acted like I wasn't even there or that he was oblivious. _

_A few moments after he ignored me, I went down to the beach to just be with Nick and Selena. While I was in the water, some old guy started hitting on me. He whistled at me, followed me through the water and asked me if he could see me naked. I was really creeped out, mom. I really thought he was going to hurt me. _

_But then, out of nowhere, Joe came out. And he wrapped his arms around me. And he held me tight. And he acted like we were boyfriend and girlfriend long enough to get the old guy away from me. Joe's very, very muscular, I might add. And the old guy backed off right away. When Joe was holding me, I felt safe. I felt like nobody in this world could touch me. And I felt like if the worst serial killer in history was in front of me, trying to kill me, I would be okay because I was in Joe's arms. _

_But after we got away from the old guy, Joe got sour with me. He kind of yelled at me and told me that he should've let the old guy have his way with me. Then I yelled at him and we got on okay terms. When I finally got annoyed with him and tried to walk away, he pulled me back and tied my bathing suit up really tight. Then he made me agree not to get out of the water without him._

_The point of me telling you all this is simple. I think I'm falling for Joe. I'm not sure yet, though. And I know that I still have some feelings for Cody. I don't want to fall for Joe, mom. Joe's way too old and I'm way too young for him. He's in college at Keiser University. It's a community college right down the street from my high school. He works two jobs at the mall and he's nineteen. Uncle Jason already admitted to me that he wouldn't approve of it. _

_But if this is all true and I do have feelings for Joe, how do I tell Cody? Do I just tell him that I don't want to be with him? Would it make me wrong, because I already kissed him? I just don't know what to do. I could tell Cody goodbye because of my feelings for Joe, but I think it'd be pointless because there's no possible way that I could pursue a relationship with Joe._

_Then again, maybe I'm jumping the gun a little bit. I'm just assuming that Joe likes me. He might actually hate me. If he does hate me, it doesn't make much sense to me. I kind of know in my heart that he doesn't like me, but it doesn't make sense as to why he would do all those things to protect me at the beach yesterday. _

_I don't know much about this situation, but I do know that I want to know more about Joe. I want to keep talking to him. But I don't want to hurt Cody._

_I'm just very, very confused right now._

_I don't have anything planned for today, plus it's Sunday, so I think I'll just relax. Aunt Kathy's been feeling under the weather lately, so I'm going to help Uncle Jason out with dinner tonight. Aunt Kathy is just having stomach problems, so Uncle Jason says it's the stomach flu. Whatever it is, I hope she keeps it to herself. I don't want to be sick._

_I don't really have anything else to say, besides I'm confused. And that's all for today, mom._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

Since Aunt Kathy is sick, me and Uncle Jason have been hanging out a little more. Today is an exception, because he has to work. So at the moment, it's just me and my sick aunt in the house. It's no problem for me, because I don't really care to be bothered. It's Sunday and it's a relax day.

Aunt Kathy lies in her bed and I stay barricaded in my room. I'm glad I don't have to do anything today, because honestly, I want my mind to rest. I'm a little worried about Aunt Kathy, but I try not to think about what could go wrong. After all, mommy just started out as really sick one day.

To help clear my thoughts, I grab the remote to my TV and check the channel listings. I haven't watched TV in a really long time. There isn't much on to watch, so I turn on an episode of Maury. It feels good to just lie here. It's 1:30 in the afternoon and I still haven't been out of bed yet.

This episode of Maury is about teenagers who are whores. One girl has a baby already and she's only fourteen. I could never imagine.

I remember Dallas being pregnant once.

I'm not supposed to say anything, because aside from the baby's father, I'm the ONLY one that knows. But I still think about it from time to time. She was seventeen at the time.

I came home from school one day and she was crying really bad. Like…the kind of crying I've never seen Dallas do. She was in her room, hugging her pillow and crying. I felt really bad, so I came in the room to give her some tissues. I didn't know what else to offer her besides tissues. She took them from me and told me "thank you." I said "you're welcome" and sat down on her bed. She didn't talk much, she just kept crying. So finally, I said "What's wrong, Dal?" and she just kept crying. But after a little while, she stopped crying and she told me that she was pregnant. And I asked her if she knew for sure. And she said that she went to the doctor and the doctor told her she was. And she even had a little picture of it. I thought it was kind of cute. She didn't know if it was a boy or girl though. It was too early for that. The picture didn't even look like a baby, but it was.

So I hugged her and let her cry on my shoulder. And she told me that she didn't know what to do. And I told her that she should tell mom and dad so that she could see a real doctor and get good care for the baby. And she agreed with me. But she said that she would only tell mom and dad after she told the baby's dad. So later that week, she told the dad of the baby and he got real pissed off and angry with her. And he told her to abort it.

But Dallas said no. She didn't want to abort the baby. And then the dad was really mad at her and he stopped talking to her. Except for one night when Dallas went over to the guy's house. When she came back, she was all sad and crying again because he told her "I don't want you or the baby." And so for the rest of that week, Dallas cried and cried and cried. I kept telling her to keep the baby and she was really going to.

So one day, I woke up around three in the morning to go pee. But when I went in the bathroom, Dallas was all sick and stuff. Not throwing up, though. She was like… dizzy and nauseous. So I helped her on the toilet. And when she pulled down her underwear, she got her period. I know that it wasn't her period, but that's just what she told my mom and dad it was. She knew it wasn't her period either. That night, Dallas didn't go to sleep.

Real early the next morning, I skipped school to go to the doctor's with her. We had to lie to mom and dad and say that we were going to get breakfast. But we went to the doctor's and the doctor told us that she wasn't pregnant anymore. The doctor said that sometimes, when women go through a lot of stress that can make them miscarry a baby. I have never, ever, to this day, saw Dallas cry as hard as she did in that doctor's office.

We don't talk about that anymore, though. Dallas doesn't like to talk about it. She doesn't even like to think about it. But I know that she misses the baby she never got to know, because for her eighteenth birthday, she got a tattoo of a little angel on her ankle. I'm the only one that knows the significance of that angel. And every year for the day she miscarried the baby, she gets another tiny little star added onto the angel tattoo. She's up to three stars around the angel now. I told her "one day, your whole leg will be covered with stars" and she said "that's okay."

I'm a little emotional now, remembering that story, so I pick up my phone and call her. Meanwhile, I turn off the episode of Maury. It's gotten a little too much for me to handle.

"Hey baby. I was just getting ready to call you." She answers my phone call excitedly. I really, really miss Dallas. She always calls me and Maddie "her babies."

"Hi…"

"What's cooking, good looking? Haven't talked to you in a couple days. What's new?"

"Nothing really. Just been doing some thinking and stuff…"

"Thinking about what, babes?"

"Stuff. There are some things that are new, but I wanted to talk to you about something…"

"Shoot. I'm free for a few minutes." Dallas has a way of making me feel comfortable with whatever I need to talk to her about. I talk to her about literally everything.

"Well… I know we're not supposed to speak of it… but you know how… you…. Had… a baby?"

I hear her take a breath into the phone. She doesn't say anything.

"I'm sorry. But I've been thinking about that…"

She sighs. "And what about it?" Her cheerful tone has certainly deflated.

"…You think that maybe mommy… is up in heaven taking care of it? I know she didn't know about it, but surely she does now, right? And she's taking care of the baby… right?"

She sighs again. "…That's a good way to think about it, Dems… It sure makes me feel better to think about it like that."

"…I was just thinking."

"You think too much. But that's a good thought." She clears her throat and changes the entire tone of her voice. "So what's new?" I can tell that it's not genuine, but she's trying.

"Just boy stuff. I found a new guy." I flop down on my stomach to get comfortable. I have to be comfortable when talking about these things.

"Oooh! What's his name?!"

"THEIR names…"

"DEMI! MORE THAN ONE?!"

"Technically… look. One's name is Cody. He's in all my classes and Dal, he's SO CUTE. He's all light-skinned and he has green eyes. He's HOT." I'm blushing while talking about Cody.

"Okay, okay. So Cody. And?"

"The other one's name is Joe. He's hot too, Dal. But he's SO sweet. Like… he cares about me. I think."

"Okay, so it sounds like maybe you should go for Joe?"

"…He's nineteen." I mutter.

"….THAT'S RAPE! IN ALL FIFTY STATES, THAT'S RAPE!"

"Dallas, I know. I KNOW. But I can't help it. He's so fucking sexy, Dal. Like… he has muscles and dark hair and dark eyes and HE'S JUST SO CUTE. And he's so sweet. Like… Dal, he pretended to be my boyfriend just so some weird guy wouldn't hit on me."

"…..Dems, he's too old, honey."

"I know… but Dal…I'm not even thinking about his age. Age doesn't matter to me… it really doesn't."

"Look. You're my baby sister. If you're happy, so am I. He's older, so just… don't let him like… pressure you into anything."

"Dallas, he doesn't even look at me that way. And besides… I don't even think he likes me."

"Then why—"

I interrupt her. "Because I really like him. Like… I just wanna be around him."

"And Cody?"

"I don't really even care about him whenever Joe's around. But when Joe isn't around, it's all about Cody. What do I do?"

"….I say go for Cody. He's your age and he's probably your best option. But if you really like Joe… don't lead Cody on."

"Yeah… but like… I have a chance with Cody. I don't have a chance with Joe. Joe's too old and he thinks I'm too young."

"I think you should get to know them both better."

"I agree with you, Dal. I do…"

She sighs again. "Look, babes. I gotta go. I have class in fifteen minutes…"

"Okay… I love you."

"I love you too. I'll call you tomorrow after you get out of school. We can talk more about your boy problems. I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"…Hang in there, kid. I love you. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Bye Dal."

She hangs up on me and I feel wholesome. I love talking to Dallas so much. I know I say that every time, but every time I talk to her, I realize that I miss her that much more. I click off my phone and put it back on the charger. But I notice that I have a missed call. I have a missed call from Selena.

I sigh and redial her number to call her back.

"DEMI!" She screams when she answers. I want to slap her for screaming in my ear.

"What, Selena!?"

"I have news!"

"Um… okay. I'll listen. What's the news?" I sit up off my stomach on my bed.

"Guess who I was talking to earlier!"

"Who?" I reach over on my dresser and grab the bag of Doritos I ate for a snack last night.

"Well, I'm over Nick's right now. And I was talking to Joe. And we were Juuuuust talking about you."

I feel my heart jump up into my throat. Really? But on another side, I don't know why, but it pisses me off that she's over Nick's and didn't ask me to come. I would've LOVED to see Joe today. "Why were y'all talking about me?" I'm blushing so hard right now.

"Well… I brought you up. And I asked him why he wanted you to stay with him yesterday. And he just said that it was because men were staring at you and he felt bad."

"And?" I eat a handful of chips and chew.

"And then Nick asked him if he liked you. And he said hell no."

"…Aw, poop." I poke my lip out.

"But then Nick tested the theory. And he just started talking about Cody. And Nick was talking to me. And he was like "Cody said that he can't wait to fuck Demi." and Joe got REAL mad."

"PAUSE. Did Cody really say that?" I say with my mouthful of chips.

"No. He didn't. Nick just said he did. But anyway, Joe got all pissed and he left the room and Nick said he only acts that way whenever he really likes a girl."

"…Is that it?" I don't want to sound ungrateful, but that's not the news I was hoping for. I wish she told me something more exciting. Like Joe wants to go out or something. THAT would've been news.

"Yeah. But I'm gonna do some investigating further. Nick said he thinks that Joe will ask you out really soon."

"….I hope that's true."

I really do hope that's true.

Wouldn't that be something?

I don't know though. But…

Something's telling me that Cody really did say that.

It's just a feeling, though.


	15. Life Changing News

"Can anyone tell me what important date is coming up this month?" Mrs. Smith asks us. Mrs. Smith is the history and geography teacher. She's a short old woman with fluffy white hair. She isn't mean, but she doesn't play any games in class. She always dresses nicely, which is good for an elder woman.

Nobody in the class raises their hand. I guess nobody knows. Even I don't know.

"I'll give you a hint. It's coming up next week." Mrs. Smith tries again. She still doesn't get any responses.

After a little bit of irritation, she claps her hands together and talks louder, for those in the back who are falling asleep. "Come on, people!"

I still don't know what date is coming up. Is Labor Day in September? What's so important about Labor Day?

"It's the seven year anniversary of 9/11, people!" She talks so loud it's irritating.

But okay. I know that now. It's September 11 already?

"Miss… Lovato. Tell me what you remember about 9/11? The day it happened?" Mrs. Smith walks to her podium and stares at me.

I feel the twenty-something pairs of eyes staring at me. I want to slap the teacher. She did this on purpose. Sitting in the seat beside me is Cody, and he looks over at me too.

"…Um… I was nine when it happened. And we got sent home from school early back in Texas." I say. Cody smiles at me which makes me blush. Why is he so cute?

"Good. Good. And do you remember any newscasts you watched that day?"

"No, not really." If I think hard enough, I probably could remember something that I saw on the news. But I'm just not into really thinking, so I just lie.

"Just like Demetria, we can all probably remember a little something about the day the terrorists attacked us. In this first unit, class… we will be discussing the entire terrorist attack from detail to detail. Now, to help us ease into the unit, all we will be doing in class today is watching old news clips of the day the attack happened. Take a couple brief notes, please. Turn your notes in at the end of the class." Mrs. Smith turns around and turns on the big promethean board.

I cringe at the fact that Mrs. Smith called me "Demetria." I told her on the second day of school to call me "Demi." I guess she doesn't listen, and I guess we're going to have some problems.

Anyway, I grab my notebook out of my bag and I grab a pencil too. I'm not a good note-taker, so I'll probably only take about a half page of notes.

Beside me, Cody slides a piece of paper across the desks. I look at the paper. It's a note.

"What are you doing after school today?" He scribbled down on the paper. I guess I'm supposed to write back.

"I don't know. Probably nothing." I write back and slide the paper to him.

Mrs. Smith starts the news clips and turns the lights off. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the new darkness.

"Can I ask you a question?" He wrote.

"Sure." I write.

The phone rings on the wall and Mrs. Smith gets up to answer it.

"Can we make it official?" Cody slips the note back to me.

"Make what official?"

"Us…"

My hand clenches tightly around my pencil. I don't know what to say to that.

Scratch that, I do know what to say. I just don't know HOW to say it. Like… how do I say not yet without sounding mean?

"Cody… you're wanted up in the guidance office." Mrs. Smith says as she hangs up the phone.

I take a breath. I'm so glad that he got called out of class. I can buy myself some time before I have to answer the question.

Cody leans down to my ear. "We'll talk about it later." He whispers. He brushes his lips softly against my cheek and disappears out the door.

I've noticed that Cody's always gone from at least one class a week. Last week, he was called out of art to the guidance office. This week, he's out of geography. I do wonder why, but it's not my place to ask just yet. After all, it could be nothing and I could be overreacting. It could just be a coincidence.

When Cody leaves, I feel like I can relax. I pick up my pencil and start scribbling down notes, but halfway through, I stop writing down the notes. I just can't concentrate while I'm thinking about what Cody just asked me.

I look up from my notebook and glance over at Nick and Selena. Selena is lying on Nick's shoulder, and Nick is caressing her arm. I want that so badly. I don't know why, but I don't feel like I'll have that with Cody. I don't think that he'd let me lie down on his shoulder while he rubs my arm.

I sigh and nonchalantly start doodling on the inside cover of my notebook.

It's not until I'm on the "E" that I realize I just doodled Joe's name.

I really, really need to get my head on straight about this.

* * *

"Sorry I don't have dinner done already, punk. I just got back from the doctor's office with your Aunt. You want chicken wings tonight?" My Uncle Jason says as soon as we walk through the door.

"It's okay. I'm not that hungry. I had a big lunch." I dump my bags on the floor in the living room and flop down on the couch. I don't know why, but I haven't felt… right since Cody's question.

"Are you sure you're not hungry? Because I'll make the chicken right now if you are. The doctor's just took a little longer than expected." He goes straight to the kitchen and takes the bag of chicken out of the refrigerator.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm not hungry." I grab the remote and turn on the TV. "…So how did the doctor's go?" I've been avoiding the fact that my aunt has been sick for nearly a week and a half now. I just don't want to think of everything that could be wrong. My mom started out just feeling sick…

"It went…okay. We have something to tell you, actually. It's pretty big news." He comes into the living room and sits right next to me. He hands me a can of Dr. Pepper and cracks open his can of beer.

"Really? Is it bad? Is it going to change a life?" I feel tears sting my eyes.

"It's pretty big. That's all. And yes, it's going to change a couple lives, punk. But if we stick together through it, everything should be okay."

"…She's sick, isn't she?" I sniff, and I realize that some tears have already free fallen from my eyes.

"What, Demi?" Uncle Jason seems confused.

"Cancer runs in the family…. She has it, doesn't she?" I sniff again.

Uncle Jason leans over and sweeps my tears away. "Demi, no. She isn't sick. She isn't…It's not cancer, kiddo. Your Aunt Kathy is healthy."

I sniff again and wipe my own eyes. "Then what is it?"

He pulls me in and gives me a slight hug.

It's not bad news.

It's actually happy news.

* * *

_September 2, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today has just been a big disaster. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it really has been. I'm actually sobbing while writing this. _

_I'm just not happy right now, mommy. I feel so confused. _

_Cody asked me out today. like… really out. He asked to make it official. I don't want to make it official, but then again, I kind of do. I do, because I really like him. But I don't, because Joe's always on my mind. I just don't feel right, mom. I feel so horrible. And I just can't stop feeling horrible. _

_I don't think it's normal. I don't think I'M normal. It's weird how I can be so happy but so upset and depressed at the same time. I'm not miserable here in Florida, but I'm always sad. I think it's because of the underlying pain I still have from losing you. I don't want to seem like a burden, so I don't tell Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jason how I feel. I feel bad though, mommy. Like there's something seriously wrong with me. I feel hopeless._

_I don't want to hurt Cody, but what do I do whenever I can't commit myself to him? I didn't want to admit this either, but Cody isn't really… my type. I mean, I like him and all, but he's not what I want. I want a real relationship, and he really doesn't seem capable of providing that._

_On the plus side of today, Aunt Kathy told me some life changing news._

_At first, I thought she was going to die. She's been really sick for a while, so that worried me. Because your cancer just started out as a sickness too. But She's not gonna die. And she doesn't have cancer._

_Instead, she's going to have a baby._

_I'm really excited for her and Uncle Jason, mommy. _

_I feel good, because I'm the only person that knows this besides them. They didn't even tell grandma yet. The doctor said that she's almost two months along, which is weird. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason say that they've known for two weeks, they just didn't want to tell me yet, in case something went wrong._

_It's nice how they're finally having a baby after all these years._

_I'm tired, mom._

_I'm going to sleep._

_I really hope tomorrow is better, because if it's worse, I think I'm going to slip again._

_And I know I promised you that day in the hospital that I wouldn't slip, but I don't think I can handle it anymore._

_And I really want to keep my promise to you, mom._

_Until next time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._


	16. Confessions

Today's school day is really dragged on. I honestly just wanted to go home and fall asleep. It's strange how all I wanted to do was sleep all day, but when I actually get home, I don't sleep right away.

On the plus side, Cody wasn't in school today, so I didn't have to face the music of seeing him. I know he's still probably waiting on my answer, and honestly, I don't know my answer just yet. I don't think I want to make it official, but I'm seriously just not sure.

"Hey, girlie. What sounds better for dinner tonight? Spaghetti or Chicken Alfredo?" Aunt Kathy asks me. After her recent sickness, she's bounced back to her normal self. I haven't noticed any weight gain, but maybe it's too early to notice that she's pregnant.

"I don't care what you make tonight." I kind of snap at her. I'm not being nice today. I've been in a pretty grumpy mood with everyone today, and I think it stems from the fact that I don't know how to answer the question Cody asked me yesterday.

"What's the matter with you?" Aunt Kathy asks. She takes a frozen pack of chicken from the freezer and puts it in the sink to defrost.

"I don't know..." I sigh. I really didn't want to be so snappy with Aunt Kathy. She isn't the one that's frustrated me.

"If you're having an issue, Demi. You should talk to me about it. It wasn't that long ago that I was your age." She starts the water in the sink.

I take the nearest seat on the barstool at the island. "I'm just not in a good mood today." It's more complicated than just being in a bad mood, but I really just don't feel like explaining. "I'm gonna...go take a nap. Wake me up when dinner's finished." I mutter and hop down off the stool. I stomp up the steps accidentally.

When I'm in a shitty mood, I don't realize when I'm being a bitch. I do realize that I slam my bedroom door behind me, but I don't care. I just want to be left alone.

I know that a little later, after I eat,  
I'm not going to feel like writing to my mommy. So I'm just gonna do that now, so I don't have to worry about it later. It sounds crazy, but I always feel super bad if I skip a day of writing to my mom.

I sit down at my desk, grab a purple mechanical pencil and a sheet of lined paper. I take a deep breath and start to write.

_September 2, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today was SHITTY. It was better than yesterday, but not by much. I really, really feel like I'm going to slip. I don't want to slip, but I feel like I'm going to._

_I still haven't quite figured out how to answer Cody's question. Part of me says "yes ." but the other part of me says "no." I'm not sure which part is my brain and which part is my heart, so I'm going to put it off a little more. I ignored his text message today, but I don't know how long I can keep that up._

_Selena noticed that I've been crabby today too, so she basically stopped talking to me for a while. I don't blame her._

_I came home and had a piss-poor attitude with Aunt Kathy, too. I feel bad, but sometimes I just can't control my emotions._

_I'm afraid to tell Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason how I feel sometimes, because I don't want to go back into the hospital._

_Did you ever tell them about that time I stayed in the hospital? I don't think they know, and I'd like to keep it that way. Aunt Kathy is having a baby, and the least thing that she needs to worry about is me and my moods._

_Sometimes I look at the scars on my wrist and they taunt me. It's almost like they know about the promise I made you, and they tease me because they know that I really want to cut but I won't because of you._

_Usually, the thought of going back into the hospital is enough to scare me out of cutting, but these days, I don't even rule it out anymore. The shots they used to give me in the hospital were the worst part, but I don't even care about that anymore._

_It was so easy to promise you that I wouldn't do it anymore. I knew that you needed to hear that before you left. But you never gave me an alternative. Now what am I supposed to do? I just can't deal, mom._

_I'm starting to think that medicine isn't that bad. I remember how you and daddy hated the thought of the doctors putting me on medicine, but I'm beginning to believe that it wouldn't have been that terrible. Medicine probably would've made me feel a hell of a lot better than what i do right now._

_I'm going to go take a nap now, mom. I need to sleep this bad mood off. I promise I'll keep you updated on how I'm dealing. I'm determined to keep my promise to you, so I really will try not to cut._

_But if I do slip, will you please try to understand?_

I love you.

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I fold my letter up and stuff it into my metal lock box where I put all of my written letters.

I sweep the tears off my face and get up from my desk. I don't even bother taking off my jeans, my long sleeved plaid top or my tenner shoes. I just flop on my bed and bury my face into my pillow.

Sometimes, it feels better to just cry. And that's what I'm doing. I just let it all out into my pillow and hope that nobody can hear me for as loud as I'm sobbing.

I want to cut so bad. Maybe...just maybe one little slip wouldn't be so bad. Just a little slip...

I pick my wet face up from my pillow and pull the hair that's sticking to the tears off. I look over at my underwear drawer and just stare. The temptation is unbearable. I just need one. Just one little cut. One little slice. One drop of blood that will make me feel...high.

I sniff and swing my legs over the side of my enormous bed.

Just as I start to hop down off my bed to grab the razor blade from my underwear drawer, my phone starts vibrating loud and obnoxiously on my dresser.

I sniff again and grab it. It's Selena.

I collect my thoughts quickly and pull myself together. I slide my finger across the screen and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I whisper into the phone. My attempt at sounding like I wasn't crying is failing miserably.

"Hey... What's up?" Her voice is soft and calm in my ears, almost as if she knows what I was just considering.

"Nothing. Trying to take a nap..." I don't even bother to disguise the tears in my voice.

"Oh. I'm sorry that I called then. You just seemed to have been having a..rotten day. I was wondering if you're okay..."

"I'll be alright...I guess." I sigh.

"...If you're feeling...okay. Do you want to...come get dessert? With me and Nick?"

"Um..." It wouldn't be so bad to get out of the house for a little while. "Sure. I'd like to come. I have to ask though... Hold on." I scare myself again at how quickly I feel okay again.

"Okay, I'll wait."

I hop down off my bed and walk downstairs. The food that my aunt is making smells incredible. I'm so hungry. I hold the phone in my hand, careful that I don't accidentally hang up.

"Aunt Kathy?" I stand in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Yeah girlie?" She's cutting chicken into small cubes.

"...Can I leave out for a little bit? With my friends?" I rock back and forth on my feet. I'm in such a good mood all of a sudden that I can't even believe that I just considered cutting. This isn't normal.

"Where are you gonna go?" Aunt Kathy keeps cutting up chicken.

"Out to get dessert."

"...I don't mind, honey. Be home before 9:30. It's a school night and you still have to eat dinner and do your homework."

"I will be." I turn to leave the kitchen and put the phone back to my ear. "Selena?"

"I'm still here." She says.

"Okay. I'm allowed to go. Where are we going?" I walk back upstairs to my room.

"Nick said something about The Cheesecake Factory, so I think we'll go there."

"How much money should I bring?" I immediately go straight to my closet to find something more comfortable to wear.

"You should probably bring like...$20. The Cheesecake Factory is a little expensive."

"Okay."

"Okie Dokie. We'll be over to pick you up at like...5:00. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Okay. See you, Demi."

"See you."

I hang up my phone and plug it back into the charger. I glance at the clock. It's 4:34.

I really have to pee, so I make my way to my bathroom. I pull my pants down and sit on the toilet and release my bladder. While I'm on the toilet, I turn my left hand palm-up and check on my wrist.

There are about a dozen pink little scars searing all across my wrist. Some big, some short, some long, some deeper than others, one vertical and the rest horizontal.

I stop staring at my wrist and wipe myself. I look down and the toilet paper is brilliant red. ...Fucking great.

I sigh hard. I guess the stress is finally over. It was nice going three months without having a period. I reach down in my cabinet under the sink and grab a skinny purple tampon. I stick it inside myself and get up. I check my underwear, and they're still clean.

If I had more time, I'd totally get in the shower right now.

I stand up from the toilet and scrub my hands clean. I pull up my pants, button my jeans and head out of the bathroom.

I don't feel like looking nice anymore, and it's just Nick and Selena, so I take off my plaid shirt and throw on my dark orange Texas Longhorns hoodie. I leave my curly dark brown hair down and head downstairs to wait for Selena and Nick.

"Aunt Kathy..." I walk to the kitchen again. She's stirring a pot of sauce now.

"What, Demi?" She turns around and faces me.

"...I got my period today. So you don't have to...call the doctor back." I grab my purse off the counter where I left it when I got home from school.

"You got it? Are you having cramps? How heavy are you?"

"No cramps. And it's not that heavy either." I shrug.

"Okay. Guess the doctor was right about stress taking it away for a while." She resumes stirring the sauce.

Outside, I hear a loud beep.

"I'm leaving now, Aunt Kath."

"Alright, honey. Have some fun. Grab my purple card off the stand in the hallway. Slide the card as debit, not credit."

"Okay." I grab her card off the stand and head outside.

The car this time is different from Selena's mom's red convertible. This car is dark blue and it's a truck. It's a Ford Escape, I think.

Slowly, I walk down the steps and down the path to where the car is on the street. I'm walking so slowly, because I'm not entirely sure if who I see in the driver's seat is actually who I think it is.

I grab the car handle to the back seat and hop on in, next to Selena.

It is who I thought it was, and my stomach ties in tight knots. I think I might puke.

Selena is sitting next to me in the back seat, Nick is in the passenger's seat, and in the driver's seat is Joe. I haven't seen him since that day at the beach, last Saturday.

I catch myself staring at him intently. His facial features are so perfect. Oh my god...

"Hey Demi." Nick leans back and waves at me. Joe starts driving the car.

"Hey..." I say back to Nick, never breaking my concentration on Joe.

"How you feeling?" Selena whispers to me, leaning over and hugging me tight. I hug her back.

"I feel better." I smile.

"Good." She whispers again and lets me go.

I catch Joe looking at me through the rear view mirror. I look down at the floor of the car and blush.

"Demi, you ever been to The Cheesecake Factory?" Nick asks.

"Mhm. Just once though." I nod. I'm blushing so hard that my face is hot.

Why hasn't Joe said hi to me? I suppose I could say hi first, but I refuse to be the one to break the obvious tension between us.

After about a five minute's drive, we're parked in the parking lot of the restaurant.

Both me and Selena are the first ones out of the car.

"I made Nick bring him." She says to me with a devious smile.

"Thank you." I say with a laugh. I'm really glad that she made him bring Joe. It sounds crazy, but I missed him. I missed him a whole lot.

The boys get out of the truck too and we walk inside. Selena walks beside Nick and I walk beside Selena. Joe walks on the other side of Nick. I think Joe's being mean to me again. I don't mind him being mean. I'm just glad I get to see him.

Nick holds the door for Selena and she walks inside. I follow her inside too, but Joe doesn't hold the door for me.

I don't know if I should talk to him. I don't think he wants to talk to me.

"How big is your party?" A little blonde hostess asks us when we walk into the restaurant.

"Four." Nick answers.

The hostess marks something on a chart and grabs four menus. "Follow me, please."

She walks back through this walkway and we follow her.

She sits us at this booth way in the back, away from all the elderly people that are eating.

"The waitress will be right with you." Blondie says as she puts the menus on the table and walks back up the way we came.

Nick sits down and Selena sits in the seat beside him, forcing me to sit with Joe. I slide in the booth and Joe slides in next to me.

I don't know if I'm starting to get cramps, but my stomach is kind of hurting.

"So are you feeling better than you were in school today?" Nick asks me. He seems like he actually cares.

"Yeah, I do." I say. I nonchalantly flip though the menu. I can tell that Joe is trying hard not to look at me. Am I that ugly?

"Hi guys. I'm Polly and I'll be serving you today. What can I get you to drink?" An older lady with short red hair approaches us.

"I'll take a diet Pepsi." Selena says.

"And I'll have an iced tea." Nick says. Selena gives him a hard look,  
as if it's an inside joke between them.

"Unsweetened, please." Nick sighs.

"Um... I want a Pepsi..." I say.

"I'll have a Pepsi too." Joe says.

"Alright, I'll be back with your drinks." Polly leaves us.

Nick turns to Selena. "I could've had a plain iced tea. It wouldn't have hurt anything."

"I'm not taking any chances." Selena says. She kisses Nick on his cheek.

I wonder why it's such a big deal for him to have unsweetened iced tea, but it's not really my business, so I don't ask.

Polly comes back with our drinks and pulls her notepad out again. "Are you ready to order?"

"Yes. I'll take a slice of the chocolate cheesecake." Selena closes her menu.

"I want the strawberry cheesecake." Nick closes his menu too.

"I'll have the blueberry cheesecake, please." I say politely as I shut my menu too.

"I'll take a slice of the peanut butter cheesecake." Joe hands all of our menus to Polly.

"Alright. I'll go out these orders right in." Polly disappears again.

Selena leans over and gives Nick a kiss, which makes it awkward for me and Joe.

I look down and pick at my little black fingernails.

Joe takes a sip of his drink and plays with his phone.

I just keep picking at my fingernails.

Nick and Selena are kissing and they won't stop.

"...So I heard you have a boyfriend..." Joe finally speaks to me after he clears his throat. His tone is not at all skeptical. Instead, it's accusing.

"...I don't. Who...told you that?" I stop picking with my fingers and look up. I shift my attention to him.

"You don't have to lie, Demi. I heard you date that kid that was over our house that one day. I think his name is Robbie." He locks his phone and turns his attention to me too.

"Cody. And I'm not lying. I don't date him..."

"I didn't think he was your type. I never thought you'd date him. He seems... Nasty." He sounds really jealous, though I can't fathom why he would be.

"Why do you care?"

"I don't. I'm just saying. If you're gonna date a nasty ass like him, you should've dated the old guy at the beach."

"I don't date him. He asked me out and I said nothing. How many times do I have to say it? I'm not dating anyone." I roll my eyes. I can't stand to be called a liar when I'm not lying.

"He asked you out and you said no?"

"I didn't say anything."

Joe snickers. "Wow. Playing hard to get?"

"...wouldn't you like to know." I roll my eyes again. He's so fucking frustrating.

"You're conceited. You're not as pretty as you think. And you have a shitty attitude."

"Let's just not. You don't know shit about me. I'm the furthest thing from conceited." I look down and pick with my nails again. "I don't even think I'm that pretty." I mumble.

"All girls are conceited. All girls are bitchy. You're probably one of the bitchiest I've met, though." He turns to me again.

It's weird how talking to Joe, it seems like we're alone. Like nobody else is around.

"...why do you hate me so much? Seriously. You're so fucking mean to me."

"Watch your mouth."

"Who are you? My father?"

He doesn't say anything to that. "...why do you keep insisting that I hate you?"

"I don't insist. I know." I roll my eyes at him again.

"...do you want me to tell you the truth?"

"If it's better than you acting like you absolutely loathe me, sure."

"I don't hate you, Demi. I'm just annoyed by you." He uses his straw to stir his drink.

"Why do I annoy you?" I sip my drink.

"...YOU don't annoy me. I don't know how to explain it. It's just...some things about you annoy me."

"Like what?"

"Nothing."

"Now you're the one lying."

"I can't tell you what annoys me about you. It's mainly one thing that annoys me about you. And then a couple things spiral from that one thing, but that one thing is the root of everything." He reaches over and puts a strand of my hair behind my ear. His tone is so hard with me, but the way he touches me is soft and delicate. Like I'm porcelain and he doesn't want me to break.

"...why can't you tell me what it is? If I know what it is, I could change it." I urge. I completely turn myself to face him.

Joe's laughter booms loudly, but he quickly controls it.

"What's so funny?" I ask.

Just then, Polly comes back with for slices of cheesecake. She gives the plates to their respectful owners and hands us forks. "If you need anything, let me know." She says to us before she disappears again.

I grab my fork and cut into a piece of my cheesecake. Dear god, it's so good. Or maybe I'm just that hungry.

Joe eats a piece of his too. "I was laughing because you can't change what annoys me about you."

I swallow my piece and cut into another. "I could try if you'd just tell me."

"Trust me, Demi. You can't change it." He reaches over to me again and wipes my mouth with his thumb.

"...Why are you suddenly being nice to me?" I eat another piece of my cake.

"...Because it's pointless to try anymore." He takes a bite of his own cake.

"Pointless to try what?"

"Pointless to try and convince myself that I'm not completely infatuated with you."

"...Why do you have to convince yourself?" I sip some Pepsi.

"...I don't want to like you, Demi. I don't want to like you at all."

"Why not?"

"...You're... You're a... You're sixteen."

"...Oh." I put my fork down and sigh.

"So I've been trying to talk myself out of falling for you. By being "mean" to you." He picks up my fork and cuts a piece of my cheesecake. "But I realize it's pointless. So I'm gonna stop trying." He holds the fork close to my mouth.

I lean out and eat the bite he fed to me. "...If I like you... And you like me...why do we pretend to hate each other?"

"You like me?" He sounds surprised to hear that.

I nod. "Very much so. That's why I can't tell Cody yes or no."

"...Well I'm sorry to hear that. We can like each other all day, but we can't be anything more than friends. You're too young for me."

"...Is that what annoys you?"

"Your age, yes." He grabs my hand and holds it.

I nod understandingly. "But you said other things spiral from that."

"They do. Like how pretty you are.  
How much I wish I could just protect you..."

"...You really annoy me, Joe."

"You annoy me too, Demi. But not as much as you fascinate me."

I smile at him and he smiles back.

I think tomorrow I'll tell Cody no.


	17. Text Messages

I'm nervous to go to school today. I'm very nervous, actually.

I'm nervous, because I know that today is the day I have to tell Cody that my answer is no. I know it sounds all cliche and stuff, but I really do hope that we can be friends.

It really bothers me that I don't talk to Joe more, though. I mean, I hardly ever see him. To see him, I have to go out with Nick and Selena and just hope he tags along.

I know Joe said that we can't date because I'm too young, but I still can't put Cody in that position. I can't like Joe as much as I do and date Cody. I'm just not that kind of girl.

When I walk into math class today, I'm already looking for Cody. I think the sooner I tell him, the easier it'll be. I just hope he understands.

I take my seat near Carrison's desk and scan the room for him. He isn't in the room yet. The late bell hasn't rung yet, so he still had a few minutes to make an appearance. To pass the time, I grab my notebook from my bag and open it to a clean sheet. I grab a pencil from my bag too.

"Demi, what did you do to my brother?" Nick plops down in the seat beside me, breathless.

"Hello to you too, Nick." I continue rummaging through my purse for a pack of gum that isn't empty.

"Oh. Yeah. Hey. But anyway, what did you do to him?" He struggles to catch his breath, but still talks fast.

"What did I do to what?" I find a stick of wrapped gum at the bottom of my purse and pop it into my mouth. It's minty.

"To my brother. He's all...weird now."

We both ignore the loud bell that signals the start of class. Selena isn't in here and neither is Cody.

"...Joe? What do you mean? I did something to him?" I feel my heart shrink. What could I have possibly done to him? We don't even talk much.

"Yeah. He's all weird and happy now. And he talks about you to me and anyone else that'll listen. What did you do?"

"...I didn't know... He talks about me?!" I feel myself get all excited and I remind myself to calm down.

"He TALKS about you. SINGS about you. THINKS about you. He even drew you last night, for crying out loud." He explains as he takes one of his bouncy curls and sweeps it out of his face.

"You're lying! He drew me?!"

"Not you, exactly. But your name. All over the cork-board in his room. I'm telling you. The guy is nuts. He begged me to get your number." He shakes his head.

"So why didn't you give it to him?!" I punch him in his arm, pissed off but not really.

"I told him you were thinking about going out with Cody and I didn't think you'd want me to let him have it without you knowing." He shrugs.

"Nick! You could've gave it to him!" I slam my hands down on my desk. I could kill him right now. He's so naive.

"I'm sorry! Here... Give me your phone. I'll put his number in your phone and then you can just text him. But I thought you liked Cody..." He holds his hand out.

I reach down and rummage through my purse again. "I did like Cody. I DO like Cody. But I like your brother a whole lot more." I put my phone in Nick's hand.

He slides his finger across the screen and starts moving his thumbs fast. "Oh. That's what Selena told me, but I didn't believe her."

I scoff and roll my eyes at him. I could've been texting Joe last night if he would've given him my number.

"Will you warn me before you start dating my brother?" He hands my phone back to me.

"We aren't going to date. He said yesterday that I'm too young for him." I sigh.

"...Do you think you're too young?"

"...No. I think if two people are really meant to be, it doesn't matter how old they are. But the law doesn't see it like that, I guess." I sigh again and shove my phone into the pocket of my shorts.

"I think you're right." He slides down in his chair and turns around just as Carrison claps his hands and orders the class.

I pick up my pencil and draw on the blank sheet of paper idly. I somewhat listen to what Carrison says, but my mind is wondering. Joe talks about me? What does he say? Does he tell them about how much he likes me? Does he like me alot?

I make the "O" of his name into a heart on my paper. I'm so pathetic, but I guess I don't really care.

On another note, I wonder where Selena is. She didn't say anything yesterday about skipping school today. Maybe she got sick. I'll text her later.

"...Nick? Is Selena sick?" I say in a loud whisper.

"Nah." He shakes his head and writes down the notes on the whiteboard.

"Then where is she?"

"...Girl doctor's appointment."

"MR. JONAS AND MISS LOVATO, SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE CLASS?" Carrison doesn't yell, but he talks so loud that he might as well be yelling.

"...Sorry." I apologize and act like I'm writing notes while finishing the "E" of his name.

So Selena isn't sick? I'm glad for that, honestly. I hope she'll be in school later though. I have a lot to tell her.

It sounds weird, but I wish I went to the gynecologist like Selena. I know you only have to start going there if you have sex or if you're on birth control. I just wish I could go to one.

Not that it seems fun or anything, but it seems like it's mature. I bet all the girls in this room have been to one. I bet I'm the only one that hasn't. I bet I'm the only virgin in here, too.

Breaking my thoughts is my phone that vibrates against my butt in the pocket of my jeans.

I watch Carrison as I slip it out of my pocket. I know I shouldn't have my phone out in class, but there might be an emergency. Especially with having a pregnant aunt at home.

The text is from a weird number. It's a number I don't have in my phone because the contact doesn't pop up. Then again, I'm such a loser here that I don't have anyone's number except for Selena's, Nick's and Cody's.

I slide my finger across and open up the text. It says:

"Hey :) Shouldn't you be in school?"

I wrinkle my eyebrow at the text. Who the hell is texting me and how the hell did they get my number?

I use my index finger and scroll upwards. It says that I texted this person first...

The text from me says:

"Hey Joe. It's Demi. Nick told me to text you."

I feel my face flush bright red and the butterflies in my stomach make me queasy. Oh my god, he's texting me!

I never texted him though...

Nick must've done it when he took my phone.

I hurry up and save his number in my contacts, then I text him back.

Me: I am in class lol. But it's boring :b

I look up to make sure I'm not being watched by Carrison. I know that my cheeks are probably so rosy right now, but I don't care.

Him: So you just thought you could text me? What class you in?

Me: math. And yeah! It's boring i need something to do lol

Him: Don't worry I'll keep you company :)

Me: Oh will you? For how long?

"Demi! Can you tell me what the answer to the third problem on last night's homework was?" Carrison asks. It really seems like he's picking on me today. Or maybe he's just annoying me.

I slide my phone between my legs and look at my notebook. "Um... The answer is... X= -4 and Y= -109." Just as I spit the answer out, my phone vibrates between my legs. Remind me to never put my phone there again whenever it's on vibrate. It felt kinda good, but that's so awkward.

"Good job." He writes the answer down on the whiteboard and leaves me alone.

I grab my phone again and check my text messages.

Him: I'll keep you busy for as long as you need me to. It's all up to you

Me: I have 7 hours of boring classes. Think you can keep me busy for 7 hours?

Him: Don't doubt me, shorty.

Me: I'm not doubting you

"Tomorrow, we will move on to area of trapezoids and then the review from last year will be over. Please bring your books tomorrow." Carrison says. Class must be nearing an end.

Nick turns back around and faces me. "So who are you texting?" The look on his face tells me that he already knows.

"...Your brother."

"What are y'all talking about?"

"None of your business."

Him: So what class are you headed to after math?

Me: english :(

Him: why the sad face, shorty?

Me: can't you find anything else to call me other than shorty? And I'm in school why wouldn't I be sad?

Him: You're such a sarcastic little thing.

Me: sorry.

Him: don't be. I like it :)

"Can I see your texts? Come on!" Nick is bugging the fuck out of me.

"No, Nick. I don't ask to read you and Selena's texts!"

"...You don't want to read them. Trust me."

Me: I really wish I wasn't in school.

Him: I wish you weren't in school either.

Me: ?

Him: It makes you sad. I don't want to see you send me :( faces, beautiful.

I crack a smile that is so wide my face immediately hurts.

Me: beautiful?

Him: You said not to call you shorty...

The bell rings to go to the next class and I shove my phone in my back pocket again. Nick grabs my heavy bag and carries it.

"Thank you." I say to him.

"No problem. Can I see your texts now?" He carries my bag all the way to english class.

"NO! Seriously, you can't. If you want to read mine, you gotta show me you and Selena's."

"Deal. But you can't read the really bad ones." He puts my bag next to my desk when we get to english.

"Okay." I hand him my phone and he hands me his. We both sit down next to each other and he reads my text messages while I read his.

He and Selena's really aren't even that bad. There are few that are pretty nasty, but for the most part, they're sweet. He texts her good morning and good night. He calls her "angel" and "baby girl." The worst one I read was when they were talking about how bad they wanna fuck, but even that one was more sweet than it was nasty.

"...He's flirting with you." Nick hands me my phone back.

"...He is?" I really, honestly haven't realized. Well, not until he called me beautiful.

"Yeah. He really likes you, Demi. I can tell he does from the way he talks to you. ...Don't give him false hope, Demi. Please don't..." I can tell by the way that Nick is looking at me that this is serious.

"...I won't. I swear I won't." I promise him.

"No, Demi. If you're not going to date him, don't lead him on. He's been burned like that in the past. And he's finally happy again with talking to you."

"He doesn't want to date me..."

"And if you're not going to really keep this going, stop texting him."

"I like him, Nick. I wouldn't say I do if I don't."

"Oh? Like you did with Cody?"

"...That's different."

"I don't care what you do, Demi. Just don't do what you did to Cody to my brother."

"I swear I won't."

"Alright."

Him: What are you doing now?

Me: Nothing...

Nick's reading over my shoulder, but I don't care.

Him: still need me to keep you company?

Me: Of course. Unless you're tired of talking to me...

Him: never.

Him: Is it weird that I miss you?

Me: NO! Not at all! :D i miss you too.

Him: And we just saw each other yesterday.

Me: Can you stop flirting with me so much?

Him: If that's what you want. But why? Don't like it?

Me: No. I love it. I just don't want to get my hopes up. Because I'm too young, remember?

He doesn't text me back after that, so I think I might've fucked things up.

"Good morning, class. Everyone have their homework?" My english teacher says with her bright, cheerful voice early this morning.

I grab my english homework from my english binder and set it out on my desk as she comes around to collect it.

"Today, we're going to be starting our first novel. The novel we'll be starting today is called The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. Who here has heard of it?"

I've heard of Jekyll and Hyde. I've never read the story, but I'm sure it's about some guy that has a split personality. I helped Dallas with a book report on it, her senior year of high school.

My phone buzzes again in my butt pocket, and I grab it very secretly. I check the text.

Him: I won't tell if you won't tell, beautiful ;)

I blush again. Damn, this feels good.

Entirely too good for me to be too young.

* * *

_September 3, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Why does age have to exist? Why does there have to be laws? If daddy was 3 years older than you, you would've still married him, right?_

_I think age sucks. I've been talking to Joe all day today, and I've been falling harder and harder for him. He's so sweet, mom. He's so nice to me. That has to count for something, right?_

_I keep comparing him to Cody. Cody's more my age, so maybe I should date him. But he's so much different than Joe. Joe calls me "beautiful." Cody calls me "hot."_

_Technically, I've known them both for the same amount of time, yet Cody feels the need to kiss me all the time. Joe hasn't even held my hand. I think he respects me._

_It's not illegal for me and Joe to just date, is it? It's only illegal if we have sex, right?_

_He told me that "he won't tell if I don't tell." Does that mean that he'd date me anyway?_

_Mom, I think this is what it's supposed to feel like. I think I'm supposed to have butterflies whenever I think of him. I'm supposed to blush whenever he says something sweet. I'm supposed to feel special when he calls me "beautiful." This is what falling in "Puppy Love" is supposed to feel like. So why does the law say it's wrong? I can really see myself with him, mom. If nothing happens, I can._

_Anyway, what's it like at the gynecologist?_

_Selena sees one. I want to, too. I want to feel responsible and grown. I'm 16 and have never been to a gynecologist. Mostly, everyone has._

_When the time comes, do I just tell Aunt Kathy that I need one?_

_Lots of girls say that it hurts to lose their virginity, but I really think I'm ready._

_I think I'm going to lose mine to Joe. Not anytime soon, though. I think I might wait until it's legal. I don't want to wait that long, but I don't want to get into trouble either. I wouldn't mind waiting two years to have sex with Joe._

_Selena lost her virginity to Nick when they were both 14. I think that's too young._

_I've been a really good kid in waiting this long to lose mine, do you think the law would let it slide if I just did it one time with Joe?_

_I'm getting ahead of myself. I know that Joe doesn't think of me in a sexual way. But I can't help it. I really want to lose mine to him, because he seems like he's the only one that would care enough to take mine, and take it with...care._

_I just don't know what I'm going to do, mom. Should I wait for Joe?_

_The only other guy I'd have sex with right now is Nick. I wouldn't have sex with him, because he's Selena's, but he's really sweet._

_I don't want to have sex with a jerk._

_I'm still confused about sex, mom. Maybe I should just wait until marriage. It sounds easier than what it is. With my hormones, I don't think I could do it._

_But it's definitely a possibility._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._


	18. Kisses

_September 6, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I made it through my second week of school, too. If the entire year goes off without a hitch like these first two weeks have, I won't mind school. _

_Today in school, there was a meeting for girls that are interested in playing basketball. I don't really want to play basketball, but Uncle Jason wants me to play something, so I went to the meeting with Selena. Apparently, Selena's very good at basketball. I probably won't be very good, but it's something to do. I still haven't decided if I'm really going to play yet. _

_I told you on Wednesday that I told Cody the situation. I told him that I didn't want to date him, but I wanted to be friends. He said okay._

_At first, he was taking it really well. He still sat by me and talked to me in art class and geography. Then, in study hall today, Nick accidentally mentioned something about Joe and Cody got mad and left. Cody got REALLY mad._

_When he came back, he called me a "bitch." I tried to tell him sorry, but he ignored me and called me a "hoe." I don't think I'm a hoe. I'm a virgin, how could I be?_

_It sounds bad, but I'm not really worried about it. I don't care about Cody as long as I still have Joe. Selena told me today that Cody goes to therapy. I don't know why, but he does go. I think that's why he misses one class a week._

_Tonight, there is a home football game. Me, Selena and Nick are gonna go. I don't know if Joe's going to come, but I'll ask later. _

_Tomorrow, Aunt Kathy has a baby appointment. She asked me to go with her and I said yes. So tomorrow, I'm going to go with her. Then on Sunday, me and Uncle Jason are gonna go look at furniture for baby rooms. I guess my weekend is all booked up._

_Aunt Kathy is making me eat something before I go to the game, so I have to go now. Everything is doing okay, for now. It worries me, because every time something goes right, something else has to go wrong. So I'm a little worried to see what's going to go wrong, but I'll fight through it. _

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

When I finish writing my letter, I take my phone and walk downstairs. Aunt Kathy got food from KFC for dinner. She gets tired easily now that she's pregnant.

"The food is on the stove in the kitchen. It might need heated up, honey." I think she's sipping a cup of tea, laying on the couch. I'm not used to seeing her so lazy. She's usually really energetic.

"Okay." I go into the kitchen and grab a paper plate. I put a piece of chicken on my plate, along with some macaroni and mashed potatoes. I don't want a biscuit. I take my plate of good and walk into the living room.

"Where are you going tonight?" She asks. I can tell of the weight gain now that I look at her.

"Me and Selena are going to the football game. Afterwards, we're going to hang out at Nick's if it's okay with you." I'm chewing my food slowly.

"11:30 if you don't go to Nick's. 12:00 if you do."

"Okay." I swing my feet and finish off the macaroni. "Is being pregnant hard?"

Aunt Kathy laughs. "No, it's not hard. It's just tiring. Sorry I haven't been paying much attention to you lately, babydoll."

"That's okay." I finish my food, set the plate on the coffee table and grab my phone.

I've been texting Joe a whole lot lately. Every morning and every night, he never fails to text me "good morning" or "goodnight."

Last night was the first night we texted about bad stuff. I enjoyed last night so much that I go back and retread the texts.

Him: are you out of the shower yet?

Me: yes :b

Him: you spend a bunch of time in the shower

Me: i have to be clean!

Him: i like dirty girls ;)

Me: how dirty? :b

Him: you don't wanna know

Me: what if i do want to know...

Him: if you really wanted to know, I'd have to tell you.

Me: or show me.

Him: lets stick with telling.

Me: :( okay ;)

Him: what'd you do in the shower?

Me: shaved :)

Him: shaved what? ;)

Me: use your imagination.

Him: mmmmm ok.

Me: and?

Him: and what?

Me: what are you imagining?

Him: something yummy ;) ;b

Me: oh really? how yummy?

Him: idk but I'd like to find out. i wonder if im right.

Me: why don't you tell me what you imagined?

Him: i imagine that you shaved something delicious. and if im right about what you shaved, i won't have to worry about getting hair in my mouth ;)

Me: oooh. well i think you're right ;}

I click out of my text messages on that note. Last night was amazing. It sucks to know that I can't legally have sex with Joe, but the least I can do is talk dirty with him. I really just want to have sex with him. That's all.

I wonder what he's doing right now, though.

I open up the text messages and text him right now.

Me: helloooo?

He doesn't text back right away. He's probably at work, and I should go get dressed for the game anyway.

I get up off the couch and head upstairs to my room. I don't have anything blue and gold to wear.

So I grab a yellow lace undershirt and pull it on. And I put on a dark blue pair of shorts and slide on flip flops. I guess it's as good as blue and gold are gonna get.

I flop down on my bed and just wait until it's time for me to leave. My phone starts buzzing on the dresser next to me. I reach over and grab it. It's him.

I answer it. "Hello..."

"Hey, beautiful. How was school today?" He's so nice to me that it makes me want to cry.

"School was... School. Boring. What are you doing tonight?"

"I'm at the store until 6:30. Why?"

"I want to see you tonight...I miss you..."

"You'll see me later, Demi. I have to work, beautiful. I'm off tomorrow..."

I sigh, "But I really, really want to see you tonight!"

"You're being a brat."

"I know. But I just want to see you... Please?"

"...You know I can't say no to you." He chuckles. "What are you doing later?"

"I'm going to the football game. Can you go too?"

"What time is that?"

"7."

"That's pushing it. I'll get there around.. 7:30."

"Selena said that we'll go back to you guys' house after."

"That sounds good. Do you want to go out later or do you want to just hang out at my house?"

"I don't care. I just want to spend time with you."

"Alright gorgeous. I'm off my break, so I have to go. I'll see you later."

"See you."

We both hang up the phone. It's getting close to 6:00, so I'd better finish getting ready.

I love talking to Joe so much. He makes me feel really special.

I comb my hair out to make sure it's straight, then head downstairs. I can't wait to see Joe later.

* * *

"Demi, Cody said he's coming." Selena says as we walk through the gates of the stadium.

"Oh, great." I mumble. "He fucking hates me."

"He's just pissed that you don't want him. You want Joe." Nick chimes in.

"Speaking of Joe, how are you two?" Selena asks.

"We're okay. We don't date, but we're pretty... Flirty with each other."

"Have you kissed him?"

"Not yet."

"Y'all two are gonna end up fucking." Nick shakes his head and leads us down a flight of steps to the student section. The stadium is really, really nice. The field is all turf with the logo in the middle.

"We're not. Mainly because it's illegal." I grumble. I wish Nick was right.

"If you and Joe did have sex, you'd tell me, right?" Selena asks as we all sit down behind a group of people that sit at our lunch table.

"Of course I'd tell you. It probably won't happen. It's illegal."

"Who cares? The only way you'd get in trouble for it is if you told the cops."

"You think we could?"

"...If you did have sex with him, let me know what it's like to screw an older guy."

"His dick is probably huge. What if it gets like... Stuck or something?"

Selena cracks up laughing. I laugh too. "You're such a virgin." She shakes her head at me.

"I know it won't get stuck. But it'll probably hurt like hell."

"You use tampons?"

"Yeah."

"Then it won't be that bad. My first time with Nick wasn't horrible. We did it once and it was kind of sore and uncomfortable, but we did it again a couple minutes after the first and it felt sooooo good."

"I wonder if I'll bleed."

"I didn't."

"I won't tell him that I'm a virgin, though. He probably wouldn't do it if he knew."

"Most guys I've talked to said that virgins have the best..."

I shudder at that. Just the thought of me and Joe laying in bed, enjoying each other gives me the chills. "What's the best way to do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"To lose it. Like... What's the best way?"

"In a bed?"

"What position, smart ass." I roll my eyes at her and laugh.

"Oh! ...um... Whatever way the guy wants to. Nick and me did it regular the first time. Then the second time I was on top."

"...How do you think Joe would?"

"I don't know! Why don't you ask him?"

"I can't just ask him." I sigh. "But I do know that he wants to eat me out." I say kind of proudly.

"How do you know that?!"

"He told me. Last night while we were texting. He said that it would be yummy. So..."

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"

"It was late!" I'm blushing so hard. "What's it even like to... Get... Eaten out?"

She turns to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Demi. It feels SO good."

I sigh. "I need to do something. With my hormones, I feel like I'm about to just explode."

"Incoming." Selena mutters as she looks behind me.

I turn around too. It's Cody. He's wearing a school t-shirt with baggy basketball shorts.

"I'll fuck you. And it won't be illegal." He mumbles so low that I wasn't supposed to hear it, but I did. And I don't appreciate it.

I just roll my eyes and don't say anything to him.

"Forget about him, Demi. He's just a jealous faggot."

"I know." I click the home button on my phone and check the time. It's 7:01. The game just started.

Nick stands up with his phone pressed to his ear. "Yeah... Down. The second to last row. I'll come meet you." He hangs up. "I'll be right back, babe." He says to Selena.

"Where are you going?" Selena asks him.

"To meet Joe."

"He's early!" I exclaim. "I'm coming with you!" I jump up from my seat and follow him.

Selena follows close behind us.

We walk behind Nick as we go back to the gates we came through. I see him.

He's wearing a black cutoff shirt with the Nike logo on it and basketball shorts. He looks so fucking good.

"Joey!" I almost scream as I run toward him. I jump up on him and he catches me so that I don't fall.

"Hey beautiful." He's a lot calmer than I am.

"You're early!" I'm hugging him so tight around his neck that it's a wonder he can breathe.

"I know I'm early. I wanted to see you." He leans down so that I can get on the ground safely.

"Are y'all gonna kiss?" Nick asks with a goofy smile on his face.

"Shut up." I bark at him.

"It's easy. Like this." Selena adds her two cents in as she stands on her tip-toes and kisses Nick deeply on his lips.

"You two are pervs." Joe laughs and shakes his head. He's still holding his arm around my waist.

"Demi's too chicken to kiss a boy." Nick teases me.

"And Joe isn't man enough." Selena teases him.

I look up at Joe briefly and smile. He looks back at me.

I raise myself up on my tip-toes and Joe bends down slightly. Really carefully, we bring our heads together and we kiss.

"Boo! Do I have to teach you two how to kiss?!" Selena says. "You're supposed to use your tongues! Stop pecking each other!"

I know how to kiss somebody. I'm not a virgin with making out.

To shut them up, I open my lips up slightly. Joe forces his tongue inside my mouth and our tongues come together and have an all out war.

His breath is sweet. It tastes heavily like mint, but it's a sweet mint. Probably peppermint.

"Woo!" Nick claps.

Joe finally pulls away from me. He uses his thumb and wipes my mouth off. "You're a good kisser to be so young, gorgeous."

"Maybe I'm just good with my mouth." I wink at him.

"Let's go sit down." He holds my hand tightly and walks with me to our seats.

"You two need to just date." Selena shakes her head.

"You need to mind your business, sloppy ass." Joe says to her.

He sits down and I sit in front of him and lean between his legs. He starts playing with my hair.

"Let me know if you get cold. I have a jacket in my car." He stops playing with my hair and rubs his hands all over my shoulders as if he's trying to warm me up.

"I'm not cold. I'm hot." I'm picking with the thick hair that's on his legs and he doesn't care.

"Have some of my water. Here." He hands me a bottle of cold water.

I unscrew the cap and take a sip of it.

Selena leans over to whisper in my ear. "Cody's watching you two." She whispers.

I glance over at Cody. He is staring at me and Joe. He looks really mad.

"What's the matter?" Joe resumes playing with my hair.

"Nothing. Cody's just staring. He hates me for choosing you over him."

"What do you mean he hates you?"

"He called me a bitch and a hoe today."

Joe sucks his teeth. "I'll fuck his pansy ass up." He strokes the hairs on the back of my neck. "It's alright. I'm not like him. I can keep something good whenever I've got it."

I smile softly. "Can I have another?"

"Another what, beautiful?"

"Kiss?"

"Of course you can." He leans down and crushes his lips against mine again. His lips are so soft.

When he pulls away, he rubs my arms again.

"You're good." I smile up at him.

"I'm good? At kissing?"

"No. You're good. You don't have any hair in your mouth." I chuckle.

He laughs too. "You're a nut, you know that Demi?"

I lean back against him more. I'm so far between his legs that I'm sure I'm touching his dick. I just can't feel it.

"If I make you too hot, just let me know. I'll get up." I say as I grab his water and take another sip.

"I like you laying here."

"Why?"

"Because I know you're safe while you're here."

I smile again.

"...Plus I can see down your tank top. Your bra is cute. Any lower and I'd see your nipples, though." He laughs.

"You're such a fag!" I smack him on his legs.

"I'm sorry, gorgeous. I had to." He reaches down and pulls my top up for me. "Nobody else is gonna see them, though."

I don't think I care about what the law says.

I'm going to date Joe.


	19. No

"Are we going back to your house babe?" Selena asks Nick as we leave the gates of the game.

Our school won, 42-14. Go buccaneers, I guess.

"Yeah. We can get in the hot tub." Nick leans over and kisses Selena on her cheek.

"I don't have my bathing suit with me!" Selena whines.

Joe pulls me closer to his body and locks his arm around my waist as we walk to his car.

"Like you haven't been naked in a hot tub before." Nick holds her hand and I watch him stroke her knuckles. They're so cute together.

"You cold?" Joe asks me. He has his arms wrapped around me as if he's a blanket.

"No... I'm not. But... If they're gonna get in the hot tub... What are we gonna do?" I look up at him.

"Whatever you want to do, beautiful. We can watch a movie in my room. We can go for a night swim. Whatever you want, we can do it." He presses his lips to my head.

Lord knows I want to go to his room and not only watch a movie, but make a movie, if you know what I mean. He said whatever I want we can do. I wonder if he meant that too.

We get back to Joe's car. It's the same Ford Escape he picked us up in when we went to The Cheesecake Factory. I go to the backseat door.

"What are you doing? Get in the front, Demi." Joe says to me with a smile. I nod and walk over to the passenger's side and climb in. Nick and Selena get in the back.

"Make sure you clean out the hot tub if you two do anything in it." Joe pulls out of the parking lot and starts driving up the road.

"We probably won't do anything besides talk." Nick mutters from the back seat. Even I know that's a lie.

"Does your mom not care that you two fuck like rabbits?" I ask, suddenly curious.

Selena cracks up laughing, but Nick didn't find it funny.

"It's not that she doesn't care. She just feels like she can't really stop it so she shouldn't try. She feels like they're gonna do it anyway, whether she allows it or not." Joe answers my question in place of Nick.

"Oh..." I sigh and look out the window.

"You think about what you want to do yet?" He asks me. We're driving up the long road that leads to their driveway now.

"...I kinda want to go swimming." I roll down the window. It really is a warm enough night to swim.

"You don't have a bathing suit, gorgeous. We can't swim."

"I'll take off my bra and panties and swim in my clothes..."

"Okay, genius. What happens when you're ready to get out?" He looks over at me.

"...I don't know." I sigh again, defeated.

"...We can swim. When you want to get out, I'll give you something to wear and I'll stick your clothes in the dryer. Is that okay?"

"Yes." I smile at him. I got my way again.

"...You're so spoiled." He parks in the driveway.

"I know." I stick my tongue out at him and get out.

The four of us walk into the house.

"Mom, we'll be outside!" Nick screams up the steps. It's so quiet in here, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone was asleep.

"Damn, Nick. Scream a little louder, won't you?" Joe slaps him hard on his back and Nick hits him back.

We all walk outside. Their backyard is still magnificent, even in the dark.

Nick flips a light switch and soft lights light up on the patio and the lights in the pool come on.

Joe holds my hand and walks me down to the pool. It's really dark in by the pool. The only light is coming from the lights that are inside the water.

"Are you two sure you don't want to join us in the hot tub?" Selena asks us. The hot tub isn't far from the pool. It's right next to it, raised up on a platform.

"Do you want to get in there?" Joe turns around and faces me.

"No." I shake my head. "I want to swim."

"Alright." He lets my hand go. "I'll be right back. I'm gonna go behind the pool-shed and take off my boxers. I won't come out until you're ready." He leans down and kisses my cheek.

"Okay."

I watch him as he walks away and disappears behind the shed. When he's gone, I take off my bra quickly. It's only a 38B cup. I hope he doesn't mind small boobs. I take my underwear off too. Their lace. I wad both my bra and underwear up and lie them in a corner.

"I'm ready." I say softly, looking into the pool water. It's probably going to be really cold.

He comes from behind the shed and meets up with me again. "Wanna get on my back and go off the diving board?" He's behind me with his hands wrapped around my hips.

I nod. "Sure."

"You trust me?" His hands move from my hips to up my tank top. His fingers are entangled in my belly button ring.

I nod again.

He leans down and presses his lips to my neck like Cody used to. When Joe does it, it means something more than when Cody does it to me.

I walk behind him and jump on his back. He holds me by my legs and walks up to the diving platform. I thought we were just going to jump off the low board, but he keeps climbing the stairs to the high one. The high one is really... Really high.

"...H...how high is this?" I ask him.

"Eighteen feet."

"...Oh."

"I won't let you go. You trust me, remember?" He walks towards the edge and before I get a moment to tell him "no", he jumps.

And in that instant, we're free-falling. And as he promised...

He doesn't let go.

When our bodies hit the water, we both get pulled under. Joe's hands are still locked on my legs and he doesn't let me go like he said. We both spring to the top.

"I told you that I got you. I told you..." He whispers in my ear.

I cough a little, because water got up my nose. "Ehmmm... EHEMM!"

"Are you okay? Demi?! Are you okay?" He swings me off his back and in front of his face so fast that I didn't even realize he did it.

"EHMM! EHHEMMM!" I'm nodding as I'm coughing. I'm alright. My nose is just feeling weird.

"Breathe... Take deep breaths. Hold your nose and take deep breaths."

"Mmmmm... EHEMM!" I can't stop coughing.

Joe starts patting me on my back rather hard. "Breathe, babe. Breathe."

He called me "babe." Oh my goodness, he called me "babe."

"I'm fine, Joe. I just got water up my nose."

"You just scared me, that's all. Don't do that to me again, baby." He sweeps my wet hair out of my face.

"...You called me baby..." I comment on it this time.

"...I'm sorry." He rubs my arms with his hands. "But you are my baby... I don't want anything to happen to you."

"...I like being your baby." I pull him down to my face and kiss him.

When we pull away, he smiles. "Come on. We're getting out. I don't need you choking again."

"Where are we gonna go?" I ask as I swim over to the ladder. I climb out.

"We'll go to the hot tub for a moment. Warm you up a little bit. Then we can go to my room. What time do you have to be home?" He climbs out with me and we walk over to the hot tub.

"12:00." I'm shivering a little. I actually am freezing.

"We came to join you two." Joe says.

Nick and Selena and just kissing and talking in the tub. They aren't doing anything, but both their clothes are in a pile on the ground.

"...Do I just get in with my clothes on?" I ask out loud.

"You can get naked, nobody's looking at you." Selena says to me.

I look over at Joe.

He's already in the hot tub. That was fast. I didn't even see him get in. And his basketball shorts are in a pile next to Nick's clothes.

I'm kind of uncomfortable with my naked body, mostly because I have incredibly small boobs. But everyone else is naked.

First, I take off my shorts. I'm incredibly grateful that I shaved my crotch last night. I pull my tank top down to cover up my naked personals and step in the tub. It feels good in here.

When I sit down, the water covers my chest, so then I take off my top and lie it next to my shorts.

I'm naked. In a hot tub. With Joe. Somebody pinch me, because I'm sure that I'm dreaming.

"Are you warm?" Joe reaches over and pulls me closer to him. To confirm what I know, I don't feel his shorts against his legs. So yeah, he's naked.

I keep my hand smushed across my chest, even though it's covered by the water. "I'm warm."

"Let's play truth or dare." Selena suggests, looking at how distant me and Joe are from one another.

"Alright, I'll start. Selena truth or dare." Joe seems like he's just playing to be spiteful.

"Dare me."

"I dare you to..." Joe thinks. "I was counting on you to pick truth, damn." He murmurs. "Um... I dare you to lick Nick's ear."

"That's an easy one." She does it without hesitation. "Now Demi. Truth or dare."

"...Truth?" I don't know if I'm ready for a dare yet.

"PUSSY! PICK DARE!" Nick shouts and that makes me blush.

"Um...okay. Dare." I change my answer.

Selena's face lights up. "I dare you to sit on Joe's lap. Like I'm sitting on Nick's lap."

I really wish I wasn't white right now. I wish I were black. Because if I were black in this moment, you wouldn't be able to notice how red my cheeks are.

"...Can I have another dare?" I ask. I'm so nervous to do it. What if he like... Feels how wet I am right now?

"Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" Nick chants.

"...okay." I move over and sit on Joe's lap. It's pretty easy. It's just surreal, because we're skin to skin. Not clothes to clothes. I don't feel his dick though. It must not be that big then...

"Okay! We can stop playing!" Selena says cheerfully. She's not smart. I know she only wanted to play to get me closer to Joe. She wants me to lose my virginity more than I do. Haha.

"I like you better right here." Joe whispers in my ear. He wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin against my shoulder.

"What do you like about it?" I whisper back.

"I like how close you are to me."

"I like it too. But I'd like to be closer." I finally admit to him. I think he should know that I want to fuck him.

He kisses my cheek and rubs my hips again. "Not tonight, beautiful. Not here. Not like this."

"Oh..." I should've kept it to myself. Now he knows that I want to sleep with him. And he just turned me down. I feel silly now.

"Don't be embarrassed, beautiful." He kisses my cheek yet again. "I don't need to tell you how much I want to... I've wanted you since they day I saw you. But you're worth more to me than a quickie in a hot tub, baby girl. Not tonight."

I nod. "Okay. Can we go watch movies then?"

"Give me some time to enjoy this. I'm not ready to end this yet." He whispers softly in my ear and rubs my lower stomach.

"...Me either." I admit. Just then, I feel him. He's not small at all. He was just soft. I wonder if he'd mind if I touched it. I just want to know how big it is... For future reasons.

"...Can I?" I ask him first. I don't want to just do it.

"Do whatever you want..." He starts kissing me on my neck and damn, it feels good. My god, I'm getting so wet.

I reach down with my right hand and touch it. If the skin on it wasn't so soft, I'd think I was touching a rock. He's really hard. On instinct, I wrap my hand around it. He's thick, too. I don't know what else to compare it to than the size of a VERY ripe banana. The fattest banana you've ever seen, though. He's long and thick. I'm a little nervous.

He doesn't stop kissing my neck when I touch him, though. He keeps sucking on my neck, moving his hand down to the most private part of me.

He uses one finger and rubs me. Oh my god... Oh my FUCKING god. If he lowered his hand by a quarter of an inch, his finger would be right where I open up.

He does lower his hand. And he uses two fingers to spread me open. I bite my bottom lip.

My hand is involuntarily stroking his length. I don't think he can get any harder than he is. And I don't think I can get any wetter.

He uses the same two fingers and tries to push inside of me. It feels so good already. But his fingers won't go in. No matter how hard he tries to stuff them in.

Instead of two, he moves on to one. He tries pushing his index finger in this time, and it still doesn't work.

When his index finger won't go in, he pulls away from my neck fast and yanks his fingers away from my privates, as if something hurt him down there and it was a retaliation. I'm a little nervous again.

"...Demi?" He calls my name.

I stop rubbing on him and take my hand away.

"Sorry..." I apologize.

"No... Listen to me." The look on his face screams worry to me.

"Hmmm?" I look down.

"...Are you a virgin?"

Does this ruin everything? Damn. Well, I can't lie to him.

"...yes." I whisper really softly.

"No... No. No, no, NO. NO. Do you hear me? No." He pushes me off his lap softly.

I'm going to cry. I knew this would ruin everything. Damn it. Damn it.

"I'm sorry..." I wipe my eyes.

"Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't be sorry, baby girl. Don't be sorry. I just wish you would've told me." He stands up, naked and all. I don't even look. "Come on. We're going to watch movies. Definitely not like this. Definitely not."

"Why'd you say no?" I stand up with him, covering up.

"I'm definitely not taking your virginity in a jacuzzi. Lets go."

I still feel embarrassed.

But this just made it clear to me.

I'm definitely going to sleep with Joe.

I must mean a lot to him for him to tell me no.

I think I might love him.


	20. Happened

"Are you cold?" Joe asks me. We're both standing in his kitchen. I'm wearing my bra and underwear and I'm shivering, dripping all over his kitchen floor.

"Yes..." I don't lie to him. I'm shivering really bad.

"Here, just follow me." He holds my hand and leads me down a flight of carpeted steps. You know how all basements have that particular smell? Well it smells like basement down these steps.

"I'm gonna stick your clothes in the dryer." He says. He flips on a light switch.

The basement is really, really nice. The walls are made of wooden paneling and the floor is made of expensive looking marble. On the floor is a big, fluffy red rug that covers almost all of the floor. Off in one corner, there's exercise equipment and in the main part, there's a huge brown couch and an even bigger plasma TV.

"Okay..." I shiver a little more. It's freezing down here. I'm so cold that I don't care I'm wearing my personals around him. My underwear are made of black lace, so I'm certain that he can see my butt through it and my crotch too. My bra matches my panties, and he can see that I have very small boobs. And he's just standing here in his boxers.

"Are you hungry at all?" He puts both of our wet clothes into a red dryer and turns it on. He picks through a basket of clean clothes that's sitting on the floor.

"No, I'm not hungry." I shake my head.

He walks over to me with a t-shirt. "Here. Put this on."

I pull the t-shirt on over my head and it covers everything down to my knees. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, beautiful. " He takes a piece of my hair and strokes it. "Let's watch some TV until your clothes get dry."

We both sit down on the couch. I'm still kind of cold, and he can see that. He pulls a blanket down off the back of the couch and covers the both of us with it. Neither one of us have spoken about what just happened in the hot tub. I'm still embarrassed.

"If you catch a cold from us being outside, I'll take care of you. I'm stupid for taking you outside when it was getting chilly." He pulls me over to him and rubs my arm.

"I wanted to go swimming though." I rest my head against his bare chest.

He flicks on the TV with the remote and scrolls through the channels. "Yeah, but I should've told you no. I don't like telling you no. You use that against me."

I laugh a little. "It's your fault for spoiling me."

He leans down and kisses the top of my head. "I don't mind spoiling you." He turns on one of the Scary Movies. I think it's Scary Movie 2.

We both settle in with each other and watch it. I'm watching the movie, but Joe is preoccupied with rubbing my arms, shoulders and even my butt.

I have a question for him. It's really burning me up, and if I don't ask him, I might go berserk.

"Joe?"

"Yeah?" He looks down at me. I don't look at him. I might die of embarrassment if I do.

"How did you know?" I play with the hair by his bellybutton to avoid looking him in the face. I figure Selena told Nick and Nick told him. I won't be too mad at Selena, even though I told her not to tell anyone.

"How did I know what, babe?" He plays with my fingers. "You have such tiny hands."

"That I'm a..." I can't even say it. I just hope he knows what I'm trying to get at.

"Oh... Oh. Um... Well I just... Knew." He shrugs.

"How?" I feel tears coming on again, but I refuse to cry.

"...You wouldn't be the first girl I've done that to, babe."

"Done what?"

"Fingered."

"Oh..." I sigh. It would be the first time anyone's ever fingered me...

"...And with all the other girls I've done that to... They always like... Go right in." He's rubbing my back. "At first I thought you were just too... tight for two fingers. So I tried one. And when one didn't work either, I figured nothing's ever been up there before."

"...You still could've... It didn't hurt."

"I was worried about hurting you. I've never done it with a virgin before, Demi. I mean... I have. Once. But that was different."

"It's not that big of a deal." He's starting to frustrate me. I'm a virgin, not an alien. Stop acting like I'm some rare species.

"I just wish you would've told me. I wouldn't have even tried if I knew." He kisses my hand but it doesn't make me feel better.

"I don't tell anyone about it. It's embarrassing..."

"You're embarrassed? Why?"

"Because! Shit like what just happened usually happens. I don't know what the big deal is..."

"Are you mad at me for telling you no?"

"No... I just wish we would've gotten it over with. I'm ready to do it already. Nobody seems to understand that."

"Come on, Demi. I didn't say no forever. I said no for tonight."

I stop talking to him. He makes me so angry. I'm not a little kid. I feel like he's treating me like one.

"I just want your first time to be something special. I could lie you down right now and make it a little quickie for your first time. Would that make you happy?"

"Um... Yeah. It would be done and over, with someone I really like and care about."

"If I didn't care about you, Demi. Believe me I would. God knows I want to. I want to SO bad. But I refuse to have you regret your first time."

"I'm not going to regret it!" I'm getting really angry. "Jesus Christ, Joe. I'm sixteen, not six. Stop treating me like I'm an infant!"

"Yell at me all you want. I'm not putting anything inside of you tonight. You'll thank me later."

I sigh hard, irritated. I'm so fucking frustrated right now. God.

"Why is it so important for you to have sex tonight? We have forever to have sex, Demi." He keeps playing with my hair.

"I'm just so sick of being the only one. I haven't done anything." I sigh again.

"What do you mean?" He starts rubbing my butt again.

"At lunch, all of the people I sit with talk about what they do. And I'm the only one that can't say anything. I haven't done anything with anyone." I'm really upset right now. I'm not trying to make him feel guilty or anything, though.

Joe sighs. "I spoil you... I spoil you too much. You're a little brat." He moves me off him and lies me down.

This is really gonna happen! Oh my goodness!

"I'm not doing this just to give you bragging rights, okay?" He leans down and kisses me on my lips.

I kiss him back. "Okay."

"I'm doing this to make you happy. I hate seeing you angry with me." He kisses me again. "And plus, I'm hard as fuck right now."

I kiss him back again. "I promise I won't regret it." I open my legs a little and let him get between them.

"You have to be home by 12:00, right?" He puts his hands on the seams of my underwear and pulls them down.

"Yeah.." I glance at the clock. "It's only 10:45... Don't worry about hurting me." I hold his hand.

"I'm not going to hurt you. Because I'm not putting anything inside of you." He presses his lips to my neck and kisses me again.

"What do you mean?" I find myself whining.

"We're not having sex tonight, Demi. I told you no."

"Then why are my underwear off?"

"Just relax, babe. I got you." He kisses me on my lips again. "Just let me know if I hurt you. Okay?" He kisses me deeper this time.

I nod and keep kissing him. He said "he got me", so I'll trust him. I trust Joe with everything in me. I really do.

He pulls his lips away from mine, breaking the kiss. I wish his lips would come back to mine.

He pulls the covers away from us and scoots down. His face is level with my stomach. When I look down, I see the top of his head.

He pulls my legs apart and kisses my lower stomach. I don't know what else to do with my hands, so I just prop myself up on my elbows and watch him.

He puts his hands on top of my stomach and rests his forehead between my legs. And he kisses me. The same way he'd kiss me on my lips, he kisses me down there.

I close my eyes. Selena said this feels really good. Let me just imagine. I breathe evenly.

He stops kissing me down there and proceeds to work with his tongue. His tongue works it's way from top to bottom. I'm struggling to keep my breathing even. He clamps his mouth over the smallest, most sensitive part down there and sucks on it. I find myself squeezing the corner of the couch. I could moan, but I think it's better if I don't make any noise.

He stops sucking on it and swirls his tongue around it. It feels ten times better if he licks that specific part of me than anywhere else. He moves off that part of my privates and goes back down to where I open. He gives my entrance a soft, sweet french kiss.

I squeeze the corner of the couch tighter. Dear god, how does anyone just accept this? It feels so good, I don't know if I can continue.

Just when I regain control of my unsteady breathing, he makes another move. One... Just one of his fingers pierces inside of me, which makes me actually let a moan slide out. "Mmmmmm..." Moaning is embarrassing, I think.

He moves back to the sensitive part he was just sucking on, and he sucks on it again. I don't understand how the smallest part of down there could make me feel the most.

Easily, he's sliding his finger in and out. He's going at an even pace. Steady... It kind of feels like he's motioning for someone to "come here."

Another moan slides out of my mouth. "Ahhhh..."

I think he likes me moaning, because when I moan, he moves his finger a little faster, which makes me moan again. And this time, I just can't stop moaning and it's embarrassing.

"Uhhh... Uh... Ahhh... Uhhhh..." Instead of the couch, I grab his hair and pull. I'm not hurting him, I don't think.

My eyes are closed so tight that I have a headache. Oh my god, this is amazing.

Down below, he slides his finger out. And he kisses me again, the way he started. And I think he's finished.

I was just freezing a few moments ago, but now I'm sweaty and hot and breathing heavy.

Joe leans down and grabs my underwear from off the floor. He slides them back on me and secures them in place. And that little act just made me want to cry.

"I'll be right back." He whispers. He's not even out of breath. But I am.

I nod at him and continue to catch my breath. He disappears into a small bathroom.

I can't believe that just happened. I just did something with Joe. I did something sexual with someone. I did something sexual with someone older. I can't believe what I just did. I feel like such a little rebel. Forgive me father, for I have sinned?

Joe comes out of the bathroom and grabs my clothes from the dryer. He turns the light on and hands them to me. "Here. They're all dry... It's 11:33. I'd better get you home."

I pull my clothes back onto my body. I make sure the yellow tank top lines up with my boobs and I make sure the dark blue shorts cover my butt. Joe's not saying much of anything. I really hope he's not being a jerk.

"Just sit down here. I have to go get Nick and Selena." He murmurs when we get up to the kitchen. I just stand off in a corner as he goes upstairs.

I feel a little bit embarrassed about what just happened. I'm embarrassed at how I begged him to do something... And now he's being a little bit...standoffish.

I should've just waited like he wanted me to. If I just ruined everything between us, I'll never forgive myself.

Selena and Nick come downstairs with Joe. Nick's shirtless and Selena's hair is all messy, which means they probably had sex. You can't tell that me and Joe did something by looking, can you?

I follow them all out to the car. And I get in the backseat with Selena. Joe doesn't say anything to me about getting in the back. I'm so mad at myself. It's clear that he feels uncomfortable now.

"What movie did you two watch?" Selena asks me. She seems happy. I wish I were happy too.

"We didn't..." I shake my head.

"What did you two do then?"

"Nothing. Just talked." I shrug and lie to her.

Joe pulls the car into the driveway of Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's.

"Talk to you later, Selena. Bye Nick... Bye Joe." I mutter as I get out of the car.

I hear another door open and I turn around. Joe's getting out of the car too. For what?

"Goodnight, Demi." He says. He wraps his arms around me tightly and kisses me on my lips. His mouth tastes like toothpaste and chewing gum. He must've brushed his teeth after he did that.

"Goodnight, Joe."

"I'll text you tomorrow so we can go out again. You wanna grab a bite to eat tomorrow?"

I nod while looking at the ground.

"I enjoyed tonight, babe." He grabs my chin and pulls my head up to look at him.

"I did too."

He gives me another kiss and I kiss him back. I'm glad to know that he's not being weird about it.

I go into the house and he goes back to the car.

Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason must be asleep, because it's quiet in the house.

I lock the downstairs door and head upstairs to my room. I'm so glad Jorge isn't one of those loud dogs that barks at everyone.

I take off all my clothes and sit naked on my bed. My mind is spinning from tonight. I want to tell Dallas and I want to tell Selena. But it's late, so I just decide to let it go for the night.

I take two of the sleeping pills my aunt bought for me and take a long shower.

It's been a really long night.


	21. Explanations

_September 7, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I have so much to tell you about last night. It was truly an amazing night._

_For starters, Joe and I almost had sex. By almost, I mean we didn't really do anything. _

_After the football game, we went back to their house and at first, we got in the pool. The pool was fun, but I started to choke, which made Joe take me out of the pool. After the pool, we went to the jacuzzi. We were naked together in the jacuzzi._

_I touched him and stuff and he tried to touch me. When he tried to finger me, his fingers wouldn't go in. And then he figured I was a virgin and he wouldn't have sex with me._

_So we went to his basement to watch TV and we talked at first then he went down on me._

_It wasn't that big of a deal, but it felt really, really good. I did a lot of squirming and moaning, but then he was done. I'd like to do it again. I'm surprised that I'm not freaking out a little more. I guess I'll live, but for now, I'm still a virgin._

_In other news, I went to the doctor's with Aunt Kathy. They didn't do anything but listen to the heartbeat and tell her how the baby's developing. At the next visit, they'll be able to tell if it's a boy or a girl. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, and I really don't think I've let it set in yet that a baby will be here in a few months._

_Tomorrow, Uncle Jason is taking me with him to look at furniture for the baby's room. I'm kind of excited, but not really._

_I also think that something might be seriously wrong with me. Last night before bed, I broke down and started to cry. I don't know why I was crying. I didn't miss you or anything. And I was happy. _

_But all of a sudden, I just started crying. And I wanted to cut really bad. And I grabbed the razor blade, but then I thought about you. And for that reason, I put the blade down. I guess I'm glad that I didn't cut, but I don't know how long I'll be able to hold off. _

_Well, I had a long night, and I woke up kind of early to go to the doctors with Aunt Kathy, so I'm going to go ahead and take a nap. I love you._

_Until next time,_

_Love always, _

_Demi._

I probably should tell my aunt and uncle about my breakdown last night, but I really don't want to inconvenience them. So I'll just keep quiet about it. I don't think it's that big a deal.

I'm still really tired from last night, so I need to take a nap. But before I take a nap, I should call Dallas and tell her.

"Hey Demi." She answers right away. She sounds rather cheerful.

"I have news for you." I tell her, sounding rather enthused. She'll probably be a little mad at me about it.

"Oooh! Okay, I'm listening."

"So last night... I was over Joe's... And we did something."

"...What did you do?" She already sounds disappointed.

"Well... Two words. First word rhymes with... beat. Second word rhymes with...pout?" I don't know why "beat" and "pout" we're the first two words that came to my mind.

"...NO! NUH UH!"

"Yes..."

"SHUT UP! DEMI!"

I chuckle softly. I guess I could understand why she's surprised.

"WHY?! WHEN?! HOW?! ... WHAT?!"

"...I dunno why. It just happened. And it was good. Like...I did not think it was going to feel like that."

"Is that all you two did? You didn't do anything else?"

"No. That's all."

"...Demi."

"Dallas."

"...You better be careful. That's all. Be careful."

"I'm careful."

"...I've gotta go. My class starts in 15 minutes. You know I love you. And BE CAREFUL. Go get on some birth control if you need to. Buy some condoms. Just PROTECT yourself."

"I will, Dal. You don't have to worry about that."

"Alright. I'll call you later and we can talk some more about it."

"Alright."

We both hang up the phones and I settle in to take my nap. I am beyond tired.

Within the matter of three minutes, I have drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"Hey Demi. Wake up... Demi..."

The bed is being shaken underneath of me and I don't appreciate it. Why can't people just let me sleep?

"Two more hours." I grumble and wave my hand at whichever one of my aunt or uncle is touching me.

"You've been sleep for an hour and a half. Get up. There's someone downstairs for you." It's clearly my uncle. I could smack him.

"What do you mean someone is here for me?" I mumble into my pillow.

"One of your little friends is here. Get up." He pulls my covers off me and leaves the room.

One of my little friends? It's either Joe, Selena or Nick. Ugh.

I yawn really big and peel myself out of my bed. I'm so tired it's not funny. I might just tell whoever it is to leave me alone.

I hear footsteps coming up the steps. They're too light to be my Uncle's steps.

Into my room walks Selena. She's dressed in her bathing suit top and a pair of baggy shorts with a baseball on them. I bet their Nick's pants. "I came to see if you want to come swimming today, but if you're too tired..." She sits down on my bed.

"...I'll come. I just had a long night." I yawn and stand up from my bed. "Swimming where? Over Nick's?" I rummage through my drawers for my suit.

"No. This place that my mom works. It's a country club. Nick's not coming and Joe's at work. So it's just us."

"Oh. That doesn't seem too bad. I have some stuff to talk to you about anyway." I pull my bathing suit bottoms on.

"Stuff? Is it good stuff or bad stuff?"

"...Good bad stuff. Like...bad stuff. But it's good." I pull on a pair of shorts and grab my phone.

"...Demi? Who do you live with? I know you don't like to talk about it. But I was really wondering who they were. Didn't you say their your cousins or something?"

"Oh... No. I'll introduce you. Come on." I lead her down the steps to the living room.

"Uncle Jay? ... I'm leaving out to go swimming for a little while."

Uncle Jason is relaxing on the couch, eating a Popsicle and watching a baseball game with Jorge. "Alright, kid. Call you Aunt a little later, because I'll be leaving out too."

"Okay. And this is my friend, Selena. Selena, this is my Uncle Jason."

"Nice to meet you." Selena smiles and waves to my uncle.

Uncle Jason waves back at her. "It's nice to meet one of punk's friends."

"Okay, we have to go." I'm rushing out the door, because I don't want him to start talking to her. Then he'll never stop if he starts.

Me and Selena leave the house and go out to her mom's car which is waiting for us in the driveway.

"Hi, Miss Mandy." I say when I get in the car.

"Hi honey. Nice to see you again."

"Why is your aunt and uncle's house so nice?!" Selena asks from the front seat.

"Uh... Uncle Jason's in the military, so I guess he gets a lot of money." I shrug and look out the window as her mom drives.

"You live with your Aunt and Uncle, Demi?" Miss Mandy asks curiously.

"Yeah. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason..." I don't really mind answering questions today.

"Is your mom back in Texas still?"

I take a deep breath. Selena looks back at me and mouths "Sorry." But I give her the "it's okay" look.

"No... Um... My mom... She got cancer really bad a few months back. And she didn't make it..." I say it as nicely as possible. Cancer isn't exactly a nice thing.

"Oh, really? Oh god. That's terrible. I'm really sorry honey. I'm very sorry."

I shrug. "It's okay."

"I lost my mom young too. I know how much it sucks."

"It does suck." I agree with her.

She parks the car in a parking lot. The place is really sophisticated. It's really fancy looking too.

I get out the car with Selena.

Me and Selena walk a little far behind her mom.

"Was your mom a single mom too?" She asks me.

"Huh? No." I shake my head.

"Oh.. I just thought she was. Then why didn't you stay with your dad?"

"It's a long story."

"I'm sorry to keep asking questions. I just don't know much about you, Demi."

"It's okay. I'll explain everything in a second."

We walk through the doors of the country club. It's nice and air conditioned on the inside too.

"I'll be done with my shift in three hours. Selena, you know where everything is. Don't get into trouble." Mandy tells us. She goes behind the counter of the bar and starts working right away.

"Come on. Let's go outside and work on our tans." Selena grabs my hand and leads me outside to the pool area. There are a bunch of people at the pool, young and old.

We both sit down at a picnic table. The pool is so big, it's not funny. There's even a big water slide.

"I'll explain everything." I sit down across from Selena and cross my legs.

"Okay, I'll listen."

"Well... For starters... My mom and my real dad got a divorce when I was like.. Two or something. My dad was an asshole. He'd like... Hit my mom and my sister. But anyway." I'm Italian, so it's a habit to talk with my hands. My hands are moving as I explain. "My mom got married to Eddie. He's my stepdad. And they had my little sister, Maddie. And we were all a happy family and shit. And when I was like... 12, my mom got cancer for the first time. They caught it early and she was cool for a few years. Then she got it again and it was breast cancer that spread to her brain. It was terminal cancer. So we went broke paying for doctors and stuff. And she died four months ago. And when she died, she left custody and stuff to my older sister, Dallas. Dallas is only 20, so she couldn't really take care of us. So then the court said that Eddie could take care of Maddie but not me, because I'm not his actual daughter. So I got dumped off on my aunt and uncle. Now I'm here."

"...I'm sorry. That must really suck."

"Not as much as it used to. You, Nick and Joe make it suck a whole lot less than what it should."

She laughs. "I'm glad I could help."

I'm glad only me and Selena are here. I'm glad it's only us

"So anyway... Let's get into the juicy stuff." I change the subject because I don't want to be sad. "First off... What did you and Nick do last night?" I don't want to just drop it on her. I wanna ease into it.

"We talked and stuff. Then we went to his room and we had sex... Why?"

"I'm just wondering..."

"...What did you and Joe do? Did you two do it?"

"No." I shake my head but I'm smiling so wide.

"Then what did you guys do for two hours?"

"We talked. And then we kissed. And then... He took off my underwear..."

"AND?" She nearly climbs across the table in celebration.

"And he... Did some stuff."

"LIKE WHAT?!"

"...What you told me felt really good."

"..." She's thinking. "HE ATE IT?! NUH UH!"

"Shhhhh! You're real loud! But yeah... He did."

"OH MY GOD... And? Did you like it?"

"I loved it. Like... I wasn't expecting it. And then he just did it. And it felt... Amazing. Like... It was better than... It was better than Christmas, but not as good as my birthday."

She laughs at my analogy. "I can't believe you... I can't believe it! Why didn't you text me? While it was happening!?"

"I couldn't breathe, let alone text!"

"...What was it like? Like... Was it good? Since he's older?"

"It was fine. He like... put his tongue in. and I moaned SO loud I had to hold onto the couch. It was crazy..."

"Oh my god... You're growin up! My baby..."

"Shut up. You sound like my sister now."

"I'm so proud of you though! You two are definitely gonna fuck."

"I know."

"...Let's go get drinks to celebrate. Come on. I'll get you a Pepsi. My treat."

"I'm not thirsty..." I shake my head, still smiling.

"...Can I ask you a stupid question?" She looks down as if she's embarrassed.

"Sure..."

"Since you're from Texas... Is all you listen to country music?"

I laugh so hard and SO loud. "HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"I'm serious though! Told you it was a stupid question..."

"NO! I do like country music, but I like rap and pop and stuff. I like Lil Wayne and Flo Rida and Lady Gaga. I can Crank That Soulja Boy. I know how to Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It."

"Oh... Really? Cause I bet Nick that you didn't know who 50 cent was."

"I've heard Candy Shop before! And I like 21 Questions by him. Stop underestimating a white girl!"

She laughs. "I'm sorry! I just thought..." She laughs some more. "I was actually about to start singing the song that's playing right now but I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable."

I listen to what song is playing. It's E.I. By Nelly. Me and Dallas used to make up dances to her NOW CDs. This song was on one of the CDs.

"I know this song too, Selena. I'm not an alien."

"Well!" She laughs some more.

I start singing it, just to prove my point. "Andale, Andale, mama E.I., E.I. Uh ohhhhh what's poppin tonight..."

"I'm sorry I doubted you." She apologizes.

"It's fine. I understand your confusion. But I'm not a hick."

She laughs again.

I think it's safe to say that Selena is my best friend.


	22. Good Bad Things

"So, Demi. Why are you in Florida if your Uncle's in the navy? I thought navy brats travelled a lot..." Selena asks me.

We're both sitting poolside sipping on drinks. Everyone else out here by the pool was chatting up with their alcoholic martinis and piña coladas. Selena and I wanted to feel important too, so we got Miss Mandy to whip us up a couple Shirley Temples.

"My aunt liked Florida a lot the first time my uncle was deployed here, so she decided to stay. It's permanent placement, so she doesn't travel with him anymore." I use my tongue and play with the stem of my cherry from my drink.

"That's cool." She flips her dark, curly hair over her shoulder and leans back into the sun. Selena's so perfect it irritates me.

"So what about your family?" I ask.

"Nothing to it, really. My mom had me when she was my age, so she and my dad didn't stay together long. I live with my mom and my stepdad now."

"...Pretty simple." I nod and shrug at the same time.

"Demi? Can I tell you something? Like.. Seriously?"

"Sure..." I swish my feet in the water of the pool. I feel like such a child next to Selena. She just seems so much older than I am.

"...I'm really glad you moved here. I really am. I think you're one of the best friends I've ever had." She turns her head and looks at me.

I look back at her. "...You're.. Welcome? I guess. I don't know what to say..."

"Just say 'I love you Selena'." She laughs.

I laugh too. "I love you Selena!"

"Selena, Demi!"

Both me and Selena turn around at the same time in the direction that our names came from. Miss Mandy called us.

"What?!" Selena yells back at her.

"Come on, it's time to go!"

I pull my feet out of the water and pull my basketball shorts back on. I follow Selena back into the bar part of the country club. She puts both our glasses of Shirley Temples into a sink and we both head outside.

I climb back into the car in the same place I road in the first time.

"Turn the radio up, mom." Instead of riding in the front seat, she got in the back seat with me.

Miss Mandy listens to her and turns the radio way up. Selena starts singing right from the place the song's in.

"I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong. Your arms around me tight. Everything felt so right."

I'm not singing out loud, but I'm mouthing the words. "Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong."

"Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep... I'm barely hangin on..." Selena sings.

I can't help myself. I'm going to be a little embarrassed, but this is one of my favorite songs. So I sing aloud to the chorus with Selena.

We sing together, "Here I am! Once again! I'm torn into pieces! Can't deny it! Can't pretend! Just thought you were the one broken up deep inside... But you won't get to see the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes!" Selena doesn't stop singing whenever I join her. She just looks at me, surprised and cheerful.

I'm not that embarrassed to blurt out a tune in front of Selena and her mom, so I don't stop singing.

"I told you everything. Opened up and let you in... You made me feel alright for once in my life. Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be... So together but so broken up inside."

"...I didn't know you could sing, Demi." Miss Mandy comments from the front.

"...I can't." I mumble.

"You sound pretty good to me. You take voice lessons?"

"No..."

"Someone should get you into voice lessons. You're a good little singer."

Who is she kidding? I'm an awful singer. The only singing experience I have is singing in the car or in the kitchen with my mom and singing in church choir a few years ago. That's all.

I'm a terrible singer. Miss Mandy is just being nice.

"Are you gonna come over for dinner, honey?"

"Uh... I guess. I have to call my aunt."

"Can she stay over tonight muh? We'll sleep outside." Selena leans up in her ear and asks.

"She can sleep over if she wants to, Selena. You know I don't mind."

"Do you want to stay over my house Demi?"

"Um... Yeah. But I have to ask..." I pull my phone from my pocket and call Aunt Kathy.

Miss Mandy turns the radio down so I can hear.

"Yes, Demi?" Aunt Kathy answers the phone. She sounds tired.

"Aunt Kathy? ...Can I sleep over my friend's house tonight? Please?"

"I don't mind, Demi. You know I don't mind. As long as her mom says it's okay."

"She does. She doesn't mind. Um... I guess I'll be home in a few minutes to get some jammies."

"Alright. The door's already open."

"Okay."

* * *

"Sorry about my room. It's a little messy." Selena leads me down a long hallway to a lime green door with a sparkly blue "S" hanging on the outside.

Her house is really nice. Everything is on one floor except for her basement. As soon as you walk into the front door, there's a mini flight of carpeted steps with a black railing. Up the steps is the living room, kitchen, dining room, bathrooms and bedrooms. If you want to go to the basement, walk straight and don't come up the steps when you walk through the door. Walk straight down another flight of steps. The layout of the house is really cool.

"It's fine. My room's a mess too." I assure her.

She opens the door to her room. Her room is nice too. Everything is various shades of green. Her bedspread is light green with white polka dots on it. The thing I like most about her room is the corkboard hanging beside her bed. I want a corkboard.

"It's nice in here." I sit down on her bed. It's not even that messy. There's just clothes everywhere.

"It's not as nice as your room." She's picking up all the clothes off the floor. "I'm gonna ask Nick and Joe to come over a little later."

"Joe? I'm not dressed for that!" I look so horrible right now, it's not funny.

"I don't think Joe cares about what you wear." She turns on her big TV and turns on the MTV music channel.

"I hope you're right." I look at the TV, and the Crank That video is on. I know how to do this dance, hehe.

"I wish I knew how to do the Soulja Boy. I'm clueless." Selena shakes her head.

"...I could teach you, if you want. It's actually kind of easy." I shrug.

"You actually know how!?"

"I told you I do... Here. Get up."

She stands up. I can't really explain this to her, so she'll probably just have to watch and learn.

I wait for the chorus to come on and then I do the dance. She mirrors my movements and it doesn't look that bad.

"It's like...cross your feet. Then uncross them. After you uncross, touch your back foot. then snap. Like this." I snap my fingers and she does it too.

"Okay, it's a lot easier than it looks." She laughs.

"Then you cross and uncross your feet again. And hit your knee. Then do the superman thing." I show her some more.

"Then the little dance at the end?" She guesses next.

"Yeah. Now try it with the music."

We wait for the chorus to come back around, and then we both do it.

"Bam. You got it." I clap for her and laugh a little.

"Shut up, Demi." She laughs too. "How can you dance? You're so..." She stops herself before the last word.

"I'm so what? So white?"

"No, not white." She laughs again. "Just... From Texas."

"I told you I'm not a hick." I sit back down on her bed.

"But you can dance so good!"

"My sister taught me." Dallas used to take hip hop dance class before we couldn't afford it anymore. She was so good that she was assistant choreographer.

"I have to take you to a party or something. Next weekend is Alex's 17th birthday party. You HAVE to come with me.

"Uh... Okay." I shrug.

"Do you smoke and drink?"

More embarrassing things... "...No. Not really. I've never really... Smoked before. I've drank, but only on like... Holidays with my mom and dad."

"WHAT?!"

"I told you I don't do anything!"

She shakes her head at me. "Just hold on." She grabs her cell phone and presses a couple buttons.

I swing my feet over the side of her bed. I feel like such a little dope. I'm so innocent, I hate it.

"Babe... You wanna come over later? It's just me and Demi. If Joe can, bring him too. Yeah, Demi's staying the night. I don't know... Probably." She must be on the phone with Nick.

I'm so innocent. Why do I have to be a first timer with everything? It's so annoying. My god.

"I'll ask. But uh... bring a little of your stash. Yeah... She won't care. No... He's at work. Because Demi never has." She laughs hard. "I know, right?"

I feel my cheeks turn red. "Selena? Can I use the bathroom real quick?" I whisper, trying not to interrupt.

"Right down the hall." She says.

I just don't want to cry in front of her. I step down from her bed and walk down the hall to the bathroom. I cry a little bit when I get in the bathroom. I'm just mad at myself because I'm such a little kid. How could anyone have fun with me?

Before I leave the bathroom, I dab my eyes with toilet paper. Not to mention, the bathroom is really nice. It's blue with a dolphin theme to it. Even the toilet paper has dolphins on it. I'd feel bad wiping my ass with such nice toilet paper.

I walk back to Selena's room. I won't cry anymore.

"Do you want to take a shower before the boys come over?" She asks me as soon as I walk back into the room.

"...Yeah." I nod. I probably smell like pool water.

"Okay, here. Use my bathroom. I'll shower in the other bathroom." She leads me into another room. Her bathroom is green too.

"Here's a washrag and a towel. Soap's in the shower and so is my shampoo. Do you use Suave?"

"...No. I use stuff that comes in a purple bottle. My aunt buys it..."

She leans down and turns the water on for me. "Purple bottle? Does it have a kangaroo on it?"

I nod.

"Must be Aussie. That shit's expensive, but it works miracles." She stands up again. "When you're done, just come into my room. The door will be locked, so no one will come in and see you."

"Okay. Thanks."

She leaves the room and locks the door behind her.

I take off my bathing suit and step into the shower. Her shower is really nice. It's really fancy with a glass door. My shower at Aunt Kathy's has a glass door too, though.

I grab some of her shampoo and use it anyway. I wash my hair real good and condition it too. Then I wash my body. I take about 15 minutes, then I get out.

I wrap the towel she gave me around my body, gather up my clothes and go back out into her room. She's not in here, so she must not be done yet.

Very carefully, I drop my towel and dry my body off. I got a pretty nice tan today. But it's in the shape of my bikini. My butt is really pale compared to the golden complexion of the rest of my tanned body. My boobs are also really light too.

When I'm all dried off, I grab my skimpy black bra from my bag and the matching lace underwear. I fasten my bra and pull on my underwear.

Just then, Selena walks back in. She has a towel wrapped around her head and a purple bra and the matching underwear on. "Did I get a bad tan?" She asks.

I look at her. "It's not bad. It looks good."

"Yours looks better. Gah, Demi. Your body is perfect. Your hair, your tan. SHARE SOME PERFECTION!"

"I'm not perfect, Selena. Believe that."

"I love your stomach. It's so pretty with your belly ring."

I shrug and pull on a pair of tie-dye shorts. The shorts are REALLY short, but who cares. I pull on a bright orange t-shirt too. The t-shirt was one of my old school's. Our mascot was a rocket. The Colleyville Rockets. What a joke, right?

"Do you ever miss it back at your old school?" Selena puts on a pair of shorts shorter than mine and a tank top.

"Not really. Nobody paid attention to me." I use my brush that I packed and brush my hair out. I put it into a french braid while it's still damp. I'll take it out later.

Selena's hair is so poofy and curly. I think it's beautiful.

"Let's go see what my mom made to eat." She doesn't even bother combing her hair out. She just walks out the room. I follow her.

"Oh, hey Brian. This is my friend, Demi." She greets a young looking man who's sitting on the couch. "Demi, this is my step dad."

"Nice to meet you." I say. I follow Selena into the kitchen. Selena's parents must be really young. As young as Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason. Because Selena's step dad is playing rap music while he's playing a game on a gaming system.

"Finally, you brought someone new home." He teases Selena.

"Sorry about him. He thinks he's younger than what he is." She grabs two bowls from the cabinet and hands me one.

I like the song he's listening to. My uncle plays the same kind of music and I've heard this song a couple times when he's played it.

"You know this song, Demi?" She grabs two cans of Coke out the fridge too.

I nod. "Mhm. My uncle likes this song. I don't know what it's called though." I could sing it though. "This is the life of a go gettaaaaaa." I laugh.

Selena laughs too. "Damn right I'm a go gettaaaaaa." She hands me a fork. "You like chicken adobo?" She puts a spoon into a big pot of something. It smells good.

"I've never had it..."

"NEVER? Oh my god, it's so good. It's like...chicken, onions, soy sauce, brown sugar... It's so good."

I'll try anything once. And I'm pretty hungry. So I let Selena fill my bowl up with it. It's brown with big pieces of chicken in it. It looks like soup.

"Demi, if you don't like that honey, just tell Selena to make you some pizza rolls or something. You don't have to eat it." Miss Mandy comes into the kitchen.

"It's okay. I'll try it." I sit down next to Selena at her kitchen table.

"Mom, can Nick stay over? And his brother?" I can't believe she just asked that. She has balls.

"Not tonight, Selena. Demi's here and..."

"Demi and Nick are friends, mom. Come on. We'll sleep outside... With the door open. And the lights on."

"...Keep the door OPEN, Selena. Don't make me regret it."

"I won't. Me and Nick always sleep with the door open. And you and Brian have to check on us a billion times during the night. Plus, Demi's here so nothing will happen."

I don't say anything. This chicken stuff is actually really good. Or maybe I'm just really hungry.

"That's the point, Selena. I don't want you and Nick leaving Demi out."

"We wouldn't, mom. Nick's brother is coming over too, and he's older so he won't let anything happen either."

Selena's a very convincing liar. Very. I almost believe her myself.

"I don't care, Selena." Miss Mandy just shrugs. "Demi, if they mistreat you let me know. I'm being serious, too. I know how Selena and Nick can be together."

"I will..." I take a drink of my Coke and push my empty bowl away. I'm full.

Selena collects my dishes and puts them in the sink.

"I'll show you where we'll be sleeping." She motions for me to follow her again.

I get up and walk with her. "I gotta be honest. I'm not really feeling on this whole sleeping outside thing..."

Selena laughs. "It's cool, Demi. It's not outside, outside. I'll show you." She leads me throw sliding glass doors and we're outside on a deck.

Her deck is really, really big. It's all wooden and it's really clean. There's a large TV off in one corner with a Nintendo Wii hooked up to it. There's even a bed off to the corner. It's a water bed and it's huge. It looks really comfy with piles and piles of blankets on it. And it's closed in. There's a glass roof over it and glass walls to it. Its kind of like a greenhouse attached to her house. It's really nice out here. I don't mind sleeping out here anymore.

"It's not that bad out here. Me and Nick sleep out here all the time.

"It won't be that bad..." I agree with her.

Suddenly, a bunch of loud, boisterous barks come from all around. I jump at the sudden noise.

"They're just my dogs. They're not allowed out when I have company because they jump on people." Selena flops down on the water bed.

I flop down too. "How many do you have?"

"Four."

"FOUR?!"

"I'm an only child. I gotta have some company." She flicks through the channels on the TV that's mounted to the side of the house.

"I'd love it out here if I lived here." I sigh dreamily.

"I spend more time out here than I do in my room." She stands up on the water bed and turns on a light. It's getting dark outside which means it's dark in the little greenhouse room.

"I would too."

"What's your favorite color, Demi?"

That was random. "I like yellow..."

"Favorite food?"

"Chinese food. And I like eggs too."

"Sorry for the random questions. I still just feel like you're a little Martian. I don't know anything about you. You don't seem like you like much of anything."

"That's not true. I'm just... Simple." I shrug. "I like turtles. I think they're cute. Finding Nemo is the best movie ever. I like reading and drawing. I love music... I'm not a Martian."

"I'm more of a Lion King, Madagascar kind of girl." She chuckles.

I laugh too.

The sliding glass door opens again. Through it walks Nick. He's wearing baggy basketball shorts and a cutoff shirt. I don't see Joe behind him. He must've had to work. I sigh.

"The fun has arrived!" Nick says when he comes outside. I roll my eyes.

"Hey babe." Selena gives him a kiss on his lips and he sits down next to her.

Looks like I'll just be sitting here all night. At least I'm not home, I guess.

Next to me, the water bed moves up abruptly which scares the shit out of me. I look up.

"Was your phone off all day?" He's laying down next to me. He just made my entire night.

"No..." I'm smiling softly. "Which way did you come in? I didn't see you come through the door..."

"I came in the other way. I wanted to surprise you." He sits up and faces me. "Hello, beautiful."

I lean in and give him a kiss. "Hello." I smile at him.

"You're so gorgeous." He pushes me back and lies on top of me, between my legs. We're nose to nose.

"Tonight?" I ask him. I rest my hands on his lower back and look him in his eyes.

"Not tonight, love. Soon, though."

I sigh softly. "Okay..." I rub his back.

He presses his lips to my collarbone. "I'll do what I did last night again though. If you want to..."

I shake my head. "It's okay."

"Why not? Didn't you like it?" He presses his pelvis deeper into mine, and our privates are resting against each other's. He's driving me crazy.

"No, I loved it. I just... Don't want you to do it again. I'll feel bad. That can't... Taste good, you know? And two nights in a row? It's okay."

He laughs softly and kisses my lips again. "If it didn't taste good, I wouldn't offer to do it again, baby." He gives me yet another soft kiss. "But thanks for being concerned."

He gets off me and sits beside me with his arm around my waist.

"Are we gonna smoke this or what?" Nick holds up a small bag of green stuff. I feel a little bit sick all of a sudden.

"We have to smoke it on the trampoline so my mom doesn't smell it." Selena stands up from the water bed and opens up the door to the greenhouse.

I stand up and follow all of them down a couple steps, into Selena's backyard. She doesn't have a pool, but there's a really big trampoline.

Joe walks behind me to the trampoline. I feel really sick.

Before I know it, we're all sitting on her trampoline. Nick zips the net back up when we're all sitting down. I lean back against Joe.

All I do is watch while he takes the green stuff out of the bag and puts it in a long, brown strip of paper. He rolls it up and Selena supplies the lighter.

"Demi's never smoked before, so we'll let her go last." Selena says. She lights it up. It kind of smells good while it burns, but maybe I'm just tripping. I don't think I want to smoke.

"No. She's not smoking. I don't want her to." Joe pulls me closer to him and holds me tight.

"Stop being her dad and loosen up." Nick says to him.

"She's never smoked before, I don't want her to get sick!"

"Let her hit it, Joe. It's just a little weed. Wouldn't you rather her get high with us then some random people?" Selena passes the blunt to Nick. Nick takes a long, hard drag.

"If you feel sick, let me know baby." Joe says to me. He kisses my cheek.

I nod. I already feel sick.

Nick passes the blunt to Joe when he's done with it. Joe takes a drag like a professional.

I don't want to be the only one not high, so I'll try it.

When Joe's done with it, he holds it in front of my face.

"Hit it like a cigarette. But inhale. Like you're doing an inhaler." Selena instructs.

I put my lips on it and inhale it. I inhale until I can't inhale anymore.

"Hold it in..." Joe puts his hand in front of my mouth so I don't blow out.

I don't feel any different yet.

"Let it out." Joe moves his hand.

I blow it out.

I cough slightly, but I'm okay.

Joe hands the blunt back to Selena and the rotation starts all over again.

When it gets back to me, I hold it, inhale it and blow it out all on my own.

I still don't feel any different.

The rotation goes around and gets to me again.

I inhale. I hold it in for 15 seconds. Then blow it out.

My eyes feel like they're shut, but I can see perfectly.

"You feel any different, Demi?" Nick asks me, goofy smile spread all across his face.

I shake my head. Then all of a sudden, I burst out laughing. Nothing's funny, but something is hilarious.

"Are you sure you don't feel different?" Selena laughs at me and accuses me of lying with her tone.

I just fall back, hysterically laughing. "I could go for some fucking cheetos."

"It's the munchies, babe." Joe laughs at me too.

"No, I really want some cheetos. And a big ass bowl of cereal." I keep cracking up and I don't know why.

"You're funny as hell when you're high." Selena laughs again.

Nick's rolling up another blunt. I want to smoke some more.

Am I really high?

"How much fun do you think it'd be to fuck on a trampoline?" I lie flat on my back and open my legs so wide I might as well be doing a split.

Selena laughs HARD. "WE SHOULD TOTALLY TRY IT, NICK!"

I laugh some more. "I WOULD! I FUCKING WOULD!" This is the most fun I've had in a long time.

"Here." Joe hands me another blunt. His eyes are really red. Mine probably are too.

I take it and I inhale. This time, I don't even cough. I blow it out.

"Ash it, babe." Joe says.

I tap on it to flick the ash off, take another hit and then pass it.

"Let's play truth or dare again." Selena laughs hard. So hard she's crying.

Nick laughs too. He coughs and passes the blunt back to Joe. "Joe, truth or dare." He says between coughs.

Joe just has a permanent smile across his face. "Truth."

"Is it true that you and Demi fucked already?"

"That would be false." He laughs so hard at his answer. "Selena, truth or dare."

"Dare. Dare, dare dare."

I'm hitting the blunt again.

"I dare you to give Nick an LD. Right here. Right now."

"That's pussy stuff." She gets up and literally starts shaking her ass all over Nick. He seems to be enjoying it.

I'm just having a good ass time, to be honest.

"Demi, truth or dare, bitch?" Selena hasn't even stopped her dare before she moves on to mine.

"DARE. And nothing PG. keep it rated R." I'm literally just saying so much bullshit right now.

"I DARE YOU... To... Kiss Joe."

"That's PG!" I laugh so hard it's not even funny.

"AND... ANDDDD!" She laughs and keeps shaking her ass on Nick. "You have to dry-fuck him while kissing him."

Without hesitation, I push Joe down so that he's lying down on the trampoline and I straddle him, making sure I'm aligned with what's below his waist. I lean down and kiss him so deep, I practically stick my tongue down his throat. All of a sudden, I'm really horny. It must be the weed.

He doesn't let me go, though. He kisses me back just as deep and just as hard. Our tongues are smashing together HARD.

While I'm kissing him, I move all around below. Grinding on him so hard that I'm wet and I can feel that he's hard. Damn it, I want him so badly.

"WOOOOO!" Nick screams.

"GET IT!" Selena claps.

I pull away from him.

"Are you sure you're a virgin?" Joe asks, completely out of breath.

"I'm good with my hips." I smile back at him.

"Who are you telling?" He grabs my hips tight and pulls me down on his boner some more. I want to fuck him so badly.

"Would you two like a moment?" Selena interrupts.

I stick my middle finger up at her and keep my attention on Joe.

"Take as long as you need to!" Nick laughs some more.

I ignore him and keep doing what I'm doing with Joe. I'm moving my hips the same way I would if I were dancing.

"Damn..." He mutters in my ear.

"What?" I move on and start kissing his neck.

"You really know how to make me want to break my promise..."

"What promise?"

"The promise that I won't fuck you yet."

"Promises are made to be broken."

"If I broke my promise right now, We'd have to go to a sound-proof room." He slides his hands down both my shorts and underwear and rubs my bare ass.

"Why is that?" I keep kissing his neck and grinding all over his hard-on.

"Because I'll have you screaming to the high heavens."

"I'm not complaining about that."

"You'll never complain. Trust me." He moves his hands to the front part of me. This time, his finger slides right in. And I don't even care that I moan.

"Mmmm..." I hate this sexual tension.

"You're dripping..." He kisses my neck and digs his finger deeper. I grab onto his arms to bare with it.

"Uhhhhh... I know... Mmmmm..."

"I wanna taste it..." He whispers to me, pushing every single inch of his finger inside of my body.

"...then taste it." I should flirt ALL the time whenever I'm high. I get so dirty, what happened to me.

"Believe me, I will." He slides another one of his fingers in me.

"Ooooohhhh..." I dig my fingers into his arms.

I'm thinking about doing something. I'm fearless as hell right now.

"You know what they always say..." He kisses below my ear and wiggles his fingers. He's driving me crazy.

"What do th...ey say?" I'm stuttering through my words.

"Virgin pussy is the best pussy."

Fuck it, I'm doing it. I should get high all the time. I like how I feel right now.

I push his hand away and he pulls his fingers out. I kiss him again on the lips and go down to the waistband of his shorts.

I go inside and pull him out of his shorts. And I put my mouth on it.

It's warm, hard and it tastes like salt and soap.

"Demi..."

I ignore him calling my name and work my lips and tongue down his incredible length.

What... Am I doing?

I'm actually giving a boy head. Oh my god. I MUST be high.

I got high and gave head for the first time.

I suck hard on the tip of his dick like it's a lollipop. It doesn't taste bad. It doesn't taste good either.

He reaches down and rubs my head, tangling his fingers all through my hair.

This is bad...

This is very bad.

But I love it.


	23. Calling

"You know you didn't have to do that, right?" He whispers to me.

After I'm done doing what I've just done, I'm lying on his chest just resting. It sounds pathetic, but my throat hurts. I think I must've done something wrong. I don't think my throat is supposed to be sore.

"I wanted to." I assure him. I really did want to. I'm not lying. I think that if I has thought about it more before I did it, I would've probably chickened out. I acted on impulse to do it, but it's okay. I'm glad I did it.

"Don't do it again." He pulls me closer to him and rubs my lower back.

"...Was it bad? I'm sorry. I won't do it anymore." My cheeks turn bright pink and I feel über embarrassed.

"No, babe. I loved it. It was amazing. I just don't want you to feel like you have to." He turns towards me and kisses my lips softly.

The sexual tension between us is still burning strong and it's unwavering. I can't wait to just do it already.

"It's fine. I really wanted to." I nestle my head deeper into his chest and lie there.

He places his hand on my butt and massages it. "You've really never done that before?"

I shake my head. "You're the first. You're my first everything so far."

"I love being first." He snickers and kisses my lips again.

I kiss him back. "We should probably get off this trampoline, huh?" I look off to the side where Nick and Selena were. They got off to do their own thing on the bed up on the patio.

"We don't have to get off. I like it here. It's nice just you and me." He squeezes my butt hard.

"Are we just gonna lay here? Or do you have something planned for me?" I say flirtatiously, kissing on his neck again.

"How many times do I have to tell you that we're not having sex tonight?"

I sigh hard and irritably. "Whatever." I stop kissing his neck and sit up, forcing his hand off my butt. I stand up on the trampoline and go to the zipper part so that I can get out.

"Demi, what are you doing?" He sits up too. His tone is annoyed.

"I'm leaving. If you don't want to touch me, I'm not gonna sit here. I'm going to get something to eat." I unzip the trampoline.

"Sit back down, Demi." He says, as if he's talking to a little kid.

"No... I'm leaving."

"Get back in here, Demi."

My legs are dangling over the side of the trampoline as I prepare to jump down. "For what?"

Suddenly, he gets up and walks towards me, making the trampoline bounce heavily as he walks. He grabs both my arms tight.

"Let me go, Joe. I'm leaving." I pull away from him, but it's useless.

He shows off how strong he is by dragging me back into the trampoline and throwing me down. He doesn't hurt me. It's rather fun.

"Stay in here and talk to me." He lies down on top of me, between my legs. He rests his head between my boobs.

"Why would I stay in here and let you rub all over me if you don't want to sleep with me? I don't want to be teased." My tone is hard and full of frustration.

"Why is having sex so important to you? Can't you just be satisfied with what we've done?"

"I am satisfied."

"No you're not. You're being a little brat about it. You don't know how to accept no."

"WHY no? WHY? Is it because I'm a virgin? What is it?"

"Because I said no, Demi. Stop being a bitch. I didn't say never. I said no. Not tonight."

"I'm not being a bitch. I just want to know why you'll give me oral, let me give you oral and then turn around and finger me, but you won't have sex with me."

"Because I don't WANT to have sex with you right now."

"I knew it."

"You knew what?"

"That you just didn't want to." I shrug. "You could've told me the truth. It's not the first time I've been turned down. I'm just... not appealing, I guess."

"...You think you don't appease me? You think I don't want to? Believe me, Demi. I want to, babe. I want to tear your ass UP. But just... Not right now. It's not you. You're sexy. You're beautiful. You're hot. You're unbelievably gorgeous. It's not you..."

"Then what is it?" I sigh again.

"I want your first time to be very special. I don't have an STD or anything, babe. I just want your first time to be really special. I want you to remember your first time. I want your first time to be in a bed, not on a couch or a trampoline. I want to take my time. I don't want to be rushed. I want to be able to hold you when we're finished. I want to be able to take a shower with you when we're finished. I don't want to have to worry about what time to have you home." He sweeps my hair away from my face. "Above everything else, I don't want to hurt you. And if I do hurt you, I want to hold you until the hurt is gone. It's not just sex to me, Demi. It's your virginity. It's your...purity. Once it's gone, I can't give it back to you. And I'm not going to just...steal it from you. I'm sorry if you can't understand that...but I'm not having sex with you. Not tonight."

"...Okay." I tangle my hands through his nicely cut hair and kiss his lips. I'm crying, but it's not because I'm sad or anything.

"You're so beautiful." He says to me. He leans down and kisses my forehead. "Your dad must've had to beat boys away with sticks back in Texas, huh?"

"...Not exactly." I shake my head.

He rests his head on my chest again. "What do you mean not exactly?"

"Boys didn't really pay attention to me back at home. I was always one of the ugly girls..."

"You're not ugly. Don't think that way, babe." He holds my hand tightly.

I hold his hand just as tight and keep quiet.

"Does your dad know about me?" He asks.

"Uhh..." It's kind of pointless to lie to him, so I don't even bother. "No... He doesn't know..."

"You haven't told him? I told my mom yesterday. She thinks you're beautiful."

"I haven't told him..."

"What about your mom?"

"No..."

"Why not, baby? Would they be angry with you?"

"Probably not..." I'm actually surprised that Nick hasn't said anything to him about my parents. Then again, I don't think Nick knows either. I think Selena might be the only one that does.

"I think you should tell them, babe. We're getting pretty serious, huh?"

"I can't tell them..." I mumble.

"Why not?"

"...Because I don't even live with them." My heart is starting to hurt. I wish I felt like I did earlier today when I told Miss Mandy and Selena my story. I didn't even want to cry then. I want to cry now

"You don't live with your parents? What the hell?" He pops his head up off my chest fast and looks at me.

"No... I don't live with them..." I shake my head. The tears are gonna come.

"You live by yourself? That's illegal, Demi. You need to have someone there with you. That's not right..." He shakes his head fast as if he doesn't approve.

I don't say anything. If I open my mouth again, tears are gonna pour. Just a minute ago, I felt fine. I'm a mess now.

"You don't live alone, do you?"

I shake my head slowly, looking down. I'm sitting Indian-style now, with my legs crossed.

"...Do you need to talk about it?" He switches the tone of his voice in an instant. Now he's soft, careful with me.

I shrug. I don't really want to talk about it tonight.

"...If you need to let it out, I'm here for you, baby. You know that..." He grabs me and lets me lean on him.

I feel so detached. Like my mind is in the air, rummaging through every scary thought I've ever had in my life. It's a scary thing. It used to happen all the time before mom took me to see a doctor.

"I'll listen if you need to talk..."

I can't bring myself to say anything else. I'm so far out of my mind that I honestly forget what he's talking about.

I need to go home. I need to be alone when I feel this way. It's better if I'm alone physically, because I'm already mentally alone when I feel like this. I'm sure Joe's still talking to me, but I can't hear anything. I don't remember how to have fun right now.

Absentmindedly, I get up from the cross-legged position I was in. Joe calls my name, but I block him out.

I walk back over to the unzipped entrance of the trampoline and hop down. I walk barefoot back to the patio. Joe's still calling my name, rushing to catch up with me. I'm just walking. I'm not running. I think he's afraid to grab me again.

I walk up the steps to the patio and open the glass door. I shut it behind me.

Nick and Selena are watching a movie. I think it's porn, but I don't care enough to look.

Past them, I walk into the door of Selena's house. It's dark inside. Everyone must be asleep.

I remember my way back to Selena's bathroom and I barricade myself inside, locking the door to complete it.

I need my mom right now. I need her so badly. She knows what to do when I act like this. She knows...

I grab my phone from the pocket of my shorts and tap the contact that says "mom." It calls her. I hold my phone to my ear as it rings.

It just keeps ringing and ringing until finally, an automated voice talks. "The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service."

It always says that. Every time I call her... That's what it says.

Slowly, I put my phone on the floor next to me, and I finally cry.

My tears are soft and they roll down my cheeks and collect in puddles on my arms. My heart feels like it's beating fast... a little too fast.

I curl up into a ball next to the toilet and lie down.

I'm sorry, but I'm slipping.

Nonchalantly, I grab my earring from my ear and examine the rounded but sharp tip of it.

I press it hard into the soft skin of my palm and I know it's in when I hear a noise, similar to the crunch of breaking a bone. "Ahhh..." I whimper. It hurts so bad.

I move my hand off the earring.

There it is, plunged into my wrist. The blood trickles down and collects in the bend of my arm. Once I see the blood, I pull the earring out of my newest gash. "Mmmmmm..." It didn't come out easily. I really had to pull.

The blood is so deep red that it could be purple.

I really need my mom... She always knew what to say to keep me from doing this.

So did the doctor.

I don't want to go back to the doctor, but I think I need to. I didn't like the doctor, but mom told me it was necessary for me to "get better." Apparently, I was really sick.

I don't want to burden Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jason with the new baby coming, so I won't tell them about the doctor. I won't tell them about this.

I won't tell anybody about this.

I feel like I bother everyone with it, and it's not that serious.

That's why mom couldn't go to her doctor sooner, because she was busy with my doctor.

I pick myself up off the floor and sigh deeply. I wish my mom was still here. She was the only one that knew when I was feeling bad.

I wash my arm and wrist off with cold water. My wrist isn't bleeding too bad anymore, so I grab my phone, shut off the light and leave the bathroom.

I want to go to sleep. Before I do anything too drastic.

I'm not trying to kill myself, but at this point, I really wouldn't care if I did.

When I'm feeling like this, I try so hard to find any reason to live. I wanted to live to see my Aunt Kathy's baby.

But it's sad whenever I can't find a reason anymore.


	24. What's Wrong?

_September 12, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Sorry I haven't written to you in a long time. I haven't really been able to find the strength to. Even right now, I don't know if I'm strong enough to write. But I don't want you to think that I've forgotten about you, so I'm writing right now. It's been what, three days? _

_So anyway, things have gotten really bad. I can't find purpose anymore, mom and it's really bugging me._

_I don't want to tell Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jason how bad it's gotten, because I don't want to kill their joy or anything. _

_I've started cutting again. I'm really sorry that I didn't keep my promise, but sometimes I feel so frustrated and and so angry and fed up inside that I have to. I'm not proud that I do it. _

_I stayed over Selena's house on Saturday. I got high for the first time too. It was a really nice feeling, but it made my head hurt so bad that I wanted to cry. Getting high was actually really fun, but it made me feel kind of hungry. Selena said that I should get high with her more often._

_I'm not sure if I told you, but I almost had sex with Joe on Saturday. We were just kissing and stuff, but then he told me no. And I was just happy to be with him at first, but then I got really sad and I don't know why. I think it was because he asked about you. I didn't tell him that you're in heaven. I just went in the bathroom and cried until I felt well enough to go to sleep. _

_On Sunday, I went shopping with Uncle Jason. We didn't buy much, because we're not sure what the baby's gender is yet, so we just bought little stuff, like a white crib and a white changing table. After shopping, I came home and went to bed. I took six of those sleeping pills that Aunt Kathy bought for me and I went to sleep at 4:00 and didn't wake back up until it was time for school._

_School on Monday was this big drag. Nick wasn't in school, so me and Selena stuck with each other all day. I realized that I didn't talk to Selena much on Monday. I'm not talking to any of my friends much anymore. Not even Joe. I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear._

_Tuesday, I don't know what went on. I was in school, but I wasn't mentally in school. I don't know where my mind goes when it wonders. It just goes, and I can't stop it. I don't even realize anything. _

_Today in school, I really tried to concentrate on my schoolwork and interact with my friends. The schoolwork part was easy, but the friends part was not. I forgot that Cody even existed, but today in art class he burned me with a hot glue gun. I think he's still mad at me for turning him down, but I'm too...detached to actually care. I have a real nice burn mark on my arm, but whatever. It's nothing compared to the marks I have on my wrist._

_I don't think I'm going to go to school tomorrow. I think I need a day off. _

_I also think that I need to see the doctor again, which really fucking sucks. I don't want to see the doctor, because it won't be the same doctor._

_I don't think I'm sick, I just get a little sad sometimes. _

_I'm going to go now, because I want to eat some dinner and go back to sleep for the night. I know that I just wine up from a nap, but sleep is the only place that I can get away. _

_I love you._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

It's probably like 7:30 already, and I'm ready to just go to sleep. I already took a shower and everything.

I get up from my computer chair and grab my laptop. I've literally been so detached from reality that I forgot I have a Facebook.

I click on the Facebook icon and log in. I have three notifications.

I check them. Dallas liked my status and Selena and Joe both wrote on my wall.

I click to see the posts they made.

Joe wrote: Text me whenever you can.

Selena wrote: Call me ASAP!

I sigh and log off. I grab my phone. I've had it turned off since I came home today. I push the power button and wait for it to come back on.

I'll call Selena before I text Joe.

I click Selena's contact and call her. I don't really feel like talking.

"Demi!" Selena answers the phone.

She's so loud.

"What?" I mumble. I'm really not in the mood.

"Guess what I found out today..."

"What?" My voice is so boring and monotonous.

"I found out why Cody goes to therapy."

"...huh?" I completely missed whatever she just said.

"Cody..."

"What about him?"

"I found out why he goes to therapy twice a week in school."

"Oh... Why?"

"He told Nick that he goes because when he was a freshman, he dated this one girl named Blaire and he hit her and stuff and threatened to kill her."

"...Really?" I don't want to sound rude, but I seriously don't care.

"Yeah. So like... Be glad that you didn't date him." She laughs slightly.

I don't laugh. My end of the phone is dead silent.

"So what's wrong with you? Are you feeling sick?"

"No... Why?"

"Because... I don't know... Ever since Saturday at my house, you've been acting really... Weird. Like... Ignoring me."

"I'm not ignoring you."

"Yes you are, Demi..."

"Selena, no I'm not. I called you...didn't I?"

"...You've been ignoring Joe too. He thinks he upset you."

"I haven't been ignoring him either."

"Demi, yes you have. You've been ignoring all of us. Today's the first time you've said more than three words to me since Saturday."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay...its just... weird."

"I'm sorry."

"Okay. Well... I'm gonna go now. I have to take a shower. I'll see you tomorrow in school?"

"...yeah." I lie to her. I don't know why I lie, I just do. I think I lie, because it's easier than to explain that I won't be in school tomorrow.

"Okay." She hangs up on me.

I feel bad, but I can't do anything about how she feels. I don't mean to ignore her, but I can't help it. I just don't feel like talking.

Suddenly, my door swings open. I whip my head around fast to see who it is.

"Demi... Come eat dinner." My Aunt Kathy sounds really annoyed with me.

"Okay..." I sigh.

"I've been calling you for the past ten minutes, what's the matter with you?"

"I didn't hear you..."

"I was screaming your name, Demi. What do you mean you didn't hear me?"

"I just... Didn't hear you." I shrug.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but you better fix it."

"...what?"

"WHAT is the matter with you?!" She stomps her foot, demanding an answer from me.

"NOTHING is wrong with me!"

"That's a load of bullcrap, Demi. These past few days you've even acting really ignorant. I don't think your attitude."

"What are you talking about?!" I feel so bad about yelling at her, but so what.

"This attitude you've got going on! I ask you a question, you make me ask it five damn times before you answer me?! You haven't been eating!" She yells right back at me. "Are you doing some kind of drug that you won't tell me about? What is it, Demi?!"

"...I'm not doing drugs. Nothing is wrong with me. Just leave me alone."

"If something's bothering you, you need to tell me. And that's all I'm going to say about that." She turns around sharply and walks out of my room.

Okay, so maybe something is wrong with me.

I don't even notice that I'm acting different, but apparently I am. I just don't feel... Right.

I don't feel sick. I don't feel sick at all. I just don't feel... Right? If that makes sense.

I guess I'll call Joe before I eat.

I click his contact. I'm REALLY not in the mood to talk.

"...Hello?" Joe answers the phone. He sounds apprehensive.

"Hi..."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad at you."

"Oh... Okay. Are you free tomorrow? Right after school?"

"I'm not going to school."

"Baby, are you sick?"

"No."

"Then why aren't you going to school?"

"I need a break."

"Oh... Are you gonna be alone tomorrow?"

"Probably... My aunt has to go do some things and my uncle has to work."

"Then I'll come pick you up tomorrow. I have a surprise for you."

"...okay." I murmur.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah..."

"Alright. Miss you babe."

"You too."

"I'll see you later."

"See you."

We both hang up and I get off my bed to go downstairs and eat.

I round the corner and start down the spiral staircase. On my way downstairs, I hear my aunt and uncle talking. I stop and listen.

My aunt is crying...

"She's been through a lot, Katherine. It's not your fault."

"I just want her to be happy. You should've seen her upstairs, Jason. She was so upset. I could see it in her eyes."

"She just lost her mother, Kathy. Not her cousin. Not her grandmother. Her MOTHER."

"Open your eyes, she's sixteen years old! We can't just sit here and do nothing!"

"You're not her mother, Katherine. That's a void you'll never be able to fill."

"I'm not trying to fill it, Jason. I'm trying to ease some of her pain!"

I don't want them to argue. I feel so horrible right now.

I resume walking down the steps.

"She's coming." My aunt whispers to my uncle.

I round the other corner and walk downstairs to the kitchen.

I really have to stop being so... Sad.

I'll really try.

I promise.


	25. Perfect

"Demi, honey. Wake up... Time to get ready for school." My aunt taps me on my back really lightly.

I open up one eyeball. I slept really good last night. To be honest, I could probably go to school and be okay. I'm not overly tired today or anything.

"Aunt Kathy?" I say softly. I still feel really bad about making her cry yesterday.

"Yes?" She walks back over to my bed before she leaves the room.

"...I'm not going today."

"To school?"

I turn over on my back to look at her. "Yeah... I don't want to go."

"Are you sick?" She touches my forehead with the back of her hand.

"No, I'm not sick. I just... Don't want to go." I say, truthfully.

"...Are you having trouble? With...bullies? Your dad told me you used to have trouble with bullied in school... People messing with you?" She takes a seat at the edge of my bed and rubs my ankle.

"No. Nobody's messing with me." I neglect to tell her about Cody burning me yesterday with the glue gun. "I just really need a break."

"...Alright. You can stay home for today. But you're going to be alone for most of the day. Is that alright?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll probably just sleep..."

"Okay. I have a couple meetings to go to. Then I'm headed to the doctors. And after the doctors I'm going to stop at the mall. You want me to pick you up anything special for dinner?"

"No... No thank you."

"Okay honey. Just rest." She gets up off my bed and leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.

I really need a break from everything today. I want to spend the entire day sleeping my life away. Maybe I'll start reading the new Twilight book that I got for my birthday. I need some serious me time.

When my aunt leaves, I roll back over on my side to fall back asleep. Before I settle in to go to sleep again, I grab my phone and text Selena.

Me: Hey... Are you awake?

Her: Yeah what's up?

Me: I'm not coming today.

Her: You said you were last night on the phone. I have something to tell you. Please just come?

Me: I don't want to be bothered today. Just tell me later ok?

Her: Whatever Demi.

Me: Are you mad at me?

She doesn't text me back after that. I feel bad. Maybe I have been ignoring Selena lately, but I really don't mean to. She doesn't understand. Nobody understands.

Me: Well can you grab my homework?

Her: Whatever.

Me: Thanks.

I sigh and roll back over on my side. I'm just disappointing everyone. I'm a disappointment.

I lift my left arm out of my covers, bringing it into view. I stare at the skin on my wrist.

It looks like I got into a fight with a cat. There are so many deep gashes and scabs on my wrist. The one I did with my earring at Selena's is scabbing over nicely. If I picked it off, it'd probably bleed a lot.

Instead of bothering with my scabs, i just close my eyes.

The best way to escape my scary thoughts is to go to sleep.

So that's what I do. I go to sleep.

* * *

I wake up from my restful sleep to the sound of my phone ringing. The ringer is loud and obnoxious. I wish I had it turned off so that I could still be asleep.

Angrily, I snatch my phone up from my pillow beside me and look at the caller ID. Why can't anyone just let me fucking sleep?

The caller ID says the call is from Joe. And apparently, I have seven missed calls from him.

I slide my finger across the screen and answer it. "Hullo?" My voice is coarse and very raspy. I'm groggy with sleep.

"Demi!" He says loudly. I want to reach through the phone and punch him.

"What?" I grumble at him. I'm in an incredibly pissy mood.

"I've been calling you for a half hour... What are you doing?"

"I was sleep." I sigh and run my fingers through my knotty hair.

"Oh... Well didn't I tell you yesterday that I'm picking you up today? It's 9:30... I've been outside since 9."

"Uhhh... I'm sorry, I forgot. Why so early?" I yawn.

"So we can have all day together. I have to go to work at 3:00..."

"Umm... Okay. Gimme a minute..." I yawn again. "Where are we going?"

"To my house. Nobody's home. I have the house until 2:40."

"Okay... I'll be outside." I hang up on him and remain in my bed.

To be truthful, I don't even want to go. I just want to stay home. But I won't keep ignoring him.

I peel myself out of bed and find a pair of black leggings to throw on. I grab one of my Abercrombie t-shirts and throw it on over my bra. I slip on some flip flops, grab my phone and run downstairs. I put Jorge in his cage and go outside.

Sure enough, Joe's truck is waiting for me. I walk over to it and open the door.

"Good morning, gorgeous." He leans over and gives me a kiss as I climb into the seat.

"Morning..." I mumble.

"I didn't know you wear glasses..." He smiles as he pulls out of the driveway.

I touch my face and I'm surprised to find that I forgot to swap my glasses for contacts. "Uhhh... I forgot to take them off."

"I like you better with them." He reaches over and holds my hand, speeding along the road to get to his house.

"...So what do you have planned for today?" I ask, looking out the window. It's only 9:40. It's so early.

"It's a surprise." He grins suspiciously.

"I don't like surprises."

"Well you're gonna like them today." He parks the car in his driveway and steps out. I get out too.

I follow him into the house. It's very quiet and empty in here. It's really nice too. It gets nicer every time I come in here.

"Are you hungry?" He asks.

To my surprise, I am. I haven't eaten since yesterday, so my stomach does feel an emptiness. "Yeah... Starving." I walk with him into the kitchen and sit down at the glass table.

He walks over to the stove and turns it on. "You like omelets?"

I nod. "Sure."

He cracks an egg and puts it into a frying pan. He must've had this all planned out, because everything is already set out.

"After we eat, do you want to go watch a movie?"

"Sure. What's my surprise?"

"You have to wait for it." He flips the omelet in the frying pan. It looks really good.

"Can't you just tell me what it is?"

"No. You have to wait. I can tell you that you're gonna love it, though." He scrapes one omelet onto a blue plate. He serves it to me.

I pick up a fork and cut into it. "Is it upstairs?"

"Part of it is." He starts making another omelet.

"Where's the other part?" I fork some of mine into my mouth. It tastes so good.

"The other part of could be a number of places. But it depends on if you want the other part or not." He smiles and flips his food.

"What if I don't want the other part?" I'm scarfing my food down. I was so hungry.

"Then I won't give it to you." He shrugs and puts his on a plate. He sits by me and starts eating.

"I just want to know what it is." I finish off the last bite and drink some orange juice. Part of me wonders how sadistic Joe is. He doesn't scare me in the way that Cody did, but part of me wonders if he brought me here so that he can kill me or something.

"Aren't your parents worried about where you are?" He asks with a slight grin.

"My uncle's at training and my aunt is running errands." I shake my head. I really try not to let it set me off too bad.

"Oh. Well I'll have you home by 2:30." He cleans up both our plates when we're done.

"Okay." I stand up.

"Let's go up to my room." He pushes my chair in and walks back to the hallway with the big staircase.

I follow him up the stairs and down a long hallway.

We get to a dark red door and he pushes it open. "I cleaned up for you." He chuckles.

I step into his room. It's nice and spacious.

His bed is huge, with dark red and black bedding. He has a TV on the wall and a bulletin board, just like Selena's. What surprises me is that there's two pictures of me on his bulletin board. They're both printout pictures that he probably got from my Facebook.

"Yeah... I have pictures of you. Don't think I'm creepy..." He must have noticed me looking.

"I don't..." I have a surprising smile on my face. I haven't smiled since last Saturday. "I just want to know why..."

"Because I'm obsessed with you. And that's the truth." He shrugs and rummages through a bin of movies.

I step over a power cord that goes to his PlayStation. "Obsessed?"

"Borderline crazy about you." He shrugs casually as if he's just recently come to terms with it. "You wanna watch Black Christmas or The Haunting In Connecticut?"

"Either or is fine with me." I sit cross-legged on his bed. "So what's my surprise? Can I have it now?"

"No, Demi. You can have it in a little while."

"Will you tell me what it is?!"

"No." He puts the movie in his DVD player and shuts off the light. It's dark in his room due to his deep red curtains.

He pulls back the covers on his bed. "Let's lay down..."

I get under the covers with him and lie down on his pillow. His bed smells like him and the sheets are so soft.

"Joesph... Whatever your middle name is Jonas. You didn't make me come here at 9:30 in the morning just to lie down and watch movies."

"It's Adam." He wraps his arms around me. "And you're right. I didn't. But it's too early for your surprise."

"Just give it to me. It's not that early." I turn to him and kiss him on his lips. When I pull away, he puts my bottom lip between his lips and sucks on it.

"Demi... Lovato. It's too early for it." He rubs my back.

"It's not..." I kiss him again.

He sucks on my bottom lip again. "Let me guess your middle name."

I chuckle. "Good luck."

"Give me a couple hints." He kisses my jawline again.

"Um... It starts with a D. And it's kind of a boy's name."

"...Dalton. Donald. Derrick. Darren." He doesn't stop kissing my neck.

"No... Try Dev." I run my hands through his crop-cut hair as he kisses my neck some more.

"Devon."

"Devonne."

"Demi Devonne." He laughs. "Cute." He continues kissing my neck.

"It's not Demi."

"Your name isn't Demi?"

"Not fully. It's Demetria." I close my eyes. When he kisses my neck, it gets me so far in the mood. "Where's my surprise?"

"...I'm getting you ready for it." He slides his hands all down my stomach. "Since you can't wait..." He stops his hand around the waist of my leggings.

"...If it's what I think it is... Then I've been waiting forever already." I keep rubbing his head.

"...You're right. You have been waiting long enough." He weasels his way between my legs and lies on top of me.

I kiss him on his lips deeply and he kisses me back with the same intensity. "...Today?" I whisper to him.

"Today..." He leans up off me and takes his shirt off.

I follow his lead and take mine off too. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." He leans down and kisses me on my chest. His hands find their way to my waist and he pulls my leggings off. I kick them off the bed.

He takes his pants off too. "I love you, Demi." He fumbles around with my underwear. I lift up and let him take them off.

"...You do?" I say, confusion clear in my voice. I grab onto his boxers and pull them off him. He has a boner, which makes me nervous.

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't." He leans down and kisses my neck again. He's not inside of me, but his hard on is resting on my leg.

"...I... I love you too..." I bring his lips to mine and kiss him again. I want to cry. This is perfect. Just the way I think losing my virginity should be.

He pulls my bra off and throws it on the floor. "Don't let me hurt you..."

"...Don't be afraid to." I look up at him hovering over my naked body. Our eyes meet. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he really does love me. "I trust you..."

He takes a deep breath and grabs something off his nightstand. He tears it open and I watch him put it on.

He rolls the condom smoothly down on his erection. He's really big, but I don't think about that. I don't think about anything except me and him right now.

"Just relax." He mutters in my ear. He reaches down and guides himself.

I close my eyes, ready for whatever's coming.

Below, he enters me. Not all at once, though. Just a tip. I scoot back in the bed, nervous.

I look at his face. He's focused, careful. I close my eyes again.

Quickly, he slides the final seven or eight inches inside of me.

I gasp at how fast he did that.

"Are you hurt?"

"No..." I shake my head. It doesn't hurt. I just feel... full. Like my stomach can't hold anymore food that what I've eaten, but it's not food that's inside me.

He kisses my cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too."

He rests his elbows by my shoulders, tangling his hands in the lengths of my hair. I open my legs a little bit wider for him.

He stops being so still and starts moving below me. He moves in and out, in sort of a rocking motion. I can tell that every inch of him isn't going in.

It doesn't hurt at all. It just feels...weird. And it feels kind of good at the same time. I can't help but feel the plastic sliding all over, though.

"...Faster?" I ask him. I notice that he's being very gentle. I don't want him to be. I want him to give it his all.

"No." He says. His voice is firm. He keeps moving in and out at the same slow, soft pace.

I put the palms of my hands on his back and let him go. I'll just try to enjoy this. "Please?"

"...Spoiled." His voice is a little bit playful.

All of a sudden, he turns the pace WAY up. I know he's going fast, because the bed is starting to squeak.

Oh my god... If this is what I've waited for... Then it was definitely worth the wait. I open my legs up a little wider and when I do, I feel him go all the way in.

"Oooh..." I slip a moan through my lips. I grab onto the sheets.

He grunts in my ear like he's lifting weights and keeps going fast.

I can't believe I'm losing my virginity right now.

The sweat is causing my hands to slip off his back when I try to grip it. "Ohhh..."

Joe's lower body is crashing into mine with sharp, jolted movements. He presses his lips to my neck and breathes into it. His soft groans let me know that he's enjoying this too.

Slowly, he stops. He eases to a stop. He doesn't stop abruptly. And when he comes to a complete stop, he pulls himself out of me.

"...You alright?" He's a little bit out of breath and he's very sweaty.

"I'm fine."

"...We're done for now. I don't want to... Push it." He moves around down below and takes his condom off. He rolls off me and holds me close to his body.

"Push what?"

"Hurting you."

"I'm fine though."

"I know you are." He kisses my sweaty forehead. "Rest before we do it again."

"I want to do it again..." I whine to him.

"We will, babe. I promise we'll do it again. I just want you to rest. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm okay. Let's do it again."

He laughs at me. "Demetria."

"Joseph."

"You are so lucky you're adorable." He kisses my forehead again. "We will have sex again. In about... A half hour. And I promise you I won't hold back anymore. I promise we will..." He hesitates. "I promise we will fuck like rabbits until we both pass out. Okay?"

"...why not now?"

"Demetria. Rest your body."

"Okay..." I sigh.

"Must you buck me on everything?" He puts his arms around my waist.

"...Yes."

"Be glad your fucking gorgeous. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to tell you no." He kisses my lips. "Love you, girl."

"I love you too." I lie with him. I think I enjoy this cuddling after sex thing.

"Was it were the wait?"

"Definitely." I nod and smile.

It really was. It was perfect, amazing, passionate, satisfying... It was EVERYTHING.

It was definitely how I hoped losing my virginity would be.

I think I might have fallen in love with him in the process.


	26. Normal

When I wake up, my body is so sore. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.

Where am I? I'm not in my room at Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's.

The room I'm in is dark and the light that's coming in through the windows is red. I scoot over in the bed that I'm in. Seriously, where did I fall asleep at? And why am I...naked?

I stretch out and my bare breasts are exposed. I look over and Joe's asleep next to me.

Now I remember. A soft, satisfied smile spreads across my face. It was so amazing.

The way his body laid over top of mine and covered me, like a blanket. The way every time he entered me, he was rough but still so gentle. The way he kissed me every time we changed positions. And the way we finished each other off after every single round. I never thought something could feel so good.

I'll never tell him, but I'm so glad I waited. It really was special.

"Did you sleep well?" He leans up and wraps his arms around my bare waist. He kisses my temple where my thick, messy hair gathers in tangles.

I smile again and cover my exposed chest. "I slept fine."

"You're so beautiful." He strokes my legs. "Can I have a kiss?"

"Mhm." I nod and turn my head. He kisses me hard but still very soft.

He pulls away and strokes my hair. "Was it how you thought it would be?"

I shake my head. "It was better."

"You sure do know how to keep it interesting." He chuckles.

"...What do you mean?"

He kisses my temple another time. "You're just as good on top as I thought you would be."

I smile at his compliment. "Really?"

"Yes, really." He traces his fingers up my spine, which gives me the shivers.

"How many times did we do it?" I sigh dreamily. I feel like a princess right now.

"Oh...ten... Maybe thirteen. I lost count after seven."

"We did NOT do it thirteen times." I laugh and punch him in his side.

"We almost went through a whole 20 pack of condoms, babe." He pins me down and rolls on top of me.

"Damn. Maybe we did do it thirteen times." I laugh and kiss him on his lips.

"Told you so." He kisses me back.

"Are we gonna do it again?" I look up and ask him.

"...You're so crazy, you know that?" He kisses me on my cheek. "No. We're not doing it again. You're so crazy."

"Why not?!"

"Demi! Thirteen times!"

"It wasn't thirteen!"

"Let me count the used condoms, shall I?" He stands up from his bed, naked and all. "1... 2... 3... 4... You're laying on one. That's 5... 6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13... 14!"

"It wasn't 14! It was basically one big time, just split into parts!" I laugh and stand up too, looking for my clothes.

"How many times are you trying to make me cum in one day?! My dick's gonna fall off!"

"I'd sew it back on for you." I laugh.

"I'm going to take a bath. Are you coming with me?"

"Can we do it in the shower?!"

"Demi!"

"What?!"

"Stop being such a sex addict!" He picks me up. We're both naked.

"I've never done it before." I lie on his shoulder and he puts his hands under my butt.

"You're so nuts." He shakes his head and carries me to his bathroom. He turns on the water to his shower and we both step in together.

I get my hair wet to start off. "Why did we run through so many condoms?"

"I put a new one on every time I came." He kisses my cheek and washes his own hair.

"...I love you Joe."

"I love you too, Demi."

I sigh. "Today was amazing."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

I really did enjoy it. I can die happy now.

* * *

_September 13, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I finally did it. I lost my virginity._

_I know you'd probably be mad at me for not waiting to do it, but mom it was amazing. And it was perfect. It was special for me, mom. He told me he loved me and I know that he really meant it. The way he looked at me, I could just tell. And the whole time, he made me feel like I was his everything._

_I told Dallas about it on the phone earlier and she cried. I thought she was crying because she was disappointed, but she was crying because I'm growing up. She said she was happy that my first time was special. Mom, I really miss Dallas. I just want to hug her or something._

_I still have to tell Selena. I want to tell her everything, so I've been waiting for her to get out of school to call her._

_I feel a little bit better since being with Joe all day. I feel like everything could possibly be alright, but I'm worried that it won't last. I'm not 100% happy, but I'm not sad either. _

_Joe didn't notice the cuts on my wrist. I'm glad about that, because I really don't want to explain it to him. He told me that my body was beautiful, mom. And it kind of made me want to cry._

_I think I've really fallen in love with Joe, but I'm not sure. I feel something for him, but I don't know if it's real love._

_I feel okay enough to go to school tomorrow, too. I think school won't be so bad. I'd much rather have another day with Joe, though._

_I'm actually surprised at how good sex felt. I thought it was going to hurt a lot. It didn't hurt that bad while we were doing it. It just felt really uncomfortable to have something inside of me. But then it started feeling so good and we kept going for a long time. We went through fourteen condoms. I'm a little sore between my legs now, but it's not painful. _

_I still feel like I need to go to a doctor, but I think that it can wait a little longer now. It's not that bad anymore, but I'm afraid that it will get that bad again._

_Well, I'm gonna go now, mom. I have a lot to tell Selena about. _

_I love you._

_Until next time, _

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I fold up my letter and put it into my lockbox. I get up and flop on my bed, grabbing my phone to call Selena.

Just as I find her contact, my phone bursts out into vibration, ringing. Selena's calling me.

I slide my finger and answer. "Hello?"

"I'm outside your house right now. I have your homework."

"Okay. Just walk right in. Nobody's home. Come upstairs to my room."

"Okay."

I hang up and put my phone down. I can't wait to tell her.

I hear her footsteps coming up the stairs and soon, she's standing in my room.

"Hey!" I say cheerfully, excited to tell her.

"Hey..." She says, confusion written all over her face.

"Guess what I did today!" I'm smiling so wide.

"Stayed in bed and ate soup?" She seems really confused.

"...No. I spent most of the day with Joe." I keep smiling.

"You what?"

"Spent the day with Joe? We just hung out and stuff and we finally -"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE SICK!" She interrupts me, clearly about to cry.

"No... I just..." I try to explain.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO SICK TO GET OUT OF BED! TOO SICK TO COME TO SCHOOL! TOO SICK TO COME TO SCHOOL SO I COULD TELL YOU SOMETHING! YOU SAID YOU DIDNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH ME BUT YOU WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH HIM?!" She's screaming so loud at me.

"Selena... I..." I'm about to cry.

"I can see now that you're not sick. You'd rather just blow me off and hang out with your boyfriend! I blew...I blew off Nick to come over here and see how you were doing!"

"I'm... I'm sorry..."

"...Have fun with your homework. And don't bother texting me. Save the bear, too. For one day when you're actually sick." She throws all my books down on the floor and storms out of my room.

I sniff and blink once. Once I blink, tears just stream down my face. On my floor, there's a pile of books but what stands out the most to me is a mini teddy bear and a get well card.

I feel like shit.

I'm such a shitty best friend.

I sniff again, wipe my tears with the back of my hand and get up.

I walk into my bathroom and look in my medicine cabinet.

I grab it off the top shelf and shut my bathroom door.

My stomach churns as I make yet another brand new cut on my wrist.

Again, I scare myself at how easily I can go from bad to good.

It's just not normal to me.


	27. Bad Ass

Looks like I actually have to go to school today. I'm not looking forward to it. In fact, I'm absolutely dreading it.

I wake up at 6:30 in the morning to get ready. I'm late waking up, but it's a miracle that I woke up at all. I just don't want to go to school today. I don't feel up to it.

I yank on a pair of black yoga pants and a dark red Hollister hoodie. I'm not even putting a bra on today, that's how much I really just want to stay home and lie in bed. I know that if I ask Aunt Kathy if I can stay home, she'll say no.

It's probably going to be scorching hot outside today, but I can't wear short sleeves until tomorrow, whenever my freshest cut is a little bit older.

I really hope nothing bad happens today. Sometimes, I just get the feeling that something horrible is bound to happen. It's a feeling I get. Sometimes it's wrong, but most of the time it's right.

I slide on flip flops, don't comb my hair and walk downstairs. I even have on my glasses today. I know I look a hot mess.

"Good morning?" My aunt asks rather than says to me. She made scrambled eggs.

"Mornin." I mumble and sit down at the island, resting my head on my folded arms. My mind feels like it wants to go on a trip today. That's the scariest feeling in the world to me.

"You hungry?" She asks me, fixing my plate.

"I don't want eggs." I mumble.

"I want you to eat something before you go to school. What do you want? I'll make it for you." She puts her hand on the small of my back in a loving gesture.

"I'm not hungry. I'll eat a good lunch." I say robotically. That usually shuts her up when I don't eat breakfast, but not today.

"I don't care that you're not hungry, Demetria. I want you to eat." She says with a bit of attitude.

"Who shit in your wheaties?" I mumble again. I'm shocked that I just said that to her. I was thinking it, but I wasn't supposed to say it. How could I be so rude?

"Watch your mouth!" She pounds her fist on the island. "I can't deal with you anymore..." She slams down her dish towel and leaves the kitchen in a tizzy. I should apologize to her.

I feel so bad. I don't know what's the matter with me. I think this is the fourth day in a row that I made Aunt Kathy cry.

I still don't touch the plate of eggs she made me. I just get up from the island, grab my bag, my purse and head out the door.

She really doesn't need this, but I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scaring myself.

To my surprise, she actually walks out the door to take me to school. I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to do anything else to upset her.

She opens the car door and climbs into the driver's seat. She sniffs and wipes her eyes.

I know that I've REALLY hurt her, because she doesn't say another word to me the entire ten minute drive to school.

She pulls up to the drop-off section of the school and lets me out. "...Have a good day."

I don't say anything to her again. Instead, I slam the door when I get out. Why am I slamming things? She didn't do anything! I really need to cut it the fuck out. What is WRONG with me?

I keep my head down and walk into school. I wonder who I'm going to hang out with today in school since Selena's mad at me.

My mind is wondering again. It's so scary when it does this.

I wonder if Joe has to work today. I wonder if he'd come get me from school early if I asked. I don't want to go home. I can't go home. I don't want to face Aunt Kathy if I go home. I just don't want to be in school right now.

I wonder what heaven's like. Is it all rainbows and butterflies and soft clouds? Is it really up in the sky?

Or is it somewhere within the person's mind? Does everybody get a different version of heaven?

If so, I wonder what my mom's heaven is like. I wonder if her heaven is on stage singing like she used to before she had Dallas. I wonder if she's in her heaven taking care of Dallas's baby.

Is heaven like they say it is? Can she see me if she's looking down? Does she know what I'm doing... How I'm feeling?

If she's looking down on me, can she help me?

"Demi?"

I snap myself out of my thoughts. I'm in Carrison's class, and he is calling on me.

See how scary that is? When my mind wonders but my body is actually functioning. It's like I'm here but I'm not here.

"What's the answer to question 10 on last night's homework?"

I look at him, dazed. I don't want to talk today. I wish I could be left alone.

"It's alright if you don't know, Demi. I can help you figure it out if you just tell me the answer you got." He writes the problem down on the whiteboard.

I put my head down and let myself breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

"...Can somebody else tell me what answer they got?" Finally he leaves me alone.

I close my eyes. I just want to escape my thoughts. My scary, scary thoughts.

There was so much blood the last time. I really thought I was gonna die.

And my mom cried so hard when she found me. I think she thought I was gonna die too.

Then I spent the next two months of my life in a hospital. It didn't have padded walls or straight jackets like they have on TV. It was still a scary hospital though. I watched TV all the time, but I only got the boring channels. I wasn't allowed to have my phone or my MP3 Player. The only thing I could do was draw.

And every hour, the doctor would come in and give me a really painful shot in my back. And it was always hard to move, because they wrapped up my wrists, hips and my thighs. My mom would always bring me food so that I didn't have to eat the nasty hospital food.

And every Tuesday I had to talk to someone. I can't remember her name, but she wasn't nice. But she helped me a lot, because she would try different exercises with me.

She would make my mom mad though, because I never got a diagnosis. She would get so angry when they'd call me "mentally insane." My mom never thought I was crazy. And I still don't think I'm crazy...

Somehow I ended up in second period. My English teacher isn't in school today, so we have a substitute. We don't really have work to do, which makes me feel better because I wouldn't do it anyway.

I put my head down on the desk and try to escape my thoughts again.

I refuse to go back to the doctor. It would be a totally different doctor and it'd probably be a whole lot worse.

I'm sitting next to Selena and Nick in English. Neither one of them has said a word to me.

Or maybe they have said something to me, I just didn't hear them.

I'm gonna try to take a nap. I still feel like something bad is gonna happen.

* * *

_September 14, 2008_

_Things are very, very bad. _

I _keep trying to think of the amazing day I had with Joe yesterday, but that's not enough to make me feel better._

_Selena is mad at me. She's very mad at me. She hasn't spoken to me since yesterday. She thinks I blew her off for Joe. I guess I kind of did blow her off, but Joe sort of forced me to come with him. I couldn't have said no to him._

_Anyway, it's bad mom. My mind is starting to wonder again. I thought about the doctors and what it was like. I never want to go back to the doctors again._

_I keep making Aunt Kathy cry. I'm not meaning to do it. I keep getting smart with her. I really don't meant it mommy. I want to feel better but I don't want to go to the doctor without you. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason don't know about me. I would have to explain to them that they have to bring me food, just like you did. They'd have to visit me everyday just like you and daddy did. They'd have to wait with me while I fell asleep. And they'd have to make sure the doctor doesn't give me too many shots. The only person that knows all this was you. _

_I guess now would be the time to tell you that I've been suspended from school until Monday. _

_Aunt Kathy cried to Uncle Jason about that too. She called me unappreciative and told me that I take advantage of them, because they don't have to take care of me. She told me that she regrets spoiling me the way she did because I'm ungrateful._

_I'm not ungrateful or unappreciative. I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Something is seriously wrong with me, though. I know that._

_One minute, I'm so happy. And I feel like in on top of the world. But the next minute, I feel like everything sucks and I want to die. It's really scaring me. I'm afraid of myself. _

_I felt really weird today, so I didn't want to take gym class. I asked the teacher if I could be excused from class for the day and make it up another day and he told me no. So I just took it upon myself to sit out. I sat on the bleachers in the gym and watched everyone else play dodgeball. The teacher came over to me and yelled at me and told me that I wasn't special. He even cussed at me and told me to get off my ass and_ _participate. _

_I picked up a ball, threw it at his gut and told him to suck my dick. And I've been suspended and I might get a fine for assaulting a teacher. _

_Aunt Kathy says she doesn't know what to do with me anymore._

_I feel so bad about myself anymore._

_And I really wish Selena would talk to me._

_I cut again when I came home from school, because Uncle Jason hit me._

_It wasn't hard, but it was hard enough to bust my lip. He didn't hit me with his hands, though. He whacked me in the face with a dish towel for having a smart mouth, because I told Aunt Kathy it was none of her business why I wore long sleeves on a hot day. He was already angry with me for getting suspended, so I guess getting smart really set him off._

_I heard them talking about sending me to live with grandma if I don't shape up. _

_I even heard Uncle Jason call Dallas. He asked Dallas if there was any way she could move off campus into an apartment and take me back. I don't think Dallas agreed._

_I really hope Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason don't give up on me. Because I really love living here with them. I appreciate everything they've done for me._

_And I'm starting to think that maybe it's time for me to tell them that I need to see a doctor._

_Maybe they won't give up on me if they know how I feel inside._

_If they knew that I can't help it... Maybe they'd understand a little more._

_I really am sorry. _

_And I don't know if I can go on like this anymore._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._


	28. What Happened

_September 15, 2008_

_Things are still bad, mom. I don't think it can get any worse than what it is. It'd be real hard to get worse. _

_Aunt Kathy got mad at me because I haven't been talking since yesterday. I just don't want to say the wrong thing, mommy. I don't want to make them mad at me. I don't want them to kick me out._

_Today, I talked to Dallas. She yelled at me a lot. She told me that I need to stop acting like a fool, because she doesn't want Aunt Kathy calling her up and asking to take me. Dallas said she can't deal with me either. _

_Then Daddy called me. He just told me he was disappointed in me. And he told me to shape up because if I get kicked out, it's my ass._

_Then Joe called me and he really REALLY yelled at me for getting suspended from school. He screamed at me so loud and he was really mad at me. It was okay, because he called me back later and said he was sorry. He said he yelled because he was disappointed and he wants me to do good in school because he loves me. _

_I don't know what else to do mom. I'm disappointing everyone. I'm disappointing myself. And I can't stop cutting._

_It's gotten so bad mom. So bad that I can't hold anything with my left hand without dropping it. It hurts too bad to flex the muscles in my hand. _

_All I do is cry anymore and I don't even know why I cry sometimes. Crying just seems like the right thing to do. _

_And all I want to do is sleep. Sleeping takes me away from all my thoughts. My thoughts are scary, mom. _

_I just really hope that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason can hold out on me for a little bit longer. I'm trying to find the right words to tell them that I need to see a doctor._

_I just hope they love me long enough to let me stay with them until then. _

_I really don't know anymore, mom. And I'm beginning to think that I'll never know. Selena hasn't spoken to me in two days. It's really starting to eat a me._

_I just wish you were here. _

_At this point, I'm not sure if there will be a next time._

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I check the time when I'm finished writing my letter. It's 5:45. Neither my aunt nor my uncle have been up to see me today. I guess that means they hate me.

I put my letter in the lockbox and sit down on my bed. I grab my sketchpad and a pencil and start drawing again. I want to draw my Aunt Kathy something nice to apologize, but I don't know what to draw her. Flowers are always nice, so I start off with a petal.

Just as I start to draw, my phone starts to ring. I glance over at the caller ID. If it's not anyone important to me, I won't answer it.

It's Selena. What could she want? To remind me again how bad of a friend I was? I answer the phone.

"Hello?" I nearly whisper into the phone. I don't want her to be too mad at me.

"...Hey... What's up?" She sounds mellow.

"...Nothing..."

"...I'm outside. I just walked over. I have some things for you..."

"Alright... I'll be downstairs to... Let you in." I sigh and hang up.

She doesn't sound mad at me anymore, but I'm not sure. It's hard to tell over the phone.

I get out of my bed, pull on a pair of basketball shorts and go downstairs to get the door.

"Demi, where are you going?" Uncle Jason asks me. His voice is hard, like it has been since yesterday when he smacked me with the towel.

"...Outside for a second."

"Don't even try it."

"I'm just... Grabbing some stuff off her. She brought me schoolwork." I slip on my flip flops. I think I'm informally grounded.

He doesn't say anything else to me. He lets me leave the house. I step outside on the porch with Selena.

"...How's your aunt and uncle taking your suspension?" She has a bag full of stuff and she sits down on the porch. I still hate her for being so fucking pretty.

"...They won't talk to me." I shrug. I sit down next to her, sure to keep my distance.

"That sucks..." She hands me a twizzler.

I put it in my mouth, take a bite and nod.

"...Sorry about the other day." She turns to me and looks at the ground. "I guess I was just being a bitch..."

"It's okay... I deserved it." I chew my twizzler.

"No you didn't." She shakes her head. "I was just moody... My period was coming."

"It's okay." I smile. I'm so happy we're at peace.

"...So..." She smiles so wide that her already chubby cheeks get chubbier.

I smile too. "So what?"

"What was it like?! Nick told me..."

"I was trying to tell you!" I keep smiling. "It was...amazing. Like...it was... Just perfect."

"Did you orgasm?"

Good question. "I...don't know."

"Did you get that fiery feeling? Like... That real amazing feeling?"

"And it kind of... I don't know... Felt like something was coming out if me." I shrug and laugh.

"You had an orgasm! I'm proud!" She laughs and offers me another twizzler.

I take it and chew on it. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Oh...it's really nothing anymore. I just... I had a pregnancy scare."

"You what?!" My jaw drops nearly to the floor.

"My period was all late and stuff and I was just like... oh shit. But then I got it like the next day."

"...What would you have done?!"

"I would've cried." She nods and smiles. "I would've bawled my eyes out and killed myself."

"Oh my god, Selena." I shake my head. "...That's crazy."

"I know..." She keeps smiling. "I'm really sorry about that. I shouldn't have been so mean to you." She looks me from head to toe, and I see her eyes catch on a specific part of my body.

I'm wearing a t-shirt with quarter-length sleeves. I slipped up...

"So...what did you bring me?" I say nervously, turning my arm so that my cuts aren't visible anymore.

"...Demi... Can I..." She starts. She holds out her arms to me.

"Can you what?" I sweep the cuts under the rug. I don't want her to know about them. Dammit, I fucked up.

"...Demi, do you... Do you hurt yourself?" She takes her hands away.

"...Sometimes. It's no big deal though."

"...Demi, I... It is a big deal. You could... Die."

"I know." I look down at the ground.

"I don't want you to die..." She looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"I'm not gonna die."

"...If you need to talk, please call me. I don't care how mad I am at you. Call me..." She grabs my heavily cut arm and turns it palm up so she can see the cuts. "You're my best friend..."

"You're mine too."

Then, she does something that makes me want to cry. Something that nobody has ever done before. Not even my mom. She brings my wrist up to her mouth and kisses it. "Will you try to stop?"

I shrug. "I could try..."

"Please try..."

I nod.

She clears her throat and speaks up again. "So uh... Do you want to go to that party tonight? At Alex's?"

"Sure... I don't know if I'll be able to, though. I'll have to ask."

"...Some fun will do you good." She stands up.

I stand up too. "I'll ask..."

"I brought your homework. And your art project is done. Mrs. W. said you got a 106 on it."

"Thanks..." I grab the bag she brought. "If I can go... I'll text you. Are you gonna come pick me up?"

"Yeah. I'll come grab you around...7."

"Okay. I'll text you if I can come."

"Alright. Bye Demi."

"Bye Lena." I open the door and go back in the house.

I take the bag of stuff that Selena brought me into the kitchen and dump it out on the island. My aunt is cooking dinner.

"Is that homework?" She asks me, stirring something in a pot.

"Yeah..."

"Get it done before Monday."

"I will."

I look at my art project. The different shades of yellow worked out beautifully. The melted crayon art is actually really neat.

"...I made this in art class..." I say.

She turns around. "Oh yeah? That's really cool. Are those crayons?"

"Yeah... We melted them."

"That's cool, kiddo..."

"...I want you to have it..."

"Really?"

"Mhm... If... If my mom was here... I'd give it to her. But she's not here. So you're the next best thing..."

She leans forward and hugs me tight. "Thanks, honey."

"You're welcome." I sigh. "There's a party tonight... Can I go?"

"You know you're grounded..."

"I know." I poke my lip out. "It was worth asking."

She keeps hugging me. "You can go if you want...be home by 11:30 though. No compromising."

"...Deal." I smile. "I love you, Aunt Kathy."

"I love you too, Demzy."

I smile again. Right now would probably be a good time to tell her I need to go see a doctor.

But I'll tell her some other time.

I promise.

* * *

"Does Joe know you're going to a party tonight?" Selena asks me as we're on the way to Alex's.

"Yeah, I told him. He said he didn't care, but he told me to call him when I get home from it." I fix my hair as we ride. It's so easy to talk to Selena around her mom, because Miss Mandy is cool like that.

"He's not coming?"

"No."

"Nick's already there. He said people are just sitting around and stuff."

"Oh..."

"Selena, I'll be back to get you two around 11. You better be ready." Miss Mandy says as she pulls up to the house.

It's dark outside, so it's hard to see anything. But it looks like there's lights in the big house.

"Alright." Selena says as she steps out the car.

I step out the car too and look at her outfit. "You look so cute..." I say.

"Your outfit is cute too."

She's dressed in really short jean shorts and a red lace shirt that shows her bra.

I have on short jean shorts with a green tye-dye half shirt. My hair is in a curly side ponytail.

"I love your belly ring so much, Demi." She touches it.

I smile. "Lets just get in."

We both walk around the back and we meet Nick.

"Hey babe." Nick says to Selena. He's holding a red SOLO cup. He kisses her on her lips.

"And hey Demi." He waves at me.

"Hey Nick." I wave back.

"What are you drinking?" Selena asks him.

"Jungle juice." He says. "Want a sip?

Selena takes his cup. "...mmmm. I want my own cup, though."

"Alright come on." He turns and walks in through a backdoor.

Both me and Selena follow him through the door. I think we're in a very large basement.

The lights are off and the only lights that are on are multicolored strobe lights.

"You want a drink too Demi?" Nick asks.

"Yeah." I nod. I can hardly hear him over the loud music playing.

A few people are dancing, but people are mostly just sitting around and drinking. I smell some weed. I want a little bit of it.

I look around. I recognize some of the people from school. There's Lacey, Alex, Cody, bitch Amanda, some kid from my english class, Paul... And that's all I really recognize. There has to be about a hundred people here though.

"Here." Nick hands me a red SOLO cup and he hands Selena one too.

Selena takes a long sip of hers.

I tilt my cup up to my lips and sip it too. It's very strong. I can tell it's alcohol.

I've never drank before.

I take a seat beside Nick and Selena on a couch. I keep sipping my drink. It's fruity. It tastes like fruit punch with a hint of alcohol.

On the other side of me, Cody sits down. I don't pay attention to him and he doesn't bother me.

And that's really all there is to it.

* * *

"Nick, I'M SERIOUS! CALL JOE!" I hear Selena scream. Why is she screaming? What happened?

"Do you want me to find her clothes or call Joe?!" Nick's voice is panicky but somewhat annoyed.

"CALL JOE!" She screams again. "EVERYONE GET OUT OF HERE!"

I think I'm hearing this right. Then again, my hearing is a little bit fuzzy. I can't feel my legs or my arms.

Did something happen to me? Why is she telling Nick to call Joe? And why is Nick finding my clothes? Oh my god, what did I do?

"WHERE ARE HER SHOES?!" She strokes my face softly. "EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT!" I think I feel one of her tears fall down onto my cheek.

Why does she keep yelling? She's hurting my ears. And why is she crying? I open my eyes slightly. The light is so bright. I have a pounding headache. I really feel like I just got hit by a bus.

Why am I laying on Selena? Why am I laying with my head in her lap?

"NICK, FIND ME HER SHOES AND CALL JOE. IM NOT EVEN KIDDING!"

"I already called Joe. He won't answer. Her shoes are right here. Me and Alex are gonna go look for..." My hearing goes fuzzy before I can hear who Nick and Alex are looking for.

"I'm gonna fucking kill him. She already stopped breathing twice! WHERE IS THE AMBULANCE!?" Selena is hysterical at the moment.

"Demi... Demi." She shakes me. "Don't stop breathing again... Please..." She strokes my face again. "I'm sorry Demi..."

I feel so sick. What the fuck even happened... My head feels like I'm banging it off a wall. I don't feel good...

"Selena, here's her phone... I can't... I can't find him. I'm helping Nick and Alex look..." Another voice says.

I feel like I'm losing conscience. I don't know who's voice it is or where I even am at this point.

"Thank you, Lacey." Selena moves slightly and grabs something. She sniffs and pulls something on my waist. I think she's fixing my underwear.

I just rest my head in Selena's lap. I feel like I'm dying. I really feel like I'm dying.

"NICK, FIND ME HER PANTS!" Selena screams again, sobbing. "Please don't die, Demi..." She sniffs.

It sounds like the party is over. There is no music playing. It's dead silent.

"H...hello?" It's only until just now that I realize how hard Selena's crying. She's hiccuping and she's just hysterical. "Are you Demi's aunt? This is... This is Demi's friend, Selena."

She's talking to Aunt Kathy? Can I talk to her?

"I don't know, I don't know what happened but... Demi's really bad. We called an ambulance and stuff. Yeah... This guy..."

I think I black out again, because I can't see or hear anything. I really need to know what happened.


	29. Not Exactly What Happened

They say when you die, your soul leaves your body first. And leaves you like an empty shell. Waiting for all your internal organs to shut down and stop functioning until you're dead. Fully. No life. Just the empty shell of who you used to be.

I'm not sure if I'm dying. I'm not sure if I'm already dead. I just know that I'm sitting above somewhere. And I'm watching myself as if it's not me. As if I'm watching some sick, twisted, scary movie.

I still don't know what happened to me. I'm not sure if I'll ever know, because right now, my memory is so fuzzy and blocked. But I do know the after effects on whatever happened to me. And I can honestly say that I have never been more frightened in my life.

And I can't believe that I'm watching all this happen, as if it's not me. As if I'm some third person. Just watching...

"Please, Demi. Please hold on a little longer." I'm lying between Selena's legs in a bathroom. My green half shirt is pulled up a little far, exposing the place just before my breasts start. My shirt is ripped. My body is unusually pale, even for me. I'm a naturally pale person, but my skin is translucent. Like the skin of an onion.

"Just hold on... Their coming." She's stroking my long, dark brown hair. I had it in a curly ponytail, but my ponytail is out and the curls are framing around my breasts.

"Please just hold on... I'm sorry, Demi." It's quiet in the bathroom. The only sound is coming from Selena in the form of desperate pleas. "I'm so sorry... I should've stayed with you."

I watch as my chest slows way down from the rhythmic pumping it was doing. My blue jean shorts are buttoned, but the zipper is broken.

"Please don't die, Demi. Please don't die..." She rubs my cheek. "They said they'd be here..." She finally looks up from my body and looks out the door of the bathroom. "Somebody please help..." I can tell that she knows I'm dying.

Her face is blotchy and red with tears collecting on her red lace shirt. Her mascara and eyeliner have ran from the tears and her usually unruly curly hair is wild and haggard.

"Selena... Selena, the paramedics are here. And so is her mom." Nick appears in the doorway of the bathroom. "They're coming..." He steps out the way.

It gets noisy all of a sudden as three people dressed in papery blue outfits flood into the bathroom. One of them is a girl and the other two are men. The girl has straight dark brown hair and round, beady eyes. Her nametag says "Hanna".

"Honey, my name is Hanna... Can you get up? So I can ask you a couple questions?" She bends down and rubs Selena's shoulder.

"I can't leave her..." Selena cries to her and shakes her head.

"Don't worry about her, honey. We're going to take very good care of her. I just need to ask you some questions about the party tonight... Okay?" She wraps a blanket around Selena and coaxes her into standing up.

When Selena stands up, I'm lying on the cool, hard linoleum floor of the bathroom.

The two men, one dark haired, the other red haired work together on me.

The dark haired doctor puts a thick, blue tube down my throat while the other attaches an inflatable bag to the tube. The red headed one, named Steve, starts squeezing the bag periodically, in the same rhythm as my breathing would be.

The dark haired one, named Charlie, lifts my nearly lifeless body onto an orange stretcher. Together, Steve and Charlie unhinge the sides of the stretcher and lift me up. They slowly wheel me out of the bathroom, Steve squeezing the bag to breathe for me the entire time.

They wheel me out of the house and down a long driveway. Alex, the host of the party is standing on the sidewalk watching. He's crying. His parents are holding onto him. His mom is crying too, his dad is mad as hell.

Next to Alex on the sidewalk is Miss Mandy. She's holding Selena close to her. Selena is not happy to be standing with her mom, I'll tell you that.

"Let me go, mom! I have to be with her!" She blubbers like a baby and tries her damnedest to pull away. "DEMI!"

Not even Nick can calm her down, because Nick can't calm himself down. He's not crying, but he's frantically talking to someone over the phone. "I don't know, man... I don't know. Selena said she wasn't breathin'. The paramedics just got here... They're about to take her away."

Steve and Charlie lift my stretcher up and place it in the back of an ambulance truck. Hanna is now talking to my aunt and my uncle.

Aunt Kathy is crying the hardest I've seen her cry all week, and Uncle Jason is the man of steel, trying to comfort her but obviously broken up about this too.

"We talked to her friend. Her friend said that she drank a little bit but then that's all she knows. According to what we were told, the friend left with her boyfriend after a few drinks and left her alone in the party. What happened next, she doesn't know."

"Is she going to be alright? Where do we go from here?" Aunt Kathy asks all her questions.

"From here, we're going to take her down to the Children's Hospital's Emergency Room. They'll get her a doctor and we'll go from there."

"Please tell me she's alright..."

"It's looking grim right now, but it's hard to tell. One of you may ride in the back of the truck to the hospital, but only one."

"I'm going." Aunt Kathy says without question. Carefully, she climbs up into the truck with me on my stretcher. "I'll meet you at the hospital, Jason."

Steve, Charlie and Hanna all climb into the back of the truck and Steve shuts the doors behind us. The driver turns the sirens on and starts speeding down the road, taking me to the hospital.

"When we get to the hospital, the resident on call will take her up to the emergency unit. She will need to be put on oxygen. Call for a district attorney." Charlie barks orders at Steve and Hanna.

Steve keeps squeezing the bag, breathing for me.

"Can she hear me?" Aunt Kathy holds my hand.

"It's not likely. She's not conscious." Charlie says to her.

"But she's alive, right?"

"Ma'am, as long as we keep breathing for her, she's alive. She's not functional on her own."

Aunt Kathy leans in and kisses my temple softly. "Don't die on me, kiddo. I already lost your mom. I can't lose you too." She whispers in my ear.

The truck pulls in to the garage of the hospital. The hospital is a purple building with orange letters on the outside. It's already kid friendly.

Hanna opens up the doors to the truck and Steve and Charlie bring my stretcher down onto the concrete.

Hanna takes my aunt from here.

"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to come with me. To answer all questions about her while they work on her."

"Alright."

And that's the last I see of my Aunt Kathy.

From the garage of the hospital, I'm rushed through a set of double doors. From the double doors, I'm met with a shorter, much younger woman. She has blonde hair and green eyes. She's very pretty, but she looks very serious.

"Get information on her, Roam. Parkson, stay with Roam. McCully, come with me." The blonde girl barks at Charlie, Steve and Hanna.

Steve stays with the blonde lady and the blonde lady, named Dr. Addalyn Osborne, rushes me onto a pink elevator.

The elevator goes up a couple floors and slows to a stop. When it stops on the third floor, Dr. Osborne wheels my stretcher into a wide, white room. Steve helps her lift me off the stretcher and onto a softer, more comfortable bed.

"Start the oxygen therapy. I'll need to get a blood sample to check her BAC."

Steve forces a thinner tube down my throat and one up my nose. He tapes the one up my nose to my cheek so it doesn't fall out. He turns on a machine and the machine starts breathing for me. Very gently, Steve uses scissors and cuts my shirt off. I don't have a bra on. I swear I had one on when I left the house...

Steve grabs a soft white gown and drapes it over my body, tying it around my neck and looping my arms through the holes.

Dr. Osborne wipes the crease of my arm off with an alcohol pad and pushes a needle into my vein. The needle makes a "crunch" sound when it goes in my vein.

"...Oh god." Dr. Osborne's eyes get wide. "...McCully, go down to the main supply closet, grab me a fresh roll of gauze and more alcohol pads. Find the DA, too. Tell him to come up here as soon as possible."

"What kind of gauze do you want, Dr.?" Steve asks her. He finishes cutting my shorts and my underwear off my body.

"Get me the softest kind you can find."

"May I ask what the gauze is for?"

Dr. Osborne takes the needle from my hand and closes the vile of my blood. She holds my arm up. "Looks like we've got a cutter."

Hanna opens up the curtains to my room and walks in. "Dr. Osborne, I need something to tell the family."

"Take her blood sample down to the lab. Order in a BAC IMMEDIATELY." She hands my blood to Hanna. "You tell her family that I'm doing everything I can for her at the moment."

"Condition? Life or death?" Hanna asks.

"You tell them that she's in critical condition. Don't alarm them, Dr. Roam. This girl is sixteen years old. I'm not going to let her die."

"Yes ma'am." Hanna says and disappears out of the room.

Dr. Osborne picks up my left arm again. She starts cleaning off my cuts. "Wonder if your family knows about this one." She asks me, even though I'm unconscious.

"I found a roll of extra strength gauze. The DA is right behind me." Steve comes back in the room and hands her the gauze.

Dr. Osborne wraps up my wrist. "Where is Hanna with her BAC?"

"I don't know, Dr. I didn't pass her."

Another man walks in my room. He's large and very muscular. He has on a grey suit and a grey top hat. I guess he's the District Attorney.

"What can I do for you, Miss Osborne?" He asks Dr. Osborne.

"I don't have her BAC just yet, and she's still unconscious, but I'd like authorization to run a rape kit on her."

"Do you have probable cause?"

"Apparently the friend she was at the party with found her in a bathroom almost nude and unconscious, so yes. I have probable cause."

"Any suspects of who might have raped her?"

"Her friend gave Dr. Roam a name.

"I'll open the case up. Run the kit on her, give me the results. I'll get the name of the kid and see if he's available for questioning."

"Thanks, Sam." Dr. Osborne goes back to me.

Hanna walks back into the room. "Results came back on her BAC, Dr. Osborne. Her blood alcohol count is .45."

"That's over six times the legal limit. It's a wonder this girl isn't dead yet. Prep her for a gastric lavage. I'm going to administer a rape kit." Dr. Osborne leaves the room for the first time.

Steve opens my mouth and shoves another thick tube down my throat, all the way to my stomach.

Hanna helps him out by getting the solution prepared.

"Squirt the solution down the tube, she's ready."

Hanna puts the milky white solution down my tube and directly into my stomach.

I will admit, it's weird to watch myself like this. It's very scary too.

And in that instant, I'm not watching myself anymore. I think my soul comes back to my body.

* * *

My eyelids are sore. They're very sore. So sore that when I open them, I immediately start to cry. Tears are just sliding out the corners of my eyes.

My jaw hurts too. And so does my throat.

There's a tube up my nose and another tube down my throat. I have a monitor on my finger and two monitors on my bare chest and an IV in my arm.

Someone is lying at the foot of my bed. It's a girl. She has light brown, curly hair and that's all I can see. She's lying face down.

It's not Aunt Kathy, because Aunt Kathy has dark brown hair. The person on my bed has really light hair. It's almost blonde, but brown.

It looks like my mom. Why am I in a hospital? Why is my mom lying on my hospital bed? Is this my heaven? With my mom?

"Mmmm..." I try to say "mommy", but my throat is so dry and scratchy that I can't speak more than a moan.

The light brown lump at the foot of my bed lifts her head up. "Demi?" She says. It even sounds like my mom's voice.

I blink twice to make my vision clearer. It's not my mom, but it's just as good as my mom. It's Dallas!

"Demi..." She holds me around my waist. "Hey baby... How you feelin?" She strokes my hair.

I start crying some more. I wish I could talk. "Mmmmm..."

"Shh. Don't talk, baby. Don't talk..." She kisses my cheek. "What we're you thinking? Getting drunk?" She rubs my head some more. "You scared me shitless."

I was drunk? When did I get drunk? I had a drink, yes. But I don't remember getting drunk... I had one drink.

"Aunt Kathy called me and told me you were bad off." She kisses my cheek again.

"...Mmmm..." I slowly lift my arms to hug her.

"It's alright." She hugs me tight. "I'm just glad you're okay." She kisses my cheek yet another time. "That kid down in the lobby... Is he your boyfriend? I think his name is Joe."

I nod very slowly.

"He's cute. And he's sweet. He won't leave..."

I wrinkle my eyebrows. "...W...hat ha...ppened?" It hurt so bad to say that.

"You don't remember?"

I shake my head.

"You got drunk at a party. And some kid... I think they said his name is Cody... He raped you, baby." She strokes my hair.

Cody raped me? Since when?! Oh my god, I'm so stupid. How did I let that happen?! I'm so stupid! I'm so mad at myself! How did I get that drunk?!

"Your doctor still thinks you need to get the rest of the alcohol out of your system. So you're gonna be on the stomach pump for a while longer. Dr. Osborne has been taking care of you... You remember Dr. Osborne?"

Who's Dr. Osborne? I don't remember anything besides the one drink I had at the party. That's all.

I'm so fucking mad at myself. How did I let Cody rape me? How?!

I'm so fucking stupid. Jesus Christ, I'm stupid.

I can't believe I let that happen.

I'm never drinking again.

Ever.


	30. Still Not Quite How It Happened

I haven't had a lot of visitors in the hospital. I don't think I'm allowed to have visitors, honestly. Unless they're approved by Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason.

While I haven't had many visitors, I do have a lot of presets. I have tons of "Get Well" cards, a few teddy bears and a couple bouquets of flowers. I'm glad people care about me so much.

The only person I've been awake to see visit me is Dallas. I've really just been sleeping all day while my stomach is being pumped.

It feels weird to have my stomach pumped. It feels like people are making me throw up. I wonder what happened to me. What happened exactly.

When I wake up again, my room is empty. All I see is colorful balloons. I'm not in too much pain. The only thing that really hurts is my throat and my arm where my IV is at.

"I'm thirsty..." I say to myself. My throat is killing me.

Slowly, I grab the remote and push the red call button for my nurse. I really don't feel good. My throat is so dry that I feel like if I talk, my throat will bleed.

"Do you need something?" A short doctor with blonde hair and green eyes enters the room.

I nod slowly.

"What do you need, Demi?" She comes over and checks on my monitors. "I'm Dr. Osborne. Remember me?"

I shake my head softly.

"We'll I've been taking care of you since late last night. You came in here in really bad shape." She reaches down my hospital gown and adjusts the monitors that are on my chest.

"...What happened?" I ask.

"You don't remember anything about yesterday, honey?"

I shake my head again.

"You almost lost your life last night. Someone up there must really like you to let you be here." She pushes a couple buttons on my monitors.

"I'll let you talk to the DA in a moment. Your auntie and your uncle are dying to see you. And I think you have a boyfriend who's dying to see you too." She pushes on my stomach softly. "You feel like you have to throw up?"

I shake my head.

"I'm gonna get another blood sample. To see if your BAC went down. If it's near the legal limit, I'll take the pump out now." She sticks me with another needle to take my blood.

"Ow..."

"I'm sorry." She only takes a little bit of blood. "I'm gonna take your bloo to the lab. When I come back, I'll see if we can get the pump out. You want me to bring you anything back?"

"Can I have a drink..."

"Nothing to drink right now, hon. Maybe in a little while." She straps my arm up. "I'm gonna send your auntie and your uncle in now. They'd... They'd like to talk to you about what's on your wrist."

I look down at my left arm. Sure enough, my wrist is bandaged up. Shit, Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason know?

Dr. Osborne takes my blood and leaves the room.

As soon as she leaves, Aunt Kathy comes in the room. "Demi?"

"...Aunt Kathy..."

"Oh thank god." She comes over and holds me. She rubs my back softly and kisses my head. "Are you okay?"

"I'm...okay."

"What were you thinking?" She plays with my hair. "You scared me, kid. You scared me." She kisses my forehead.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry... Don't be sorry. I'm just so glad you're okay..." She rubs my back. "Uncle Jason is talking to the DA right now. I think we're gonna press maximum charges."

"...why?"

"Demi, honey. ...you were raped. Brutally..."

"...oh." I look down. I'm so ashamed of myself. "I didn't know you could press charges..."

"Why wouldn't we, sweetie?"

"Because I was drunk... It was my fault..."

"Honey you didn't know..."

"I'm sorry for drinking..."

"Don't apologize honey." She strokes my face. "Shhh. It's not your fault."

"It was one drink... I didn't know..." I start to cry again.

"Demi... Demetria. Calm down... It's not your fault." She wipes my tears. "It was more than one drink, though."

"I only remember drinking one." I shake my head and keep crying.

"You don't remember nothing else?"

"No..." I sniff and cry some more.

"Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay." She wipes my face.

Just then, my uncle and a man in a grey suit walk in the room. I guess the guy in the grey suit is the DA.

Right after the DA and Uncle Jason walk in the room, Dr. Osborne comes in too.

Dr. Osborne talks first. "Demi, you're BAC is still a little high. It's at .12, which technically means that you're still intoxicated. I'm going to go ahead and leave the pump in for another hour or two. Still nothing to eat or drink yet."

"Demi, we want you to talk to Mr. Morris here. He's the District Attorney." Uncle Jason says. He seems a little on the angry side.

So many people are talking to me right now, it's nerve wracking. I can only take one person at a time talking.

"Okay..." I just say.

"I'd like to talk to her alone." Mr. Morris says. "No disrespect to you, Mr. & Mrs. Barnes, but it's a confidentiality thing. I have to speak with her alone."

"...Alright." Aunt Kathy leans down and kisses my cheek. "It's okay, honey. Just remember that nothing is your fault." She kisses me again and lets me go.

Everyone clears out of the room and leaves me with only Mr. Morris. He grabs a chair and pulls it over to the bed.

"Good day, Demi." He sits in the chair and opens up a briefcase.

"Hi..." I sigh. I don't really want to talk about it. I'm so stupid.

"So...I've been following your case since you got to the hospital last night. I've talked to many of your friends and I was able to put together some pieces of what happened to you last night."

"...okay. Am I in trouble?"

"Why would you be in trouble?"

"For drinking..."

"Kids drink all the time. Doesn't make it right, but it happens. I can't punish you without punishing everyone at that party." He grabs a few pieces of paper and a plastic bag. In the plastic bag are my underwear and my bra.

"I just want you to answer some questions for me." He grabs a pen and opens up a notebook.

"Okay..."

"How old are you?"

"Sixteen."

"And when did you turn sixteen?"

"Last month... The 20th."

"Where do you attend high school?"

"...Mainland."

"What grade?"

"Eleventh."

"And do you know Cody Ross?"

"Yes..." I nod.

He closes his notebook. "Do these belong to you?" He holds up the plastic bag with my yellow and white underwear in it. My white bra is in the bag too, but it's streaked with red spots.

"...Yes."

He turns on a recorder. "Can you tell me everything you remember from last night? Everything possible."

"...I remember... I remember getting to the party with Selena. And Nick got us two cups of alcohol. And that's all... I had one drink."

"Is that everything?"

"Yes."

"Well I can tell you for a fact that you had more than one drink." He stops the recorder. "How does... 11 drinks sound?"

"Eleven?"

"Just about." He opens up another notebook. "Your blood alcohol count was .45 last night. The legal limit is .08. .11 is considered intoxicated."

"Oh my god..." I'm about to cry.

He hands me a tissue. "I'm thinking you passed out around 9:45 last night. The rape occurred around 10:00."

I just nod.

"I spoke to a witness, and he stated that around 9:50-9:55, he witnessed Cody Ross take you to a bathroom in which the door was locked and the lights were off."

"Okay..." This is so hard to hear for me. I'm so stupid.

"A few more witnesses stated that they heard screaming coming from the bathroom, but they were unsure who was screaming and they couldn't open the door because it was locked."

I nod.

"Around... 10:50, the bathroom door was opened again, and two people witnessed Mr. Ross come from the bathroom. The bathroom door was unlocked, but closed."

I'm crying. He raped me for an hour? An hour straight?

"Around 11:15, the paramedics received a call from one of your friends who told dispatchers that quote, 'my friend is on the bathroom floor. She's not breathing and she's unconscious. I can't find her clothes. Please hurry.'" He turns the page of his notebook. "Another witness told us that she witnessed Cody Ross verbally threaten you to take a blue Jell-O shot. The witness stated that after your sixth shot, he handed you a cup of alcohol, claiming that it was water. Apparently, this is when you passed out."

"...Is Cody in trouble?"

"We do not have him in custody at the moment, we wanted to speak with your family and see what they had planned to do before we make an official arrest."

"...Where is he?"

"We were told that he disappeared from the party after the rape was committed." He looks up at me. His eyes are sorrowful.

"Are you sure it was him?"

"We ran his DNA and it was a match."

"DNA?"

"I don't think you're ready to know details, honey." He pats my arm.

"...I want to know."

"We... We ran a rape kit on you, honey. And we found his DNA."

"Inside me?" What if I'm pregnant? Oh my god, what if I'm pregnant?!

"Yes, honey. There were traces of his semen around your inner thigh and around your buttocks. Traces of his saliva were on your chest."

I blink my eyes and cry some more. I'm so embarrassed and I'm so stupid. How did I let this happen? I should've never gone to that party.

He closes up his briefcase. "Your uncle said that he would like maximum punishment for Cody Ross. Do you agree?"

I shrug.

"Maximum punishment for him would be two years in a juvenile detention center. And five years probation."

"Okay..."

I'm so stupid! I can't believe I let this happen! I hate myself!

I really want to talk to Joe, but I can't face him. In entirely too embarrassed. I'm entirely too ashamed.

I'm not even angry at him. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for letting it happen. I'm such an idiot.

He raped me. For an hour straight. Not just in the front, but in the back too. For an HOUR. And I was too drunk to stop him?

How stupid... Can I possibly be?

How mad is Joe? He's probably angry that I got so drunk. Technically, I'm STILL drunk. I'm such an idiot.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the glass of my door.

I look up.

I recognize that dark brown hair and those wild eyebrows.

"Come in..." I say.

I'm not ready to face Joe.


	31. Part of Exactly What Happened

Joe walks into my room quietly. He doesn't say anything as he sits down in a chair next to my bed.

I really hope he doesn't yell at me or anything, because my head hurts already. I wonder if he'll accept my apologies. I really am sorry, but my sorrow is nothing compared to the amount of shame and guilt I already feel.

Joe scoots his chair closer to my bed. The rims of his eyes are puffy and red. He puts a red bag down on the floor next to him. "Hey beautiful..." His voice is hoarse and tired.

"Hi..."

He looks at me weird. I can tell that he wasn't expecting my voice to sound like that. My voice is very scratchy. It sounds like I'm talking with sandpaper in my throat. It feels like I'm swallowing acid every time I talk.

"You okay?" He stands up and touches my hand.

I shrug.

"Are you hurting? You in any pain?" He sweeps my bangs away from my face.

"I feel okay..." I sigh. My head is throbbing. I adjust the tube in my nose.

He bends down and grabs something out of his red bag. He hands me a snowy white teddy bear with a single pink rose attached to it. "Here you go, baby girl."

I sniff and start to cry. I feel so bad. I just let myself get raped, and he's buying me gifts? Don't I deserve to be screamed at?

"Thank you..." I choke out and hold the soft bear in my hands. The bear has a bandage around his left ear and a cast on his left leg. It's cute.

"Open it's tag up. It has a name and everything." Joe points to the tag.

The tag is a red heart with "TY" written on it in gold letters. I open up the tag and read it aloud. "His name is Boo Boo. And he was born on February 17th. It says he was hit by a car when he was a few months old, but he'll get through it and he's a tough little bear."

Joe leans down and kisses my cheek. "You're tough too, babe."

I smile and hold my bear tightly. I love my bear. "Thank you..."

"Don't mention it, beautiful." He sits next to me again and sniffs. "I'm so sorry, baby."

"...Why?"

"Because... I should've... I should've been there. You were probably scared. Probably wondering where I was... And I wasn't there." He sniffs and gives me a tight hug.

"I don't remember anything..." I wipe my years away. "I'm so embarrassed though. I'll never go back to school..."

"Don't be embarrassed, beautiful." He wipes my tears from my face. "It's not your fault." He kisses my lips. "It's not your fault..."

"Do you still love me?" I start to cry a little bit more.

"Of course I love you." He wipes my tears again. "Don't cry..."

"I can't stop crying..."

"It's okay, gorgeous. It's okay. I'll never let him hurt you again. I'll never let him hurt you..."

"I'm so stupid..."

"Don't you say that, Demi. Don't you dare say that. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." He holds me and strokes my hair.

"I don't know how I let it happen, Joe... It like... One minute, I was having fun with Selena. The next minute I'm in a hospital. I can't believe I let him rape me.."

"You didn't let him do anything, Demi." He leans down and kisses me again. "He's just a fucking bastard. He's lucky I didn't rearrange his fucking face." Suddenly, Joe's face is all red. He's shaking.

"...You saw him?"

"...Demi, I thought I was going to kill him. I really thought I was going to do it. Nick had to keep reminding me that I could go to jail. Demi...I thought I wasn't going to be able to stop."

"You fought him? When?"

"...Yesterday. Right after Nick told me what happened."

Just then, the door to my room opens again and in walks Dr. Osborne again.

"Demi, I'm going to put you to sleep for another few hours. The alcohol leaves your system faster if you're asleep, and if you want to grab a bite to eat soon, the alcohol needs to be out fast." She grabs ahold of my IV and starts hooking a different fluid into it.

"I'll get you get some rest, baby girl. I'll be back soon. I promise. Get some rest." Joe kisses me again. "I love you."

I kiss him back. He's careful not to put his tongue in my mouth so he doesn't bump the tube that's in there.

"Rest up." He strokes my face again.

"Okay..." I hold my bear and lie comfortably.

Joe leaves my room and shuts the door behind him.

"That your boyfriend?" Dr. Osborne screws another type of medicine into my IV. "He's cute."

I smile. "Yeah..."

"Does he know about what's on your wrist?" She cleans up after strapping my medicine into the IV.

"...No." I look down.

"You're auntie sure is worried about that. She asked me for a doctor recommendation."

"...oh."

"I advised her not to say anything to you about it until you're ready."

"Okay..." I don't know what else to say. I just cut sometimes. It's not that big of a deal.

"You just get some rest while the rest of this alcohol leaves your system. I'll wake you up in about... An hour or two."

I nod and lean my head to the side. I cuddle with my Boo Boo bear and rest. I want to have dreams about Joe.

* * *

I'm asleep so peacefully that I don't think it's possible for me to wake up. I'm having a very nice sleep. But not a very nice dream.

My dream is so vivid that it can't possibly be a dream. Perhaps it's one big memory.

Maybe... Just maybe... It's all coming back to me.

It's just too real to be a dream...

I sat on Alex's couch, drinking jungle juice from my red SOLO cup. Selena sat next to me, leaning on Nick.

Cody sat next to me with a hard look on his face. It looked like he despised me.

"Demi, do you need another drink? I'm getting refills." Selena stood up with Nick.

"No. I still have a decent amount left in my cup." I said.

"Alright. I'll be right back."

Selena left me sitting on the couch next to Cody while she and Nick went to get refills on their drinks. I didn't think they'd be gone long.

I sat next to Cody in dead silence, afraid to say anything to him. He wasn't afraid to speak to me, though.

"I didn't know you drink." He mumbled to me. His voice was as hard as the look on his face.

"I don't..." I didn't want to make him angry with me by not answering, so I mumbled right back.

"First time?"

"Yeah."

"You ever have a Jell-O shot?"

"No..."

"Here. Have one." He handed me a red plastic shot glass that he grabbed off a tray beside him.

I didn't think that one shot would kill me, so I took the shot from him and drank it. It tasted so good that I wanted more.

"You want another?" He asked me. The look on his face went from hard to sly within the matter of three seconds, and I already had the feeling that this won't be good.

"No thanks. I'm fine." I declined another shot, though I really wanted one.

"Come on, Demi. One more won't kill you."

I was too scared to tell him no again, so I drank another shot. A blue one, to be exact.

By this time, my chest was really starting to hurt. It felt like my heart was burning.

Selena and Nick came back after I took my second shot.

"Demi..." Selena called me.

I turned to her. My vision was already blurry and my head had started to hurt a little bit.

"Me and Nick are gonna go to the bedroom upstairs. Come with me."

I didn't want to go sit up in the bedroom with them. Especially if Joe wasn't there. The bedroom is where all the couples were having sex.

"No, that's fine. I'll sit here. I want to drink a little bit more. I'll come up to the bedroom when I'm done." I said.

"I don't really want you down here alone..." Selena sounded worried about me. I should've taken her hint.

"I'll come up in a little bit. Let me finish my drink."

"...Okay." Selena reluctantly got up from the couch and went upstairs with Nick. I didn't know why she worried about me so much at the time, but I really wish I would've taken her advice.

"Me and you can go up to the bedroom..." Cody laughed.

"No thank you. I have a boyfriend." I already felt sick.

"I know, I know. Here, have another drink." He handed me another Jell-O shot.

I drank it, still too afraid to tell him no. I didn't think I should have drunken anymore.

I stood up from the couch and walked toward the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" He asked me. The smile on his face scared me. It was almost like he knew that I was feeling horrible by this point.

"I just want some water." I shook my head, standing up. I shook my head to try and rid myself of the headache I was getting.

"Here. I have water right here." He handed me another red SOLO cup.

I looked into the cup. It was clear on the inside. Just like water. I tilted the cup up to my mouth and guzzled it thirstily. It didn't taste like water. The taste was strong and bitter.

"What was that?" I collapsed on the couch next to Cody, feeling like I was going to pass out.

Cody laughed at me. "It was just a little vodka, Demi."

I coughed a little bit and felt myself beginning to throw up. I needed to go to the bathroom but if I got up, I'd probably pass out.

"Here. Just drink some more jungle juice. It'll make you feel better." He put the rim of another cup to my lips.

I wouldn't open my mouth. I didn't want to drink anymore.

"I just want to go to the bathroom." I opened my mouth to say that, but as soon as I opened my mouth, he poured the cup up, getting some of the liquor into my mouth but the majority of it on my shirt.

I felt so sick. I was about to pass out.

I got up from the couch, held onto the walls and made my way to the bathroom. I didn't want to be rude and throw up on the carpet. I was drunk. I had never been drunk in my life.

I stumbled into the bathroom and Cody followed behind me.

"Get out..." I whined to him. "Get out..." I collapsed on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet.

He put down two Jell-O shots and a SOLO cup on the sink and shut the door.

"Get out..." I mumbled again, ready for the throw up to spew out of my mouth.

I lied down on the floor, breathing heavy and sweating buckets.

He locked the door and shut the lights off.

"Drink this..." He handed me two shot glasses.

"No..." I refused.

"Drink this, Demi."

"I said no..." I was going to die. I was sure of it.

"Drink these last two shots or I swear to fucking god."

He scared me, so I drank both shots. My stomach was hurting terribly. I felt myself fading in and out of consciousness.

"We can go up to the bedroom now..."

"No..."

He laid on top of me. I was too weak to push him off, though I desperately wanted to get him off.

He kissed my neck and bit me softly. "You want it..."

"No..." I whispered, losing my consciousness. I blacked out, but I could still feel everything that happened to me.

He tore my shirt off effortlessly and put his mouth on my chest. Roughly, he clamped his teeth down on my bare breasts so hard that I felt my skin break open. I was too far out of it to react with anything more than a soft cry.

I was too weak to get him off me still, so he took off my pants. And he forced my legs open. And he put himself inside of me. I froze up.

"GET OFF ME!" I mustered up all my strength and punched my fists into his back. He got a kick out of that.

He began raping me. Hard, fast and painfully. In and out, in and out. I wasn't wet, so it hurt worse than I ever dreamt possible. It was dry and it felt like he was pushing spikes in and out if my body.

"PLEASE GET OFF... PLEASE...

PLEASE..." I screamed.

He got angry and grabbed the SOLO cup from off the counter of the sink. He forced the cup into my mouth and I had no other option besides drink.

With that last drink, I couldn't say anything else.

He works his way to the back of me. And he puts himself inside of me from the back. It was painful. Probably more painful than the front. But I couldn't say anything.

The thing that disgusted me the most and made me feel the most ashamed of myself is how he grunted and groaned in murmured pleasure with every rough entrance he made into me.

After this part, my mind goes blank again.

Too vivid to be a dream. So I'll believe it was a memory.

I'm not sure if I want to know what happened to me.

But one thing's for sure...

It's all coming back now.


	32. Home Changes

_September 23, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Sorry I haven't written in a while. I know, it's been a very long time. So much has happened, though. And not all of it has been good. Most of it has been bad._

_I'll start with the good thing first. The good news is that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason found out that they're having a boy. Aunt Kathy brought home ultrasound pictures yesterday, and I got to see his little thing. It's weird to see. I also got to see his profile. He has chubby cheeks. They still don't know what to name him._

_That's the only good thing that came out of the last few days._

_I'll start with the terrible things now._

_I went to a party at my friend (associate) Alex's house. At the party, I drank a little bit, then I got tricked into drinking some more. I drank a whole lot, and I passed out. And I guess I was raped._

_Words cannot describe the amount of shame I feel, mommy. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and guilty._

_I just got to come home from the hospital three days ago. I was in there for four days straight._

_The first day, I couldn't drink or eat anything, because they were getting my blood alcohol count down. I was very hungry, but my throat hurt way too bad from all the tubes they stuck down it._

_The second day, they worked on my liver. I had to drink this nasty water stuff that made me pee. The doctor gave me four shots in my liver to make sure it was functioning okay. I got to take a shower after that, and it hurt really bad. My butt hurt and so did my crotch. The shower felt good on my achy body, but everything else just hurt. I'm guessing that I have cuts down there, because the soap burned badly._

_The doctor gave me a pregnancy test and an STD screening. I think that was the most degrading thing. Hoping that I wasn't pregnant by the person who raped me. Everything came back okay, though. The burning was from cuts and tears I had down there because I wasn't wet whenever he had sex with me. Apparently, if you're not wet enough for sex it can cause you to tear. I didn't know that._

_The third day in the hospital was when I was able to eat and drink. I couldn't keep anything down, though. I threw up so much food that my body wasn't absorbing the nutrients. The doctor said that I threw it all up because my stomach was still messed up from all that alcohol._

_The fourth day, I had to discuss some things with a different doctor. This doctor recommended me to another doctor that's more local. She was very interested in why I cut. She gave Aunt Kathy tips on how to prevent my cutting. I don't have any razors in my bathroom anymore._

_The whole time in the hospital, only six people came to visit me. Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason, Dallas, Selena, Nick and Joe._

_I was so excited to see Dallas, mom! She looks like she's doing great. She's lost a bunch of weight though. She says she spends most of her time at the gym on campus, because she didn't want to gain "the freshman fifteen." She didn't stay all four days, though. She stayed for two days & she bought me a blanket from Texas. It's orange with the Longhorns logo on it. It smells like her, so I sleep with it._

_Selena couldn't see me for three days, so she came on the fourth day. On the fourth day, she came and saw me and she was crying. She apologized to me a bunch of times and I had to keep telling her that it was okay. She brought me some new pajamas so that I'd be comfortable while I was in the hospital. I don't blame Selena for what happened to me._

_Joe brought me a teddy bear named "Boo Boo."_

_Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason approve of Joe. They say that they really like him. I'm glad about that._

_I still don't know what's gonna happen with my rape case. I know that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason have already opted to press maximum charges on Cody, but nothing's happened so far. He has a hearing next Monday, and I'm supposed to go and sit in on it._

_It's been a little over a week since it all happened. I haven't been to school in the last week, including my suspension days. I don't think any of my teachers are too mad at me for missing so much school._

_Selena's been bringing over my work so that I don't fall too far behind. Every time she brings me an assignment, she has a new card with her. So far, I have one card from Lacey, one card and a flower from Alex, one card that all of my homeroom signed for me, a personal card from Carrison and a card from Cody's parents. Aunt Kathy threw that card away, though._

_Aunt Kathy wants me to be mad, but I'd rather just forget. I don't want to have any memories of that night. I want to get over it._

_I haven't been allowed out of the house, either. I don't really mind not being allowed out, because I feel terrible anyway. I still feel like I have a hangover,_ _and I can taste the alcohol in my throat. I'm hoping it'll go away in good time._

_Since I'm not allowed out the house, Aunt Kathy is ordering pizza for me, Selena, Nick and Joe._

_I'm looking forward to having company. I've been holed up in the house since it happened._

_Selena has school, so she hasn't been over much. Nick has school too, and Joe has to work._

_The days that Joe doesn't work, he comes over and sits with me until Aunt Kathy comes home from her doctor's appointments or Uncle Jason comes home from work. They don't mind that Joe comes over. They like that I'm not home alone._

_Needless to say, Joe and I haven't had sex anymore. Joe doesn't even touch me like that anymore. I don't mind. I'm not really into sex. It's just not appealing to me anymore._

_When Joe comes and sits with me, we watch movies, one of us makes breakfast or lunch, we talk and we play on the Wii. It's nice to have company. I wonder how long I'm taking off school. I wonder when I'll go back. Aunt Kathy said that there's no rush._

_So, yeah. That's what's been on lately._

_I could really use you right now, mom._

_I love you._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I lock my letter up in my box and get out of my chair. It still hurts sometimes whenever I move the wrong way. It still hurts whenever I pee. The only relief I feel is when I'm in the shower. My body is feeble and my stomach still doesn't feel like it's fully recovered.

I go downstairs to wait for my guests to arrive.

Lately, Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason have been treating me well. They haven't said anything about my cuts, but when I'm talking to them, I notice their eyes wonder down to my wrist. I was told to give the cuts oxygen so they could scab over properly.

"Hey Demi..." Aunt Kathy rubs my arm as soon as I sit down on the couch next to her. "How you feeling today?"

"Yucky." I admit.

"Yucky? Your stomach bugging you still?" She massages the sore spot in my arm where all my IVs were.

"Yeah..."

"Doctor said that it'll go away..." She kisses my hand. "When's your company coming over?"

"Around...6."

"You been thinking of names for the baby?" Uncle Jason puts his feet up on the coffee table and asks me.

"Ignatius." I chuckle.

"What did you say?!"

"Igg. Nayy. Shuhs. Ignatius." I repeat with another laugh.

"I'm not naming my baby Ignatius, Demi." Aunt Kathy laughs.

"I was joking." I lean forward and grab a mint off the coffee table. "But what about Joshua or something..."

"Josh is cute." She nods. "We like Noah too."

"I like Noah. Noah could work." I give my approval as if they need it.

"Is Joe coming over too?" Uncle Jason raises his eyebrows.

"Yes..."

"He's a good kid." Aunt Kathy says, benevolently and approvingly.

"I know he is..."

"Don't forget to call your dad later. He called while you were sleeping. He's been trying to check on you."

"I'll call him..." I keep forgetting to call him. It keeps slipping my mind.

"...Can I see your arm?" Aunt Kathy just buts in. She says it nicely, though. As if she's very concerned.

I hesitate. That's one of my biggest secrets. But what the hell, she knows already.

I overturn my left arm and show her my wrist.

She runs her fingers softly over the cuts. "...You do this cause your mom's not around?"

I shrug.

"Your dad told us this isn't your first time with this..."

I shrug again.

"Do you want to go talk to somebody?"

I shake my head.

"...I'm gonna keep an eye on this, honey. If they don't get any better, I'm gonna have you talk to someone. Okay?"

I nod.

"I don't want to see anything bad happen to you, Demi. You know that, right?"

I nod again.

She leans in and kisses me on my cheek while hugging me. "Because I love you very, very much. And I don't want you hurting yourself any more. Okay?"

"...Okay."

I love my aunt. I love my aunt so much. I don't want her to take my mom's place, but she's a very good substitute. And calling her "Aunt Kathy" is getting to be a mouthful.

"Aunt Kathy?" I look up at her, lying on her shoulder.

"Yes, Demi?"

"...What do I call you?" I look away from her. "Instead of Aunt Kathy... But not mom."

"...Whatever you feel comfortable with, honey."

I sigh. "...You're not my mom. But you feel like her... But I don't want to call you mom..."

"...You know how your great grandma and your great grandpa... My grandparents are from Italy?" She starts caressing my arm.

"Yeah.. Don't they still live in Sicily?"

"Yes ma'am." She smiled at how I know that. "Did you know your mom and me used to go to Sicily once every summer to visit our grandparents?"

"No... You guys did?" That's so cool. I want to go to Sicily.

"Yes we did." She nods. "And we always called our grandma and grandpa nonna and nonno. Because they spoke fluent Sicilian. You know what we called our aunts and uncles?"

"No..."

"Zio and Zia. Zio is uncle. Zia is aunt. If its easier for you... You can call me Zia. My other niece calls me Zia."

"Zia." I try it out. "Zia would be good..." I nod.

I think I'll try to start calling Aunt Kathy my "Zia."

Aunt Kathy is just too much of a mouthful.


	33. Connection

_September 24, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Is it possible to forget every bad thing that's ever happened to you? Is it possible to just run away from it all? Is it possible to just... not feel?_

_I don't want to feel anymore. I hurt too much. I used to think that losing you was the end of the world. And in many ways, it still is the end of my world. I wish I still had you here. _

_I just want to forget about losing you. I want to forget about how bad this hurts._

_I also want to forget about the rape. I want to feel better. I want to get back what he's taken from me. I feel like he changed what I am. I'm not myself anymore. I can't get over it._

_Everyone keeps asking me what happened. On Facebook and stuff, they ask me. I don't really want to talk about it. _

_Today, Aunt Kathy has to go to a few doctor's appointments and she has to run some errands. Uncle Jason is at work, so Joe is coming over. That's the only reason I'm up so early is to let him in the house when he gets here._

_I love Joe. I love him because he didn't abandon me. I can still lean on him for support, which is the most important thing to me. _

_I'm going to leave now. I think Joe's here. I just heard a car pull into the driveway._

_Until next time, _

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I get out of my computer chair and look out the window. Sure enough, Joe's car is parked in the driveway.

I dash downstairs to go meet him. I unlock the door and open it up for him. He's dressed in red plaid pajama pants, a white t-shirt and slippers.

"Hey beautiful." He smiles and walks inside the house. I shut the door behind him.

"Hey..." I'm in a long t-shirt and my underwear.

"Did you sleep well?" He kisses my cheek and gives me a tight hug.

"Mhm." I nod while lying on his chest.

"What do you wanna do today? He strokes my hair, babying me.

I shrug. "I don't know... I'm tired..."

"You're still tired?" He kisses the top of my head. "You want to go lie down for a couple hours? Until...9:30? Then we can eat. And watch movies..."

I nod. "I wish we could go somewhere..."

"You're aunt and uncle don't want you out the house, baby." He rubs my back. "I don't want you out of the house either."

"I know."

"Let's go lie down. Come on." He holds my hand and leads me upstairs. I follow him to my room and lie in my bed with him.

"You gonna go to sleep?" He kisses my cheek and rubs my back.

I lie on his chest and close my eyes. "Yes..."

"Sleep well baby girl." He rubs my back softly. "Do you feel better?" He whispers.

I shrug.

"You still hurting?" He slides his hands up my shirt and rubs my bare back.

I nod.

"When you wake up... We'll take a bath. Get you to feel better down there." He kisses the top of my head.

I nod.

"What about your stomach baby girl? That still hurting?"

I nod.

"...Take a nap, okay? I love you. Just rest."

"Okay..." I whisper.

"I'll never let anyone hurt you again... You hear me?"

I just nod.

He keeps rubbing my back.

"...Are you mad at me for getting drunk?" I ask him.

"Of course I'm not. I've been drunk too, babe."

"...Well I thought you'd be mad that you're not my only anymore..."

"Don't... Don't think about that, baby girl. Don't..." He kisses my cheek. "I'm just glad that I... I was first."

"Me too." I rub his chest. "I'm glad you took my virginity..."

"Go to sleep, Demi. You need your rest."

"...Okay." I close my eyes and rest on his chest. I rest very well on Joe's body.

As I sleep, I begin to dream. I hate dreaming anymore. Because every time I dream, it's about the same exact thing.

The thing I'm trying to get away from.

I can't wake up, so I'm stuck dreaming about it.

Cody is lying on top of me, sweaty and shirtless. It's so hot in this bathroom that I think I'm melting.

My stomach is burning so bad that I feel the throw up rising deep in my throat. My legs are open wide, but I want to close them so badly. I can't close them when his pelvis is crushed between mine.

"Damn..." He mumbles in my ear. He positions his hands on either side of my body and looks down at me. The look on his face is a cross between pleasure and excitement. He has a slight smile and his eyebrows are raised as if he's surprised.

"Lemme go..." I beg him. By this time, I'm over screaming. My throat is burning and my voice is nearly gone.

"Uhhhh... Fuuuck..." He plunges himself deep inside me. It's like he's burying shame as well as his penis inside me.

I don't ask him to stop again. Instead, I lean my head to the side and cry. I'm slowly losing consciousness, and I wish it would fully be gone already so that this will all be over.

"So tight I'm barely going all the way in..." His smile grows wider. It feels like he's ramming a pole inside of me. A cold, icy, hard, sharp pole.

"Please stop... Please..." My consciousness is fading away at a steady pace. Between my legs, I feel myself losing feeling.

He stops moving and looks down at himself inside of me. "You're bleeding? Oh shit, you're a virgin?" He laughs a haunting laugh. Almost as if he's amused by my blood.

I shake my head. I'm not a virgin. I've had lots of sex with Joe. I don't know why I'm bleeding, if I actually am bleeding. What I do know is that this hurts. It hurts so bad. It never hurts this bad when I have sex with Joe.

Suddenly, something fills me up. Warm, oozy, gooey and probably white. That's the only thing I feel below my waist.

I think he's done, because he pulls out and gets off me. I lie there on the cold floor, ashamed, defeated and extremely embarrassed. He took me. I'm not Demi anymore. I'm less than myself.

In a cruel fashion, he decides to humiliate and take my humanity some more. Just as I thought he was done, he grabs me by my waist, effortlessly picks me up and turns me on my stomach.

I cry softly, but very loud. Like a five year old wailing because she can't find her mom in a supermarket.

He roughly shoves himself inside of me from the back. This definitely hurts worse than the front. It's sore and sharp pain at the same time. I'd do anything to make him stop. Anything...

"DEMI!" My head jolts back and forth. Ouch.

"What?" My voice comes out like I'm crying. My cheeks are wet. I'm crying?

"Calm down... Calm down..." Joe holds me tight and strokes my sweaty hair. He rocks back and forth with me in his arms. "It's okay..."

"Okay?" I sniff. I didn't even realize I was crying.

"It's okay... It's okay baby." He keeps rocking me back and forth and rubbing my hair.

I look at his arms. They're holding me so tight that his muscles are bared. His shirt is soaking wet. Was I crying?

"He won't hurt you no more. I won't let him..." He strokes my cheek. "I love you..."

"Joe..." I call his name, specifically because I can. I'm still a little bit disoriented from my dream too.

"It's me, baby... It's me." He kisses my cheek.

I sniff again.

"...Are you still tired?" He speaks to me softly and keeps rocking me back and forth.

I shake my head.

"You want to take a bath? And grab something to eat?"

I nod.

"Alright. Come on, love." Slowly, he lets me go and gets out of the bed. I follow him to my bathroom.

As if he lives here himself, he starts the bath water and puts a little bit of bubble bath into it.

He helps me undress my body as if I can't do it myself. He holds my hand and helps me step in. I lean back and relax.

"Did you have a bad dream about it?" He undresses himself too, ready to get in behind me.

I just nod and make room for him.

He climbs in behind me and lets me lean back against him. He rests his hands on my stomach.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He rubs bubbles all over my breasts. "Sometimes it feels better to talk about it."

I shake my head and close my eyes.

He doesn't say anything else. He keeps rubbing the bubbles all over my chest, massaging my breasts. They're still sore from being bitten.

"...I thought he was gonna kill me." I admit. I've never admitted that to anyone. I don't like looking so defenseless.

"But he didn't, beautiful. He didn't..."

"I started bleeding and I just felt horrible..." I sniff and shake my head.

"...You bled?" I guess he didn't know that.

I nod.

"...Why'd you bleed?"

"The doctor said it was because I didn't have proper lubrication. And all the friction caused me to tear."

"Baby..." He rubs my shoulders. "It's okay now."

I just nod. I know that it's okay.

I hold his hand and he holds mine. He strokes my knuckles with his thumb and turns my hand palm up. I don't think anything of it.

"Oh my... GOD." His eyes are wide and unchanging as he stares at my left wrist.

I nearly jump out of my skin pulling my arm away from him. "What..."

"What did you do?!" He exclaims, grabbing my wrist again.

"Nothing..."

"You cut?!"

"It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?! NOT A BIG DEAL?! Demi! How STUPID..." This is the first time I've ever seen Joe truly cry. He's always so strong for me. He's broken right now.

"...It's just a few cuts.. They're healing..." I try to make him feel better.

"Demi, no..." He sniffs and holds his hands over his eyes. "No, no, no, NO."

"I'm stopping... I'm stopping..." I want him to stop crying. Please don't cry.

"Don't do that, baby girl. Don't do that. You're worth... So much more. There are other ways..."

"You don't understand what I've had to deal with, Joe..." I try to defend myself.

"What could you possibly have to deal with that's so bad? Because of the rape, I can see. But there are old ones, Demi. Old ones..." He shakes his head.

"You don't know the half of it.."

"Then tell me! I really want to understand why you feel the need to hurt yourself."

"It's everything! My mom got the cancer then my dad started falling apart then my mom died and all my family still lives in Texas and here I am in Florida..." I sniff and start sobbing. I've never told Joe the full story of why I'm here. He never asked, so I never told.

"...Your mom's dead?"

"Why do you think I'm not living with her?... It's because she's dead..." I sniff. "She was the only person that ever understood me and now she's dead..." I wipe my eyes. "She told me it was just like those times when she would leave us for a week or two to go on tour and sing..." I shake my head. "But it's different, because she's not coming home this time."

"..." Joe just doesn't say anything to me after that. He just reaches out and holds me tight. Sometimes, that's all you can say.

"I just want all the pain to go away... That's all..." I hiccup.

"...I know... Babe. I know..." He kisses my cheek. "I know you want the pain to go away..." He rubs my arm. "But sometimes...that doesn't take away your pain... It just adds to it..." He kisses my cheek. "You think it's taking your pain away, but it's making it so much worse."

"How could you possibly know that?" I wipe my tears away and look at him.

He doesn't say anything. Instead, he pulls his arm out of the water and turns his arm palm-side up to me. On his left wrist, there are no fresh cuts. But there are scars upon scars. Scars that look like they belonged to pretty deep cuts.

"It doesn't help... It just makes it suck more...because you'll feel guilty after doing it."

I just stare at his wrist. Oh my god...

I wish I could've been his savior. I wish I could've been his strength, his supporter, his shoulder to cry on when he needed it.

I wish I could've been to him what he is to me now.


	34. That's It

_September 25, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I'm going a little crazy being in this house. I need to get out of here. I'm tired of looking at the same four walls. I'm tired of being with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason all day. I just need to get out._

_I know that I'm not ready to go back to school, though. It's not just because I hate school either. I'm just not ready to go back and listen to everyone throw a pity party for me._

_I wish I could go out with Selena or something. She asked me if I wanted to go to the beach yesterday and Uncle Jason said I wasn't allowed to go. _

_Yesterday, Joe came over and spent some time with me so that I wasn't alone. Apparently, I had a bad dream and he had to wake me up from it. After he woke me up, we got in the bath together. And he showed me his scars. _

_Needless to say, I was shocked that Joe used to cut too. He told me all about his cuts. His story was nothing like mine though. When he was in high school, he was popular. He was the quarterback of the football team and everything. But his home life sucked._

_His mom cheated on his dad and they were on the verge of getting a divorce. He told me that his parents would fight every night and sometimes, his dad would throw glass plates at his mom. He and his older brother, Kevin had to take care of the two younger ones whenever their parents were fighting and it took a really bad toll on them. He said Kevin started drinking to deal with the fighting and the instability. His younger brother, Nick was selling drugs, and the littlest, Frankie had been expelled from school for throwing scissors at a teacher. All the boys were acting out because their home life was bad._

_Joe was the only functioning one most of them times, and he got really stressed out and started to cut. _

_Sometime last year, his mom and dad found out about everything, and they got them all therapy. He stopped cutting, and now everything is good. Kevin doesn't drink much anymore, Joe doesn't cut, Nick doesn't sell drugs and Frankie is back in school._

_He said it's not perfect, but it's getting better._

_I feel like if Joe got better, I can too. So for that, I'm really trying not to cut._

_Dallas called me today. She was crying a lot and she just needed to vent to me. She told me that she had to drop one of her classes because daddy needs a babysitter for Madison on Tuesdays. Even though Texas State is a good two hours away from Colleyville, Dallas agreed to watch her on Tuesdays. _

_I feel really bad for Dallas. You ever think that too much pressure is put on her? She was really upset, because with her dropping the class, she won't graduate for another year and a half. And apparently, Madison has turned into a little brat. _

_Dallas was crying because Maddie kept screaming about how much she didn't want chicken nuggets for lunch, and she kicked her in her knee. I told her to beat Madison's ass._

_I told Dallas to hang in there. She said she'd try. And that's all I could ask from her._

_Aside from Dallas, I also talked to daddy. He was at work when he called. Apparently his new job is doing very well. He's a car salesman. He told me everything is okay in Texas, though he's not sure if there will be enough money to come spend Christmas here in Florida._

_Daddy sure knows how to make me feel better. I like hearing from him. It lets me know that he still cares._

_Oh, and Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason picked out a name for the baby. Tyler Jacob. I'm gonna call him T.J. for short._

_I don't know if I'm excited for the baby yet. I just hope he's cute. I won't be able to deal if he's ugly, haha._

_Anyway, apparently Aunt Kathy is due March 1. That's a long time away to be waiting for a baby. _

_I remember when you had Maddie. Me and Dallas had to wait in this room, then daddy brought her out to us. She was so cute, but she was so chubby. _

_Anyway, I love you mommy._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_September 26, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I'm getting out of the house today. It's not for a good cause, but I'm still getting out. The hearing is today. I have to go sit in and watch._

_Joe wanted to come, but he has to work. I'm not sure how I'm going to do with seeing Cody. I'm just hoping for the best._

_I just want this to all be over and done with. I don't even care about a punishment. I just want to forget. _

_I wonder if I'll get a fine or something. For drinking underage. _

_Anyway, I have to go. Sorry this letter was so short, but it's all I have time to write for the day._

_I'll let you know how the hearing goes._

_I love you!_

_Until Next Time,_

_Love always, _

_Demi._

* * *

"Demi?" Aunt Kathy knocks twice on my door before she opens it. "Are you ready to go, honey?" Aunt Kathy is wearing black dress pants and a pretty white shirt. I'm totally underdressed.

I have on blue jeans and a sparkly red shirt. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Okay, let's go honey."

I get up from my chair and follow her downstairs, shutting my bedroom door behind myself.

Uncle Jason is already in the car.

"How's T.J.?" I ask as we walk out of the house. I'm a little nervous to go to this hearing. I talk when I'm nervous.

"He's fine today. Giving me heartburn."

"That sucks..."

"Hey, punk. Get in the driver's seat." Uncle Jason says to me, looking out the rolled down window.

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

I shrug and get into the driver's seat of the truck. I adjust the seat and the mirrors.

"I was thinkin about taking you to get your permit this week." He fastens his own seat belt.

I start the car and slowly back out of the driveway. "That's fine... I need it." I slowly drive down the road. I think I remember where the magistrate office is.

"Ease up off the gas just a little, sweetheart." Aunt Kathy says from the backseat.

I lay off the gas and drive slower. "Do I make this next left?"

"Yes, turn on this street."

I make a flawless turn and drive straight again.

"The office is straight ahead."

I continue straight until I see the grey building. There are two police cars parked outside. I pull into a parking space.

"You're an a excellent driver, Demi." Aunt Kathy compliments me as we all get out of the truck.

"Thanks..." I feel so sick right now. My stomach is in knots.

Uncle Jason puts his arm around me and walks with me into the building. It's cool and air-conditioned in here. It smells like library books and paint in here.

"What case are you here for?" An old woman asks from behind a desk.

"The... Ross case. Cody Ross." Aunt Kathy tells her.

I shudder at the sound of his name.

"Here you go. Straight through the first set of double doors." She hands Aunt Kathy three yellow clip on tags that say "VISITOR" on them in black letters.

I clip mine onto the bottom of my shirt. My legs are shaking so bad.

Uncle Jason puts his arm around me again and we walk through the double doors. There are rows upon rows upon rows of seats, and one big desk in the front. It doesn't look like the courtrooms you see on TV.

A tough looking blonde woman that's sitting at the big desk looks up as we enter.

"Lovato and family?" She asks.

"Yes." Uncle Jason answers.

"Have a seat in the first two rows."

I sit down, Aunt Kathy sits next to me and Uncle Jason sits on the other side of me. I'm still shaking.

In the row across from our row, there is a young, skinny black woman with long hair and nice clothes sitting beside a broad shouldered, buff white man. I think they're Cody's parents.

"Ronnie, bring in the boy, we'd like to get started." The judge orders a man dressed in a police outfit. The policeman nods once and disappears through a side door.

My eyes are watering... Or maybe it's just tears.

After a few moments, the side door opens up again.

Cody comes in, with his ankles chained, wearing an orange jumpsuit. His facial hair isn't groomed.

He sits on his parents' side in the row in front of them.

"Let's get this under weigh." The judge scribbles some things down on a sheet of paper.

Cody looks at me from across the aisle. He's glaring at me.

Is it hot in here? I'm sweating so bad.

"We're here today to discuss the sentencing for the rape... Committed by..."

I don't hear anything she says after "by." The only thing I hear is my heart beating in my ears. I'm sweating buckets.

"It's hot..." I whisper to my aunt. I'm starting to breathe heavy.

"Demi..." Aunt Kathy feels my forehead.

"The records and statements I have here from the police are saying that on the night of September 15, at approximately 10:45 p.m., Mr. Ross took Miss Lovato into a secluded bathroom in which he forcibly engaged in both vaginal and anal intercourse..."

I hear my heartbeat again. "I'm hot Aunt Kathy..."

"Demi...just... Jason... Hand me your water."

"No, Aunt Kathy I'm really really hot." I'm fanning myself. I'm breathing really fast and I can't stop.

I look over at Cody, and all I can see is his face when he was hovering over top of me. Pushing himself in and out even when I begged for him to stop. His smile is burned in the back of my mind.

I can feel my stomach churning.

I hear myself saying, "Please stop..."

I can feel his blood under my fingernails from me digging into his back, trying to get him off.

I'm breathing so heavy and I'm sweating so much. "Aunt Kathy I have... I have..." I stand up. When I stand up, something warm and wet is between my legs. I look down and see that I've pissed my pants.

Next thing I know, I'm on the floor. Bam, just like that.

Since when did I start fainting?


	35. Angry

_October 1, 2008 _

_Dear Mom, _

_Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's been all too much. _

_The court hearing went... interesting. I fainted, and I don't remember much that happened before that. When I woke up from my fainting spell, I was back in the hospital. This time, I only had to stay for three hours. Nothing happened much at the hospital. The doctor just told Aunt Kathy to make sure I eat real good and make sure that I get good rest. I've been eating good and resting good for the last week. That's why I haven't written._

_Cody got a year in juvenile and three years probation, and when he turns eighteen, he has to register as a sex offender. I don't know how I feel about his sentencing._

_I actually got out of the house yesterday. I went to Dairy Queen with Selena and Nick. Joe was working. I had fun, but I could've done without them asking me what happened at the hearing the whole time. _

_After I got back from Dairy Queen, Joe came over. He brought me breadsticks from the pizza place he works at in the mall. _

_I don't know how Joe makes time for me. He has two jobs and he goes to school. I must be important to him. He's in college to study Child Psychology, which I think is cute. _

_Today is Sunday, and I really don't know what I'm doing. I probably won't do anything but sit in this house today. I guess I don't mind sitting i the house. It's a long shot that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason will let me out again._

_On a nice note to end with, I've slowed down with cutting. I haven't done it in two days now, and the last time I did it, I only did it once. Are you proud of me?_

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I'm hungry, and it's only 11:30, so Aunt Kathy won't be making lunch for another hour. Time to go raid the fridge.

I get up from my desk and head downstairs. I'll probably make myself a hot pocket or something.

I walk past my uncle lying on the couch and into the kitchen. Aunt Kathy is putting away groceries.

"Hey kid... What do you want for lunch?" She asks me. She puts a bag of hot wings into the freezer.

"I don't know... But I'm hungry." I look in the cupboard for something to snack on. I settle for a bag of Doritos.

"I'll make some chicken patties and waffle fries. That good?" She pulls out a cookie sheet and the bag of waffle fries.

"Sounds good." I sit at the island and tear open the Doritos.

"And I was wondering if you would help me with something..." She keeps emptying bags.

"Depends on what it is..." I shove two Doritos into my mouth.

"I'm having a weird pregnancy craving... And I was wondering if you'd help me make it..."

"What is it?" I sip my Capri Sun.

"Will you help me make some dirt?"

"Dirt?"

"Dirt. You know... With the Oreos and the pudding..."

"Oh! Dirt... Sure. I'll help." I get up from the stool and walk over to her. She sets out Oreos, cream cheese, vanilla pudding, milk, powdered sugar and butter.

"You crush up the cookies for me. Okay?" She hands me two packages of Oreos.

I use a meat tenderizing mallet and hammer on the cookies.

Aunt Kathy starts laughing at me, "Demi! Put the cookies in a plastic bag before you crush them up!"

I laugh too. "Oh..." I put the cookies in a Ziploc bag.

Silently for a while, we sit and cook together. I crush up the cookies and she mixes the other ingredients together.

Finally, Aunt Kathy speaks up, "So what's going on for today? Are you just gonna chill out here with us?"

"I kind of want to see Joe today... But he's working. So I'll probably just sit here..."

"Why don't you invite Selena over?"

"It's her and Nick's anniversary thingy today, so she's busy."

"Oh... Well... If you can find something to do... It wouldn't hurt to get out of the house for a little while..."

"Yeah..." I finish crushing the Oreos. I grab my phone from the pocket of my basketball shorts. "I'll be back, Aunt Kathy." I go outside and sit down on the patio.

Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's backyard is enormous. There's a huge in-ground pool, but it's dirty and hasn't been open in a really long time. I'd like to ask them to reopen it.

I collapse into a hammock and unlock my phone. I call Joe.

"Hey beautiful." He answers.

"Hey..." I cross my legs in the hammock.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing... Just... Sitting here. When are you going to work?"

"I gotta work at 12:40... I get off at 5."

"I wanna see you today..." I sigh.

"I wanna see you too, babe. But I'm working..."

I sigh. "...What are you doing after work?"

"I have class until 7..."

"Okay... Guess I'll see you tomorrow."

He pauses for a moment on the other end of the phone. "...You wanna come to work with me?"

"I can't come to work with you..."

"Yes you can, babe. You can come. As long as you don't sit around, my boss won't mind."

"...Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. If you want to see me, you can come to work with me. I wanna see you too, baby."

"Okay..."

"Hurry and get ready. I have to leave soon."

"Okay." I hang up the phone and go back inside the house. "Aunt Kathy?"

"Yes, Demi?" She's spreading the crushed up cookies over the mixture she made.

"Can I go out for a few hours with Joe? I'll be back around 5..."

"Where are you going?"

"To the mall..."

"...Alright. Just leave your phone on..."

"I will." I promise her.

Ever since that night, Aunt Kathy makes sure that I have my phone on at all times. I think she worries a little too much, but it's nice that she cares.

I take my phone off vibrate, just to be sure that I actually do it. It's the least I can do for her.

* * *

"You know nothing about making pizza... Let me show you how it's done..." Joe nudges me to the side.

"Oh, come on! How hard can it be to just lay sauce over crust?" I step aside and watch him.

He uses a spoon and spreads the sauce over the pizza. Did I mention how cute he looks in his uniform? Red is a nice color on him.

"Oh please." I laugh. You're not even doing a good job. I can make better pizza than that."

"The goal is to sell the pizza, Demi. Not kill people because your pizza is so nasty."

"Bet you my pizza is better than yours."

He sprinkles cheese over the pizza. "I remember the first time I saw you here..."

"Do you? I remember it too..." I sit down next to an oven.

"You ordered pizza and breadsticks..." He plasters pepperoni all over the pizza and pops it in the oven.

"You remember what I ate?"

"I remember everything about you." He sits next to me and kisses my cheek.

"I can't believe you're letting me be at work with you..." I look around. The kitchen part of the pizza place is so small that only me and Joe can fit in here.

"You said you wanted to see me. And I wanted to see you..." He hands me a piece of a cinnamon stick.

I nibble on it. "I don't understand how you make time for me. You're so busy...with two jobs..."

"Ehh... It's nice to have money." He shrugs.

"Money?" I laugh. "You're broke as hell!"

"Oh really?"

"Really."

He pulls out a big wad of money from his pocket. It looks like the wad is all 20s.

"...Drug dealer!" I tease him.

"I got paid today." He laughs and kisses my cheek.

"Then buy me something..."

"What do you want?"

"I don't want anything, I'm just kidding babe." I shake my head.

"Do you think we need more time together?" He asks me, handing me another piece of cinnamon stick.

"Sometimes..." I admit.

"I'm thinking about quitting one of my jobs..."

"Joe. Don't... Don't quit just because of me..."

"It's not just because of you... I just don't have any free time. I want free time for myself. And to spend with you..."

I sigh. "It's just something we have to deal with..."

"I don't want to deal with it. I hate my schedule."

"You never hated it before me..."

"That's not the point, babe." He checks on the cooking pizza.

"Then what's the point?"

"The point is... I'm tired of being so busy. You know that two weeks from now, it'll be two months since the day we met. And I wanted to take you out two Saturdays from now, but I can't do that because I have to work."

"We can go out on your off day..."

"No, Demi... It's not just that..."

"What is it then?"

"If I wasn't working all the time, I could be there for you. I could be there for you when you need me..."

"What are you talking about, Joe?"

"...You know I still blame myself for that night... You know that. I was gonna go to the party... But they had me on cleanup duty at the store..."

"That's not your fault, Joe... I just... Shouldn't have drank..."

"You know what, Demi?!" He grabs me by my shoulders. Suddenly, he's all frustrated.

"..What did I do?"

"STOP THAT! STOP IT!"

"Stop what!?"

"BLAMING YOURSELF!" He lets me go and slams his head against a wall, not too hard.

"...But..."

"Shut up, Demi. I don't care HOW you put it. NOTHING about that was your fault. I wish you'd get angry... Your whole attitude is pissing me off. That boy dragged you in a bathroom and took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. And he FORCED you to drink. Nothing about that is your fault... I know you're angry about it... I know you are..."

I sigh and think about what he said. "But I shouldn't have drank in the first place, you know?"

"Demetriaaaaaa." He kneels in front of me and puts his head in my knees. He's frustrated with me. "...Let me put it to you this way..."

I listen to him.

"You went to a party... With Selena and Nick... To have FUN and drink with your FRIENDS... Right?"

I nod.

"Then... He STOLE that from you. He dragged you in a bathroom and raped you, when you were just trying to have FUN... Right?"

I reluctantly nod.

"You should be SEETHING... That he felt like he could control you enough to have sex with you. That he wanted you so fucking badly... That he had to RAPE you to get you..."

When he puts it that way... I am a little angry. When he puts it that way... I am really pissed off.

And I realize the I REALLY want Cody to burn in hell.

He can rot in hell.


	36. Back

The soft alarm on my phone blares loudly. A little too loud for what I've recently been used to.

Instead of fighting it like I so desperately want to, I reach over and tap the lock button to quiet it. It's 5:30 in the morning, and I am so tired. I barely got any sleep last night, but that's okay. I still feel very refreshed.

My feet touch my plush yellow rug, and I stretch. Aunt Kathy is sure to be up at this hour. She has to go to the hospital for an appointment this morning.

Rubbing my eyes to clear them of sleep, I go into my bathroom and start my shower water. When I'm sure the water is warm enough, I take off my pajamas and step in. The warm water feels good and it does a good job to keep me awake.

I wash my thick hair and move on to wash my body. Careful around my nipples, I wash my boobs. They're almost completely healed from Cody's bite marks.

Carefully, I wash between my legs. My privates don't hurt much anymore, but they're sore as they're healing. Especially my ass.

When my body is clean, I get out and wrap a towel around myself. I wrap a towel around my hair too.

I brush my teeth at my sink. I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited.

I go back into my room when I'm finished brushing my teeth and look for clothes to wear.

It's supposed to be a little chillier today, so I grab a pair of white capris and a blue Hollister shirt. I put on a comfortable pair of underwear that won't make my privates hurt more than they already do, and a soft padded bra. I pull on my shirt and my pants and slip on blue flip flops.

I'm glad I have the kind of hair that waves when it air dries, so I take the towel off my head and let it air dry. It's already mostly dry from the towel.

I spray myself with some perfume, nix the makeup for the day, grab my cell phone and head downstairs to the kitchen.

Sure enough, Aunt Kathy is at the stove making herself scrambled eggs. Her doctor said that she has to eat lots of eggs to make sure T.J. is healthy.

Quietly, I sit down at the island. The only noise I make is when I pull out the barstool to sit.

After scrambling the eggs with a spatula, she turns around. "...You're up early, aren't you?" She seems surprised to see me.

I tap my fingers on the island. "I thought I should get back in school..."

"...Are you sure?"

I nod.

"Absolutely positive?"

I nod again.

"...Well let's get you some breakfast then." She smiles and scrapes the mound of eggs onto two separate plates. She butters up four pieces of toast and hands me two.

I'm actually very hungry. "Thanks..."  
I put some of the soft eggs into my mouth. I don't understand how my aunt is such a good cook.

She sits down across from me and eats with me. "What made you decide to go back?"

"I'm tired of falling behind..." I shrug and finish off my eggs.

"You sure you're ready for this?" She polishes off her toast.

"Ready as I can be." I start working on my toast.

"That's my girl." She smiles and pats my wrist.

I smile back. "I just don't want people to be all sad for me... I wanna get over it..."

"That's a start." She nods once. "Maybe people will be considerate."

"Hopefully..." I sigh and finish eating.

"...What about your other problem? Can I see that?" She collects my plate and takes it to the sink when I finish.

"What other problem?" I ask, clueless.

"On your arm, honey..." She dances around it with her words.

"Oh..." I sigh. If I refuse to show her, I'll look suspicious. But if I show her, then she'll see that I have one fresh cut.

Torn, I just turn my hand palm-up and let her see. I covered them slightly with makeup, but the freshest cut is still visible.

"...Looks okay..." She brushes her thumb over the scars and scabs. "When did you do this one?" She stops at my freshest one.

I won't lie to her. "...three days ago..."

"That's too soon for me..." She shakes her head. "I want to get you someone to talk to..."

"I don't want anyone..."

"Yeah, well I don't want a dead niece." She shuts off the lights in the kitchen and grabs her car keys.

I spring up from the chair and grab my bag, my purse and my phone. "I'm not gonna die..."

"If you hit a vein, you will." She shuts the front door behind us.

"Nuh uh..." I climb in the front seat of the car.

"Yes huh, Demi." She starts the car and backs out of the driveway.

"Nuh uh! Cause you have to cut downwards to bleed and die!" I say triumphantly.

Aunt Kathy doesn't say a word. She just looks at me, even as she's driving. I won.

Teasingly, I stick my tongue out at her.

"...The fact that you know that scares me. You are one scary child." She shakes her head and nears the school.

"T.J.'s gonna be a scary child too." I laugh.

"I won't let him be." She shakes her head and pulls in to the drop off section of school.

I laugh and grab the door handle. "See you, Aunt Kathy..."

"Wait, Demi." She talks in a serious tone all of a sudden.

I stop trying to get out. "Yeah?"

"...If it's too rough... Gimme a call. I'll come scoop you up so fast..."

"I will, Aunt Kathy." I nod.

She leans over and kisses my cheek. "Have a nice day at school, kid."

"I will..." I get out of the car and head inside the building.

I kind of missed being in school. I missed the socialization and the learning part. I didn't miss actually being here.

Just as I'm arriving to school, the bell to first period is ringing. Naturally, I fill in with the crowd walking to first period. I notice that a few of the seniors are staring at me. I feel like throwing up my breakfast.

I speed walk down the hall and disappear into Carrison's class before anyone else can see me.

Nobody's in the classroom yet, so I take my seat near the window beside Carrison's desk. I grab my math notebook from my bag and screw my book in my locker.

The first person to come in the room after me is a boy named Frank. He just looks at me briefly before taking his seat. After Frank, bitch Amanda comes in. She looks at me for a long time.

Lacey and Alex walk in together. Alex takes his seat one row away from me, and Lacey walks directly over to me.

"...Welcome back. If you're lost in any class... Just ask." She smiles at me and rubs my back.

I smile politely. "Thanks..."

"Have a nice vacation?" Alex jokes.

I nod and smile. "Very nice."

Finally, Nick walks in, Selena following close behind him.

"...DEEEMI!" Selena runs over to me and embraces me, nearly knocking me out of my chair. "HIIII!"

I laugh. "Hi... I just saw you yesterday..."

"I KNOW BUT YOU'RE IN SCHOOL!"

I nod. "Yeah... I am."

The bell rings again, and Selena rushes to her seat reluctantly.

In walks Carrison. He looks directly at me and smiles. He doesn't say anything, though. I'm grateful for that.

"Good morning, class." Carrison claps his hands together. "Isn't this a lovely Monday morning?" He motions to the window. It's cloudy outside and it looks like it might rain.

"So for today, I have some problems on the whiteboard that I'd like for you to try for 15 minutes. We'll go over them, and the rest of the class is free." He gives us the assignment and retreats back to his desk.

I open up my notebook to a clean sheet of paper and begin to write. Thanks to Selena, I'm not all that lost. I know how to do Pythagorean Theorem.

I write down the problem: If a triangle has legs that are 30 and 50, what is the length of the hypotenuse?

I start solving the problem. 30 squared is 90. 50 squared is 1000. 1000 + 90 is 1090...

"Demi..." Carrison calls me.

I look up from my paper. I look at him.

"Can I see you at my desk for a moment?"

Slowly, I stand up and walk to his desk.

"...Welcome back, Kiddo." He smiles at me. "You need help on anything... Just ask. If you have a tough time with anyone, just tells." He hands me a Hershey kiss.

"Thanks..." I smile and take the chocolate.

"Don't mention it." He gives my arm a pat and let's me go.

I sit back down at my desk and start working again.

Bitch Amanda keeps glaring at me.

I guess I'll just let it go.

* * *

"Dodgeball today." The gym teacher blows his whistle before he takes roll.

I stand next to Selena with my black shorts and white t-shirt. I've been having a really good day in school. Two more periods to go before I get to go home and tell Joe all about my day.

"TEAMS!" The teacher yells. He starts rambling off names. "LOVATO, GOMEZ, WELLER, PARKS, JAMESON..."

I walk to the other side of the gym with Selena. Bitch Amanda is on our team.

"I'm so happy you're back in school, Dem." Selena smiles and stretches her arms.

"I'm happy too..." I agree and pull my hair up into a ponytail.

"Nobody cares." Bitch Amanda rolls her eyes at me.

I'm not in the mood. I roll my eyes back at her.

The teacher blows the whistle and the dodgeball game starts.

I stay near the back until the end. I'm not very good at dodgeball.

"She thinks just cause she got fucked at a party means that we all have to bow down to her." I hear Bitch Amanda gossiping to another dark haired girl.

I'm REALLY not in the mood. "You have a problem?" I ask her. My voice is smart, attitude filled.

"Look who has balls now." She chuckles in a mocking fashion. "And not Cody's balls that were in her mouth."

I'm seething already, oh my god. "You fat bitch... Shut the-"

"Demi, just let it go... Let it go..." Selena grabs me by my arm. "You don't need this..."

"No! She doesn't know what she's talking about!" I'm pulling away from Selena. I'm crying and I'm not sure why.

"Demi, chill! You're not getting suspended again!" She holds my arms. "Just calm down... She's a bitch..."

I'm breathing really heavy. I don't think I've been so angry in my life.

Thank god for Selena, though.

* * *

_October 3, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I went back to school today! It went pretty well._

_School wasn't that bad today, I was really glad to be back. At first, I was nervous, but it ended up okay._

_All my teachers were understanding. My English teacher talked to me about it and she told me that I can talk to her about anything._

_Gym class was the only class that irritated me all day. This bitch named Amanda started running her mouth about the rape. I really wanted to fight her, but Selena wouldn't let me. I guess I'm grateful for Selena._

_After school, I went to Joe's house for an hour. I told him all about school today and he helped Me calm all the way down about Amanda._

_It feels nice that I'm actually getting my life back. The life I had before the rape, I mean._

_I think Selena's my best friend. Don't tell anyone, but after Joe's house today, I went with her to steal a pregnancy test. She couldn't buy one, because the cashier in the drugstore knew her mom very well and she'd tell her. She's going to take the pregnancy test tomorrow morning when she wakes up. I held her while she cried about the possibility of being pregnant. Nick swore to her that he'd stick with her. I don't think I'd wipe Selena's tears if I didn't love her. I bonded with her on a much more personal level today._

_I guess I don't have anything else to tell you about, except for the fact that Aunt Kathy is getting me a therapist. She doesn't like me cutting, even if I stopped doing it so much._

_I'm actually really tired, so I'm going to go to sleep. I love you, mom. Sleep tight tonight. I'll sleep well._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._


	37. Confusion

_October 4, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today was... Interesting._

_First off, let me start by saying that interesting isn't either a good thing nor a bad thing. It's a general thing._

_In school today, I made it through 5 periods before I got sent home. I got sent home early, and I'll get into that in a little while._

_I had a math test today in first period, and I aced it. Mr. Carrison checked them right after we finished, and I got an A+ on it. I got two bonus points from a bonus question on the test. I'm not sure what my current grade is in the class, but I'll find out soon enough, because today is midterm. Our midterm grades were sent out today._

_In English, we're reading The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I think it's super interesting. We're only on chapter 5, and I'm already hooked. I'll probably read ahead._

_Anyway, to get a better knowledge of what happened in the book, we're researching The Holocaust. I think what happened to the Jews was terrible. My English teacher mentioned that once we're finished reading the novel, we'll take a trip to the theater to watch the movie._

_Now on to the reason why I was sent home..._

_I told you about yesterday in gym class, how Amanda was acting like a bitch towards me. Well, today in gym, she was a bitch again. But this time, she really set me off. _

_We were playing kickball and she was on my team. Just my luck, she kicked right after me, so we were stuck in line together. _

_She started teasing me about the rape and she told me I deserved it. And something inside my brain just...snapped._

_Anyway, me and Amanda started to fist fight each other. Amanda is a good 20 pounds heavier than I am, and she's very solid. It wasn't an easy fight, but I knew it would be hard when I threw the first punch. _

_I think I was full of adrenaline, because everyone said that I won. _

_Mom, I was so animalistic when I fought her, it was scary. I remember thinking that I wanted to draw blood. _

_It was so bad that everyone was scared to break it up, so the gym teacher had to get the school cop to break it up._

_I never got her on the ground, and she never got me on the ground. She had ahold of my ponytail and she wouldn't let it go. I had her by her shirt and her hair with one hand, and I punched with my other. I remember slamming her head off the fire alarm after she kicked me in my leg. I punched her in the stomach._

_When the school cop pulled us away from each other, I saw her face. I could hardly recognize her, there was so much blood. Her nose was bloody and her eyes were bloody too. I didn't know that digging your fingers in someone's eyes could make them bleed..._

_My hair was just all messed up and my arms are sore. I'm not missing any hair, and I don't have any black eyes or bloody faces. I just have a few scratches on my chest. _

_After the fight, I was sent to the office, of course. By that time, I was crying. Not because I was hurt, but because I was sorry for fighting in school and getting suspended again._

_The principal called me in to her office and I sat across from her. I was still crying._

_She talked to me calmly. She basically told me that she was sorry for what happened to me. She informed me that all my teachers know about what happened that night. She told me that she was aware that I was probably going through hell. _

_I told her the whole story of why I snapped out on Amanda, and she handed me tissues. _

_Then, she told me that she was calling Aunt Kathy to come get me. She told me she wanted me to take the remainder of the day off to go cool down and relax._

_I asked her if I was suspended and if I got a fine. Because usually, when you fight in school, you get a suspension and a fine for disorderly conduct._

_She told me that because I was going through a lot that she would halt both a suspension and a fine. But she did warn me that if I fight again, I'd be double-penalized. _

_Neither Aunt Kathy nor Uncle Jason were mad at me for fighting once I told them what Amanda said to me. Aunt Kathy made me grilled cheese for lunch and took a nap on the couch with me. I slept on their love seat._

_I guess I feel bad, because we both fought, and Amanda's suspended and I'm not. But it's whatever, I guess. _

_I'm not sure what I'm doing today, but I hope I'm doing something. I just woke up from my nap, and it's still not time for Selena and Nick to be home from school. _

_I just can't believe I big into a fight. At least I won, I guess._

_I can't wait to tell Dallas about the fight later on tonight. I know she'll be proud._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi. _

I wonder what Joe's doing right now. He's probably at work, but it's been a while since I've talked to him, so I'm gonna call him. I haven't talked to him since last night.

I grab my phone and call him. If he doesn't answer, I know he's at work.

"Hello..." His voice is muggy, like he hasn't talked in a while.

"What are you doing?"

"I was sleep..." He yawns into the phone. "Then you called..."

"You were sleep?"

"Yeah...it's only 12:00..."

"Well wake up. I wanna see you today..."

"Why aren't you in school?"

"I got out early. I'll explain later... Just... Come over or something."

"I don't feel like coming over there, Demi. I'm hungry..."

"...Oh..." I sigh. "I guess I'll see you like... Tomorrow or something..."

"I never said I didn't want to see you today..." He yawns again. "...Be ready in like... Fifteen minutes. I'll be over to scoop you up."

"Where are we going?"

"I told you I was hungry. We're gonna grab something to eat."

"Alright. See you." I nod.

"Love you."

"Love you too."

I hang up the phone and stretch. Knowing Joe, we'll probably go to the pizza place or something.

I put on a pair of really short shorts and a tank top. My shorts are so short that you can almost see my butt hanging out the bottom.

I leave my room and go into my aunt and uncle's room. It's empty, so I call her name. "Aunt Kathy..."

"What Demi?" Her voice comes from the spare room.

I go into the room. "I'm leaving..." I look around inside the room. She's busy painting the walls green. I wish I knew she was painting the nursery today, otherwise I'd help.

"Where you going?"

"Out to eat with Joe." I sit down in a rocking chair.

"Alright." She rolls another layer of pastel green paint onto the white wall. "Sometime this week, I want you to do me a favor..."

"Okay, what is it?" I rock in the rocking chair. It's still very bare in here. The only furniture is the changing table, the crib, a dresser and the rocking chair.

"I was looking through your drawings yesterday, and I saw that you're pretty good with drawing trees, leaves, nature things..."

"Mhm..."

"I want you to draw me a big tree on the wall, so that I can paint it. Jason and I decided to theme the nursery as zoo animals... So I'll need a tree. And maybe some leaves..."

"No problem." I stand up from the rocking chair and look at my canvas. "I have this wall?"

"You have this wall to draw me something that would relate to the zoo and wild animals."

"Okay... I can do that." I'm a little excited. I want to start drawing tonight.

Outside, a horn blares and I'm sure it's Joe. I have to go.

"I'm leaving now, Aunt Kathy. I'll see you." I walk down the steps and out the door.

Joe's car radio is super loud, blasting some rap song that I can't make out.

I open the door and climb into the passenger's seat. "Hey..."

"Hey, baby..." He leans over and kisses my cheek.

I smile. "It's hot out today..."

"It is." He starts driving again. He's shirtless, only wearing a pair of blue basketball shorts.

"Where are we going?" I roll my window all the way down.

"Dairy queen. I want some ice cream, and their chili cheese fries are great." He speeds up the driveway with one hand on the wheel. His other hand is just hanging free.

"I'm hungry too." I rest my head back against the headrest.

"What's up with those shorts?" He takes his eyes off the road for a moment and looks down at my legs. It's okay that he's not watching the road, because we're literally the only car on the road right now.

"What about my shorts?" I look down too.

He looks back up at the road. "They're too short. Your shit's gonna be blowing in the wind..."

"They're not that short..."

He slows to a stop light and looks down at my shorts again. He grabs the material with his free hand and pulls it up, giving me a cameltoe. "Look. Underwear all green... Lips all hanging out. Put some clothes on."

I laugh, because I know he's not talking about the lips that are on my face. "I thought you like short shorts..."

"I love em. They're sexy as hell. But not when you're out in public with your shit hanging out. Don't let me catch you wearing them again." He starts driving again.

"They're not that short, Joe." I shake my head.

"Not that short my ass. Don't let me catch you wearing those shorts out in public again." He's very serious, I can tell by his tone.

"Or what?" I test him.

"Or I'll beat you." He laughs. "I'll throw you over my shoulder, and I'll whoop your ass."

"Are you my dad?"

"Something like that." He keeps his free hand on my inner thigh, like he's about to finger me.

He pulls into the drive thru of Dairy Queen. "What do you want?"

I look at the menu. "Um... The chicken strip basket..."

"To drink?"

"A banana orange smoothie."

"You want ice cream?"

"No."

"Alright." He drives up to the ordering station. "Let me have an order of the chicken strip basket... To drink for that is a banana orange smoothie..." He orders my food first.

I hand him some money from my pocket.

"And a chicken club, with an order of chili cheese fries and a large Pepsi. Add a strawberry cheesecake blizzard to that... That's all."

The food comes to $21.12."

"Keep your money, baby." He hands my money back and drives around to the pick up station. He pays for the food and waits for them to give it to us.

"You take all your girlfriends to Dairy Queen?" I ask him.

"What do you mean all my girlfriends? You're my only one." He grabs the food from a little blonde girl.

"Hi, Joe." The girl says with a smile. She looks like she's blushing. That makes me mad.

"Hi, Kelsey." Joe says back, grabbing our drinks.

"Long time no see. You still work at the mall?"

"Yes." He grabs the bag of food.

"I never see you when I'm at the mall..."

"I work late." He grabs our straws.

"I'll have to come see you when you're working..." She smiles at him again, but her smile isn't friendly. Her smile is seductive. "I stay up late..."

Joe doesn't say anything else. He drives away, but he does have a goofy smile across his face.

I'm a little pissed off. "...What the fuck was that?" I look at him.

"A friend, Demi. Old high school friend." He drives back up the driveway.

"...Didn't seem like a friend." I roll my eyes. I'm hurt.

"She's just a friend..."

"...She looked at you like you just fucked her last night. I saw it..."

"She's my ex, okay? She's my ex. She was head cheerleader, I was the quarterback. What more do you want from me?"

"When did you guys break up?"

"Officially?"

"..." I just stay quiet.

"Officially, we broke up last week... Officially."

"LAST WEEK?! LAST WEEK?! LAST FUCKING WEEK?!"

"Calm down, Demi... Just calm down and let me explain, babe."

I suck on my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. I'm about to sob.

"Let me explain..." He pulls over on the side of the highway, in a grass field. "Let me explain..."

"You were cheating on me?" I wipe my face. "You cheated on me..."

"No, Demi. I didn't... I didn't cheat..."

"You cheated on me... You dated her while we were dating... That's cheating." My tears drop off my chin.

"No, baby. Look..." He hands me my food.

I take it, but I'm not hungry.

"We were dating when I graduated. But after graduation, she went to California to spend time with her dad. So I thought that automatically meant we were broken up. She was gone for a whole year... Until two weeks ago. She just came back two weeks ago. And she wanted to continue the relationship. I ignored her texts for a week straight, until I finally broke up with her. I didn't cheat, baby... I didn't cheat."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you... You were getting over the whole Cody thing and you didn't need that. I was gonna tell you when the time was right..."

I sniff. "...Oh..."

"I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry... I know... I'm a jerk. I'm so sorry... But you have to believe me. I'd never hurt you like that, Demi. I love you..."

"Did you do anything with her?"

"We had sex." He admits. "But the last time we had ANY kind of sex was last year before she left. I swear to you..."

I sigh.

"I'd never hurt you like that, Demi. Never." He wipes my tears. "You mean too much to me..."

I just sniff again.

"Are you mad at me?"

I shrug.

"Don't me mad at me, gorgeous. Please don't be mad..." He kisses my hands. "We can go to the movies... We can go to the beach... I'll make it up to you..." He kisses my hands again. "Want me to make it up to you?"

I just shrug.

"Okay... I got you." He kisses my cheek. "I got you, baby. I got you..."

I remember the last time he told me "I got you." Hmph.

"Here... Just eat." He grabs his own food from the bag and begins to eat.

I chew a chicken strip. I'm not as hurt now that he explained everything, but I still feel like poop.

I still don't say anything to him. I don't have anything to say.

I sip my smoothie and eat a French fry.

Joe devours his food in at least three minutes.

I finish off my food slowly. I sigh.

"You still want me to make it up to you?" He reaches out and holds my hand.

I shake my head. He doesn't have to. I'm fine.

"Are you sure, beautiful?"

I sigh and finally talk to him. "How were you gonna do it..."

He kisses my cheek. "However you wanted me to, babe. I'd take you to the beach... Take you to the movies... Make love to you... Whatever you want..."

"Make love?"

"If that's what you want babe... I'd do it..."

Well it has been a while since we had sex... "In a car?"

"Why not?"

"How would we do that?" I put my smoothie down. I'm cracking a slight smile.

"I can show you, better than I can tell you..." He caresses my cheek.

I kiss his hand. "Okay..."

He leans over and faces me. He grabs my arms and pulls me over to the driver's seat, sitting on his lap. He kisses my lips. I kiss him back.

"I love you, Demi. Never forget that..."

I smile. "I won't..." I lie my head down on his bare chest. I love him too.

Down below, he moves my shorts and my underwear both to the side. He doesn't even bother taking them off.

I'm not sure how, but he manages to smuggle himself inside me. I stifle a moan.

And right here, in the car, we do it. And it feels like it did the first time we did it. It feels special and it feels good. It's definitely a good recovery from Cody.

* * *

"What happened to your boobs, babe?" Joe asks me as we're driving back into town. I feel more relaxed, now that we had sex. I'm in a good mood.

"Ohhh... I forgot to tell you..." I look out the window.

"Yeah.. I noticed when we were starting to have sex. But I didn't ask..."

"I got in a fight today..."

"A fist fight?"

I nod. "Mhm. This girl made fun of me getting raped, so I fought her."

"...Did you win?"

"Yes..."

"She scratched you on your boobs?"

"Mhm. She was trying to get me on the ground..."

"...What the hell are you doing getting suspended again, Demi?"

"I'm not suspended. They let me go."

"Still. You need to stop getting in trouble in school."

"I know..."

He sighs. "Am I taking you home?"

"No. Take me to Selena's..."

"Why you going over there?"

"To hang out with her." I lie to him. I don't like lying to Joe, but I can't tell him that the reason I'm going over Selena's is to be with her while she takes a pregnancy test. I just can't tell him that.

"Alright." He makes the left to Selena's house and parks in front.

I unstrap my seatbelt. "Bye, babe."

"Bye.. I'll text you later on tonight. Love you."

"You too." I get out of the car and walk up to Selena's front door.

I knock twice.

Her stepdad answers the door. He's hot. He has broad muscles, short hair and sexy eyes.

"Hey, Selena's little friend." He chuckles and opens the door for me. "She's in her room."

"Thanks..." I go in the house and kick my shoes off at the door. I walk up the little flight of steps up to the main floor of the house and go back to Selena's room.

I don't knock, I just walk right in. She's expecting me.

"...Demi." She's sitting on her bed with a plastic CVS bag.

"Selena..." I flop down on her bed. "Did you take any yet?"

"Just the one I took this morning..." She gets off her bed and locks her door.

"And?"

"That one came out positive. But I bought a bunch more just to be sure..."

"Okay. Let's get down to business."

She grabs a half-empty jug of iced tea and takes her bag tests to her bathroom. I follow her.

"So far, one positive." She seems to be taking this okay. She doesn't seem scared.

"I'll read you directions." I sit down on the edge of her bathtub and hand her one box.

She pulls down her pants and sits on the toilet, handing me the box back after she grabs the actual test.

"This one says look for a smiley face. If there's a smiley face, it's positive."

She pees on that one, then sits it on the counter. "Hand me another."

I hand her the second test. There's only four.

"This one says two lines is positive."

"Okay..." She sighs and pees on that one. After she sits it next to the smiley-face one, she takes a gulp of iced tea.

"This one says a blue box is negative. A yellow box is positive." I hand it to her. She pisses on it.

Last one. "This one says...a blue plus sign is positive. A red minus sign is negative." I hand it to her.

She sighs and pees on it too. It's amazing that she was able to piss enough for five pregnancy tests today.

"...Thank you, Demi. I love you..." She says to me, wiping and pulling up her pants.

"What are friends for?" I help her clean up all the wrappers.

"I don't know what in gonna do if I'm pregnant... I can't keep it..."

"Just calm down... You don't even know if you are yet..."

"I'm so scared... Like... Seriously. What if I am?"

"...If you are, there are options..."

"I could never get an abortion."

"There's adoption..."

"I'd probably do that. I told Nick that I thought I was the first time, and he said he'd be there. I didn't tell him about this time..."

"Why do you think you are?" I sit back down on her bed.

She sits next to me. "Remember like... Three weeks ago, I told you I thought I was, but I wasn't cause I got my period?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, like... My period stopped. It just... Stopped. And now it skipped this month..." She looks like she's about to cry.

"...Let's just hope for the best." I give her a hug. "I'll still be here with you if you are... You still have me."

She sniffs and pulls away from my hug to look at me. "I love you, so much Demi. Thank you..." She wipes her tears.

"It's okay, Selena." I rub her back.

The alarm she set on her phone for ten minutes finally goes off. It's time to check the tests.

She takes a deep breath. "I'm gonna throw up..." She says.

"You want me to check them for you?" I ask her.

"Please? Please..."

I nod and go back into her bathroom. I approach the four tests that are lined up on the counter of her sink. She got one positive from the one she took this morning...

I look at the tests one by one.

First one has a fuzzy, but visible black smiley face in the little window. Two positive. My heart is beating fast for her.

I move on to the second one.

Second one has two grey lines in the box. Three positive.

I move on to the third.

The third one has a little yellow box. Four positive.

Lastly, I check the fourth one. And sure enough, the fourth one has a blue plus sign in the window. They're all positive.

She's pregnant. I feel like I'm gonna cry too.

"...Selena?" I feel tears welling in my eyes. I go into her room.

"What?" She's hunched over on her bed, her usually tan face is pale.

I sit down on the bed next to her. I put my hand on her back. "...All of them..." I rub her back. I'm about to cry. "All of them are positive."

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't make a sound. All she does is sniff. I just keep rubbing her back, holding my own tears back.

"It's okay..." I whisper to her.

She sits up straight on her bed. Tears are falling from her eyes. She doesn't look at me. She looks straight.

I just keep quiet.

Slowly, she brings her hands up to her face, covers her eyes and just bawls. She bawls her eyes out, hard and loud.

I wrap my arms around her, hugging her. I cry with her. "It's okay..." I rub her back some more. "It's okay..." I sniff my tears back. My heart hurts for her.

"No..." She shakes her head and keeps crying. "I can't be..."

"It's okay..." I wipe her tears from her cheeks when she finally moves her hands from her face. "It's okay... I'm here for you..."

She sniffs and looks at me. "What am I gonna do, Demi?"

"...I don't know. But I'm here for you..." I wipe her tears again.

We both stay silent for a while. I hold her and she holds me. We hold each other. Quietly. She doesn't cry and neither do I. We're both just quiet.

She sniffs and pulls away from me. She looks in my eyes. "I love you, Demi. You're my best friend..." She whispers.

"I love you too..."

I feel something inside of me. Something... Weird. It seems like a natural feeling, but it feels like it's wrong. It feels like a forbidden feeling.

So natural that it's scary, I close my eyes. Selena closes her eyes too. We both tilt our heads in opposite directions. And we both lean in. And we kiss.

Not a hard kiss. Not an innocent kiss, either.

We kiss deeply, like we both mean it. Our tongues even meet, massaging each other. She pushes against me hard, and I push back. I push my tongue deeper in her mouth, and she pushes back.

Very abruptly, we pull away. Fast, quick. Like we just shocked one another.

...What just happened?

Neither one of just look at each other. I look down at her bed, and she looks down at her floor. I don't know what I feel.

"...I'm sorry..." I whisper to her.

"Don't be...I liked it..." She admits, hanging her head ashamedly.

"...I gotta go home..." I stand up from her bed and walk towards the door.

"I'm sorry, Demi... I'm sorry..." She stands up too.

"It's fine..." I shake my head and fiddle with the lock on her door.

"It's not fine..." She sounds like she's crying again.

"Yes it is..."

"No it's not... You're leaving..."

"I'm just confused..." I shrug.

"...Confused?"

I nod. "I liked it too..." I sigh. "That's why I'm confused..."

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I leave out of her room. I'm so confused. What just happened was so wrong...

I'm so... SO confused.

Someone help.


	38. More Confusion

_October 7th, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Things are bad again. Not really bad, but bad enough. Something horrible happened. Something that I desperately want to take back._

_Three days ago, I went to Selena's house. I went over there, because she had to take a pregnancy test. I was there for moral support._

_Well, it turns out that she's pregnant. All the pregnancy tests came back positive. _

_She cried a lot when she found out, and I held her while she cried, for more moral support. I rubbed her back and even cried with her. _

_Then, after she was done crying, she pulled away from me. And she told me she loved me and I was her best friend. Then I kissed her. It wasn't an innocent kiss, like you used to kiss Lorna on the cheek when she came over for coffee, or how you used to kiss grandma on the cheek before she left. It wasn't even like the lip kisses I used to give Maddie sometimes. It was a kiss. A real, hardcore, sexual kiss. The way I would kiss Joe._

_I'm so confused, mom. I'm confused because it felt so wrong, but I didn't want to stop. It felt right at the same time. It was natural. Like she was my boyfriend and I've kissed her like that before. _

_I like boys, mom. I'm not a lesbian. I don't even think I'm bisexual. But after the kiss, I felt like that's how it was meant to be. And she's all I've been thinking about._

_I'm confused because before I went over her house that day, I had sex with Joe. And that felt right too. _

_I definitely feel something for Selena. I care for her more than a friend, but way less than a girlfriend. _

_It sucks even more for me, because I haven't talked to Selena since then. She hasn't been in school since Tuesday, and today is Friday. She hasn't texted me or called me. I don't think we're friends anymore._

_I didn't like kissing her. It felt so wrong to kiss her. I know that the bible says it's wrong to be a lesbian. But I'm just confused. I'm still with Joe for now, and she's still with Nick._

_To make matters worse, I stopped feeling for Joe. Don't get me wrong, I still love him. And when we kiss, I still feel sparks. But the hour after me and Selena kissed, I called him over to have sex again. I wanted to make sure I still like boys._

_The sex felt good, as always. But I wasn't real into it like I usually am. It was real nonchalant. He got on top, did his business and got off. I didn't even have an orgasm. _

_I haven't had sex with him since then, so I'm not exactly sure if anything's changed. I'm hopeful that it was just for that moment, because I can't turn into a lesbian. _

_I really hope to talk to Selena soon. I'm gonna call her once I'm done writing this to you._

_As much as I...liked the kiss between us, I'd give it all back if we could just be back to normal again._

_Well..._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I fold the letter up and put it with the many of letters I've written in my lockbox.

I get up and grab my phone. I really hope Selena answers me. I miss her so much.

With shaky fingers, I dial her number.

812...555...8765.

I put the ringing phone up to my ear.

"Demi!" She answers. Her voice makes me smile.

"Hey..." I sigh. "Where you been?" I'm smiling something serious.

"I've been sick. Like... Really sick..."

"Morning sickness sick?"

"I'm not sure..."

"What else you been doing?"

"Crying... Lots and lots of crying."

"You tell your mom yet?"

"Hell no!"

"What about Nick?"

"No..."

"You have to tell them..."

"I will, Demi. I just need time... You know? I'm thinking about getting an abortion anyway..."

"Selena..."

"It's my choice, Demi."

"Don't kill your baby..." I beg her. "Please don't kill your baby..."

"...I don't know what else to do..."

"Keep it. Give it up for adoption. Do something... Just don't kill it..."

"I don't know, Demi."

"...So..." I have a question to ask her. "Um..." I stutter. "Why haven't you...called me?"

"Why didn't you call me?" She counters.

"I didn't know... If you wanted to talk to me."

"Why wouldn't I want to?"

"Because.. You know..."

"I know what you mean." She coughs softly. "I didn't know if you wanted to talk to me, either." She admits.

"...Can we still be best friends?"

"Of course we can." She coughs again. "If I keep my baby... He or she is gonna need a god mom..."

I smile wider. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Thank you so much, Selena..."

"No problem."

I notice that we still haven't mentioned the kiss. I wonder if she's as confused about it as I am.

"You wanna do something tomorrow?" She asks.

"I'd love to. But it's me and Joe's anniversary tomorrow and he's taking me out..."

"Oh... Um... You busy tonight?"

"Nope. Joe's at work til 9."

"You wanna stay over? Just me and you?"

It doesn't sound like a good idea when u think about it. It's gonna be just us. What if something happens... I have to watch Jorge tonight anyway. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have a sleep over...

"I don't think I can. I have to watch Jorge, cause my aunt and uncle are going out. You want to stay over here, though?"

"Sure... What time should I come over?"

"It doesn't matter what time. Just come over. I'll order a pizza..."

"Alright. You want me to bring any movies?"

"Whatever you think we might watch, just bring it."

"Alright. See you in a little."

"Okay."

She hangs up and I head downstairs to tell my aunt and uncle what's up.

"Aunt Kathaaaay, Uncle Jaaaaaaaason..." I'm trying to butter them up. I have to hurry and ask before they leave.

"What do you want, Demi?" Uncle Jason asks, unimpressed. He's dressed very nicely. I think they're going to a restaurant.

"Can I have a friend stay the night?" I plop down on the couch next to him.

"I don't care, Demi." Uncle Jason says.

"Just don't tear up my house." Aunt Kathy agrees.

"We won't." I knew they'd say yes.

"And no boys over here." Uncle Jason stands up.

"There won't be. Just us..."

"Okay. We'll be back around 10 tonight. Keep the door locked. There's money on the kitchen counter.

"Okay... Have a good time." I follow them to the door so I can lock it behind them.

They leave and I lock the door behind them. I might miss them, but I'm not sure yet.

I sit down on the couch and turn on America's Funniest Home Videos. Me and Dallas used to watch this all the time.

You know what's crazy? I'm actually loving it here in Florida. I don't miss it back in Texas so much anymore. I still miss my family, though.

I get up from the couch and grab something to drink. I don't understand how Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason always have food in the house. I'm never hungry.

I grab a can of Dr. Pepper and walk back to the living room.

I grab my phone and call my dad, because I wonder what he's doing. I haven't talked to him since the week of the rape.

He answers on the first ring.

"Hello?" I immediately smile at his voice. I miss my dad a whole lot.

"Hey daddy." I smile at the phone. "What's goin on?"

"Hi sweetheart... It's goin good here. How is it in Florida?"

"It's been well here. It's fun... I miss you and Maddie though."

"I miss you too, honey. I'm glad you're doing okay though. How are you doing in school, Hun?"

"I'm doing good. Getting all As..."

"That's my girl."

"How's Maddie?"

"She's great. Doing good in second grade..."

"That's good... How's the house and everything?"

"It's good here, honey. Getting back on our feet."

"You wanna talk to Maddie?"

"Yeah..."

"Madison!" He yells at his end of the phone.

I wait patiently.

"Here Maddie, let's talk to Demi... Here..."

The other end of the phone shuffles a bit.

"Hulloh?" Her voice is cuter. It's all innocent and adorable.

"Hi Maddie..."

"Hi DemiDemi."

"How are you honey?" I wish I could hug her.

"I'm good..."

"That's good honey... How's school?"

"School's noying."

"School's annoying?"

"Yeah."

"Aww, I'm sorry for that." I hear a knock at the door. "Maddie, I have to go, honey. But I love you."

"Love you too DemiDemi."

"Bye honey."

"Bye bye."

I hang up the phone and grab the door. I yank it open.

Selena's dressed in her pajamas, holding a green pillow. "Hey..."

"Hey..." I step aside and let her in.

"Every time I come in here... I get more and more amazed at how nice it is." She says, sliding her shoes off and looking around.

"It's not all that." I walk back into the living room and she follows me. I sit on the couch and she sits too.

"How is my baby?" I turn to her and smile.

"It's just like... Swimming around." She shrugs.

"Can I feel it?" I put my hand on her still flat stomach.

"Probably not... It's all deep in there and stuff." She laughs.

"It's saying "please don't kill me, mommy."

"...Demi..."

"What?! It wants to live too."

"Can we just not talk about the baby tonight? I still don't know what to do with it..."

"Well you need to tell Nick."

"I plan to. Tomorrow or something..."

"That's a start." I grab my phone again. "What do you want from the pizza place? We can order whatever."

"Oooh, get hot wings."

"Okay." I call the place. "Hi... I would like to place an order... Delivery, please... Yes, um... I want a large pepperoni pizza, with cheese stuffed crust. And an order of the buffalo wings with blue cheese... Yes... Lovato. 812, Seabreeze Avenue... Thank you."

I hang up. "He said 20-30 minutes." I tell Selena.

"Great, I'm starving." She leans back against the couch.

We're both quiet. She watches the TV and so do I. We don't say anything to each other.

I wish I could turn my thoughts off right now, because right now I'm thinking about the kiss. Not because I want to do it again, but because I wonder what she's thinking about it.

We stay quiet, and the silence is getting awkward.

"...Demi, we need to talk." She breaks the silence, turning towards me.

"About what?" I turn towards her too. We face each other.

"You know about what..." She looks down at the couch.

I look away from her too. "Yeah..."

"...I'm really sorry about it. I didn't know what I was doing..."

"Me either..."

"And I don't want you to think that I'm acting weird towards you, but I'm just confused..."

"Me too..."

"Why are you confused?" She asks.

"...Because I liked it. And I'm not a lesbian..."

"...Me either. But I liked it too."

"I just wanna go back to being best friends... Like before we did that."

"Me too... But I don't think we can..."

"Why not?" I'm about to cry. I just want to be friends again...

"I have to be honest with you, Demi..."

"Okay..." I sigh. "Be honest..."

"I love Nick. I'm in love with him. I love him SO much." She states.

I just listen.

"But...I don't know... After we... Kissed (she winces when she says the word)...I think... I think I might love you too..."

"Really?"

"It's new to me, though. I... I never liked a girl before... And I'm still not sure that I like you... Because I'm not a lesbian..."

"I'm not either..." I sigh. "But all I've been thinking about is the... kiss."

"Me too... And it's weird, because... I might cheat on Nick... But if it's with a girl, is it cheating?"

I sigh. "I don't know... I'm just so confused." I use my thumb and wipe off some tears.

"I'm confused too, Demi. But..."

"I want to be with Joe. I want to be his girlfriend..."

"...You don't feel the same about me?"

"No, I do. But it's... Weird and wrong. Like... I just want to be your friend. But I want to kiss you again... It's weird." I shrug. More tears are falling.

"It's okay, though. It's not like Nick and Joe have to know that we kissed..."

"...Would that make you my girlfriend?"

"No. Just... Your friend."

"...Am I bisexual?"

"...I don't know..." She sighs. "I never thought I was..."

"I've never done anything with a girl..."

"Me either... That's why I'm so confused about my feelings for you..."

"...Can we just not talk about it? If we do it again..."

"I won't say anything if you don't say anything..."

I take a deep breath. "Okay..."

We both just look at each other. I close my eyes, because I can't look at her while I do this.

She closes her eyes too, and we both lean in and kiss again. She opens her mouth up a little and I sled my tongue in her mouth. She pushes back against my tongue with hers.

I cannot believe I'm kissing Selena. And I can't believe I'm liking it.

All I feel is her nose blowing out her breath against my upper lip. Neither one of us are pulling away to breathe.

She moves and puts her hand on my waist like Joe would if we were making out. I put my hand on her lower back.

Something just... Comes over me. Like I need her lips more. I suck on her bottom lip, a move I learned from Joe.

She slides her hands up my shirt, and I let her go. It feels right to me.

I slide my hands up her shirt too, never breaking our kiss. She rests her hands on my boobs, kneading them through my bra.

Instead of her boobs, I rub her butt.

I don't feel right touching her like this. This is so wrong. Why am I enjoying this?

**DIIIIIING... DONGGGG.**

The doorbell rings, interrupting the moment. Quickly again, we pull away from each other, like we're getting caught doing something wrong.

I spring up off the couch to get the door. It's the pizza man. Without saying a word, I pay him.

I really hope that this is just a phase. I can't handle this.

I feel like cutting right now. I feel like cutting so bad.

But even more so than that, I feel like kissing her some more.

But even more than kissing her, I want to have sex with Joe.

I'm so fucking confused, I can't stand it.


	39. Ignore

I look over at the cable box to see what time it is. It's 3:30 in the morning. I can't sleep.

Selena's fast asleep on the floor beside me, peaceful. She fell asleep a half hour ago.

I can't sleep. I can't even think straight right now. What did I just do...

I sit up in our makeshift bed of covers and couch pillows. I lean back against the couch and start to cry. I'm crying so hard that my head immediately starts hurting. My heart hurts so bad. My heart hurts...

What did I just do...

I don't want to wake Selena up with my sobbing, so I grab a couch pillow and bury my face in it. I just want this all to go away. I want it all to just stop. I hate this.

What did I just do... And why didn't I stop it?

I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world right now. I'm so confused and hurt and angry with myself and just... sad.

Why didn't I just stop it?!

Into the pillow, I wail. I cry loud and uncontrollably. I really hope I don't wake Selena up, but I just need a minute to myself.

God, what did I just do? I'm so confused.

I'm about to just end it. Right now.

I rock back and forth with my face still in the pillow, crying. I want to kill myself. I want to die.

Somebody please help me. I'm really about to do it. I'm about to take the Advil that's up in the medicine cabinet in my aunt and uncle's bathroom. I'm going to take all of it.

I just want to stop feeling so confused. Somebody please help me.

Oh god...

I can really use my mom right now. I need my mom. To talk me out of feeling this way. I need help. I need help. I'm so confused, I need help.

I lift my face out of the pillow and it's soaking wet with my tears. My eyes are itching badly, and my head is throbbing. I just can't stop crying.

Slowly, I reach over and pull my pajama pants back on my legs. I can't sleep in my underwear tonight. I need someone to tell me that it's okay. I need someone to let me know that it's going to be alright.

I'm so confused...

* * *

_October 8th, 2008_

_Dear Mom, _

_I did something bad last night. I think I might have cheated on Joe, but I'm not sure. I also think that he might be angry with me for it, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure, because he probably doesn't even know. I didn't tell him, and neither did Selena, but he canceled on me for today._

_We were supposed to go out today for our anniversary, but he had to cancel. He cancelled, because he got called in to work. I believe him, but I can't help but think that maybe God is punishing me for cheating on him._

_Selena stayed the night last night, and we had... More than fun. She came over, and at first we were talking and stuff and having fun just being girls. Then, we talked about the kiss and she admitted to me that she likes me more than she should. And I told her I felt the same. And we kissed again. _

_This kiss was different than the first in more ways than one. It wasn't as innocent as the first time we kissed. It was a lot more intense, and we even touched each other. She touched my chest and I touched her back. Then the pizza guy came and we stopped. _

_We ate and talked some more then we played with Uncle Jason's Wii. We played a game called Just Dance and we played baseball. I had more fun playing games than kissing. _

_After the games got boring, we went in the kitchen and baked a cake from scratch. It was kind of good, but we didn't have icing. Uncle Jason and Aunt Kathy came home after that._

_Aunt Kathy popped us a bag of popcorn and then went to bed._

_We ate popcorn and watched a scary movie. After the movie was over, we watched videos on YouTube and laughed until nothing was funny anymore. _

_By that time, it was about 1:30 in the morning. We were both tired, so I turned off the TV and we lied on the living room floor to go to sleep._

_I forget how it happened, but we ended up making out again instead of going to sleep. We made out a lot, mom. A whole lot. And then my shirt ended up off. And so did hers. And my bra ended up coming off. So did hers. And instead of kissing my mouth, she kissed my chest. And I kissed her chest right back. Then her underwear came off, and so did mine._

_And I wanted to stop right then, but I didn't. I liked it too much, but the bigger part of me really wanted to stop._

_So, because I didn't stop it, it kept happening. And she got on top of me and we just kissed and kept touching each other. I wasn't quite sure if anything was going to happen next, because I didn't think anything else COULD happen, but I was wrong. I'm ashamed, but we just... fingered each other after that. We kept kissing and stuff and it just happened. And after it happened, we didn't do much of anything else, besides rub against each other some more._

_Then we were done and we went to sleep. Well, she went to sleep. I just cried, mom. I cried and cried and even when I thought I was all cried out, I cried some more. I can't believe I let that happen, mom. I should've stopped it. I didn't want it to escalate that far. I never wanted to take it past kissing._

_So now I cheated on Joe with a girl. And I had sex with a girl. And the worst part about it is that I had an orgasm._

_I'm starting to think that my brain and my body are two totally separate entities. I'm thinking that, because even though my mind wasn't enjoying what was happening, my body was enjoying it a whole lot. I guess Selena enjoyed it a lot also, because she had one too. _

_Anyway, I just want to be left alone. I just want to take a little breather for a while. It's great that neither one of us ever mentions it after it happens, but I wish it didn't happen at all._

_Am I a lesbian, mom? I don't think of Selena in that way until we're kissing, but I do enjoy it when it's going on. Does that make me a lesbian? I don't like any other girls. I wouldn't finger any other girls, because I think that's disgusting. But is it possible that I'm a conditional homosexual?_

_In a while, I realize that I won't even be able to have these times with Selena. I know this, because she's pregnant and she might actually keep her baby. And if she keeps the baby, doesn't that mean that she'll be too busy for me?_

_All I know is that I can't keep having sex with her. It just can't keep happening. It's not right, and I don't really like it as much as I think I do in that moment._

_All this is doing is making me more and more of an emotional wreck. I just wish I knew what to do._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_October 13, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Everything is going well, so I'm not sure why I feel so bad. I know the letters are coming fewer and fewer these days, but sometimes I just have nothing to say to you._

_The days are just passing by me without much cause for concern. I can't remember what I did today, and I hardly remember what I did all through this week._

_I do know that I got my midterm grades today. Aunt Kathy was very pleased with them. My grades are as followed: Math: 97%. English: 95%. Art: 102%. Spanish: 90%. Chemistry Lab: 100%. Chemistry: 98%. History/Geo: 96%. _

_Oh, I guess I should tell you that I got my driver's permit yesterday. The test was super easy. Uncle Jason said i can drive him around now._

_I feel fine, but I feel different. I feel like something's gotta give. This is way too serious, mom. I feel like shit. Maybe Aunt Kathy really should get me a therapist. The more I convince her that I don't need one, the less I convince myself that I don't need one._

_The cutting is getting worse. It's not getting better. I'd never tell Aunt Kathy that. _

_Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the rape. I know it's over, it happened almost a month ago, but I still feel like it happened for a reason. I'm trying to figure out what that reason is, but so far, I'm not successful._

_I haven't kissed Selena since she stayed over on Friday night. But at the same time, I haven't had an opportunity to. _

_Things have been weird between us since we had sex. She hasn't really said much to me. She told Nick about the baby on Tuesday, and she's been really hanging out with him since then. I haven't spoken more than a "hi" to her since Monday. It's Thursday now. _

_I texted her and got no reply. I wrote on her Facebook wall and asked her to call me, because since I got my permit I could drive us to the Dairy Queen. Still, nothing from her. _

_I haven't spoken to Joe either. I guess he's too busy, because he's been working a lot, but he should still text me back, right?_

_I'm not really worried about it just yet. Maybe it's good for me to focus on myself._

_Until next time, _

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_October 14th, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_How am I supposed to know when I'm being ignored? I think they're all ignoring me, but I'm not sure if it's ignoring or just being too preoccupied with me._

_Nick and Selena stopped sitting by me at lunch. I'm not mad at them, but they won't even tell me why. I sit alone, with bitch Amanda and her posse giving me the death state most of the time. I've resigned to eating in the bathroom at lunch today, because I got a French fry thrown at my back. I wanted to get away before it turned into a slice of pizza or some milk being thrown at me._

_Nick and Selena sit with each other, but far away. They sit in a corner table. I sat by them at first today, but they didn't really talk to me, so I got the hint that they wanted me to leave. Once I left, they started talking to each other again. Nick even rubbed Selena's belly a few times. I couldn't eat my food, because I imagine that nachos don't taste too good with tears all in the cheese._

_I'm not really all that mad at Nick and Selena, because I understand that they're gonna be parents together and that means they have a stronger bond now. I just wish they'd let me sit with them at lunch._

_Joe's been acting weird too. He hasn't answered my calls, but he answers my texts. It's weird though, because when he answers my texts, it's one word answers like "okay, yeah, sure or whatever." He's also been calling me "Demi." He usually calls me "babe."_

_I guess he's just busy with work and stuff, but I really need him right now, because my other best friend is leaving me out._

_I'm not sure if I'm being ignored or if they're just too busy for me, but I'd like to hang out soon. I miss my friends... If we still are friends._

_It's not really anything to be proud of, but I recently broke the record for cuts on my wrist at one time. I have seven current ones right now. _

_The makeup isn't doing a good job covering them up anymore, and Aunt Kathy is getting suspicious, so I started cutting on my lower belly. Nobody sees them, but I can't sleep on my belly anymore._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_October 15, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I think Aunt Kathy can tell that my friends have been leaving me out. She took me out to dinner and to the mall today. I bought some new fall clothes and we ate at the Olive Garden. And when we came home from the mall and dinner, she ordered a movie off Pay-Per-View and we watched it. Uncle Jason has been off at base, training some new troops._

_Spending the day with Aunt Kathy really did a good job at keeping my mind off my friends, but I'm right back to thinking about it again._

_I'm almost certain that they're avoiding me. I texted Selena early this morning to see what she was doing and if she wanted to go to the mall. She said she was busy. I asked her if she wanted to do something tomorrow and she never texted back._

_I texted Joe and asked him if he wanted to do anything and he just never texted me back._

_At first, I didn't mind them not texting me back. Maybe they were just busy, Joe especially was probably at work._

_But when I went to the mall, Joe wasn't in Steve & Barry's and he wasn't at the pizza place either. _

_It sucked even more to have to ride past the Jonas house on the way to the Olive Garden and see Nick and Selena outside in their swimsuits. Joe was with them. They were playing under the sprinkler with the youngest Jonas. _

_I was glad that Aunt Kathy was in the car, otherwise I would've had a meltdown. I just wish I knew why they didn't invite me. I thought we were all best friends. I thought Joe was my boyfriend..._

_Because I don't know much of anyone else to hang out with, I've just been hanging out with Aunt Kathy and Jorge. I painted the baby's wall in the nursery, and I even got a chance to update my iPod. I'd give up all this time to just hang out with my friends._

_Needless to say, I've been cutting a lot and taking a lot of naps. I think I'm depressed, but I'm not sure._

_I just wish they would let me know what I did wrong so that I could apologize. I'm still hoping that I can be friends with them again. I'm still hoping that me and Joe are boyfriend and girlfriend..._

_Until next time, _

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_October 16, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I've come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. _

_I've been thinking a lot about Selena, and I think I might love her. I still get sad from time to time thinking about how we did what we did and how wrong it was, but I'm ready to accept the fact that I like both males and females. I don't want to tell anybody about that, though. I just want to keep it to myself._

_Tomorrow it will be a week since Selena, Joe and Nick have talked to me. I'm sure they're avoiding me by this time._

_I really miss Joe. I miss talking to him, having conversations that would last hours and just being in his company. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the sex, the trips to get something to eat, everything. I just... Miss him. I really thought he loved me, mom. I really thought he did._

_It's really tearing me up inside to know that they won't speak to me. I don't even know what I did to them. I just want my friends back._

_I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of sitting in this house with Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason and Jorge. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every single night. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter anymore. I miss them._

_My loneliness has gotten so bad that I've began to write songs instead of stories. The songs aren't good, but they're songs. I'm not a good singer, so I'll probably never sing the songs. But it feels better to write them. _

_My romantic feelings for Selena have died down a lot, but I'd still like to maybe pursue a relationship with her. This is hard, because I desperately want to be with Joe. It's hard to love two people._

_It's even harder to love two people that don't love you back. _

_The only thing I'm looking forward to today is going to the mall again with Aunt Kathy. We're going to buy some clothes for T.J. and his crib bedding. _

_Other than that, I just want to go to sleep._

_It doesn't help that I'm running out of places to cut._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

I put my pencil down and get up. It seems like I've been spending all of my time in my desk chair, writing. It seems like my mom is my only friend anymore, and she's dead.

I close my door and walk downstairs. Aunt Kathy is ready to leave already. I'm ready to leave too, just so I can hurry up and be back home already.

"Is there anything you want from the mall today, Demi?" Aunt Kathy grabs the car keys and opens the front door.

"No..." I should probably get a few more pairs of leggings, because leggings are what's good to me right now. They're the only kind of pants that can be up against my badly mutilated stomach without causing too much pain.

"You wanna drive?" She shuts the front door behind us and approaches her little black BMW.

"No." I get into the passengers seat and carefully fasten my seatbelt.

"Is something bothering you, Demi?" She starts the car and backs out of the driveway.

I just shake my head.

"Your aunt isn't stupid, Demetria..." She drives down the road to get onto the highway.

"What?" I stare out the window. This is the way to the country club that Selena's mom works at. It was fun that day.

"I just saying... I'm not dumb." She makes a turn. "What's going on with you and your friends?"

"...You noticed that?"

"You haven't been out the house in a week. Of course I noticed..."

"Oh..."

"So what's goin on?"

"...I don't know." I shrug, honestly.

"What do you mean you don't know? Did you have a falling out?"

"I don't know... They just started ignoring me." I just stare out the window. I don't want to cry.

"...Maybe they just need a break. It's not healthy to be around the same people all the time... You know?"

"...I guess." I sigh.

"If they don't come around in another week, that's when you should start worrying." She holds my hand and rubs my knuckles.

"...I guess." I sniff. "But what boyfriend goes a week without talking to his girlfriend?"

"...I know, honey. Guys can be weird."

"Real weird. He didn't even act this way when..." I stop myself and just shut up.

"When what, Demi?"

"Nothing."

"...Did you have sex with Joe?"

"...Would I be in trouble if I did?"

She chuckles. "Smart girl." She chuckles some more. "I suppose you wouldn't be."

"Yes." I admit. I realize that I just need someone to vent to, and Aunt Kathy is that person.

"...When?"

"Like... Last month. For the first time."

"You should've said something sooner. I gotta get you to the gynecologist now." She turns into the parking lot of the mall.

I sigh. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry... It's just sex. You're a teenager. And you're a pretty little girl. I expected it." She shuts off the car.

"Thanks." I open the door and get out.

"I love you, Demi." She gives me a hug when she walks around the car.

I hug her back. "Love you too."

"And don't worry about your friends. They'll come around."

"I hope."

She lets me go. "Now. Let's go do some shopping."

I still don't feel better, but yeah. Let's go shopping. "Okay." I walk with her to the entrance of the mall.

"We'll just hit up every baby store." She walks to the escalators and I follow her.

We take the escalator up to the second floor. Joe's job is on the second floor.

I just walk with Aunt Kathy to the first baby store, called Little Stars. I guess they have clothes in here.

"If you see any cute baby clothes, just grab them."

"Okay." I browse around. Some of these clothes are cute, but so damn expensive. I pick up a green and yellow jacket. It's cute.

I wonder if Joe's working today...

"I have to use the bathroom, Aunt Kathy." I hand her the jacket I found.

"Alright. I'll probably be in this store when you come out."

"Kay." I leave the store and walk in the direction of the pizza place.

In a way, I kind of hope I don't see him today. I look horrible. I'm wearing a pair of black leggings and an orange Texas Longhorns hoodie. My hair is wavy and in a ponytail and I have my glasses on.

I round the fountain to where pizza place is. And immediately, I wish I never came over here.

Behind the counter, with his uniform on, Joe's working. And bent over the counter wearing a pair of way too short shorts (even though it's chilly outside) is the same blonde girl I saw at Dairy Queen that day. His ex. She's talking to him.

And if that's not bad enough, both Nick and Selena are hanging around the counter. And they're all laughing hysterically, like they're having a real good time. A good time without me.

Selena seems to have gotten pudgier. She has a slight bump sticking out, but unless you knew she was pregnant, you wouldn't think much of it.

I really want to know why they've been treating me this way.

I'm gonna walk over there. I'll pretend like I'm going to the smoothie place, right next to the pizza place. Maybe they'll talk to me.

I really wish I dressed prettier.

I slide my glasses off my face and put them in the pocket of my hoodie, in a desperate attempt to look prettier. I walk over to the smoothie place. I have a five dollar bill on me, so I'll grab a smoothie.

I can't see that well without my contacts, so I have to put my glasses back on. Bummer.

I don't think they noticed me.

"May I help you?" A woman working the smoothie place asks.

"...Can I just have a strawberry pineapple... Small.."

"3.79."

I hand her the five and look over at my friends as she makes my drink.

They're laughing, having a good time. Nick has his arm around Selena's waist, resting his hand on her stomach. Joe is really interested in making the blonde girl laugh. I feel like someone just stuck a dagger in my heart.

"Here you go, honey." The last hands me my smoothie and my change.

"Thanks." I put all my change in her tip jar. I grab the smoothie and walk away. I'm walking kind of close to them. Maybe they'll see me this time.

I'm too wrapped up in looking to see if they'll notice me that I don't notice a chair in my way, and I trip over it. My smoothie splashes up all over my hoodie and my glasses. It's probably in my hair too.

How embarrassing.

They definitely noticed me now. In fact, they're all laughing at me. I glance up briefly to see them. The blonde is laughing the hardest, Joe isn't laughing that much, Nick is just giggling and Selena's holding back a laugh.

I sigh. I wanted them to notice me, and this is what I get. God hates me.

I stand up, smoothie all over my clothes. I walk back to the smoothie place to ask for napkins, because I'd be too embarrassed to ask Joe for napkins.

"Excuse me... Can I have some napkins?"

"Certainly." The woman hands me a wad of napkins.

"Thanks." I grab them and walk back over to my mess.

First, I wipe off my glasses. I slide them back on and start cleaning up my mess on the floor.

"...Want a mop?!" The blonde girl that's with Joe yells over at me. She laughs, like it was some inside joke.

I blush and don't say anything back.

"A mop would be easier!" She yells at me again.

I'm so embarrassed. I just nix cleaning the mess up, throw my paper towels away, and just leave. They're acting like they don't even know me. My heart hurts.

"Poor thing." I hear the blonde say as I walk away. "If she wasn't so worried about what we were doing, she would've seen the chair."

"Yeah..." Selena says with a laugh.

"Like get a life, right? Don't worry about us. Poor thing, she must not have friends."

"That's enough, Kelsey. Leave her alone." Joe sounds serious when he says that.

"...Wasn't that your ex?" She asks him.

"Yeah. She's my ex. But still..."

I'm his ex? We broke up? When was he gonna tell me?

I need to go home.

I need to go home.

Please let me go home before I lose it right here in this mall.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I want to go back to Texas.

I need to go home.


	40. The Resolution

"Can anybody tell me which climate is dominant in South Africa?" My geography teacher is so loud. I guess I should be used to the loudness by now. It's my last class period of the day, and I've been in school for six hours already.

It's funny how I can't wait to go home most of the time, but when I'm actually home, I'm so lonesome that I wish I was at school.

"Most of South Africa has a Mediterranean climate, okay?" She claps her hands together, excited for what reason, I don't know.

"Since we have an Inservice Day and I won't get a chance to see you tomorrow, I have a very easy, very simple group activity planned for today." She goes over to the cupboard and pulls out four slices of big poster paper. "In groups of two, you will draw and color a map of Africa, labeling the Mediterranean climate zones."

I tap my fingers on the desk and wait for my group assignment.

"I want... Nick and Jason to work together... Alex and Gabby to work together... Jacob and Riley to work together... Selena and..."

I put my head down. I don't want to work with Selena. I don't want her to make fun of me again or anything. I'm still mortified over what happened at the mall yesterday.

"Demi. You and Selena work together." She hands us our own sheet of paper.

Great. I sigh and take my books off the desk next to me. Slowly, Selena walks over and sits by me at the desk.

I grab a pencil from my bag and open my book up to a map of Africa. Selena grabs a pack of colored pencils from her bag.

I start sketching a map of Africa. Just outline it, but I fill it with the names of the countries and the deserts. I don't bother drawing the rivers. I find that in this class, you can get bonus if you do a nice job.

Selena starts to outline the map in black.

I keep labeling the 30 countries that are in Africa. I label the Kalahari desert and the Sahara.

"...What's been up?" She keeps outlining our map, but her words come out quietly.

Is she talking to me? Really?

I finish labeling the countries and start coloring them in.

"...N...nothing." In speaking like I'm scared though I'm not what I'm scared for.

"I... Um... I miss you. I've been missing you..."

"What?"

"I said I miss you, Demi."

"...Why have you been acting this way then?" I realize that I'm a little bit angry.

"...It's a long story..." She whispers.

"I don't want to talk to you if you're just gonna be mean to me again." Two tears fall from my eyes. They're soft tears, tickling my cheeks as they roll down.

"I'm sorry, Demi. I'm really sorry. I know I've been...been rude to you. And I feel so bad... I really do. But Demi... I..."

"You have... NO idea what you... Nick... And Joe have done to me." I say with tears rolling down my cheeks. I say that with my heavily cut stomach in mind.

"I'm sorry... I don't know if they're sorry... But I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...I made a mistake..."

"Selena, I cry myself to sleep every single night." The tears just won't stop. "You guys won't talk to me. Won't sit with me. You laughed at me..."

"I'm sorry. I know I can't make it up. I know I can't... Make you feel better. But Demi, I'm sorry."

"I don't even know what I did. Joe won't talk to me. Nobody talks to me. I don't know anybody else here and I'm lonely. I've spent the last two weekends with my aunt... And my dog."

I watch as her bottom lip trembles. She's about to cry too.

"On Saturday, It'll be a week since you've said anything to me." I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie. "And I still don't know what I've done."

"You didn't do anything, Demi. You don't do anything... It's all my fault. That Joe broke up with you... That nobody will talk I you... It's all my fault..." She wipes her tears. "I'm sorry..."

"What did you do?" I'm getting angrier by the second. I'm getting so angry. I'm more hurt than angry, though.

"...I... I told." She looks away from me.

"You told?!"

"I told... But Demi, I had to..." Her jaw trembles. "I had to..."

"No you didn't! You said you wouldn't tell!"

"No, Demi... I..." She sniffs.

Suddenly, the bell rings. It rings real abruptly very loud.

I pack up all my stuff. I can't believe she told...

I put all my things on my shoulder and storm out of the classroom. I can't BELIEVE she told.

"Demi! Wait!" She runs to catch up with me. The only reason I slow down some I because I know that she's pregnant.

She's out of breath when she finally catches up to me. "Demi..."

"What!?"

"I know you're angry. I know you're very angry, and you have a right to be. I'm angry with myself..."

"I'm very angry, but I'm hurt. I'm very hurt."

"I know... Um... Hey..." She stands in front of me while I'm trying to walk to my Aunt Kathy's car.

"What?"

"Um... Do you want to come over? Tonight? You can stay the night... We just have a lot to talk about..., and I want my best friend back... That's all I want..."

"...No." I shake my head. I don't want to stay over her house. I want to be mad at her.

"No?" She's crying, holding her books over her clearly growing stomach.

"I don't want to stay over your house..."

"...Please? I just want to talk. And reconnect... I'm sorry, Demi."

"..."

"Please. I ruined everything between us. At least give me a chance to make it right again..."

"...Fine. What time?"

"Come over at 5..."

"...Alright."

"See you then. Thank you..."

"Whatever." I walk off to the car and climb in. I'm silent the whole ride home.

* * *

_October 21, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Selena finally talked to me again today. She did a whole lot of apologizing, but I'm still not forgiving._

_I'm not angry with her. I'm not angry at all. I'm just hurt. I'm very hurt._

_She finally admitted to me that she told our biggest secret. I'm most hurt about that. I can't believe she told..._

_Deep down inside, I'm really glad that she apologized to me. I'm glad that she realized she was the one that needed to apologize. She even let me know that it was all her fault._

_Anyway, she invited me to stay the night over her house tonight. I'm leaving in ten minutes. The only reason I'm going is because I want to know why she told. Other than that, I have no reason to go. _

_I can't find it in my heart to hate Selena, though. I don't hate any of my friends. I just don't think I'll ever be able to trust them again._

_I'll let you know how it goes over Selena's tonight. I'm not excited to go. _

_Anyway,_

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I already took a shower today. I had to, because I can't risk taking one over Selena's and having her see my cuts. I guess I should probably go downstairs now. Uncle Jason is probably ready to take me.

I pull on a pair of soft, thick Spongebob pajama pants. I have on a soft green t-shirt and my favorite pair of slippers.

"Demi, come on!"

"I'm coming!" I rush downstairs. I'm still not excited to go over Selena's.

I meet my uncle out at the car.

"You look comfortable." He comments, pulling out of the driveway as soon as I shut the door.

"I'm staying over my friend's..." I roll down my window.

"I know. And you look comfy." My uncle drives so fast that I'm literally almost at Selena's already. In surprised he hasn't gotten a speeding ticket.

"Don't be surprised if I call you to come get me early."

"I'll come her you, kid. Just call me when you're ready." Already, he slows to a stop.

"I will. Trust me, I will." I get out of the car. With an attitude, I walk up to Selena's front door and ring the doorbell.

I really don't want to be here. I want my time to be angry. But at the same time, I'm so glad that I have at least one friend back.

Miss Mandy answers the door. "Hey, Demi." She smiles so big when she sees me. It makes me feel special.

"Hi Miss Mandy."

She opens the door and lets me in. "Selena's right in her room."

"Thanks..." I kick off my slippers and go up the stairs and down the hall to Selena's room. I actually knock.

"Come in..." Selena's pipsqueak voice calls. It sounds like she's busy.

I turn the knob and step in. I sit right on her bed. This brings back memories of the night we kissed for the first time.

"Hi Demi..." She's sitting on her floor, rubbing her stomach. It's definitely bigger.

"Hi." I act uninterested.

"Are you hungry? My mom ordered Chinese food..."

"Not right now."

"Ummm... I guess I won't keep you waiting." She stands up and sits across from me on her bed.

I don't say anything to her.

"Well... First of all... Let me start by...telling you that I went to the doctors for the baby. And... I'm almost three months. And the baby is doing okay..."

"Well that's nice." I say, bitterly. I really am glad that the baby's okay though.

"Um... And I guess you're wondering why I told..."

"Yeah..."

"Um... I went to the doctors... And... It was just me and Nick. I didn't want my mom to come in the room." She starts explaining.

I just listen. "And the doctor asked me when the last time I had sex was. And like an idiot, I was like 'I had sex Friday night!' And it just... Slipped. At first, Nick acted cool with it. He didn't make a big deal. But then the doctor left..." She's about to cry.

I really don't want her to cry. I don't want to see her cry.

She wipes her tears away cooly. "And Nick was like 'we didn't have sex on Friday, Selena.' And I really tried to lie about it. I tried to act like I made a mistake, but he wasn't buying it. And he threatened to leave me and the baby, because by that time, he was making it seem like the baby wasn't his."

I just nod.

"He kept saying that the baby wasn't his and that we was leaving me. So I just... Said it. I told him that the baby had to be his, because the other person I had sex with was a girl. And he just assumed it was you..."

I guess I can't be too mad at her. It really was a misunderstanding.

"And Nick started crying and stuff and he got real mad. Real mad at you. And he told me he didn't want us to be friends anymore if we were gonna be sexual. And I told him that me and you were going to be friends no matter what he wanted. And he said it either him or you." She sniffs. "At the time, I was so scared of raising a baby alone, Demi. So I chose him. Which is why I stopped talking to you."

I nod. I'm surprised I'm not crying. "...What about Joe?"

"He doesn't know about us." She shakes her head.

"Then why did he dump me?!"

"Because Nick told him you cheated. He just told him that you cheated, but he didn't say it was with me. He just said you cheated."

"Well why wouldn't he ask ME?"

"I don't know. But Demi, I'm sorry, first of all. And second of all, I'm really trying to get Joe to talk to you. But it's hard to get him to realize you're innocent without telling him that you cheated with me."

"Does he not want to talk to me?"

"No, he does. He really does. He cried to me last night about you..."

"What about the blonde girl..."

"That's Kelsey... His ex. Nick invited her to get his mind off you. But Demi, the whole time he was real mean to her. Like he hated her or something."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. I invited him and Nick over tonight. Mainly for you and Joe to talk things out and hopefully get back together..."

"Is he coming?" That might have just made my day.

"Yeah, they're coming. At ten."

"Okay..." I crack a soft smile.

"Really. Demi, I'm so sorry for telling. I really am. And I'm so sorry for taking so long to... Fix it between us. But I really want you to just... Forgive me."

"...I forgive you. But I can't forget..."

"I wouldn't expect you to forget..."

I nod once.

"And Demi, I'm sorry again. For everything... For kissing... For... Doing it..."

"I'm sorry too..."

"I... I do have feelings for you. But I'm gonna stop. It was just a phase..."

"I think it was a phase too... And I have feelings for you, but they're nothing like the ones I have for Joe..."

"I'm glad we're on the same page..."

"Yeah..."

"I really missed you, Demi. I missed my best friend..."

"I missed you too."

She gives me a hug.

And you know what's good about this hug?

It's friendly. It's nice. And it's innocent.

I don't feel the need to kiss her, and I don't feel the want to touch her.

It's a friendly... Friendly hug.

I just hope my friendly feelings stay.


	41. Normal Again

"I really can't apologize enough, Demi. I can't tell you how sorry I am." Selena grabs two paper plates and hands one to me.

"It's fine..." I grab a slice of pizza and dump it on my plate.

"It's not fine... I mean... I was seriously a bitch for that. And I'm so sorry. I can't believe you forgive me." She hands me a can of Mountain Dew.

"I forgive you. But I can't forget." I put two buffalo chicken wings on my plate.

"I wouldn't expect you to forget. You have every right to still be mad. I'm just... So sorry."

"Just drop it." I take my full plate and follow her into her living room. Her living room is really nice. The couches are white leather and the furniture is black. It's really classy.

She sits down on the couch next to me and turns on the TV. "What do you like to watch?"

"I don't care what we watch..." I take a bite of pizza.

She turns on MTV. 16 & Pregnant is on. "Isn't this ironic..." She chuckles, but I can tell that there's some hidden shame.

I laugh softly too. "It's okay... At least you're not the only one."

"I'm the only one in school, Demi. Can you imagine when I start showing? Talk about embarrassing..."

"Just wear hoodies. It's getting cooler outside."

"I will wear hoodies. I just wish... I wasn't. You know?"

"I thought you were thinking about an abortion..."

"I was. But Nick's mom was all "hell no." And my mom said hell no too. So I'm stuck with it."

"Is your mom happy about it?" I start on a piece of chicken.

"Of course she's not happy. She's disappointed. She still won't talk to me that much. But she doesn't want me to give it up. She wants to know her grandchild."

"What about Nick's mom?"

"Nick said his mom beat him." She laughs slightly. "She hit him when he told her. But she's supportive."

"What was the doctor's like?" I put my empty plate down and drink some soda.

"Weird. She kept asking me when my last period was. And she like... Measured my stomach and pushed around a lot. She told me I was almost three months pregnant. I'll be three months on Sunday."

"She give you a due date?"

"Mhm. April 2nd."

"That's cute." I smile a little bit. I'm happy for her, even though she's not happy for herself.

"I get to find out if it's a he or a she at my next visit."

"Oh my gosh. I hope it's a girl!" I gush. Girls clothes are so cute. The little bows that go in their hair and everything.

"I don't care what it is, as long as it's healthy." She sighs. "Demi? Can I tell you a secret though?"

"...Go ahead..." I turn my attention to her.

"...At the doctor's...they took some blood from me. And the lady said my... Hormone levels were really... Really... Really high. She told me that a normal pregnancy hormone count is around 17-100. And mine is 1000."

"So what does that mean?"

"She said it usually means that there are multiples... Like twins. But they didn't see anything on the ultrasound."

"TWINS?!"

"Shhhh! Keep it down... My mom doesn't know and neither does Nick." She clamps her hand around my mouth. "I'm scared it might be twins, Demi. What if it's twins?"

"If it's twins... Then... I don't know..."

"Me either. I'm trying not to worry about it, because if it was twins, they would've heard two heartbeats in the ultrasound, and they didn't..."

"Well, don't worry about it then." I shrug.

"I'm trying not to."

"Can I name it?!" I ask, just to lighten the mood.

She laughs a little. "Yes, Demi. You can help me pick out names as soon as I know the gender."

I laugh. "Thank you."

"Nothing ugly though."

"I'll try not to." I chuckle.

She laughs too. "Demi... Can I ask you something?"

"Anything..." I sit cross-legged on her couch.

"...What you said earlier in school..."

"What did I say?"

"Um... Like when you told me... That I had no idea what I did to you..." She looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. "What did you mean?"

"Nothing. I was just being stupid."

"No, Demi. I know you're lying. I just want to know what you meant."

"I don't want to talk about it." I look away from her, hoping that she'll just let it go.

"...Did you cut your wrists again? Is that what you meant?" She plays with the opener on her can of Mountain Dew.

"No." I shake my head. It's not entirely a lie. I didn't cut my wrists.

"Oh... Okay then." She drops the subject, and I'm totally grateful.

"Do you think Joe will forgive me?" I reach to change the subject some more.

"...Totally. If Nick forgave me, then I don't see why Joe wouldn't forgive you."

"I hope that's how he sees it."

"Don't worry about it too much." She takes my hand and holds it. It's nice that I can tell she's doing it in a friendly way. There is no alternate meaning behind it.

"I'll try." I look down.

She takes my hand and turns it over so she can see my wrist. She pulls back one of my thick rubber bracelets. There are lots of raised up slices all along my wrist, but none of them are fresh.

"...That's scary..." She whispers.

I pull my arm away from her, but she grips it tighter.

"Did I put these there?" She rubs her thumb along the cuts.

"No..."

"If I did, you can tell me. I know we were all pretty mean to you."

"You didn't." I pull my arm away again.

"...Demi, you always... You were..." She puts her hand on my back. "You were there for me whenever I needed you... With finding out I was pregnant and all..." She rubs her hand along my back. "I just wish you'd let me be there for you whenever you need me..."

I stand up from the couch. "I needed you a week ago. I needed you to talk to me. I needed you to... HELP me. I needed you when... when I was unsure if I was bisexual because we slept together. And you weren't there for me."

"Demi..."

"No." I storm out of her house, outside onto her closed in patio. I sit on the bed I slept in the last time I was here and cross my arms over my chest. I'm so irritated.

I don't understand why I just keep getting shit on. I'm nothing but nice to people. I'm seriously the nicest person I know. Why do people just think it's okay to fuck me over?

I had sex with my best friend, I think I turned bisexual for her, and she repays me by not even speaking to me? What kind of shit is this?

"Demi..." She opens the sliding glass door and calls my name.

I stay where I am and continue crying. I'm crying angry, frustrated tears.

"Demi." She sits down next to me.

"What do you want?" I wipe my tears and sniff. I'm so irritated right now.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am..."

"Sorry for what? Tell me what you're sorry for." My voice is coming out hard, like she's my worst enemy.

"For everything. I'm sorry for doing it. I'm sorry for leading you on. I'm sorry for-"

"Leading me on?" I interrupt her, my voice raising just shy of a yell.

"I mean... It's... Let me rephrase that. I'm sorry for doing it with you, knowing that we would never be anything more than friends."

"So you're telling me that us... doing that didn't mean anything?"

"...It was just..."

"This is fucking great. Fucking fantastic, Selena. Fantastic. Here I am, feeling like a dumbass."

"Why do you feel like a dumbass?"

"Because! I... I changed... For you. I didn't even... YOU... YOU pursued me. All I did was kiss you. YOU took my underwear off. YOU took my bra off. YOU started fingering me, and I just followed your lead. And now I don't mean anything to you?"

"I'm sorry, Demi. But I'm not... Like that. You're a really good friend..."

"...Friend?!" The only reason I'm not hitting her right now is because she's pregnant.

"Friend, Demi. Like... My best friend. I'm sorry. I just don't like you in that way."

"I'm going home."

"Why?"

"Because I'm just your friend." I stand up from the bed and grab my phone to call Uncle Jason.

"Demi, please don't go home. Please..." She starts to cry. "I know, I ruined everything between us. I just want it back to normal. I want my boyfriend back. I want my friend back. I just want us back. Please don't leave..."

I stop dialing Uncle Jason's number.

"I fucked everything up, Demi. I'm sorry. I fucked our friendship up... I'm sorry." She sniffs and keeps crying.

I...am WAY too nice. WAY too nice.

I put my phone back down and rub Selena's back. "It's okay..."

"It's not okay... It's not okay... It's never okay."

"It's fine, Selena... It's fine."

I still want to be mean to Selena. I still want to hate her. But I won't do that.

And the only reason I won't do that is because I know how it feels. And sometimes...

All you need is someone - anyone to tell you that it's okay.

I wish I had someone to tell me that.

* * *

"Demi. Wake up." Someone pats me on my back. "Wake up, Demi." Whoever it is, they shake me softly. "Wake up..."

"Mmm..." I move around and open my heavy eyes. "Huh?"

Whoever woke me up moves on to Selena. "Wake up, Selena."

When did I fall asleep? I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.

Selena yawns real loud beside me. Her back was turned to me, but she's facing me now.

I blink my eyes twice to formally wake up. I see now that it was Miss Mandy who woke us up. "Get up, girls. The boys are here."

Joe's here?

I rub my eyes some more. I'm still not all the way up.

Selena stands up and goes to open the door. Miss Mandy goes back in the house. I'm still lying in the bed on the patio. I grab my phone and check it.

I have two text messages. One from Aunt Kathy and one from Dallas. I check the one from Aunt Kathy first.

I just got it 10 minutes ago, at 9:30. I open it.

Aunt Kathy: Good night Demi. Call me in the morning when you wake up. Have a nice night. I love you.

I text her back.

Me: Night Aunt Kathy. Love you too.

I check the one from Dallas.

Dallas: I heard about your good grades. I'm so proud of you! When I come to Florida in a month or so, we will def. go out and celebrate. Keep your grades up though. Love you baby girl.

I don't text her back. I forgot she was coming to Florida in a little while for her Christmas break. I think she gets the whole month of December off, plus two weeks in January.

"We took a nap. I'm sorry, I forgot to set my alarm to wake up." I hear Selena's voice coming back.

"It's alright, babe. I though you just forgot about me." I hear Nick's voice too.

"Demi's here, right?" His voice makes me melt. I missed him so much. I missed hearing my Joe's voice.

"Yeah, she's laying on the patio." I hear the sliding glass door open and footprints come out on the patio.

I keep my attention on my phone, acting like I don't care that they're here.

Selena sits beside me again, and Nick climbs on the bed next to her.

"...Hey, Dems... Long time no see?" Nick greets me.

I put my phone down. "Yeah..."

"I'm sure Selena explained everything..."

"She did..."

"I'm sorry, too. I was just... Upset. With the whole situation."

"I know..."

"The whole time, we missed you though. The crew wasn't complete without you."

That makes me smile a little. "Thanks."

Around the corner, Joe comes out. He's dressed in a blue T-shirt and baggy grey sweatpants. He looks at me, anger clear in his expression.

I just look at him too.

"We need to talk. Get up." He motions for me to get off the bed.

I get up and walk over to him without a word. Out of the three that were mean to me, I think Joe is the only one that has a right to be a bastard towards me. I did cheat on him. He's understandably angry.

"Let's go to the trampoline." He storms past me, off the patio, down the steps and onto the trampoline.

I follow him, but a lot slower in my manner.

I sit across from him on the trampoline.

He just stares at me. His face is hard. It's not just a stare. It's a glare.

I look down and play with the strings on my pajama pants.

"...So you cheated on me." He starts. His voice matches his angry look.

I just nod. "Technically...

"...Why? What did I do?" He looks like he's gonna cry.

"Nothing... You didn't do anything it's just..."

"I had to have done something to make you want to cheat."

"Joe you didn't."

"I mean, I know I worked a lot, and we didn't spend a lot of time together... But I didn't think you would cheat on me."

"It's not like that. It was a mistake. An honest mistake."

He looks up at me again, crying this time. "Then what was it like? You don't accidentally have sex with someone else..."

"Don't cry..." I hold his hand.

"I'm gonna cry, Demi. I'm gonna cry. I just can't believe you cheated on me. I loved you... I loved you so much."

"You still love me. I still love you." I scoot closer to him.

"You must love the other guy too..."

"...it's not a guy." I sigh. It's tough admitting this.

"It's... Not?"

"No. It was Selena." I hang my head in shame.

"...WHAT?"

"...Yeah."

"...You... Cheated... On ME... With a... Girl?"

"Yes..."

"No fucking way... And Nick didn't tell me that?" He lays back on the trampoline and puts his hands on his face.

"What?" I scoot closer again.

"I can't believe... I... Demi, I haven't eaten in days... Because he just told me you cheated... And come to find out, you cheated with a girl?!"

"Well... Yeah..."

"I cried my EYES out because of this... And it was a girl..."

"Yeah... I thought we established that it was a girl..."

"A GIRL..."

"A girl, Joe."

"Here I thought you slept with another guy..."

"Nope." I shake my head.

He shakes his head. "You're too much." He's smiling. "You're too much."

"...Aren't you mad?"

"How can I be mad?! You cheated on me with a girl. I don't even think that's cheating..."

"But we... Had sex..."

"I'm gonna kill Nick. I was so distraught, trying to figure out what boy I was gonna kill for fucking my girlfriend... And it's a girl."

"...You're not mad?"

"No... I can't be mad. I'm mad that I wasn't there to watch it, though. That would've been hot.

"So like... Are you still my boyfriend?"

He sits back up and leans in to me. He kisses me on my lips, softly. No tongue involved.

"I missed you so much, babe." He strokes my cheek when he's done kissing me. "It was seriously the worst week of my life without you."

"I missed you too..."

He kisses me again, deeper this time. His tongue is soft in my mouth. It feels good.

"I'm gonna kill Nick." He kisses me again, just as deep. "I missed a week with you, all because he wouldn't tell me WHO you cheated with..."

"We can make up for that week..." I have my arms wrapped so tightly around him that my shoulders hurt. I missed him so much.

"We're definitely going out this weekend. Since we missed our anniversary." He kisses my neck, right below my ear.

"I forgot how much I loved your kisses..." I whisper to him, drawing his lips back to mine so I can kiss him again.

"You forgot? It's only been a week..." He kisses me again, tongue exploring every inch of my mouth.

"Mmm... I forgot." I pull away with his bottom lip between my teeth.

"What else did you forget?" He puts his hands on my hips.

"You don't wanna know..." I move his hands off my hips and onto my chest, since that's the only part of me above my waist that isn't sore from cuts.

"Will you tell me?" He squeezes my boobs.

"Only if you show me..."

"Deal."

I take my hand on put it right on his manhood. He's not that hard, but he's hard enough. I start massaging it. "I forgot what this feels like..."

"I might just have to refresh your memory..." He kisses my lips again and starts to take my shirt off.

"No... Leave it on.." I swat his hands away. I don't want him to see my lower stomach/hips.

"Why baby?"

"It's just chilly out here..."

"Whatever you want, baby." He kisses my neck again and takes off my pajama pants. "You're wearing a thong?"

"Sorry.. It was the only underwear I had clean..." I laugh and kiss him again.

"...Sexy." He takes my underwear off too. "I really missed this..." He kisses me on my cheek. "I love you..."

"I love you too." I reach up and curl my fingers in his hair.

"I'll always love you..." He looks in my eyes. "Forever."

"...Forever." I smile at him softly and nod. "Forever sounds good."

He makes a slight move and before I know it, he's inside of me. I'm making a mistake, because he doesn't have a condom. The last three times we had sex, he didn't have a condom. He's been pulling out. I'm not worried about getting pregnant, though.

The last three times we've had unprotected sex, he hasn't came. He's always, always, ALWAYS pulled out before he did, and I'd finish him off after that, usually with a blowjob or a handjob. I guess at least if he cums in my mouth or on my hand, I can't get pregnant.

I'll start protecting myself again though.

* * *

_October 22, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Last night went pretty well. I stayed over Selena's, and that was that._

_Me and Selena talked some things out, and even though I can't fully forgive her, I can try to get things back to normal._

_Joe came over Selena's last night, and I finally admitted everything to him. He wasn't so mad when he found out that I cheated on him with a girl. He forgave me and we made up. We had make up sex, but my favorite part of last night was after the sex. He held me and we looked up at the starts together. _

_We talked about the fact that we've been having unprotected sex a lot. He told me that he would NEVER get me pregnant, because he respects me more than that and he wants me to be able to live my life. _

_He told me in secrecy that he doesn't think that Nick cares about Selena as much as he says he does, because he got her pregnant. He said that Selena won't be able to enjoy her childhood now. I guess I agree._

_Joe told me that my education and my right to be a teenager is the most important thing in the world to him. He said that he would never take that away from me._

_I know that I really love Joe._

_The cuts on my stomach are healing. In fact, they don't hurt so much in the shower anymore. _

_It feels like things are falling back into place, but there's no way for me to be completely sure. I guess I'll just have to wait and see._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_ October 26, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today in school, we had an assembly. It was a very awkward assembly for me, because it was about rape._

_They told us that rape is a very big deal and that it should be taken very seriously. It was just awkward for me to sit through it, so Mr. Carrison let me come sit with him in his room until it was over._

_The assembly was two hours long, so I sat with Carrison through his lunch period. He ordered me an Italian hoagie from the place he got his lunch from. We sat in his room and watched a movie, and I helped him clean out his supply closet and stuff._

_Carrison told me that I'm a really good kid. And he told me that I didn't deserve what Cody did for me. And he gave me his address and told me that if I ever need to talk, don't hesitate to come over because he thinks I really need someone to talk to._

_I told him thank you, and it felt good because aside from my friends, he was the only one I told about you. He asked me why I had to move here, and I told him._

_He lost his own mother to cancer. She had throat cancer. She died when he was 18. He also told me about his wife, Emily. She struggles to get pregnant every month._

_It felt good to talk to Carrison on a personal level. I think I might have bonded with him, and the crush I had on him at the beginning of the year is definitely gone. He's a very good friend to me._

_Aunt Kathy has finally finished the nursery for the baby. Not to be cocky, but my drawing of the tree really makes it pop._

_I've been writing more and more songs lately, and I've noticed a drastic change in them. They're about love now, as opposed to the songs I wrote about sadness._

_I just wish I could sing._

_You were a beautiful singer._

_Miss you more and more each day._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_October 29, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today was a very good day. _

_First of all, Uncle Jason made the decision to retire from the service today. He made a promise to me and Aunt Kathy that he's serious this time. He said he's retiring, because he wants to be there for T.J., and T.J. won't need a daddy that's away all the time. I think Uncle Jason's commitment is noble._

_Joe quit his other job today. He no longer works at the pizza place in the mall. He only works at Steve & Barry's, which means I have more time to spend with him. _

_I'm not sure when we're gonna go out for our anniversary, because between the both of us, we've been busy. Our date got postponed again, because I had to help Aunt Kathy finish the nursery on Saturday. _

_Joe bought me this really pretty ring. It's not an engagement ring, and it's not a promise ring. He said that its a commitment ring. He said that the ring is a symbol that I'm his girlfriend and that he's very serious about me. I never take it off. It's silver and white gold. The diamonds in it sparkle. I know that it wasn't cheap._

_We started having protected sex again, so that's something to be proud of._

_On an even lighter note than that, Selena found out today that she's having a little girl. The doctor still thinks she might be having twins, but they can't detect another heartbeat so probably not._

_At lunch today, I helped her name the baby. Nick seems to be okay with the name too, but they both have to run the name by their parents. I think the name is beautiful, I can't believe that I came up with it._

_The baby's name is going to be Luna Mackenzie. _

_I picked Luna because of Selena's name. Selena's name means "moon" in Spanish, and so does Luna. Nick picked Mackenzie._

_Selena's kind of giving me baby fever. _

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._


	42. Surprised

_October 31, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Happy Halloween! _

_Remember how Halloween was always my favorite holiday? I don't know why I like it so much. Everything about Halloween just seems so... Cool to me._

_Like the eating truckloads of candy, dressing up in costumes and watching crazy movies. It's just a fun holiday._

_A couple of my friends from school are throwing a big Halloween party tonight, with costumes and everything. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason are afraid to let me go, so I'm only allowed to go for three hours._

_I got a really cute costume at the mall today. We didn't have school today, so I was allowed to go to the mall with Aunt Kathy early. I admit, the costume is a bit slutty. I'm a pink fairy._

_Since I'm only allowed to go to the party for a few hours, we're all going to hang out over Nick and Joe's house afterwards. Uncle Jason extended my curfew until 1:30 tonight, as long as I stay over the Jonas house._

_The party isn't until 7:00 tonight, so I have about five hours to kill. Until then, I'm going to sit out on the porch and pass out candy to the little trick or treaters. I wish I wasn't too old to trick or treat._

_Aunt Kathy painted a pumpkin on her belly earlier to take a picture for the baby book. I helped her draw on the face. I thought it was really cute, but what's even cuter than that is the shirt Uncle Jason bought her. It has a skeleton baby on her tummy._

_I still love Halloween._

_I guess that's one thing that hasn't changed about me since we moved to Florida._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

"Demi! Trick or treating starts in ten minutes, get down here!" Uncle Jason hollers up the steps.

"I'm coming!" I yell back. I stand up and grab my phone. I don't mind passing out candy. I used to pass out candy back home too.

I go downstairs and stop in the living room. "It starts in ten minutes?"

Aunt Kathy hands me a green bowl with Frankenstein's face painted on it. "Yes, come on. You have to dress up too."

"...You never said that."

"I dress up every year to pass out candy. Just put the mouse ears on, and let me give you a nose." She hands me a pair of ears with a red bow with white spots on it. I guess it's supposed to be Minnie Mouse.

I put the ears on top of my head. She never said anything about dressing up.

"Here, just let me give you a nose." Aunt Kathy takes her black eyeliner pencil and colors my nose in black. She also gives me whiskers.

"You never said anything about me dressing up..." I grumble.

"Be a good sport about it or you won't get your Halloween present." Uncle Jason puts a few more mini Snickers in the Frankenstein bowl.

"Halloween present?" I have a Halloween present? Since when?

"Yes. Halloween present. It's in the backyard. But you don't get it until you finish passing out candy, and you have to be a good sport about it." Aunt Kathy adjusts my mouse ears.

"...okay." I'm a little excited, but not that excited. What could they possibly have for me? I already have everything. "Come on, Jorge." I pick Jorge up and bring him outside with me.

I sit in a chair on the porch, and Jorge sits next to me. Even Jorge got into the Halloween spirit. He has a hotdog outfit on, and it fits, because he is a wiener dog.

I kick my feet and wait for the little kids to come get their candy.

I remember why I love Halloween so much.

* * *

_November 1, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Last night was awesome. I had a blast. _

_Handing out the the candy was really cute. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason made me dress up as Minnie Mouse to hand the candy out. I was okay with it, for the most part._

_All these kids were dressed up so cutely! There was a Woody, a Buzz Lightyear, a Batman, a black cat, a princess and my personal favorite was a baby dressed up as a green bean. It was so cute._

_The party turned out to be really lame. Nobody danced and everyone just stood around. I got offered a drink or two, but I didn't drink. The smell of alcohol almost made me sick. The party was so uninteresting that we didn't stay the whole three hours I was allowed. Nick called Joe to pick us up early. _

_After I went home and changed, we went back to Joe's house. All we did was watch movies and stuff. I fell asleep on Joe's chest, and he was in charge of getting me home._

_All in all, last night wasn't that productive. Even though it wasn't very productive, I still had the time of my life. _

_Sometimes, I feel like things are really going good, then I get the feeling that it won't last. I hope it lasts._

_Uncle Jason asked me about the ring that Joe gave me today. He was convinced that it was an engagement ring. He gave me a long speech about how I was way too young to get married. It took a lot of convincing for him to believe that it wasn't an engagement ring._

_I also went to the gynecologist today. Mom, it was SO weird! I didn't even know I had to go, Aunt Kathy just surprised me. She said it was less traumatic if I didn't know what was coming._

_I felt so violated..._

_At first, the lady felt my boobs. She was asking me about school while rubbing my boobs. It was so weird._

_Then, she had me take my panties off and she swabbed a q-tip in my crouch and it was so strange. I felt horribly embarrassed. _

_After the q-tip thing, she had me pee in a cup. And after peeing in a cup, she asked me all about my sexual history. Now I have birth control pills._

_At the end of the visit, she told me I was completely healthy down there. I'm not pregnant, I don't have any STDs and I don't have a yeast infection. I just thought that was gross._

_I told Joe I have birth control now, but he still wants to use condoms. I guess he really does care about me that much._

_Uncle Jason was really upset with me when we ate lunch today. _

_We all ate lunch in the living room, watching TV when Aunt Kathy told him where we came back from. He was upset that I'm having sex with Joe._

_He told me that it's my body and I can have sex if I want to, but he was disappointed that it was with someone so much older. I told him that Joe wasn't like that and it was the end of the conversation._

_Being that today is only Saturday, it's pretty sad that I don't want to go to school on Monday. _

_I'm going out with Joe today, finally, so I guess I have to go. I'm not sure where Joe's taking me, so it'll just be a surprise._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

As soon as I'm done writing my letter, I grab my phone and call Joe.

He will NOT tell me where he's taking me, but I need to know because I don't know how I should dress.

"Hello beautiful..." Joe answers the phone. I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's smiling.

"Hey..." I'm smiling too.

"Are you ready for me to come get you? We have to get going by 4:30..."

"Why?"

"I'm not telling you why. Just know that we have to go before 3:30."

"Okay... But can you tell me how I should dress? Should I wear a bathing suit... A jacket... What should I wear?"

"Wear jeans, a long sleeve shirt and some tenner shoes. We'll be outside for a long time."

"...Alright."

"See you in a couple minutes."

"See you."

He hangs up the phone and I plug my phone back into the charger. I'm dying to know where he's taking me.

I pull on a pair of comfortable jeans. Luckily, my cuts are healed enough to have jeans rub against them without hurting too terribly.

After my jeans, I pull on a long sleeve, hot pink shirt with "Hollister" written down the arm in lime green letters. He said wear shoes, so I put on the sparkly pair of converse that my aunt bought me when we went school shopping. It's the first time I've worn these shoes.

For the first time in forever, I straightened my hair. It's really, really long. It falls a little past my breasts. I don't think Joe ever seen me with my hair straightened. I hope he likes it.

I spray myself with perfume, stick my phone in my back pocket and head downstairs.

"Aunt Kathy? Does my makeup look okay?" I go to the kitchen and sit down in front of her. She's busy reading a cookbook.

"...I like the pink. It looks nice on your skin." She looks up from the cookbook and swipes away stray eyeshadow. "You're such a pretty girl."

"Thanks."

"Your hair's getting long, girly. You need a haircut."

"I know." I tap my fingers on the marble island.

"You don't know where he's taking you?"

"Nope."

"Well it's 3:15. You're leaving at 3:30?"

"Before 3:30."

"Why?"

"Don't Know." I pick up a stick of Winterfresh gum and pop it in my mouth.

Almost as if it was on cue, I hear the faint beeping outside. "Gotta go." I stand up from the barstool. "Oh... Aunt Kathy?"

"What, Demi?"

"What about my Halloween present?"

"...Remind me about it when you come home later. It's still out in the backyard."

"Okay... I haven't looked out there."

"Hurry up and go, you're gonna be late for your date."

"Alright... He said we'll be home around 11:30, maybe 12:00. I'll call you when we're on our way home." I grab an extra jacket in case it gets colder tonight and dash out the door.

I climb in the car with Joe. "Hey!"

"Hello..." He kisses my lips. "Buckle up, we gotta get going."

"Now will you tell me where we're going?"

"Nope. I will tell you that it's an hour and a half drive though." He starts driving towards the way to get on the highway.

"...So it's not in Daytona?"

"Nope. It's in an entirely different city." He pushes on the gas pedal when we get on the highway. His car goes so fast.

"Miami?" I ask. That's the only other big city in Florida I can think of right now.

"Stop guessing, Demi. Be surprised." He grips the wheel tighter and pushes the gas some more. He's going about 70 mph.

He's wearing a dark red, long sleeve muscle shirt and dark blue jeans. "We're gonna be outside the whole time?"

"Yeah." He reaches over and holds my hand. "We have an hour and half..."

"An hour and a half in the car with you? Oh god." I say, sarcastically.

"An hour and a half." He chuckles. "An hour and a half to get to know each other..." He kisses my hand.

"We already know each other." I look out the window.

"I don't know you as much as I want to know you, babe."

"Well what do you wanna know?"

"Everything. Like your favorite color..."

"You know that. It's yellow."

"Do you know mine?"

"Blue and green."

"Your birthday is August 20th, isn't it?"

"Mhm. And yours is the 15th."

"What about my favorite food? You know that?" He strokes my hand.

"Tacos, right?"

He smiles. "And yours is Chinese." He kisses my hand again. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Can you believe that Nick and Selena are gonna have a baby? That's nuts..."

"I know... I don't know if I feel bad or not..."

"What do you mean by that babe?"

"It's just... Selena and Nick were having sex like... Three times a day without protection or anything. U mean, Selena was on birth control but she wasn't using it right..." I explain.

"Yeah." He sighs and turns a corner. We're officially out of Daytona Beach. "I can't believe Nick was that stupid. He knew to protect himself..."

"Yeah... But Selena always told me it felt better without one."

"It does. It feels a LOT better without a condom. But I'll never do it without one again. It feels good as hell without, but I can't risk that."

"I have birth control now, so we're okay. And I take I'll take it right..."

"I'll never get you pregnant, Demi. NEVER."

"It's not that big of a deal if you did. I mean, I don't want a baby, But if you did get me pregnant it wouldn't be all that big of a deal..."

"I'll still never do that to you, babe. You have every right to be a teenager and to enjoy your time to be free. I'd never make a baby fuck that up for you."

I smile. "That's good to know, Joe..."

"I love you too much for that."

"I love you too. ...I do want a baby someday... To you."

"Don't be stupid, Demi. You'll meet someone else when you go to college."

"I don't want to go to college out of Florida. I want to be with you..."

"You're going to college, Demi. If I have to work three jobs just to support you, you're GOING to college. If you want to be with me, you're GOING to college. I want you to be the best you can be."

"I want to go to art school or something..."

"You're an amazing artist, baby girl. If you really want to be with me, and art school is what you want, you'll go to art school. I'll have a baby with you. But when we can both afford it, when we're stable in our careers."

"...Okay." I smile. "I hope we have a girl someday."

"I want a boy." He laughs.

I laugh back and look at the time. "We've been in the car for an hour. It doesn't even seem like it's been that long..."

"It doesn't seem like it. But it's because I love spending time with you." He stops at a stoplight.

"Will you tell me where we're going NOW?"

"You'll know in a half hour. In fact, you should start to see signs here in a minute..."

"Signs?"

"Direction signs. That tell you how to get to where we're going." He kisses my cheek and starts driving again.

"All I know us that we're in Orlando..." I sigh and look out the window. I don't see any signs.

"Demi, would it kill you to be surprised?"

"...Yeah, it would."

"Just a half hour more. Not even a half hour. Like... 15 minutes and we're there."

"Where are we GOING?!"

"DEMI!"

"I JUST WANT TO KNOW..."

"Fifteen minutes!" He keeps going straight. I notice that he's distracting me from looking at signs out the window. "You just missed the sign babe!"

"YOU DISTRACTED ME!"

"Ten more minutes!"

"WHERE ARE WE GOING!?"

"Just a little while longer!"

"JOE! TELL ME!"

"Just wait!"

"PLEASE?!"

"...Demi, roll down your window and look at the sign." He slows to a stop and puts his turn signal on.

I roll down the window and stick my head out into the cool, November air. I finally see it. It's beautiful.

Arched in front me, hanging HIGH in the air, it's there.

Atop of the sign, there's a shiny blue castle with pink flags sitting in white clouds. On each side of the castle, there is a red flag, a purple flag and a blue flag. Below the flags and castle, there is a peach strip with red letters on it. The red letters read: Walt Disney World

Below the red letters, there's a blue scroll with sparkly silver letters on it. The letters say: "where dreams come true."

"DISNEY WORLD?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

He laughs at me. "I'm serious..."

"YOU'RE TAKING ME TO DISNEY WORLD?!"

"Why not?"

"JOE!"

"What?!"

"DISNEY!?"

He laughs and turns into the parking lot. "Happy anniversary, babe."

I really, really, really...

Think I'm going to cry.


	43. Fairytale

"Stop spinning the cup! Stop it, Joe!" I'm laughing harder than I have ever laughed in my life, and it feels good to have my stomach muscles hurt. "Stop!"

"Nope. You asked for it." He grips the wheel of the teacup and spins it faster. "You asked for it!"

"Stop!" When he turns it faster, I fall into him and land on his shoulder.

He laughs and stops turning the wheel. "The only reason I'm done is because the ride's ending."

The teacups are slowing down to a stop. The teacups are only the first ride we've been on, and they're already my favorite.

"You're such a jerk." I step out of the teacup and walk to the exit. There are a lot of people here, but I guess that was to be expected. It's Disney World after all.

"What do you wanna ride next baby?" Joe wraps his arm around me as we get back into the walkway of the park. "Whatever you wanna ride, we can ride it."

"Um..." I wrap my arm around his waist so that I'm closer to him. It's crowded and I don't want to lose him. "Let's go ride that..." I point to a big, brown rollercoaster that's off in the far distance.

"That's thunder mountain... You wanna ride that?"

"Mhm." I keep staring at it. It's so big that it seriously looks like it's scraping the setting sun.

"I went on that with Nick. It's a hell of a lot of fun. We have to walk to FrontierLand, though. Come on." He grabs my hand tighter and walks me in a different direction.

"Well where are we now?" I ask. It's probably apparent that I've never been to Disney World.

"We're in FantasyLand." He explains.

"Oh..." We keep walking. We walk past the Peter Pan ride and past the Dumbo ride.

Above us looms a brown sign held up with iron railroad tracks. It says "FrontierLand."

"If you see anything you want to ride on the way to Thunder Mountain, just let me know babe."

I look around. The park is so big that I can hardly even understand it. I've never been anywhere like this before.

"What's that?" I point to a water ride. The sign is made out of logs.

"Splash Mountain. We can get on it..."

"No... Not yet." I keep up with his stride.

"And... Here we are. Thunder Mountain." He stops and turns into an entrance that looks like it was carved out of the side of a mountain. "The line for this is never that long. But we can use our EZ passes."

I walk with him up a set of steps. The scenery is all so convincing. There is a bunch of old mining equipment behind a chain-link fence and the lights are flickering slightly. Little puffs of air shoot out from here and there. It's really cool, but kind of scary.

"In here, babe." He leads me through a separate entrance because we have EZ passes. I follow him closely, and we're standing in a line with about 30 other people. It's much shorter than the line for those who don't have EZ passes.

"Are you having a good time?" Joe turns to me as soon as we stop walking. He puts his hands on my waist in a way that blatantly suggests that we have a sexual relationship.

"Mhm. It's awesome..." I just look around. It's dark in our waiting area except for the flickering lights. "I'd love to bring Madison here. She'd love this..."

"...Who's Madison?"

"...She's my sister. My other sister. The little one."

"Oh..."

"Yeah." I look down and kick my foot.

"You must miss her. You never talk about her much..."

"Yeah, I miss her. But she's well taken care of with my dad."

"So you shouldn't worry." He moves his hands up my shirt and onto my bare waist.

"I don't worry as much as I used to." I rest my head on his chest while we wait.

He rests his chin on top of my head. "As soon as you hear an alarm sound, it means there's another train coming back to station. Do you want to sit in the front cart or the back?"

"Middle."

"Alright then we'll stay in this line." He rubs my back and kisses the top of my head.

As soon as he kisses me, the loud alarm blares. "That for us?" I look up and ask him.

"Yep." He lets me go and starts walking to board an empty cart. "You're lighter than me, so you have to get in after me... So I don't squish you." He climbs in the cart before me. I climb in after him.

"Is this ride scary?" I fumble with my seatbelt.

"It could be. If you're not used to it." He fastens both our seatbelts and pulls a bar down over our laps.

"Welcome to The Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Please secure all loose items and keep hands in feet inside mine trains at all times. Please sit tight and enjoy your ride here on Big Thunder Mountain." Some random guy says over a PA system.

I look up towards the front cart. It's shaped like the front part of a train, with the smoke pipe and everything. All the carts are painted and designed to look like mine trains.

A ride conductor comes over and double-checks our seatbelts and bar. I'm getting a little nervous to ride this.

"ALL CLEAR! See you back here in approximately 3 minutes."

The train starts moving, and we immediately go into a dark tunnel. As we go into the tunnel, old western-style music starts playing. I'm a little bit scared.

Joe reaches over and holds my sweaty hand. "It's okay, babe. I got you..." He whispers to me. That calms me down a bit.

Once we're completely inside the dark tunnel, we make a very sharp left turn. So sharp that it jolts me into Joe. Now I see why I had to get in before him. The only sound is western music and the sounds of metal bats clinking against each other.

We go straight for a little while, but after the straight section, we turn right and the sound of clinking fills my ears. We're coming up a hill. On my side, I can see some old looking caves and caverns.

"Here it comes..." Joe warns me.

Suddenly, the clinking of chains stops and we're dangling for a while. Shortly, we're going down the hill.

"Joe..." I call his name, but my voice is lost amongst all the other screamers on the ride.

When we finish dropping off the hill, we're back out into the light of the sunset. On my right, I see another train with more riders on it. It's cool.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine..." This is fun. This is very fun. I was worried for no reason.

"You're gonna hop out your seat on this next part. Hold onto me." He instructs and grabs the thick part of my arm.

Scratch the teacups. This is by far my favorite ride.

But it's only my second, so I'm not sure.

_November 2, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Joe took me to Disney World, mom! DISNEY WORLD!_

_It was so much fun. We rode basically every ride in the Magic Kingdom. I can't pick a favorite, but if I HAD to pick one, it would most probably be Space Mountain. It was so neat to act like we were traveling through space. I'd like to bring Maddie back someday._

_I wish Joe would've told me that he was taking me to Disney World, otherwise I would've brought some money with me. I only brought twenty bucks. _

_I don't think bringing money would've made much of a difference though, because Joe wouldn't let me pay for anything. He bought me a Monster's Inc. pillow, a blanket with Cinderella's castle on it, and all the refreshments I could want._

_My favorite part of the evening was definitely eating in Cinderella's castle then watching the firework show._

_I had a plate of roast beef for dinner. Joe and I shared shrimp cocktail as an appetizer. For dessert, we ate chocolate mousse. The dinner was real fancy._

_After we ate, we stepped outside and watched the firework show that was lit off the top of the castle. I know it sounds cheesy, but Joe even kissed me under the fireworks._

_I was beyond tired when we got back to the car. Joe could tell I was tired, and he reclined the chair for me. I curled up with my new pillow and blanket and fell asleep on the ride home._

_Since I lived a fairytale last night, I think it's safe to say that Joe is my Prince Charming._

_I'm feeling good mom. _

_I just hope it lasts._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

_November 3, 2008_

_Today, Aunt Kathy talked on the phone to someone down at the Behavioral Health Center. I think she's trying to get me a therapist._

_I really don't think I need one anymore. I've been feeling a whole lot better, mom. Maybe it's because things feels me they're actually right._

_Things feel right in my life, but I've learned to live with constantly being sad. I'm sad all the time, it just feels normal to me anymore._

_It's getting easier to deal with the sadness, which is probably the most important thing. _

_As long as I feel okay, I don't feel the need to cut._

_But if it makes Aunt Kathy feel better, then I'll talk to a therapist._

_It could only help..._

_Right?_

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._


	44. Fever

"Joe really took you to Disney World? Really?" Selena stirs her ice cream and crosses her legs on my couch. I love it when the both of us hang out, just us.

"Yeah. I was so surprised. It had to have been super expensive." I spoon some ice cream into my mouth.

"See, I wish Nick would do something like that for me. I know he loves me and all, but he always had a real messed up way of showing it."

"So you mean he never took you anywhere?" I cross my legs too. "Never been on dates?"

"Oh, no. He's taken me on dates. But always to like...fancy restaurants. Never to a place like Disney." She puts her carton down.

"Oh..." I finish off my ice cream too and put my carton on the table.

"You know, I'm pregnant with his baby, and he doesn't even ask me to come over or anything anymore. He always rubs my stomach and stuff and tells me he loves me, but I don't really see it anymore." She sighs.

I put my hand on her back. "It's okay, Selena."

"You know... I'm really happy for you, Demi. That you have Joe. You deserve him."

"Thanks. You know... It feels weird. Because I don't feel like I did anything to deserve the way he treats me..."

"That's how love is supposed to feel." She chuckles. "Just don't let it wear off. Like me and Nick's did."

I sigh. "Yeah, I'll really try." I glance over at my cable box to check the time. "Oooh." I hop up from the couch.

"What?" Selena stands up too.

"It's almost 3:00. I have to leave in a minute." I clean up our cartons.

"Oh, that is right. Are you excited to go?" She helps me clean up.

"More like nervous..." I admit.

"I'd be nervous too." She puts both our spoons in the sink. "I'm gonna go now. It's a long walk home..."

"Do you want a ride?" I ask her.

"No. I like to walk. It clears my mind." She runs her fingers through her hair.

"Alright."

"Let me know how it goes." She grabs the doorknob and opens the door.

"I will."

"See you, Demi."

"Bye Lena."

She leaves the house and I shut the door behind her.

"Aunt Kathy, I'm ready!" I scream up the steps.

She insists that I do this, so I have no choice.

Hopefully it helps.

* * *

_November 4, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Things are still pretty good. Me and Joe's relationship is turning out well, and I really feel like it's different between us._

_By different, I mean it doesn't seem like we're still in the first stage of a relationship. It's all different now, because we feel differently about each other._

_I know that I'm only sixteen, but I really feel like he has potential to be the one. I have never had anybody that cares about me so deeply. Joe reminds me every single day how much he cares._

_Our relationship is more than just kissing and sex. Though we do have sex quite often, it always means something. Every time we do it, he kisses me for a half hour straight after we're done and he tells me he loves me._

_I know this sounds silly, but he makes me feel so important when we have sex. He never, EVER does his business before I do mine. He likes to make sure I enjoy myself before he does. I really love him._

_So, earlier today, I went to the Behavioral Health Center. I didn't get to talk to a therapist just yet. I had to answer a bunch of questions so they could assess my problems. They told Aunt Kathy that I should start my therapy sessions in about a week._

_The lady that did my questions was really nice. She asked me about my past, if I've ever cut, why I cut, and things like that. _

_I really wish that I didn't have to go talk to a stranger about my problems. But it's what Aunt Kathy wants._

_Also, Dallas called me today and she gave me some pretty sad news. She was supposed to fly in to Florida for Thanksgiving to spend it with us, but since she dropped the classes on Tuesdays, she can't now. She has to make up some of her Tuesday classes over the break._

_I'm sad that it's only going to be me, Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason for Thanksgiving, but at least I'll have some place to eat._

_Dallas promised me that she'd be here for Christmas though. Aunt Kathy already agreed to let her stay here over her Christmas break._

_I don't know why Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason spoil me rotten. They get me everything I could ever want. I even got a HALLOWEEN present, mom. _

_When I came back from the Behavior Center, Uncle Jason told me to go outside in the backyard. At first, all I noticed was the construction work around the pool. They're opening their pool back up. I thought that was my present. But I was wrong._

_Off in the corner of the yard, there was a little yellow Volkswagen Beetle. It's tiny, but it's perfect for me. The top even goes down. Isn't that just crazy? They got me a CAR for HALLOWEEN. _

_I can't drive it yet, because I only have my permit and not my license. Uncle Jason is getting a new motor put in it too. So I have to wait to drive it._

_I haven't told any of my friends about the car, because they already think I'm spoiled. I am spoiled, but I don't ask for it. I'm spoiled rotten, and that's terrible._

_You know what else is horrible?_

_Selena is giving me really bad baby fever. She told me that her and Nick's relationship is a lot different now that she's pregnant, but she also said that they're connected in a deeper way now._

_I want a baby with Joe. A little girl, to be exact. It will probably never happen anytime soon, but it's what I want._

_I want to feel that connection with Joe, and the only way we'd feel it is if I had his baby._

_There are two reasons why it wouldn't happen though._

_One reason is that no matter how hard I try... I can stop taking my birth control, have sex without a condom, whatever. I can do all of that to try and get pregnant, but Joe would NEVER get me pregnant. _

_Reason two is that I'm not that stupid. It would be nice to have a baby with him, and I do want a baby with him, but there's no way in hell that I would seriously go through with it._

_It's nice to know what I want out of life though. I want to have a daughter with Joe someday, and he wants a son. It's safe to say that if it ever happens, we'll be having two babies. A boy and a girl._

_Speaking of babies..._

_You know about Dallas's baby now, right? I was never supposed to tell you about the baby, but you know now because you're both in heaven. Was her baby a boy or a girl? I wish you could tell me._

_You don't have to worry about me though, mom._

_I won't get pregnant. I promise you that._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._

When I finish writing my letter, my phone rings. Joe usually always calls me around this time on school nights, so I'm assuming it's him.

I push my chair in and grab my phone. I was wrong. It's not Joe. It's Selena. I answer it.

I clear my throat. "Hello?"

"Hey Dems... Just callin to let you know that I won't be in school tomorrow..." She sounds like she's sad.

"...You won't? Why not?"

"Because I have to go to the doctor's..."

"Why do you sound so sad?"

"I don't want you to worry. It's nothing, Dems."

"...You can tell me."

"It's really nothing."

"It has to be something. You wouldn't sound so sad for no reason..."

"I'm just having stomach pains... My mom seems to think its the start of a miscarriage, but we don't know yet..."

"...So where are you?" She's right. I am very worried.

"I'm at the hospital right now. They stopped the stomach pains and stuff. The baby's okay, but under some stress."

"Why wouldn't you tell me this earlier?!"

"Because I still want you to go to school. And I don't want you to worry about me."

"Well now I really am worried!"

"Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine with the baby. Nick's here with me, so I'm fine too."

"...Okay. Call me as soon as anything else happens, alright? You have my god daughter with you. I want her to be okay."

"She'll be okay. I'm on this medicine to help her calm down. They said I should be out by tomorrow afternoon. They said it could still be the signs that I'm gonna miscarry, but they'll be monitoring it real good so that I don't."

"Okay... Tell Luna I said I love her."

"She said she loves you too, Auntie Demi."

I smile. "I love you too, Lena. Stay safe for me."

"I will. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. Love you too, Dems."

"Okay... See you."

"Bye."

She hangs up.

I really, really hope Selena and Luna are okay. I guess she did good with not telling me earlier, because I would definitely be at that hospital right now.

But she said she's okay, so I'll really try to calm down.

I'll leave it in the hospital's hands.


	45. Wrecked

_November 5, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I went to that bad place again today. I know it was all in my head, but it was bad again today._

_Selena's staying in the hospital an extra day, and Nick's staying with her, so I was alone at school today._

_It was okay for the most part, but I felt like a real loner._

_The worst part about today was obviously lunchtime. I sat at the same table I usually sit at with Selena and Nick, but I was all alone._

_Bitch Amanda and her posse all sat behind me. It was bad, because I couldn't see anything that they were doing._

_An apple core got thrown at me, and somehow, nacho cheese got in my hair. They all claimed that they didn't throw it at me though._

_My savior at lunchtime was Mr. Carrison. He was walking by with his lunch tray on his way to the teacher's lounge whenever he saw me scrubbing the cheese from my hair. He let me come sit in his room with him while we ate lunch._

_Carrison told me that I was very special to him. When I asked him why, he told me that it was because I reminded him a lot of himself when he was sixteen._

_He told me that I'm something like a wallflower, and he gave me a book to read. He gave me a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I haven't started to read it yet, but I definitely will. Carrison told me that I remind him a lot of Charlie. I'm not sure who Charlie is yet._

_I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I have developed a deep bond with Carrison._

_Today was bad, but for a brief moment... Just a moment. Just 45 minutes out of my day..._

_Carrison was able to take me out of my bad place._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_November 6, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I started reading the wallflower book, and I will admit that it's scary how much I remind myself of Charlie. There are a lot of differences though. Like the fact that Charlie's parents love him and he actually lives with both of them._

_What's the scariest is that he writes letters, just like I do. He doesn't write letters to his dead mom, though. There are more differences than similarities, but I still relate._

_I also realize that I've heard this book before. I haven't read it, but I have heard it. I think Dallas and her study group were reading it in the living room one day, because I distinctly remember hearing someone say "Love Always, Charlie." That's where I got the idea to close the letters I write to you. When I started closing my letters with "Love Always, Demi", I thought it was just natural for me to do it. I realize now that it was natural, because I've heard it before._

_In regardless, it's a very good book and I can't wait to start reading it again tonight._

_Selena wasn't in school again today. She's doing better, though. Her baby is okay, and she's doing fine too. Her mom just wanted her to rest for the day. She should be back in school tomorrow._

_I haven't really seen Selena much, because she's been in such bad shape. I've talked to her every night though. I keep her caught up on work even though she isn't missing much._

_I guess I'm writing to you around this time because Joe's late. He was supposed to go cash his paycheck then come pick me up to take me to Taco Bell with him._

_He said he'd be here to get me around 4:30 and it's 5:45 now. I wonder if he's truly late or if he's standing me up._

_I'm going to go take a shower now, so I have to go. Hopefully Joe will be here when I get out._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I fold up my letter and routinely stuff it into my lockbox. My lockbox is getting way too full. I need somewhere new to put my letters.

I get up from my desk and walk to my bathroom. I would go downstairs, but my aunt isn't even home and my uncle is probably watching football.

I start my shower water and adjust the temperature. When it's at a good heat, I undress myself and step into the spray.

I really have to distract myself with little things like showers to keep from thinking about the fact that Joe's extremely late and probably not coming.

I wash up my body. It's been a while since I've shaved my legs, so I'm gonna shave them. It's been four days since the last time I've had sex with Joe, so there hasn't really been reason enough for me to shave.

I wash my hair and massage conditioner through it. I shave my legs, wash my hair out and finish up. If Joe is outside, I don't want to miss him.

I step out of my shower, put a towel on my head and wrap one around my body. Maybe Joe fell asleep or something.

I anxiously go back to my room and grab my phone to see if he texted or called.

No calls from him, no texts from him, but I do have a missed call from Nick.

I sigh and reluctantly call Nick back. I know I'm just reaching here, but what if Nick's calling in place of Joe to say he's breaking up with me?

"Demi?" Nick answers his phone.

"Yeah, it's me... What's up?" I cross my legs and clutch my towel to my naked body.

"I'm calling for Joe... I have something to tell you..."

"Okay..." My stomach churns. My far-fetched thinking was right. He's breaking up with me.

"Joe was um... He was like... Driving to the bank today. And he was like... Rushing and stuff because he was already late to come pick you up. And he was driving way too fast and he like... Wrecked into a pole or something..."

I literally can't breathe right now. My heart feels like it sinks to the bottom of my stomach, and my throat feels like it's closing up. I can't breathe.

"Demi? You still there?"

"Mmm..." Is the only noise I can muster up. I'm not crying yet, but my eyes are stinging and welling up with tears.

"Well... Um... We're all at the hospital and stuff. I just needed to let you know... That he's..."

I hang up on him. I can't hear him say that Joe's dead. I just can't hear that. I'm not prepared to hear that.

I hurriedly dry myself off and throw my dripping wet hair up into a bun. I throw on a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top, without a bra or underwear. I don't even grab my phone. I just slide on my flip flops and rush out of my door.

Uncle Jason is on the couch asleep. I know I'll probably get into a HEAP of trouble, but I don't care right now. I have to get to the hospital.

I grab the keys to the truck and dash out the front door. I would take my own car, but there's no motor in it at the moment.

I rush and start the car and back out the driveway. I drive down the road to get onto the highway. I can hardly see where I'm driving to through the tears that are spilling out of my eyes.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I get to this fucking hospital and Joe's dead. It might sound crazy, but I seriously WILL kill myself. Everyone around me is dying. I love him so much. He can't die.

My mom's dead. Selena's baby was close to dying. Joe might be dead. I think it's me that's causing all these death plagues.

I circle the hospital parking lot for a space and pull into the first available space I can find.

I get out of the car, forget to lock the doors behind me and just rush through the doors of the Emergency Room.

I'm not sure what floor Joe's on. I'm not sure what room he's in. I'm not sure of anything. I just need to get to him.

My hair is dripping down my back, and my nipples are inevitably showing through the t-shirt I just yanked on. Fuck bras and underwear.

"Excuse me?" I approach a secretary sitting at a desk. I probably look a hot mess. I'm still crying.

"What can I do for you?" She stops typing on a computer an looks up.

"I... My... Um..." I sniff and wipe my face. I clear my throat. "My boyfriend came in here a few moments ago... I was just wondering if you can tell me where he's at..."

"His last name?"

"Jonas." I wipe my eyes again, but it's pointless. I just keep crying.

"First name Joseph?"

"Yes."

"He was taken to..." She clicks something on her computer. "He was taken up to the Intensive Care Unit. He would be on the second floor in room 217."

"Thank you."

"No problem, hun."

I start walking as fast as I can without running to find an elevator. I press the elevator button at least 50 times before the doors open.

I get into the elevator and forget about my phobia of elevators. I press the second floor button at least 50 more times and the doors shut.

Why is everything moving so fucking slow?

After what seems like an eternity, the doors open and I'm on the second floor.

I rush out of the elevator and nearly run down the halls to find room 217.  
215...216...217.

Dear god... When I walk into this room... Please let him be okay. Please god.

With my jaw trembling and tears flowing from my eyes, I walk into the room, deathly afraid of what I'm going to walk in to.

Nick's standing by the door next to Joe's older brother. Their younger brother is standing next to them too, the parents surrounding the bed. I can't see Joe between the doctor and his parents surrounding him.

I knock on the plexiglass softly.

When I knock, everyone turns their attention to the doorway, eyes on me.

"She's right here, honey. She's right here." Joe's mom sounds like she's comforting him by telling him that I'm here.

I walk into the room further, and that's when I can see him.

He's sitting up, eyes open and fully conscious. He has a bandaid above his eye, and bandages wrapped all around his arms. His shirt is off, and he has a bandage on his ribcage.

"DEMI!" He looks like he's going to get up from the bed and rush over to me.

Instead, I hurry over to him. I don't mean to, but I throw myself on him. He doesn't seem to mind, because he wraps his big, muscular arms around me.

"I thought you weren't gonna be okay..." I sob, my face in his neck. I'm crying so hard that my shoulders are hunching.

"I'm fine, baby. I'm fine. I'm okay..." He holds me even tighter, despite the bandages on his arms.

I can't stop crying. "You scared me... You scared me..."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm okay baby..." He keeps his arms around me and pulls me up on his body so that I'm laying completely on top of him. He kisses me on my temple repeatedly.

I just keep crying. I can't stop blubbering.

"I'm sorry..." He kisses my temple again. "I'm okay..." He lets me cry on him, all the while rubbing my back.

"You're all he was asking for. All he wanted was to know where "his Demi" was. That's all." Joe's mom says to me.

I sniff. "Really?" I finally lift my head up.

"Yeah. He kept bugging me to call you. He was all "call my Demi. Nick, call her. Tell her I didn't forget about her." Nick mimics Joe's voice.

Usually, I have more respect than to kiss Joe in front of his parents, but I can't help it right now. I kiss him softly, but with enough meaning to let him know that I really love him.

"Come on boys. Let's give them a little bit of privacy. Let's go see what the cafeteria has to eat." Joe's mom stands by the door and waves everyone out of the room.

As soon as his whole family clears out, he starts talking to me again.

"...I'm sorry baby girl. I'm sorry. I fell asleep... And when I woke up, I was late to get you... And I was rushing..."

"Why would you do that? I wouldn't have cared if you were late! You don't risk your FUCKING LIFE to make sure you're on time for me. What's wrong with you?!"

"I know, baby. I'm sorry..."

"Sorry?! Joe... You... You scared the SHIT out of me." I wipe my eyes. "I thought you were dead!"

"I'm okay, Demi. I'm okay..."

"WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T?!... I can't deal with you dying on me... Not you..."

"I'm not gonna die, babe. I'm okay..." He kisses me. "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry."

"...Don't EVER..." I take a deep breath. "I'll kill you myself if you ever pull that shit again. Joe... I... I was gonna kill myself!..."

"I'm sorry baby girl..." He kisses me again. "... Where is your bra?"

"I just got out the shower! I rushed here for your dumb ass!"

"I'm so sorry, baby girl. I love you so much."

"I fucking... I love you too." I Kiss his lips.

Thank you god.


	46. Talks

_November 6, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I'm grounded. Really, really... REALLY grounded. So grounded that I can't do ANYTHING, not even breathe. Today, I went to school, came home, ate dinner and was sent to my room._

_Yesterday, Joe got into a pretty nasty car accident. He was rushing to come pick me up because he was late. He crashed into a light pole, and his car was totaled. Without telling anyone, I took the truck and went to the hospital to go see him. That's why I'm grounded._

_Aunt Kathy wasn't going to ground me whenever I told her why I took the truck, but Uncle Jason wasn't hearing any of my excuses._

_On the up side of all this, Joe's okay. I wouldn't know what to do if he wasn't okay, mom. I thought he was going to die. But he's not dead. He's okay. He got out of the hospital today. It sucks how I can't go see him._

_Today in school, Carrison wasn't there. But it was okay, because Selena was back today. School was incredibly normal for today. I don't know if I can say the same about tomorrow._

_Since I'm grounded, I've been reading the wallflower book that Carrison gave me. It's really good, and I'm almost finished with it. I have about ten more pages to go. I'll probably finish it tonight._

_I guess I should go eat dinner and get ready for bed. Being grounded is so damn boring._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I don't even bother with locking my letter up in the box. My lockbox is way too full for any more letters.

I get up from my desk and just go downstairs. I'll probably be in bed within the next hour. Being grounded blows.

I walk into the kitchen where Aunt Kathy is. She's making dinner. Her belly is enormous now. It's not as big as it could be, but it's pretty huge.

"Hey kid. You feeling steak tonight?" She continues to sprinkle seasoning on pieces of meat.

"Steak is... Fine." I sit down on a stool.

"You tired of being grounded?" He flips a cut of steak and sprinkles the other side.

"Yes. And it's only been a day." I grab an apple out of the fruit bowl on the island and rub it in my hands.

"I'm sorry he grounded you kiddo. But the more I think of it, the more I realize that he's right about you needing to be punished..."

"It's not like I don't know what I did was wrong though. I would never do that unless it was an emergency like yesterday."

"I know you wouldn't, kid. But I can't go back on his word. We have to raise you together, and if he says you're grounded, I have to stick to it."

"Whatever. It's all bogus. You guys can punish me all you want, but when it comes down to it, you both would do the same exact thing if your boyfriend got in a wreck."

"Hey Demetria." She stops seasoning the steaks and turns around to look at me. "Drop the attitude. I'm on your side here. I'm not on his. So don't even put your attitude on me."

"...I'm sorry Aunt Kathy. I'm just so frustrated..."

"I know you are. I'd be frustrated too..."

"Like... He just came home today and I can't go see him. That's so annoying. But like... I love him, Aunt Kathy. Like what else was I going to do?"

She chuckles. "You love him? Is it love or is it puppy love?"

"See, I knew you were going to do that." I put the apple I was holding back into the fruit bowl. "I knew you weren't going to take me seriously."

"Demi, who am I to tell you if you love him or not? I think you're forgetting that your uncle and I met in our teens... We married young."

"I have to love him, Aunt Kathy. It's like... If I don't love him, then I don't know what this is. Because he seriously makes me feel like..." I hardly even realize that I'm talking to my aunt anymore. I'm just talking about Joe. "Like I'm the only one that ever mattered to him. Like no matter what happens, it'll always be us. Like I don't deserve to be loved by him. He makes me want to be a better person... And I know it's crazy... Because I'm only sixteen... But he's the only one that I'll ever want..."

"I believe you on that. I believe you. I was only seventeen when I met your uncle..."

"It's just crazy to me..." I put my head down. I probably sound like such a goof.

"...What time is it?" I hear the steaks sizzling on the portable grill.

I pop my head up and look on the stove. "It's 4:50."

"...How well can you keep a secret?"

"Pretty well..." I sigh.

"So well that if I hand you the keys... And tell you to be back by NO LATER than 8:30... You wouldn't tell your uncle on me?"

I smile huge. "I can keep that secret..." I nod.

"Go 'head then. NO LATER THAN 8:30, DEMI."

"Okay, okay, okay." I slide on a pair of converse.

"I'm serious, Demetria. If you come back ANY LATER than 8:30, I WILL ground you. And if you think your uncle is harsh, you haven't seen me angry."

"I won't, Aunt Kathy. I promise. I'll be back by 8:30." I hug her from behind, my hands resting on her swollen belly. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you!"

"You're welcome kid."

I grab the keys off the counter and almost run outside.

I get into my aunt's convertible and adjust the seat to fit my preference. Slowly, I back out of the driveway.

I really hope I surprise Joe. He's probably all sleepy and stuff, but he'll want to see me. Right?

I slow down a little bit as I near the driveway of the Jonas house. It's gonna be a little strange, because I don't ever really see Joe's parents, so I never formally met them, but I'll do anything just to see him.

I park on the street and get out of the car, locking it behind me.

I walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell just once. I wait for no longer than a minute before the door is answered for me.

Joe's mom answers it. She's gorgeous for a mom. She's short with a petite but pudgy figure. Her hair is curled and very dark brown, almost black. "Demi." She smiles warmly at me. "Nice to see you..."

"Hi, Mrs. Jonas... Is um... Is Joe.. available?" I tuck my hair behind my ear.

"He is, but he's a little out of it, honey. The doctor gave him some painkillers and they make him a little bit...loopy."

"Oh... Well... I mean... Can you just tell him that I stopped by?"

"You can go up to his room and see him, honey. He's okay for visitors... He probably really wants to see you anyway."

"Oh... Okay."

She steps aside and lets me inside the house. It's a little messier than the previous times I've been in here.

"Sorry about the mess, dear. It's been a little hectic since yesterday."

"Oh, it's fine." I slide my shoes off and go to the steps. I think I remember where Joe's room is.

"He's right upstairs in his room. Just go on in."

"Okay... Thank you." I start walking up the steps. It's quiet in here. I assume Nick, Kevin and Frankie aren't home.

I round a sharp corner and approach the only red door. I knock once then open it up.

His room is dark, like he was taking a nap. His bed is empty, but I can tell he was in it because the sheets are pulled back and messed up. On his dresser, there is a plastic mug with the hospital logo on it and a bottle of prescription pills.

"...Joe?" I call him. His room is big, but it's only but so big. There isn't many places he could be.

"I'm in the bathroom, ma." He calls back to me. He must think I'm his mom. He mustn't be expecting me.

I walk to the door of his bathroom and turn the knob. He could either be peeing, taking a crap or getting in the shower. The only one of those options that would make me uncomfortable is taking a crap, but if I love him, I gotta learn to love his shit too.

I open up the door and walk in. He's standing at the toilet, junk in his hand and peeing. Thank god he's only peeing.

"Demi? Hi baby..." He shakes his junk and puts it back in his pants. He washes his hands briefly at the sink and walks over to me. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would've cleaned myself up..." He hugs me tightly and kisses my cheek.

"Don't worry about it." I kiss his cheek and rub his back. "You need to get back in bed." I hold his hand and lead him back to his bed.

He sits down slowly on his bed. I can tell he's in some pain. I help him get into bed and I pull his covers up for him.

"Thank you baby." He says to me. He gets comfortable then looks at me. "You look nice today, baby. You come from school?"

I look down at my clothes. I have on a pair of dark blue jeans and a pink shirt with flowers on it and a lace back. My hair is out and touching my upper stomach. "Oh... Yeah. This is what I wore to school today..."

"Come lie down with me." He pulls the other side of his covers back. "Come on..."

"I can't lie down in jeans..." I just sit down on his bed.

"Take em off then."

"...Alright." I unbutton my jeans then pull them off. I'm wearing a pair of black boyshort underwear that have a pair of lips on the front. I slide down in the bed with him.

"Your ass looks good in those underwear." He chuckles and holds his arm out to me.

Careful not to bump his stitches, I lie on him while he drapes his arm across me. "Good as in..."

"Good as in... I'd tear it up if I wasn't so sore right now."

"Can't do anything this week anyway..." I run my hand across his abs.

"Why not?" He puts his hand on my hip.

"Because I got my period this morning." I hold his hand.

"Damn." He shakes his head. "You have a tampon in?"

"Clearly. You'd be able to see a pad through these underwear." I play with his fingers.

"Does it hurt to have that in?" He seems curious. This is such a cute conversation. Cute in a weird way, though.

"No... Not unless I put it in crooked or something. Then it hurts..."

"Isn't it kind of like... Having a dick in there?"

"No. I mean, it's cotton. Two totally different things here."

"But it's the same concept, right? So like... If I put my fingers or something up there crooked, would it hurt?"

"I mean... No. Not really. That's different."

"How is it different?"

"Because I don't sit down on your fingers so it's not uncomfortable or anything."

"So like... Tampons are uncomfortable?"

"It's uncomfortable having something stuck up there all the time. But it doesn't hurt..."

"What if... I could fuck you all day? Like while you're on your period, just be your tampon the whole time."

I start to laugh. "That's so weird!" I laugh a little harder. "You'd have to be like... With me all day for a whole week. You'd have to carry me around and stuff."

"You act like that's a punishment." He laughs too. "Me just being stuck inside you all day... That's great!"

"Okay, but that's just weird! It won't be like sex... I'd be bleeding all day!"

"That's the only downfall..." He sighs like he's disappointed.

"You're so weird!" I shake my head. I love having strange conversations with him.

"Some people actually do have sex while the girl is on their period. I had a friend that wouldn't have sex unless the girl was on it. Ain't that sick?"

"That's disgusting!"

"Yeah, we're not friends anymore. He's was gross." He laughs softly at the memory. "...What's it like being on it?"

"It sucks. Like... Imagine bleeding from your penis all day. Just imagine that."

"Does it hurt at all?"

"No. Not unless you have cramps..."

"Do you have cramps?"

"A little bit..."

"Where do cramps hurt at?"

"Like... Right here." I point to right below my stomach, beside my hip where I assume my ovaries are. "And sometimes in my back."

He takes his hands and starts rubbing my body in the places I told him where I get cramps. "Does that feel good?" He's rubbing right above my crotch.

"Mhm." It feels very good. It's taking the barely there pain of my cramps away. I close my eyes. "...What's the worst pain a boy can have?"

"Kidney stones, I guess." He keeps rubbing me. "Oh, no. Wait... Blue balls. Blue balls hurts like shit."

"...What's blue balls?"

"It's like... When like... Okay say... Say you're having sex with someone and you don't get to cum. That's blue balls."

"It hurts?"

"Like a BITCH."

"You've had it?"

"Once."

"With who?"

"...You."

"WHEN?! I never gave you blue balls!"

"Yes you did... That night in the hot tub. When you were giving me a handjob and I tried to finger you..."

"I gave you blue balls?! I didn't... I'm sorry!"

"It's alright babe. I'm not mad at you. I still love you. I was in so much pain though. I didn't want to tell you about it..."

"I'm sorry... You shoulda told me." I kiss him on his lips. "I'll never give you blue balls again..."

"Don't be sorry beautiful. Don't be sorry." He kisses my cheek and holds me around my waist. "Demi nothing you do can ever make me really angry with you. Nothing."

"...I love you."

"I love you too. You're my baby. My baby girl."

I smile. "I like the sound of that." I move my hair out of my face.

"Your hair is beautiful, love." He strokes my hair.

"It needs cut..."

"I can only imagine the kind of hair our daughter is gonna have..."

"...Our daughter?"

"Mhm. Our daughter. We're gonna have a baby someday. And she's gonna be beautiful."

"You really think we're gonna get married?"

"Yes. I do. Because I know when I have a good thing. And I'm never letting you go. Never. I think that when love finds you, it's real. And when you find your soulmate, you've found your soulmate. I don't see myself falling out of love with you. I don't see it happening."

"I hope you're right..."

"I know I'm right." He starts kissing my cheek again.

Maybe I'm just a little naive sixteen year old, but seriously...

Marrying Joe sounds good to me.


	47. Change

"Did you like the book?" Carrison sits across from me with his hands folded, interested in what I have to say.

"I loved it... I... I really relate."

"I knew you would." He gets up from the desk and grabs his lunch from his closet. "Why aren't you eating today?"

"They didn't have anything good." I continue to draw the picture I'm drawing in my English notebook. I'm drawing a dreamcatcher.

"Are you hungry? I have a subway hoagie, if you'd like it."

"What's on it?" I put down my pencil and grab an orange colored pencil.

"Turkey, lettuce, onions, mayo..." He sits back down and pushes the hoagie next to me.

"...You remembered that I like turkey..." I smile at him.

"You told me you like turkey. I like turkey. I just figured if you weren't gonna eat it, I'd just eat both halves." He hands me a can of Pepsi.

"...Why are you so nice to me?" I unravel the sandwich and take a bite into it.

"I like you, Demi." He opens up a bag of chips. "I know in this day and age, a teacher can't have a good relationship with a student without it meaning something different." He offers me some Doritos.

I take a handful.

"But I like you. I think you're a good kid. And I just want you to be okay, you know? Don't think I'm one of those creepy pedophile teachers, because I'm not. I just think of you as a daughter to me. An adoptive daughter."

"Oh..." I chew a Dorito and keep coloring in the sky around my dreamcatcher.

"So what's up with Selena? Is she sick?" He takes a bite of his sandwich and starts grading a paper.

"Pregnant." I mutter. I rub the blue part of the sky to make it blend with the orange sunset.

"To Nick?"

"Mhm."

"She's such a bright girl. What is she doing?"

"It was an accident, I guess. But they were doing it like five times a day, I don't know how accidental it actually was..."

"You kids are just lucky these days. It's a shame that me and Emily have been trying for years and it just happens with you guys..."

"I know... I just can't understand why she'd put herself in that situation..."

"...You're very smart, Demi. Very."

"Thanks... I try."

"So how are you doing? With everything?"

"...You mean like... With the Cody thing?"

"With everything." He starts cleaning up our mess.

"Pretty okay. My aunt got me this therapist, but I haven't talked to it yet."

"It's a good step, eh?" He throws everything away. "Do you like cheesecake?"

"Yes."

"Split this slice with me." He unwraps a huge slice of cheesecake.

"Did you get this from the Cheesecake Factory?" I take a fork and cut it evenly for us.

"No. Em made it. She owns a catering business, you know." He pushes my half towards me.

"No way... I didn't know that..." I take a bite. It's delicious. Absolutely delicious.

"Yeah. She'd like to meet you, Demi. I tell her all about you. She said you seem like a cool kid."

I smile a little. "Yeah?"

"Yep. I tell her all about you. I think you'd like her."

"Sounds like I'll have to meet her someday..." I clean up my cheesecake mess.

"Sounds like it." He looks down at my notebook. "... Do you have more drawings?"

"At home.. In my sketchbook... Why?"

"You're a brilliant little artist... You're very talented." He picks up my notebook and stares at the dreamcatcher.

"I'm not that good... But I would like to be... I think I want to go to art school."

"This is a beautiful picture, Demi."

The bell rings for lunch to be over. I have to go off to my next class.

I gather up all my stuff. "Thanks, Mr. Carrison... Thanks."

"Anytime, Demi. You're very welcome."

I walk out the door and speed off in the direction of my next class.

I don't pray that much anymore, but I think I might start praying for Carrison and Emily to have a baby.

Carrison is a good person. And good people deserve to be happy.

* * *

"I don't care what you want, Demi. You're getting a haircut. You look disgusting." Ever since I got home from school, that's all my aunt's been bitching at me about. Now, we're in the car and she's dragging me to the hair saloon.

"I wouldn't even care if you would've told me! I can't just come home one day and you're all 'hey Demi you're getting your hair chopped off!' It doesn't work that way KATHERINE."

"Well DEMETRIA. You're not going to live with me and look disgusting. Your hair is disgusting. Your ends are split. You're getting a trim. Now shut up about it."

"Whatever." I cross my arms over my chest.

"Why is getting a haircut such a big deal to you?!"

"Joe likes my hair long!"

"Oh... SPARE ME." She rolls her eyes and turns into the parking lot of Hollywood Hair. "Let's go, Demi."

"You and Uncle Jason... I swear."

I roll my eyes and get out of the car, annoyed.

"You'll thank me later. You were all for getting a cut before Joe said he likes your long hair."

"Whatever. I'm not getting anything too drastic. Just a trim."

Aunt Kathy opens the door up and we both walk into the hair saloon. I sit down in the waiting area while she signs us in for our appointment.

It's pretty empty in here at the moment. I guess nobody comes down here in the middle of the week.

The same blonde woman that cut and colored my hair for school walks over to the edge of the waiting area. "Demetria, I'll take you back." She says all cheerfully.

I sigh and glare at Aunt Kathy. She gives me a sarcastic smile. I'm half tempted to flick her off.

I follow the blonde girl back to her purple chair. "So your aunt wants you to get a cut?"

I plop down in the chair. "A trim."

"Okie dokie. You just want a trim? You want a color too?"

"...No... Not really. Just a trim."

"Just a trim, okay." She taps a pedal on the chair and raises me up slowly. "So how's school?"

"...Fine. Boring..."

"I bet." She starts combing through my hair. "Your hair grew a lot since the last time I saw you. Your color is all fading out..."

"It's fading?"

"Very much so." She parts my hair.

"I... I guess we can do a color then."

"You want a color? Okay. You have a color in mind?"

"No..."

"Here. Just look through my book. Pick out a color and I'll go mix it for you." She hands me a catalog.

I flip through it. I don't have a specific color in mind, but maybe a change would be nice. I flip past the blondes. Blonde wouldn't look right on me. I flip past the reds. Red would be ugly too. I stop at the browns. "How about this?" I point to a super dark brown. It's almost black.

"...I think you should go black."

"Black?"

"Yeah. People usually go darker in the colder months and lighter in the summer. I think black would look pretty on you."

"... I'll go black then."

"You have a pretty skin tone. Black would compliment the pretty beauty mark on your face, too."

"Okay. Black it is."

I wonder what Joe's gonna say about it...

I hope he'll like it.


	48. Bad Feeling Again

"I really, really like that color on you." Aunt Kathy tells me for the millionth time since we got out of the saloon. I don't even say thank you this time. I'm tired of telling her thanks.

"Do you need help with dinner?" I ask instead of saying thanks.

"No, I don't need help. But it's gonna be a late one. You should go take a bath and get in your pajamas." She runs her fingers through my hair.

I sit down to drink a can of Pepsi before I head upstairs. She keeps playing with my hair. "Why do you keep playing with my hair?"

"I love your hair, Demi. It's gorgeous. I can't help it." She parts it into three sections. "Can I put a braid in it?"

"Yeah... I don't care." I sip my Pepsi.

She starts weaving a French braid into my hair like my mom used to. "Is this how your mom used to do it?"

I nod. I really miss my mom all of a sudden.

"You know, Demi..." She puts a hair tie on the end of my braid. "It wouldn't hurt to have some of your mother's touch around here. I've been thinking about her a lot lately..."

"Yeah? Me too." I look down and tap my fingers. I feel the tears coming.

"You know how she used to make vegetable pizza for dinner? And her famous banana bread?"

I smile slightly as a tear trickles down my cheek. I nod. "And she never put walnuts in my half of the loaf... Because she knew I hate nuts."

"That's right." Aunt Kathy smiles and nods too. "It's alright to smile and remember her sometimes, Demi."

"...No it's not." I shake my head. I sweep away my tears. "It's not okay."

"Demi, yes it is... It's okay. She'd want you to remember her..." She wipes my tears with her thumbs and holds me.

I sniff. "Fine... I guess..."

"It's alright, Demi." She rubs my arm. "Why don't you go on and take a shower?"

I get off the stool and head upstairs. I haven't thought about my mom in a long time. Funny how something can make me so sad within a matter of a couple seconds.

"Oh, Demi?" Aunt Kathy calls me again.

I stop in my tracks and look back at her. "Hmm?"

"If you want some... I planned on making your mom's banana bread tomorrow. Would you like that?"

"...Yeah." Quietly, I turn and walk back towards the steps.

I open up the door to my room and find Jorge laying at the foot of my bed. He's asleep. I just let him go.

I sit down at my desk and open up the bottom drawer. I grab a single piece of white lined paper, and I grab my mechanical pencil.

I start to write:

_November 7, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I guess today was okay. Selena wasn't in school again, so I ate lunch with Carrison. He told me that his wife really wants to meet me, which I find nice. I wish Carrison wasn't my math teacher. I wish math was my best subject. I guess I just have to suck it up anyway._

_After school today, Aunt Kathy made me go get a haircut. I figured it was time for a change, so I got it dyed too. It's black now. I'm not too sure if I like it yet._

_I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me if you like it or not. I think I like it. It's a little darker than I'm used to._

_Dallas called me today. She wanted to see how I was doing. I told her I was doing okay, and that Aunt Kathy got me a therapist. She started crying when I told her that. I don't know why, but she seemed really sad._

_She also said that she was gonna send me something else in the mail later on this week. She won't tell me what it is._

_Again, I'm getting the feeling that something bad is gonna happen. It's starting to scare me, because I'm usually right when I get these feelings. The last time I got this feeling, I got raped. The feeling isn't exactly as bad as it was the time I got raped, but it's still there. There enough that I notice._

_In other news, Aunt Kathy is going to make your banana bread tomorrow. She said we could use your touch around here, and maybe she's right._

_I just hope she gets the recipe right._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I get up from my desk and go immediately to my bathroom. I need to take a shower.

I start my water and undress while it runs. I take off my shirt and stare at myself in the body mirror. The cuts on my stomach are mere scabs now. They're pretty hard to notice. I take off my bra and my shorts too. And finally, I take off my underwear. I double-check my underwear to be sure. They're clean. My period is definitely gone.

I roll my clothes up and stick them in my hamper. I step into the shower. My hair is in a bun at the top of my head, because I don't want the color to run out of my hair.

I hurry and wash up, because I don't want my dinner to get cold downstairs.

I wash myself throughly and get out. I look at myself in my mirror. I actually do look nice with black hair. It's a nice change for me, but it's not too dramatic.

"DEMI! COME DOWNSTAIRS!" My aunt hollers up the steps.

"I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!" I yell back and go into my room to dry off and get dressed.

I towel-dry my body and pull on a fresh pair of underwear and a new bra.

"YOU HAVE COMPANY, HURRY UP!" She continues to yell at me.

I have company? Since when?

I throw on a t-shirt from my old school and a pair of black shorts. Nobody told me that they were coming to visit...

I grab my cell phone and run down the steps. I'm not at all surprised at who's here to visit me.

Sitting on my couch is Joe, right next to him is Selena, and Nick is beside her. Why'd they come visit me?

"...Hey guys..." I say, a little out of breath. They're taking up all the room on the couch, I have no where to sit.

"Hey Dems." Nick says with a slight wave.

"...Your hair!" Selena squeals and Joe looks up immediately from his phone.

"What did you do?" Selena stands up and starts combing her fingers through my hair. "It's so dark... Oh my god, I love it..."

"I got it cut and stuff..." I sit down on Joe's lap. "I don't know if I like it... I think it's too dark... I'm still debating."

"I love it. It's so pretty." She keeps on playing with it.

"It looks real pretty, babe." Joe holds my hand and bounces his knee. "I love it..."

"Thanks..." I look down and tuck my hair behind my ear. "So are you guys staying for dinner?"

"No, me and Nick aren't. We have to go to bed early, because I have an appointment early tomorrow morning..."

"Oh. Well you can always come over tomorrow or something." I suggest. I just miss spending a lot of time with Selena.

"Yeah, I will. We can like... Chill and stuff..." She nods. "I'm just real busy with baby stuff, you know?"

"Yeah. Just come over tomorrow, since it's the weekend. We can order movies..."

"Sounds good." She stands up. "I have something to tell you too..."

"Oh? Okay..." I stand up. "Come on, let's go outside..."

"Alright, come on Nick... We gotta get ready to go..." Selena says. She seems a little standoffish towards me.

"I'll be right back, babe." I tell Joe. I follow Selena outside onto my porch and Nick comes with us.

"So... What do you have to tell me?"

"I... I won't be back in school anymore. I... Transferred to an alternative school. It's basically like homeschool, but I have to go to this building once a week to learn how to take care of a baby..."

"...Oh." I feel like I've just been punched in my gut. I'm hurt. In the most literal sense, I'm hurt. Now what am I gonna do in school?

"And Nick's transferring with me..." She adds insult to injury.

"...That's... Nice."

"Yeah. I just wanted to tell you, because... I know you don't really sit with anyone else..." She seems really sorry, but I can tell that her mind is made up.

"Yeah..."

"...We'll talk more tomorrow. I promise I'll come over and we can just hang out."

"Okay."

She leans in and hugs me tight. "See you tomorrow... Love you."

"Love you too." I mumble and hug her back. This blows. Now what am I supposed to do?

"Alright. Come on, Nick. We gotta go." She lets me go.

I don't want to seem rude, but I really have to go before I start crying. So I grab the handle of my front door and walk back inside. The only thing that's willing me not to cry is the fact that Joe is here.

"They tell you about school?" Joe asks immediately. He reads me like a book. I really tried to hide it, but I just couldn't.

"Mhm..."

He hugs me tight and pushes me against the wall in the hallway. "It's gonna be alright, baby." He kisses me on my nose.

"I know... It's just... They're my friends... You know?"

"I know, baby." He holds my hands and kisses my cheek again.

I sigh and look down. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

"...I bought something to cheer you up..."

"You did?" I look up at him.

"Mhm..." He reaches in his pocket and grabs something. He dangles a shiny foil packet in front of my face.

I smile a little, slightly and softly. "When are we gonna use that?"

"Whenever you want to." He kisses my cheek again. "It'll make you feel better."

"...My uncle's not home... So maybe we can sneak it in after dinner, while my aunt is cleaning up the kitchen."

"If not, I can always come back later. It's Friday, you don't have school tomorrow."

"...That could work." I kiss him again. "I love you."

"I love you too baby."

"...I just feel like you're the only one that cares anymore." I lie on his chest and hug him tighter.

"I'll always care about you. Always." He rubs my lower back and kisses my forehead. "Don't worry..."

I sigh. "Love you..."

"Love you too." He strokes my cheek.

"Demi, it's dinner time! Come eat! Bring Joe..." Aunt Kathy interrupts our moment.

I guess I'll be okay.

I still don't know what in going to do just yet.


	49. Vows

Joe said he'd be back over later to cheer me up. He didn't give me a specific time, so I have to stay up and wait for him.

It's already 12:10 at night. Luckily, I'm not tired or anything, so waiting for him isn't a big deal. We couldn't do anything earlier, because my uncle came home while we were eating dinner. It would've been easier to do something when only my aunt was in the house.

So, to pass the time until Joe comes back, I draw a picture in my sketchbook. It's a picture of my favorite tree. I think it's called a weeping willow.

I glance over and look at the present that Joe gave me earlier. It's sitting on my dresser in a small, shiny, silver and purple package. I smirk just thinking about it. It's been so long since I've had sex.

I add a couple more leaves onto my willow tree and draw some water near the bottom of it. I don't mean to brag, but the more I draw, the more I amaze myself at how good I am at it.

My phone buzzes next to me. I reach over and grab it. It's a text message. I open it up and read it.

Joe: I'm outside come let me in.

I get up from my bed and quietly put all my things away. I would stay in my room, but that would run the risk of my aunt and uncle hearing us. I grab the condom off my dresser and open my bedroom door. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason are already asleep. If I wake them while sneaking Joe in the house, it'll be all bad.

I tiptoe downstairs and open the front door for him. He's dressed in plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt. "Hey baby..." He hugs me immediately.

I hug him back. "We have to be quiet..."

"Are we gonna go up to your room?" He shuts the door behind himself and keeps holding me.

"No... We have to stay down here..."

"But Demi, you know how easy that is for them to catch us down here?"

"But they'll hear us in my room..."

"I'll keep you quiet... I promise."

"...Okay."

We both disappear up into my room.

He sits next to me on my bed and flips through my sketchbook. "You're such an amazing little drawer, babe."

"Thank you..." I lean back against my headboard.

He leans in and kisses me. "I love you."

"Love you too." I sigh. "You're my best friend..."

"That's awesome babe, because you're my best friend too." He holds my hand and lays back with me. He rubs my back.

"...I wish you could come to school with me..."

"I would do high school all over again if I could make sure you didn't feel lonely. I really would, babe." He kisses my cheek. "I'm sorry you have to do through it..."

"...I just wanna know why they decided to transfer. Why are they leaving me?"

"Because it's better for them, babe. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it. It's seven hours a day that you have to be lonely. Then you can just be with me. Yeah?"

"...I guess. But it's gonna be so bad. People already don't like me..."

"Baby, you're beautiful, you're skinny, you're sexy and you have the most amazing personality. If I were a girl, I'd be jealous of you too."

"I just want people to like me though..."

"...How about this. I will pick you up from school everyday. And we will go out for ice cream and stuff right after school. Everyday. Would that make you feel better?"

"...Yes."

"I promise I won't let it be that bad."

"...Okay. I love you..."

"Everyday. I promise I won't break my promise." He kisses my hand.

"...Okay." I smile at him and kiss him.

"When do you want to do this?"

"...Later. My door is locked, so we can do it later... We have all night." I lay on his chest and look up at him.

"Okay baby girl." He strokes my back. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Um..." I clear my throat. "I know we're not getting married anytime soon... But... If we were... What would your vows sound like?"

"My vows?... What would yours?" He looks down at me too, stroking my hair.

"...I think they'd be something like..." I clear my throat again. "I love you more than words can express. And... Even though... We just met... I know that I love you. And you love me. And as crazy as it seems... I know you're what I want for the rest of my life. I have only seen myself with one other person, and even then love didn't seem so clear. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I'm only sixteen, but I can make decisions for myself. And I've made the decision to be with you."

"...That was perfect, baby." He kisses my lips. "Absolutely perfect."

I smile. "Thank you..." I kiss him one last time. "What would yours sound like?"

"It's hard to say right now. I'll try..." He holds my hand. "Demi... I love you. And I know I've been telling you that for the longest time, but I need you to know that I mean it. I mean it with every syllable I say. And you deserve to be happy. I will make you happy. For the rest of your life, I will make you happy. You'll never cry sad tears with me. I will be there for you no matter what. Forever isn't even long enough for me. I want to be with you until the end of time. I want to be there with you through everything. From your high school graduation to your art school graduation. From our baby's birth, to our baby's high school and college graduation. From the time you find out your dying, until your last breath. I... Will... Never... Leave you. Ever. When I say I love you... I mean it for life. For LIFE, babe. For life." He kisses my lips. "They'd be something like that."

I smile at him through some tears. "...That was perfect."

"I've been thinking about it for a little while now." He strokes my hands.

"You have?"

"Mhm. I already decided that I will marry you when you turn eighteen... If you're ready."

"Oh, I'll be ready." I lie on his chest and rub his abs.

"I'm glad to hear that."

* * *

_November 8, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I've been spending so much time with Joe. I've been spending too much time with Joe._

_For the past two days, he's sat with all of us and eaten dinner with us. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason really don't mind it. They like Joe. _

_Yesterday, he had dinner with us and we watched TV for a few hours before he went back home. He came back last night and we talked an had sex. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I really, really, REALLY love Joe._

_Today, he ate dinner with us again and watched TV again. He helped Uncle Jason put the new motor in my car. _

_ Aunt Kathy told me that she really likes Joe, and that he's a good kid. She said she hopes we don't break up or anything, and I hope we won't either. _

_Aunt Kathy also bought me two boxes of Trojan condoms. I didn't ask for her to buy me them, she just did. I asked her why she bought them, and she said she wants me to remain protected. Uncle Jason and her argued about giving them to me, but ultimately, Aunt Kathy won. She figures that she can't stop us from having sex, so she might as well make sure I'm protected._

_I think Joe's been hanging around me so much because he's afraid for me. He admitted to me that he's scared that I'm going to do something to myself because Nick and Selena left me in school alone. _

_I can't lie and say that I haven't considered cutting again, and I'd be lying if I said that I haven't cut. I only cut once yesterday after Selena told me she was transferring. Joe found the lone cut on my stomach and kissed it before we started having sex last night._

_I have to go to bed now, because tomorrow's a school day. The only thing I'm currently looking forward to is thanksgiving break. _

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._


	50. First Visit

"What can I get you?" The black haired lunch lady asks me as she grabs a plastic lunch tray.

"...Pasta." I nearly mumble. This school day without Nick and Selena is going poorly. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

The lunch lady scoops some spaghetti on my tray and gives me a handful of tater tots. I grab my tray and keep walking through the line. I grab a banana and an iced tea. I have to remember to tell Aunt Kathy that my lunch bill is due.

I walk over and sit in the same table that me, Nick and Selena used to sit in. I sit alone.

I grab a tater tot and put it in my mouth. Lunch is good today. I look around at all the other kids eating lunch with their friends. Essentially, I'm the only one that is eating alone. I should've brought my sketch pad.

While I'm staring down at my food, something hits me on my arm. I look up to see what it was. Beside me, there's a tater tot lying, half bitten.

How doesn't anyone see this? I don't understand it.

I look around to see who threw it. I don't see anyone that looks suspicious. I put my head back down and pick through my pasta.

Something else is thrown at me. It hits me right on my cheek. I don't even look up to see who threw it. It doesn't matter anymore. I sigh and rummage through my big bag and grab a book. I guess I'll just read or whatever.

I would give anything to not have to sit here with people that hate me.

I stand up, mainly because I'm sick of having shit thrown at me. I dump my tray in the garbage and gather my things. I'll go see what Carrison is doing.

I walk out the cafeteria and down the hall to his room. I peek in to see if he's there.

He's sitting at his desk eating lunch and grading papers. There's soft music playing from his computer.

I tap lightly on the door to get his attention. He looks up.

"Come on." He motions for me to come in and continues to grade papers.

I walk in and sit in the desk next to his desk. "Grading our tests?"

"Yeah, actually. You got a C."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Your grade's slipping a little. What's going on?" He offers me a breadstick from a Pizza Hut box.

I take one and bite it. "I don't know... Just a lot of... Shit going on..."

"I have a lot of shit going on too, Demi. I don't let my job be affected by it."

I shrug. "It's not just your class..."

"Your grades are slipping in every class?"

"Mhm..."

"I'll talk to a couple of your teachers about giving you extra help. Your grades are precious right now, girl. You're a very bright kid."

"I hear that every day. I dunno... I'll just... Try." I sigh. "It's kind of hard to concentrate in classes if the majority of the people hate you."

"Nobody hates you, Demi."

"Yeah they do. They really hate me. They give me looks and throw things at me..."

"You gotta learn to shrug it off. They're just jealous of you."

"Jealous of me? Why?"

"Well, let me guess. One of the ones who hate you is Amanda, right?"

"Right."

"Why WOULDN'T Amanda hate you? You're pretty. You're skinny. You get good grades. You have nice things... Why wouldn't she be jealous?"

"...I never thought of it that way..."

"You gotta start looking at reasons behind things. Everything has a reason, Demi. Everything." He hands me an Almond Joy.

I open it and take a bite. "...Okay." I swing my foot and actually listen to the music he has playing. "...You listen to Michael Buble?"

"My wife loves him. You a fan?"

"I love him. Me and my sister went to one of his concerts... He came with Nickelback and um... You know Shinedown?"

"Yeah, I know Shinedown."

"My mom hated them. She thought they were noisy, but I love them. Their songs are noisy, but the lyrics are just... Amazing. I wish I could write songs like that..."

"You write songs?"

"...Yeah, but they kind of... suck. And I can't sing."

"Can I hear one of the ones you wrote?" He starts cleaning up his lunch.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't sing. And they all suck. They're all depressing. About my mom and stuff..."

"I still would like to hear it... Something tells me the songs aren't that bad."

I sigh. "I'll sing you ONE. And just the chorus. As long as you promise not to laugh..."

"I won't laugh, Demi. You know I won't."

"Okay..." I take a deep breath. I'll sing him the first song I wrote, because it's the least embarrassing.

"...The bluest eyes in Texas are holding me tonight... Like the stars that fill the midnight sky, your memory fills my mind... When did I go wrong? Didn't wait too long... But can I make it all right?"

Carrison doesn't say anything. He just listens to me. The look on his face doesn't give anything away.

"...That's all." I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans.

"...I actually think that was beautiful. The song and your voice. Are you a singer?"

"No. My mom was..."

"Did your mom have blue eyes?"

"Yeah... They were dark blue. But they were so pretty..." The corners of my eyes sting. "If you looked at them in the right light, they sparkled so bright... I thought they were the most beautiful things..." Two tears stream from my eyes. Two soft tears.

He hands me a tissue. "It's alright, Demi."

"Thank you." I dry my eyes.

"It'll be alright." He gives me a hug. It feels good to be hugged and comforted.

"Thank you, Mr. Carrison... Thank you." I sniff and let him go. The bell rings for me to go to class.

I'm just glad I have Carrison to save me. Even if it only is for 45 measly minutes.

* * *

_November 9, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today was the first time in a long time that I cried about you. Carrison made me cry._

_He asked me to sing a song I wrote about you and I did. He told me I could sing good, but I don't think I did that well. I still don't think I can sing._

_School without Nick and Selena was pretty bad. People threw things at me during lunch time. I tried to not let it bother me, but in the end it did bother me._

_I really miss you, mom._

_Joe picked me up after school today. He said I looked bad. He told me to take a nap. So I went home and I took a nap. Joe worries about me. He worries about me a lot._

_Maybe he should._

_I'm not going to school tomorrow, because it's the first time I have to talk to the therapist. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. But mostly ready to get it over with._

_I'll let you know how it goes._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_November 10, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_The visit with the therapist went well. I'll be seeing her every Tuesday. Her name is Wendy. She's short, very round but she has longish hair and glasses. She's facially pretty. _

_I had to tell her about everything today. I told her about you. About Dallas. About Maddie. About daddy. I told her about the rape. I told her about Joe. About Nick and about Selena. _

_She didn't really give me advice today, because we spent the entire hour session getting to know each other. I think I really like her._

_I just got back from the therapy office, and I decided to write to you while everything is fresh in my head._

_I can't really write about it too much, because Joe's coming over in a minute. I told him I have the house to myself until 3._

_Uncle Jason had to go to this conference to confirm his retirement, and Aunt Kathy went with him. She was going to take me in to school after the therapist appointment considering the fact that I was done by 10:00. But I begged her to let me stay home and she was fine with it._

_I'm just glad that me and the therapist hit it off._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I leave my letter lying there and stand up to undress. I want to take a quick shower before Joe comes, because I'm not sure if we're going to have sex or not. We probably won't, but I'm not sure.

I take off my bra and my underwear and go to my bathroom. As soon as I'm butt naked, Jorge starts barking. Dammit, Joe got here fast.

I grab a towel and wrap it around my body. I rush downstairs to open the door for him. I open up the door and he's just standing there.

"...Sorry. You caught me at a bad time."

"Bad time? I think it's a good time." He smiles at me and comes in the house, closing the door behind him. "Give me a kiss." He wraps his arms around my waist.

I stand on my tip toes and give him a kiss on the lips. "Love you."

"Love you too, baby girl." He rubs my back. "You need to take a shower?"

"Yeah, I do. You can just sit here. I won't be long. I'll go in the downstairs bathroom."

"Do you... Mind if I join you?" He smirks and stares at my towel.

"...In the shower?"

"Yeah..."

"...No. I don't mind..." I smile too. I've never taken a shower with someone before.

I hold my towel up and go to the downstairs bathroom. He follows me. I start the shower water. I make sure it's really hot, but not too hot.

I grab two towels and two washrags from the cupboard. I grab a new bar of soap and drop my towel.

Joe's still undressing.

I step into the shower and let the water hit me. It's so hot that it's too steamy in the shower to see anything. The sliding glass shower door is all fogged up.

Joe opens the door and steps in with me. He hugs me from behind and kisses my cheek. "Why'd you make it so hot in here?"

"I don't know..." I shrug and hold his hands.

"How did the therapist visit go?" He starts rubbing his hands all over my body.

"It went well..." I scoot back so that our bodies are tight against each other. He keeps rubbing all over my sides and my stomach.

"I'm glad to hear that..." He kisses my cheek again and brings his left hand up to my boobs. His right hand is resting on my lower stomach.

I grab his hand off my boobs and bring it up to my lips so I can kiss it. "I love you..."

"I love you too..." He grabs me and picks me up. He turns me so that my back is against the shower wall. He starts kissing my neck.

I close my eyes and wrap my legs around his waist. I rub his head while he kisses me.

"I love you..." He whispers to me again, taking a break from kissing my neck.

"Mmm... I love you too..." He's distracting me with the kisses on my neck, but not distracting me enough to take the focus off what his hand is doing below.

"You love me too?" He whispers, still kissing my neck and fingering me.

"Mmm... Yes... So much..." I rub his head some more.

I do love Joe.

And I love the steamy shower sex, too.


	51. Uh Oh

_November 13, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Everything seems kind of... wrong right now. I feel like I should be doing better, but I'm not._

_I don't know if this therapist thing is working out. I've talked to her twice now, and I still don't feel like it's helping. Maybe I'm just expecting results way too soon._

_I haven't talked to Selena or Nick at all this week. I guess they're both busy with their new school and stuff._

_On the up side of all this, I've been spending a boatload more time with Joe. I'm not expecting any more Disney World trips, but it's nice just being with him anyway._

_It's pretty pathetic to say it, but the only best friend I have in school anymore is my teacher. Mr. Carrison does everything for me. He lets me stay in the room with him during lunch. And we just talk. _

_Today is Friday, so I don't have school tomorrow. Joe invited me to dinner with his family. I think Nick and Selena will be there, so maybe I'll get to see them. _

_I'm a little nervous, because I've never actually met Joe's whole family before. I've met his mom. I've met Nick. I haven't formally met his other brothers or his dad. I just hope they like me. I'm likable, right?_

_I'll let you know how dinner goes. I love you._

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I stuff the letter into my very full lockbox and fight to close it up. I really need to get a bigger lockbox.

I get up from my chair, grab Jorge off my bed and head downstairs. Aunt Kathy isn't home, which only leaves me and Uncle Jason in the house.

I go into the living room and sit down on the couch next to him. He's busy playing some kind of football game on his playstation. Joe has this game too.

"What's up, punk?" He doesn't take his eyes off the TV screen.

I decide to watch him, because I have nothing else better to do. "Nothing..." I cross my legs on the couch.

"What time are you going with your boyfriend?"

"Whenever he calls me. He didn't give me a specific time."

"You're just going to dinner, right?"

"As far as I know, yeah. That's all he's told me."

"Alrighty. Shouldn't you go get dressed or something?" He pauses his game and takes a sip of beer.

"I guess..." I sigh. I stare at the beer can. It's grey with white mountains. Coors Light, I think.

"...You want a sip?" He offers me.

"...No. I don't drink... Anymore." I refuse and shake my head.

"It's beer, punk. It's not gonna get you drunk." He hands me the can.

I sip it. I don't like the taste of beer. It tastes terrible.

"Don't tell your aunt I let you drink. She's been all... You know lately." He takes the can back off me.

"Overprotective?" I guess the word he was looking for.

"In a way, yeah... She's been overprotective."

I chuckle, though nothing is truly funny. "I'm gonna go get dressed."

"Alright..."

I stand up from the couch and head back upstairs. It's the first time I've ever formally met Joe's whole family, so I want to look nice and make a good impression.

I don't need to shower, because I showered as soon as I came home from school.

I look in my closet for something decent to wear. I'm not sure if I should overdress or underdress. I grab a plain black pencil skirt from my closet and a long-sleeved brown shirt. I don't really think it's overdressed or underdressed. I think it's classy.

I slide on the pencil skirt and look at myself in my body mirror. The outline of my underwear is extremely prominent.

I lift the skirt up and take my underwear off. I go to my drawer and find a thong and slide it on.

Suddenly, on my dresser, my phone rings. It's probably Joe.

I lay shirtless across my bed and answer my phone. "Hello?"

"Are you ready, babe?"

"Yeah. I'm ready. Where are we going?"

"I don't know. My dad likes this real expensive place in Port Orange, so we'll probably go there."

"Okay... How long until you're here?"

"About... Ten minutes. We'll be over to get you."

"Okay. See you."

"Love you baby."

"Love you too... Bye."

We both hang up and I continue to get dressed. My newly black hair falls straight to my boobs when it's straight. I think straight is my best look, so I keep it straight.

I put on a pair of mini heels and grab my phone and a stick of gum. I think I look more like I'm going to a job interview than to dinner with my boyfriend's family.

I go back downstairs with my uncle until Joe's family gets here.

"Why do you look so nice, punk? You look pretty."

"Thanks..." I chomp on my gum. "I've never really met his family before, so I'm trying to... You know... Impress them."

"You're gorgeous, punk. And your hair is getting long."

"I just got it cut..."

"Really? Must've grew out again or something..." He reaches in his pocket and grabs his wallet. "Here. Take some money. You never know what might happen." He hands me a crisp $50 bill.

"Thanks..." I take it and shove it in the left cup of my bra.

"Wow, Demi. That's an old people move. Old people do that shit."

I laugh. "What? Put money in their bra?"

"Yeah. Take your purse or something. Don't stick the money in your bra. Old women do that."

"...I should probably take my purse anyway. I might need aspirin... Or something."

"Are you on your monthly?"

"No! No... No... Nope." I shake my head. "No." It's so insanely easy to talk to my uncle about these things.

"I'm just askin, kid. I'm just askin." He throws up his hands like he's innocent.

"You're so weird." I shake my head.

"Hey, kid. I live in a house with sensitive females. I have the right to be a little weird."

Outside, I hear a horn honk.

"That's my ride. Gotta go..." I spring up off the couch and grab my purse off the end table in the hallway. "Bye Uncle Jay. Tell Aunt Kath I said hi when she gets home."

"Alright, punk. I'll see you. Have fun."

I sling my purse up on my shoulder and shut the front door behind me. Instead of Joe's usual little truck he usually drives, outside to pick me up is a large white Durango truck in the driveway.

Mindful of my skirt, I walk like a lady to the car. Joe's dad, I assume is in the driver's seat. His mom is in the passenger's seat. From what I can see through the tinted windows, the backseat is completely full.

I open up a door to the backseat and step carefully into the car. Ultimately, I'm sitting beside Joe.

"Hey babe." He smiles at me like I'm the center of his universe.

"Hey..." I look down, blushing.

"Joseph, introduce her to everyone." Joe's mom says from the front seat. Her voice is very soft and very pretty. It matches the way she looks.

"Demi, this is my mom, Denise. My dad, Paul. My brother, Kevin... You know Nick. You know Selena..."

I look back. In the back of us, there are two more rows of seats. I didn't even see Nick and Selena sitting in the back.

"This is Kevin's girlfriend, Danielle, and my other brother, Frankie." Joe finishes introducing me to everyone.

"Hi... I'm Demi. Nice to meet you guys..." I say as politely as possible in my special voice. You know that fake voice that everyone puts on for show whenever they're trying to sound like a polite and civilized person? That's my special voice.

"Very nice to meet you too, Hun." Joe's dad says to me, looking back to back out of the driveway.

I'm surprised I'm not more nervous than what I am.

"We're going to Milano's. You ever been there?" Joe reaches down and holds my hand.

"No..." I turn around and look at Selena.

Selena looks at me like she's going to cry. She gives me a very wide smile. "Honey, you look so pretty! Look at your hair... I didn't even know you dyed it! Demi... I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!" She leans up and hugs me awkwardly, to the best of her ability.

"I know! I miss you too... Oh my gosh... Look at your stomach!" I put my hand down on her belly. Her belly is getting pretty out there.

"I know... I'm huge. I'm so fat..."

"And none of it's going to your ass." Joe comments sarcastically.

"Watch your mouth, Joseph." His mom scolds him which makes me chuckle.

"Don't worry about him, babe. He's just mad that you look better than Demi." Nick whispers quite loud to her.

"Please. Demi looks like a beauty queen next to Selena." Joe retorts which makes me blush again.

"Both of y'all should just shut it. Danielle's the prettiest, end of story. Drop it." Kevin speaks up, joining in the playful conversation.

I have to say that I agree. Kevin's girlfriend is gorgeous.

"Frankie, who's the prettiest girl here?" Joe asks the little one.

The little one looks up from his Nintendo DS. "Mommy."

Both of Joe's parents die laughing in the front seat.

"Aside from mommy, Frankie!"

Frankie just shrugs. I'm already having a ton of fun with Joe's family.

I look out the window and the sign says that we're already in Port Orange.

"That didn't take long..." I whisper to Joe.

"It only takes fifteen minutes to get from Daytona to Port Orange." He rubs my fingers. "Did I tell you how sexy your legs are in skirts?"

"No, I don't think you did." I rest my head on his shoulder.

"I didn't? Well I'm telling you now." He starts rubbing my leg. My skirt is a little bit tight, being that it's a pencil skirt, but he manages to slip his hand up it. He rubs my thigh. "You just shave?"

"Mhm. Last night..." I nod. I keep my legs crossed like a lady.

"I love your legs, babe..." He whispers in my ear and kisses my cheek. He rubs the upper part of my thigh, right where my butt is.

"Do you?"

"Mhm." He kisses my cheek again. "Are you not wearing underwear?" He's rubbing my butt now.

"I'm wearing a thong..."

"Damn..." He kisses my lips as we pull into the parking lot of a big, pretty looking building. "I got you when we're done here. You're mine..."

"Sounds like fun..."

"It will be. Trust me." He opens up the door when we park and lets me out.

I step out and stretch. I notice Joe looking at my legs. "Keep your tongue in your mouth." I tease him.

He shakes his head. "I dunno if I can wait til later."

"Well you're gonna have to."

"Nah, I don't think so." He holds my hand and kisses my head.

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see."

I chuckle and turn around. Selena steps out the car too. She's wearing a pretty light purple sundress. She looks pretty.

"How's school without me?" She asks.

"It's horrible." I let go of Joe's hand and drift behind to talk to her. "I'm so lonely!"

"I'm gonna come back to public school after Luna's born. My mom already said I could." She grabs a strand of my hair and plays with it like she always used to. I'm thinking about the time we kissed. I don't miss it, but it's still crazy to think about.

"Do you have stuff for her yet?" We all begin to walk inside the restaurant.

"My mom bought a couple clothes and stuff, but nothing real serious just yet. You wanna come over and help me set up her room and stuff?"

"Yeah, sure." We approach the door to the fancy restaurant. It looks expensive.

"I think I want to make her room purple instead of pink."

We walk in the restaurant behind Joe and Nick's entire family. The restaurant is very big and it's dim lit. The only lights are coming from blur lights hanging from the ceiling. And I swear to god, there is a river flowing through the restaurant. I think it's Italian themed.

"Buonesera! Welcome to Milano's." A dark haired, tan skinned lady greets us. I think she's speaking Italian.

"Buona serata anche a te, ma'am." Joe's dad speaks Italian back. I'm a little confused, but okay.

"Reservations under Jonas."

"Certainly, follow me." The woman's accent is very thick. She starts walking through a long hallway.

I follow everyone in a single file line, because the hallway is just that narrow. This is very nice, but scary at the same time.

Joe holds me around my waist as I walk. I guess he can tell that I'm a little uneasy about this.

When we get out of the brick-wall hallway, we exit into what looks like a loading dock. We're getting on a boat?

There is an Italian man standing inside a very narrow boat that's floating inside the river. We all load into the boats, four people per boat.

Oh, I get it. I think we're supposed to be in Venice. You know how they travel around in boats in Venice? I think this is what it's supposed to be.

Joe sits next to me in the boat as the Italian man rows our boat. Selena and Nick and Kevin and Danielle are in the boat behind us.

"Fancy, huh?" Joe holds my hand.

"Yeah... Real fancy..." I look around.

"We only come here like once a year. It's pretty expensive here."

"I can see that..."

We get to our destination. There are a bunch of tables in the dining area. This is really nice.

Joe helps me climb out of the boat. We all wait on the next loading dock for everyone to be together. When Nick and Selena's boat clears out, we all walk over to a long table.

Like a gentleman, Joe holds out the chair for me to sit down. He sits next to me, and Selena sits beside me and Nick beside her. Kevin sits across from me, Danielle across from Joe and so on.

"Can I get you all something to drink?" The waitress asks us. She doesn't seem like she's Italian at all.

"I'll have a Pepsi." Joe says, flipping through the menu.

"I'll have a Pepsi too." I say. I look through the menu too. Everything on here is Italian. Pastas and pizza and salads all topped with Italian dressing. I guess you're fucked if you don't like Italian food.

"I'll be right back with drinks." The waitress closes her notepad and puts two baskets of Italian bread on the table. She walks away.

Joe's mom grabs a mini plate from the pile on the table and puts a slice of bread on her plate. "It's nice to finally meet you, Demi. We've had dinner with Selena and Danielle countless times... It's nice to have dinner with you."

I take a slice of bread too. "It's nice to meet you guys too." I smile nicely.

"As you can see, we're a big Italian family..."

"Yeah. It's... Nice to see how connected to your roots you guys are..."

"Big Italian family, but we brought the Mexican with us. Maybe we should stop at Taco Bell for her." Joe's father cracks a joke. I laugh slightly. That was funny.

"Shut up, Paul." Selena sticks her tongue out at him.

Joe's dad laughs a little more. "So... Are you Italian, Demi?"

"Sicilian." I nod. I take a bite of bread.

"You look it. I can tell by those beauty marks and those hairy little arms. Are you full?" Denise asks me. She seems fascinated with me.

"No... Only like... 75% or something..." I don't really know the exact percentage I am. I know that I'm pretty Italian, because I can remember my mom's grandparents speaking fluent Italian to me at family reunions. I know that I'm not full Italian, because I also remember my real dad's parents teaching me how to do some Mexican dance or whatever.

"Really? You look full. What else are you? German... Grecian?"

"...Mexican. Latina..." I say with a smirk.

"Make that DOUBLE the Taco Bell!" Joe's dad cracks up.

"You're Latina?" Joe seems surprised. He looks at me.

"Mhm..."

"Explains that ass..." He mumbles and keeps flipping through the menu.

"You're a pretty little thing. I think I've told you that before." Denise keeps looking at me. I'm blushing.

"Thank you."

"Are you guys ready to order?" The waitress comes back with all our drinks.

"Yeah, I'll have the uh... Gnocchi. With the garden salad and dinner rolls. Alfredo on the side." Joe orders his food.

I clear my throat. "I want the um... The cheese and beef ravioli with the meat stuffed shells, please. Salad for a side..."

I feel Joe's eyes boring into my legs. He's still looking at me like I'm a piece of meat.

"I like your outfit, Demi." Kevin's girlfriend says to me. Her smile is flawless too.

"Thanks... I like your top..." I compliment her back.

Joe's hands wonder to my legs again. He's rubbing me again. I just let him go.

"When's thanksgiving break start for you?" Selena asks me.

"Next Friday..."

Joe moves his hand to between my legs. I lock my legs around his hand, which isn't a bright idea.

"You want to stay over sometime during break? My mom's been askin about you..."

"Sure... I miss your mom too." I chuckle.

Joe's face is straight. He's looking over like he's listening to what me and Selena are talking about, but I know he's not. He uses his entire hand to pry my legs apart. He's strong.

"She was all like... "How's Demi? Invite Demi over." Selena mocks her mom.

I laugh again. "Yeah? I'll be over to see your sexy ass step dad." I joke with her.

Joe moves my underwear to the side and starts sliding two fingers along the outside of me.

"Who, Brian? Ew!"

I close my eyes briefly to cope with what Joe's doing to me. "He's hot..."

"No he IS not..."

Joe licks his lips and a slick little smirk wipes across his face. My legs are open as far as my tight skirt could possibly allow. Nobody can tell under the table though. To them, it probably looks like Joe's listening to me and Joe's conversation with his hand on my leg. He uses his two fingers to part me open. He slides in with only his index finger.

"B..Brian? He's totally hot..." I start to squirm a bit, but I keep control.

Selena looks over skeptically. A smile wipes across her face. She knows. She's gonna be a bitch about this. "Really? Tell me why you think he's hot..."

"Yeah, Demi. Tell her why you think he's hot." Joe says slyly. He has a smirk all over his face. He's moving his finger like he's tickling the inside of me. Oh my god.

I bite the inside of my cheek. "H..he's hot... I... Because he's... Hot..." I close my legs around Joe's finger again and squirm.

"Really, Demi? Is it his eyes? Is it his face?" Nick starts taunting me too. He knows what Joe's doing to me too.

The other side of the table has no idea. They're talking amongst themselves.

"I... I..." I babble.

"This Pepsi is so good, Nick. It's nice and wet..." Selena emphasizes the word "wet." "Demi, you have Pepsi, right? Tell me how wet it is... It's just right to quench your thirst, huh?"

Joe smiles a little more and used his thumb to tease me on the outside while he's wiggling his finger wildly on the inside. Oh god...

"I... I..." I babble some more. I'm gonna cum all over this chair in a minute. "I have to use the restroom!" I announce to everyone at the table. And that's it.

Joe takes his hand from between my legs casually.

"Joe, why don't you show her where the ladies room is..." Joe's mom says quickly and gets back to her and Danielle's conversation.

"Certainly. Let's go to the bathroom, babe." Joel's laughing. I'm gonna kill him.

"Hurry back." Nick teases us. Selena waves like a little bitch.

I look down at Joe's hand before we get up. His index finger is shiny from being wet and his thumb is just a little wet too. I'm gonna murder him.

I get up from the table, and Joe follows me, steering me to the bathroom. Like a little idiot, he sucks on his index finger. He's good at acting innocent.

"The bathrooms are right here..." Along a long wall, there are individual doors. Each door is a separate stall.

I turn the knob and go into the bathroom. I'm gonna kill Joe.

Instead of walking into the men's room like I thought he was gonna, he follows me into the tiny little bathroom. He shuts the door. "You alright?" He smirks.

"I hate you." I run the water at the faucet to wash my hands and calm my body down.

He shuts the bathroom door and locks it too. "You gonna let me finish?" He kisses my neck as I stand at the sink.

"Not in the bathroom..."

"Why not? Why do you think I followed you in here?" He picks me up and pushes me against the wall.

"In the bathroom, Joe?"

"Why not?" He pulls my underwear down to my ankles. He unzips his jeans and struggles, but pulls his dick through the hole of his jeans.

"They're gonna wonder where we are..."

"I'll make it quick." He kisses my neck. He opens my legs and braces me against the wall. He reaches over nonchalantly and turns the lights off.

"How quick?" I must be really horny, because I actually drip down my leg. I'm so wet.

"Quick enough." He moves me down so that we're lined up with each other. "Lift your leg up, baby... Lift it..."

I lift it up and he slides right in. He doesn't have a condom on, and he feels so good. He's so hard.

"Uhhh... Shit..." That's the first time I've ever heard Joe say anything when he's fucking me. "Open up a little more.. Little more.. Open for me..."

I open my legs wider for him. I know he's stuffing all inside me, because the rims of his jeans are getting wet. I've never been this wet before. "Mmmmm... Mmm... Mmmmm..." I'm moaning softly. Oh my god. I can't believe I'm letting him fuck me in a bathroom. I can't believe I'm letting him fuck me raw. There's no condom. And I can't believe it's feeling his good.

"Damn, you're wet baby. You're so wet... God..." He mumbles in my ear. He pushes my legs open so far that I hear the stitches in my skirt pop. My knees are resting on the wall. I didn't know my legs opened this far. I didn't know Joe could go this deep.

"Joe... Joe... Joe... JOE..." I'm trying to tell him to remember to pull out. My mind is going wild right now. Why does this feel so good.

"Shhh... Shhh..." He kisses my lips and reaches down to play with my clit. "FUCK... You're so wet baby..." He puts his face in my neck. "You feel m...you feel my dick?"

Oh my god, this is like the best sex I've ever had. Please pull out before you cum. Please... Fuck it. I don't care. I'm on birth control. "I feel it baby... I feel it..."

"Ughhhh... Demi... Demi..." He squeezes my waist and leans over. He's leaning so that his dick is fucking me to the side.

I curl my toes and my shoes fall to the floor. I've never seen Joe like this. I've never seen him so... Animalistic.

"Get it wetter, baby. Get it wetter..." He bites my neck. He uses his entire hand to play with my clit. I don't think there's a single inch of his dick that isn't inside me.

"I'm coming... I'm coming..." I dig my nails into his back. Ohhhh god... Oh god. "Ahhhhh... Ahhhhhhh!"

Something feels weird. Something...warm. It's oozy. It's gooey. He didn't pull out. It fills me up.

He breathes heavy and finally stops pumping me. I breathe heavy too and take my claws out his back. It actually feels good. His cum feels good... I'm not gonna get pregnant... I'm not gonna get pregnant...

Joe holds me on the wall so we can both catch our breath.

That was amazing. It was better than amazing. It was fucking... Phenomenal.

"FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck... FUCK!" Joe knows what he did. He realizes it.

He pulls out of me so fast it's not funny. "FUCK!" He lets me down off the wall. "Go pee, Demi. Go pee. Now.. Right now. Pee. And push it all out. ALL out..."

"I don't have to pee..." I shake my head.

"WELL TRY!" He puts his hands under my leg and holds me over the toilet instead of letting me squat. "Go pee!"

"I can't!"

"TRY!"

I close my eyes and really try to pee. A little bit comes out.

"Pee, Demi. Please pee. And push it all out..." I think he's gonna cry.

"I can't..." I shake my head.

"Then push it out... You have to push it out..."

"I don't know... What you mean..." I shake my head again.

"PUSH IT OUT OF YOU!"

"I don't know how..."

"Dammit, Demi!"

"I'm on birth control!"

"Dammit! Damn, damn, DAMN! FUCK!"

"I'm sorry!"

"FUCK!"

"We have to.. We have to go back. It's been like twenty minutes..."

"Please pee, Demi..."

"I can't... I don't have to..."

"FUCK."

"I'm on birth control... We'll just... We'll see what happens... We'll see... We'll see..."

He sniffs. He turns the lights on in the bathroom. His eyes are really red. He's crying.

"Joe..." I wiggle my thong back on. "Don't cry... Please don't cry." I hold his face in my hands. "We'll just see what happens. My doctor said I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting pregnant on birth control pills... It's okay... It was one slip up..." I wipe his tears.

"...I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be sorry. I'm not pregnant... I'll take a test... I'll take a couple. I'll take some... Next weekend."

"No, tomorrow. I'm taking you to the hospital tomorrow morning. You're gonna get the blood test."

"We have to go back..."

"Tomorrow, Demi."

"We have to go back..."

"Agree on it."

"Tomorrow..." I agree.

I really hope this birth control worked.

Oh my god, it better have worked.


	52. Results

"Isn't it a little early for you to be leaving out with Joe?" Aunt Kathy is up bright and early with me.

I thought it was going to be easy for me to just sneak out this early. It's 6:45 in the morning. But no. Aunt Kathy just had to be awake this early too.

"Yeah, well... The place he's taking me is only open early..." I take a nervous sip of coffee. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm just praying that I'm not pregnant.

"Oh, really? Where's he takin you?" She hands me the sugar cubes for my coffee.

"...IHOP. For breakfast." I lie quick on my feet.

"Oh... That's nice. I wonder what made him decide to take you there..."

"I guess he figured he already took me to lunch and dinner. He's never taken me to breakfast..." I look away. I can't look in her face while I lie.

Aunt Kathy sits down across from me. "So tell me where you're REALLY going." She stirs her coffee.

I focus on her gigantic belly. I hate lying. "We're going to IHOP..."

"Demi..."

"Yes?"

"You're lying to me."

Man, I wish the planned parenthood clinic wasn't only open until 10 a.m. It'd be so much easier to lie if we didn't have to leave this early. "No I'm not. Why would I lie?"

"I don't know. You tell me why would would lie to my face. Like you're doing right now..."

"I'm not lying, Aunt Kathy."

"Really, Demi? I think I've been cool enough with you this far. I thought I made it clear that you can tell me just about anything..." She looks at me with daggers. I can't tell her. I'll break her heart.

I just stay quiet, staring into my coffee cup.

"Alright. I can't make you tell me. But if it's serious, you should tell me..." She picks up the newspaper and starts reading it.

I just keep looking into the coffee cup. I'm about to cry. I'm lying to my aunt and going to find out if I'm pregnant. This is just too much...

"...Aunt Kathy?" I feel the tears coming. I keep staring into the coffee cup.

"Hmm?"

"Is there anything I can do... To make you kick me out?" I finally look up from the cup. I'm crying.

She puts down the newspaper and looks at me. "Are you going to tell me why you're lying?"

"...I'm not lying." I try to keep it up one last time.

"Yes you are, Demi. Because the nearest IHOP doesn't open until 10:30 on Saturdays, and even then the nearest IHOP is an hour away. You're lying."

I'm caught. I might as well just tell her. "Oh..."

"So tell me why you're lying. I'm more angry if you continue to lie. Just tell me the truth. Where are you going this early?"

"...Please don't kick me out..."

"Kick you out?"

I nod. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

"Just tell me what it is, Demi. I can handle it."

Oh no, Aunt Kathy. I don't know if you can handle this... "I have to go to Planned Parenthood..." I sniff.

"Planned Parenthood? PLANNED PARENTHOOD? Why?!"

I cover my hands over my face and just start sobbing. The last time I even came close to crying this hard was at my mommy's funeral. Please don't let me be pregnant. "Because... Y...yesterday I... We... We had sex... And there wasn't a condom..."

"Jesus CHRIST, DEMI. JESUS CHRIST." Aunt Kathy has never yelled at me like this before... Ever. "I BUY YOU CONDOMS! I BUY THEM FOR YOU! I JUST BOUGHT YOU A BRAND NEW BOX. ARE THEY GONE ALL FUCKING READY? WHY DO YOU HAVE SEX THAT MUCH?!"

"No... No..." I shake my head still sobbing. "No... They're not gone... They're not gone... I just didn't use one yesterday... But I'm not birth control!"

"YOU HAVE TO BE ON BIRTH CONTROL FOR A SOLID THREE MONTHS FOR IT ACTUALLY WORK, DEMI." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Oh my god... Oh my lord... Oh my god."

"I'm sorry! I tried to make him pull out but it just happened... It just happened..." I shake my head. I'm just sobbing.

"What happens if you're PREGNANT, Demi?! Then what?! HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID!? YOU'RE A STRAIGHT A STUDENT... YOU DUMB ASS."

"I said sorry... I'm sorry..." I hiccup and sniff.

"...You know... You know VERY well that your uncle and I are... VERY into church. You know that we go to church every Sunday. And you know that we don't ask you to go, Demi. You know we don't ask ANYTHING from you... Except to keep your grades up and stay out of trouble... And you pull THIS?!" She shakes her head. She's crying too. "As GOD as my witness, Demetria. GOD as my witness... If you're pregnant... If you're PREGNANT... I... I have NEVER laid a hand on you. Ever... But if you're having a baby... You better run. Because I'm going to hurt you, Demi. I'm GOING to hurt you. And then... I will PAY out of my POCKET to get you an abortion."

"An abortion?" I sniff. How hypocritical of me to have an abortion. I begged Selena not to...

"You're NOT having a baby, Demi. You are NOT having a baby."

"I...isn't that my decision?"

"You're sixteen. Nothing is your decision." I've never seen my aunt so angry before. I've NEVER seen it.

"A...I... I have to go..." I sniff and stand up with shaky legs. I heard Joe beep outside.

"You better pray it goes your way, Demetria. Because I'm NOT joking."

"...I love you Aunt Kathy.. And I'm sorry..."

"Just go, Demi. Go..."

I sniff again and walk towards the door. Dear god, I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant.

Please god.

* * *

_November 14, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today is BAD. Today is horrible. Today is the scariest, most nerve-wracking day of my life._

_So, let me start at the beginning._

_Yesterday, dinner was amazing. The restaurant was super fancy, and the food was delicious. _

_But while we were waiting for our food, Joe started touching me under the table. He was fingering me and stuff and then we went to the bathroom. I didn't didn't bring my purse to the bathroom._

_But it was so heat of the moment that I forgot it. And me and Joe had sex. Really, really good sex in the bathroom at the restaurant. It's not my proudest moment, mom._

_And Joe busted. Inside of me. He didn't pull out. He just busted. And it filled me up, so I know he did it._

_So today, he took me to Planned Parenthood. Aunt Kathy is SO mad at me. She didn't tell Uncle Jason about it, but she's LIVID. I have to have an abortion if I'm pregnant. Aunt Kathy is making me._

_I took a blood test today at Planned Parenthood. The nurse said that she'd call me back ASAP with my results. Joe put a rush on it, which was an extra $30._

_Joe was going to come over and sit with me, but Aunt Kathy said no. He cried when he had to leave me._

_He also cried in the clinic's office. Neither one of us want to have a baby._

_I'm grounded until further notice. I won't be off groundation until my results come back._

_I'm so nervous, mom. I'm so nervous. What if I'm pregnant?_

_I haven't told Selena about this. I haven't told anyone except Joe and Aunt Kathy. I don't want to alarm anyone yet._

_I'm just praying to god that I'm not pregnant. I will... NEVER have sex without a condom again. Ever._

_It's just sad how we practice safe sex all the time but have one little slip up and now it's the end of the world. _

_I just hope I'm not pregnant._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I don't bother folding up my letter. I just get up from my chair and lie down on my bed.

I call Joe. I haven't stopped crying at all today. It's a wonder I have tears left.

"Hello?"

"Hey..." I sniff.

"Hi baby... Did they call you?"

"No..."

"It's gonna be alright, baby. It's gonna be alright..."

"No it's not... I can't have a baby..."

"I know you can't have a baby... I know... And I'm so sorry baby... I'm so sorry..."

"...I just..."

"I'm sorry baby. It's all my fault... It's my fault, baby... It's my fault..."

"Joe... I..."

"...I'll be here, baby. I'm so sorry..."

"I know..." I sniff. "I know... "

"I... I'm gonna go now, baby. I have to take a shower... Call me when they call you. Okay? I love you..."

"I love you too..."

We both hang up. I feel so lousy. Please don't let me be pregnant. I can't be pregnant.

I'm a little thirsty. I roll off my bed and walk to the steps. I go downstairs and straight to the kitchen. Aunt Kathy hasn't said a word to me since this morning.

I go in the fridge and grab a can of Dr. Pepper. I crack it open and take a sip. I sit down at Jorge's cage. "Hi, Jorge..." I sniff and pet his head. "Hi baby."

Jorge whimpers and kicks my hand. I'm glad he still loves me.

Interrupting the moment is the telephone. The phone starts ringing loud.

"...I'll get it." I wipe my face. I know it's probably the clinic. I don't know if I'm ready for this...

I stand up and grab the phone off the hook. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Dr. Dell from Family Planning... Is there a... Demetria there?" A cheerful little voice booms on the other end of the phone. I hope the cheerful isn't to spread cheerful, baby-filled news.

"Speaking..." I mumble.

Aunt Kathy comes over and stands by me. "Is it them?" She mouths to me.

I nod.

"Hi, Demetria. I'm just calling to confirm your test results with you."

"Okay..."

"We got all your bloodwork back, and everything came back completely negative. We are... 99.9% sure that you are not pregnant."

I sigh. I sigh in relief. I sigh in IMMENSE relief. I'm so relieved. Thank you GOD.

"Okay, thank you. Thank you so much... Thank you." I smile so big. Oh my GOD I'm SO happy. I hang the phone up.

"Negative?" Aunt Kathy asks.

"Yes. Yes yes yes yes. YES. Negative..."

Aunt Kathy cracks a smile too. She actually hugs me. "Don't EVER scare me like that..." She hugs me tight. "Don't scare me, Demi."

"I'm sorry... I scared myself!" I'm so happy. Jesus Christ...

"...No more sex. No more..."

"No more sex without a condom, that's for sure." I laugh a little.

I'm SO happy. Oh my GOD I'm happy.

I have to tell Joe now.


	53. My Hero

_November 20, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I know it's been a while since I've written. To be honest, it kind of slipped my mind._

_I don't know if I told you, but I'm not pregnant. Me and Joe have been extra careful lately, because that was honestly a close call. _

_I'm on thanksgiving break from school, and I can honestly say that I've never been happier. Thanksgiving isn't until the 24th, but we have two weeks off school. I don't go back until December 4th._

_Since it's the first night of break, I'm supposed to go stay the night over Selena's tonight. I haven't called her yet, so I don't know if our plans still stand, but it's early._

_I don't want to tell Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jason, because I don't know if it's a big deal yet, but I'm really getting bad again. I think I'm getting bad, because school is terrible._

_Since Selena left, more and more people have started to hate me in school. Carrison was absent one day last week, so I had to eat lunch in the cafeteria. When I ate lunch, a girl dumped her milk on my tray. And in gym class, another girl kicked a soccer ball at my face and made my nose bleed._

_I'm not sure if it's a big deal yet, so I won't tell anybody, but mom, why can't people just leave me alone? I'm not mean to anyone. Why do people feel the need to be mean to me?_

_You know what else I'm having a hard time with? _

_I think I'm attracted to girls. Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the night me and Selena actually had sex. I kind of miss it._

_I'm so confused though, mom. My head is so mixed up. I... I don't know how to feel. I don't like girls, I don't think. And I don't think I would have sex with Selena again. But it's just weird to me to keep thinking about it._

_Am I bisexual?_

_I just need someone to talk to about all this, because this therapist thing isn't really working. _

_As always..._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

I wonder what I'm gonna do today, besides stay over Selena's. I'm already bored, and I just woke up like an hour ago.

"Aunt Kathy..." I call her as I walk down the steps to go see her. She's in the living room lying on the couch.

"What, Demi?"

"Will you take me to the mall today? I have to get some more jeans..." I sit down on the couch next to her.

"I'll take you tomorrow morning, honey. I'm tired today... T.J. is kicking my butt today..."

"...Can I go? By myself?"

"You don't have a license. Tomorrow, Demi. I'll take you tomorrow."

"Ugh. Okay..." I get up from the couch and go to the love seat so I can lay out. I turn on Law & Order, and Aunt Kathy doesn't seem to mind.

Just as I settle in to potentially fall asleep, the telephone starts to ring. I'd feel bad if Aunt Kathy had to get up and grab it, so I get up and grab it.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is Demi there?" The person on the other end of the phone asks. It sounds like Joe, but then again, it doesn't sound like Joe. Who is this? I never get phone calls.

"Speaking..." I say.

"Hi, Demi. How is your break so far?"

"...It's... Good..." Who the hell... "Who is this?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's Mr. Carrison, Demi."

"Oh! ...Hi... Sorry, I didn't know who it was... My break's going good. Yours?"

"I'm glad to hear that. Mine is going okay... Are you busy?"

"No... I'm not..."

"Well, me and Em are out and about, and we're a little hungry... And we're just wondering if you want to go grab lunch with us."

"Oh... Oh... Um... Yeah." I find myself smiling. "Yeah, sure." I nod. "I have to ask my aunt... Hold on." I set the phone down on the table and walk to Aunt Kathy.

"Aunt Kathy?"

"Yes?"

"Can I go out to lunch?"

"With who?"

"My math teacher... And his wife..."

"The teacher that you eat with in school?"

"Yeah, him..."

"I don't mind... Keep your cell phone on though. Answer if I call you."

"Alright. Thanks..." I go back and grab the phone. "Mr. Carrison?"

"I'm here." He says.

"I'm allowed to go..."

"Alright. Can you be ready in about 15 minutes? We'll be over to grab you. You live on Seabreeze right?"

"812 Seabreeze..."

"Alright. We'll be by in 15 minutes."

"Okay..."

He hangs up the phone, and I hang up too. I go upstairs to get dressed. I've never met Carrison's wife, so I have to make an impression.

I grab a pair of light blue skinny jeans with rips on them. I pull them on up to my waist. I grab a bright pink shirt that has A&F written on it in lime green letters. And I grab the jacket I bought to match the shirt. The jacket is pink with green and white plaid stripes. I stuff my feet into my black converse and head to the bathroom.

I brush my teeth and soon after, I pop a piece of gum. I wash my face off real good, then put eyeliner on my bottom lids. My tan is fading from summer, and I'm starting to look like a ghost with my black hair. I need to find a tanning bed.

I don't bother to do anything special with my hair. I just let it dangle at my sides in it's obnoxiously long length.

I stuff my cell phone into my pocket and a $20 bill in my pocket too. I go downstairs to wait.

"I'm leaving, Aunt Kathy. I'll see you in a little while..."

"Alright. Have fun. I love you."

"Love you too." I go outside and sit on the swing that's on the porch. I just wanted to be outside in case Mr. Carrison can't see the 812 on the outside of the house.

I'm not outside for more than three minutes before a silver BMW convertible pulls up. Is that them? The horn beeps. It's them.

I walk off the porch and over to the car. It's only Carrison. I don't know why I'm so nervous. Maybe because I've never met Emily.

I open the car door and get in the back seat.

"Hi, Demi. How are you?" Carrison turns around to face me from the driver's seat.

I buckle my seatbelt. "I'm fine...you?"

"I'm just peachy." He chuckles. "Demi, this is Em. Em, this is the Demi I've been telling you about." He introduces us.

She looks back to face me too. She's breathtakingly gorgeous. I thought Joe's mom was the prettiest woman I've ever seen, but Emily for sure has Mrs. Jonas beat.

Emily has tan skin. Not tan enough to be anything other than white. It's a sunkissed golden brown. She's probably just heavily Italian. She has long dark brown hair that falls in curls and goldish-brown eyes. She's gorgeous.

"Nice to finally meet you, Demi. Danny's told me so much about you..."

Danny? Is that Carrison's real name? Haha.

"Nice to meet you too. He's told me a lot about you too..." I smile. I wish I was that pretty. She's freakin gorgeous.

Carrison starts driving. "You ever been to Cracker Barrel, Demi?"

"Yeah.. I used to go back in Texas with my dad..."

"That's Em's favorite place to eat." He keeps driving until he gets on the highway.

I look out the window. They're such a nice couple. I wonder why it's been so hard for them to have a baby...

"So, Danny told me that you're a pretty good singer..." Emily talks to me.

"He did?... Well... Carrison lied..." I blush. My cheeks turn pink.

"First of all, outside of school, you can call me Daniel, Demi. Or Danny." Carrison clears his throat. "And secondly, I did not lie. You are a good singer."

"I am not a good singer. Don't listen to him."

Emily laughs softly. "Will you sing for me? I'll tell you if you're a good singer or not..."

"...Sing what?"

"Whatever's on the radio, honey. Here, let me turn it on. I have a couple CDs if you're interested.."

"Got any Kelly Clarkson?" I lean up a little bit. I'm not so nervous anymore.

"I believe so. I have two of her CDs..." She hands me the CD book so I can look through it.

I start flipping through it.

"I'm only putting in a CD if you promise to let me hear you sing to it... Deal?" Emily says playfully.

"Sure. I promise.. I'll sing ONE song."

"Good enough."

I keep flipping through the CDs. She has Kelly Clarkson, P!nk, paramore, The Sound of Superman album..."Here, put this in. Track number seven." I hand her the Superman album. Dallas bought me this CD for my 15th birthday. She bought it because it had a lot of my favorite bands on it.

"You got it." Emily grabs the CD and sticks it in the CD player. She skips to track number seven. "Ooh, I do like this song."

"Me too... I like the original better. Not the cover, though." Carrison comments too.

I don't want to brag, but I can belt My Hero by Paramore pretty damn good.

I start to sing, quietly at first until I get comfortable. "Too alarming now to talk about... Take your pictures down and shake it out... Truth or consequence, say it aloud... Take that evidence, race it around..."

Both Daniel and Emily are quiet. I guess they're listening to me.

"There goes my heroooo... Watch him as he goooooes..." I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. "There goes my heroooooo... He's ordinaaaaary..." The guitar chords just play.

"...Should I continue, or am I bad?" I ask.

"Continue. Continue. I love it..." Emily nods kind of fast.

I take another deep breath and start the next verse.

"Don't the rest of them bleed it ouuuut? While the rest of them peter ouuuut..." I lick my lips. "Truth or consequence, say it alouuuud... Take that evidence, race it aroooound..."

I look down at my hands. It helps me focus and not get nervous. "There goes my herooooo... Watch him as he goes..." I lick my lips again. "There goes my heroooo... He's ordinaaaaary..."

I wipe my hands on my jeans. I'm a head case right now. "Kudos, my hero. Leaving all the beeeeeeest... You know my hero... The one that's onnnnnnnnnnnnnn..."

"There goes my herooooo... watch him as he goesssss... there goes my herooooo... he's orrrrrrrdinaaaary..." I finish up. It wasn't so bad. It was just really nerve wracking.

"You're a really, really beautiful singer, Demi. It's beautiful... You really should consider singing. I've never heard that from a little girl before. That was amazing... You have to sing for me again..." Emily gushes. It wasn't that good.

"Thank you..." I smile a little. Am I a good singer?

I always thought people were just being nice when they said that.

Do they really mean it?


	54. Winding Down

_November 24, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_It's finally thanksgiving! It smells so good in Aunt Kathy's house. She's making all the food for today._

_It's going to be just me, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason and T.J. for dinner. Aunt Kathy said that it's always just them for dinner and not to take it personally because all the family comes in at Christmastime._

_I know it's been a while again since I've written to you, and to be honest, it's mostly because I haven't felt the need to. I haven't cut in a week either, but I'm trying not to jinx it._

_A few days ago, I went out to eat with Mr. Carrison and his wife. They really like me, mom. They made me sing for them, and they told me that I'm a really good singer. I think I might ask Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason for a guitar for Christmas._

_I saw my therapist yesterday. I think I'm starting to realize what it means to actually have a therapist. We talked for an hour straight and I actually did feel better when I left there._

_I'm really sorry if the letters start coming fewer and fewer, but that should be a good thing, right?_

_Joe asked me if I wanted to come over to his family's house for thanksgiving dinner today. I told him that I would love to, but I have to have dinner with my family first._

_Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason have really been planning for T.J. I finally realize that all these babies are going to be coming in my life._

_Selena is five months pregnant. Aunt Kathy is six. I think this is all just a big... Blessing._

_I'm really starting to feel at home again. Like Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason are mom and dad, and T.J. will be a little brother._

_I still love you, mommy. Please don't think that I don't._

_Until next time,_

_Love always,_

_Demi._

* * *

"DEMI! HURRY UP! WE'RE GONNA CARVE THE TURKEY WITHOUT YOU!" Uncle Jason screams up the steps. I'm in such an oddly good mood.

I run down the steps and dash to the dining room.

Aunt Kathy is busy making sure everything is heated up. Uncle Jason is beginning to cut the turkey. I take my spot at the head of the table where I always sit and wait for them to serve me my food.

"Do you want some of everything?" Aunt Kathy grabs a serving spoon.

"Yes please." I hand her my glass plate.

She piles the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn... All that good stuff on my plate.

I can't wait to eat. I grab a dinner roll and a butter knife.

"Here." Aunt Kathy puts my plate in front of me. "I made your mom's banana bread for dessert..."

"Ooooh." I coat my roll in butter. "Can't wait to eat it. I'll let you know if it's anything like mom made it."

"You do that." She chuckles and sits down next to me with her plate.

Uncle Jason grabs us all drinks.

We enjoy our dinner together.

* * *

"Joe, you should make Demi's plate for her." Denise hands Joe a plastic sectioned plate.

"Alright. Come on, babe..." Joe grabs my hand and leads me into the dining room. "You can sit next to me."

"Okay..." I follow behind him and sit down next to where he sets his own plate. "Nick and Selena coming?"

"Eventually they are. Nick's over Selena's eating first."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You like lasagna?"

"Yeah, I do... But where's the turkey?" I look around and I just don't see any of it.

"No turkey... We usually have turkey and ham for our Christmas. Our thanksgiving is all Italian food. It gets a little annoying..."

"Oh... I've just... Never seen that before. I mean, I spent one thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family. And they had a bunch of Mexican food but there was still turkey..."

"Yeah. It's a little annoying sometimes. My friends all eat turkey and stuff but we never do. It's kind of sad, but that's the price you pay for being Italian I guess."

"If you want some, you can come over to my house after we're done here. We have a bunch of turkey leftover..."

"I just might have to do that." He smiles. "Alfredo?"

"Yes... Where is everyone?"

He puts some Alfredo on my plate. "We make our plates one by one then we all eat together..."

"Oh."

"My family's a little weird."

"I'll say."

He laughs and kisses my cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too." I smile at him.

* * *

_November 30, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I know the letters have been very few and far between these days. I know this._

_But the truth is... I don't feel the need to write much anymore. Everything seems to be going good with me. I don't want to jinx it though._

_I think I'm definitely learning how to feel... Wholesome. I'm learning that everything may seem in shambles right now, but it will eventually be okay._

_My thanksgiving was great, mom. I ate with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason at first, then I went to Joe's house. Aunt Kathy made your famous banana bread, and I have to say that she did a fantastic job. Of course, it's wasn't as good as yours._

_I met Joe's grandparents and a couple of his cousins. His grandma really took a liking to me. She hugged me and called me "beautiful." Joe's family gets a kick out of the fact that I'm Italian._

_Joe's grandfather also likes me. He said that I'm a pretty little Sicilian girl and that's what Joe needs._

_Joe's cousins were the exact opposite. I don't think the one liked me, and the other liked me TOO much. Joe caught it too. We came back to Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's whenever the one started flirting with me._

_I guess for the most part that I'm okay mom. I'm pretty okay. And I swear I'm being truthful._

_I love you._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._

* * *

_December 1, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_I went back to school today from thanksgiving break. It was honestly a little bit boring. All my teachers except for my English teacher were absent. I guess it's taking them a while to get back from wherever they went on vacation to. I know that Carrison had to go to Virginia to visit Emily's family. _

_In other news, today, I cussed Bitch Amanda out. She made a remark about me and Carrison's relationship, and I told her that she was fat and annoying and that she should mind her own fucking business. I got detention tomorrow because of that, but it was very much worth it._

_I realize that it's probably weird to see me and Carrison's relationship, but I swear it's nothing like that. I don't even feel for him in that kind of way, and I know he doesn't think of me like that either. We're only friends. He's more like a dad to me. Plus, I'd never cheat on Joe like that._

_So, I've been counting down the days until Dallas gets here. She's flying down here on the 15th. I'm so excited to see her! She'll be here for two weeks before she has to go back to Texas. She spent thanksgiving with Maddie and Daddy. I'm glad that at least one of us was there for them. They're all flying down here to spend Christmas with us. Maddie and Daddy aren't going to fly down until after Christmas though. Daddy just isn't going to tell Maddie when Christmas is, because he doesn't want her to be sad about waiting to open presents until they get to Florida. _

_Christmastime in Florida is so much different than what I'm used to. Back at home, there's usually a little bit of snow on the ground. Here in Florida, it's still 67 degrees outside with the sun in the sky. This is odd._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._

_December 23, 2008_

_Dear Mom,_

_Sorry about the pause in writing to you. I've been enjoying my time with Dallas. She sleeps on the couch since the guest room is T.J.'s room now, but she doesn't mind. For the past few nights, she's been sleeping in my bed with me anyway. It reminds me of how it used to be whenever we were little when she sleeps with me. _

_I realize that not seeing Dallas everyday makes a big difference. I hardly recognized her when we picked her up from the airport, and I had seen her when I was in the hospital from Cody. Her hair is so long now, mom. It's so pretty. It's long and it's at least ten different shades of brown. And she's so skinny. Sometimes I wonder if the pretty gene passed me up, because Dallas is just gorgeous. _

_I'm about to tell you something funny. It's kind of a secret. _

_Yesterday, I took Dallas to the boardwalk with me and Joe's brothers plus Selena so that they could meet her. Kevin's girlfriend wasn't there, because she was doing something back at home, and Kevin was flirting so hard with Dallas. Me and Selena found it hilarious, but we're not allowed to tell Danielle because then she'd probably break up with Kevin. I told Dal that Danielle would beat her up if she caught them two flirting and Dallas said that she didn't want Kevin and if Danielle came at her the wrong way, she'd kick her ass. Me and Selena laughed so hard at that._

_My friends seem to love Dallas, and I can't really blame them. Nick thinks she's hot. Joe didn't comment._

_Dallas is thinking about moving to Florida. I think she's just talking and it won't happen, but I have a little bit of hope in my heart._

_Anyway, I'm going to go now. We're going to help Aunt Kathy bake Christmas cookies._

_Until Next Time,_

_Love Always,_

_Demi._


	55. Finally Home

_May 23, 2009_

_Dear Mommy,_

_I know. It's been a while since I've picked up this pencil and written to you. I hope you don't feel like I've left you out too much._

_The truth is, I'm writing this to tell you that I love you and I miss you and I know you'd be proud of me._

_Since I've stopped writing, I've gotten a lot better and a little bit worse._

_Let me start with the smallest thing. I think you should know that I don't call Aunt Kathy "Aunt Kathy" anymore. I've finally made the transition, and I call her "ma." I thought I was just going to call her "Zia" like we planned to, but it felt almost natural to call her "ma." I will never call her "mom" though. I don't know how this makes you feel, but I really hope it doesn't make you feel too bad, because I'm not trying to replace you. It just feels right to call her "ma", because she has been the best substitute for you. Nobody could ever replace you._

_The worst things come when I lie in bed and think too much about you, and I start to cry. But then I think about how you're happier in heaven and I feel better. And I think about the fact that you hated to see me cry. And for that reason, I don't cry anymore. I smile mostly. It still gets a little hard to think about the fact that you're gone. But it helps to think that I can...and I WILL see you again._

_On to the good things._

_I don't see the therapist anymore. I talked to her for a few months, but then she said she was proud of me and that I was doing fine. She decided that I didn't need her, and she discharged me from her list. So, I don't see a psychologist anymore, but I still see a psychiatrist every eight weeks. The psychiatrist asks me how I'm doing and she tells me if how I feel is normal. I do, however, take one tiny orange pill a day to manage my "manic depression" also known as bipolar disorder. I finally got a diagnosis, mommy. Isn't that what you and daddy wanted all along?_

_The better things in my life come in a plethora. And I can tell that it's different this time, because I don't get that bad feeling anymore. And when something good happens to me, I don't feel like something bad is going to follow. I feel like I deserve it when it happens to me._

_Most important good thing in my opinion is that Joe has proposed to me. I know it's a little silly for me to only be sixteen (and a half!) and already have a fiancé, but mom Joe IS the one. It completely took me by surprise when he did it. He took me back to Disney World on New Year's Eve and proposed to me under the fireworks. My engagement ring is completely different from anything I've ever even witnessed. It's not exactly a ring at all. It's a necklace with the ring attached to the chain. Joe got me a necklace, because he doesn't want me to get any snide remarks about wearing an engagement ring on my finger. Joe wears his on his finger, but I guess it's a little more acceptable for a nineteen year old to be engaged than a sixteen year old._

_I've already started my plans for what I'm going to do when I get out of high school, and even though I'm still a junior, senior year is literally right around the corner. I have to admit that It's not what I thought I was going to do all my life, but it's a happy transformation._

_I still love to draw, but I'm going to go to a performing arts college and major in music, because I've been taking singing lessons and I realize that I am actually very good at singing. Uncle Jason and Aunt Kathy have been paying for my singing lessons with my voice coach, but I do help them every once in a while because I got a job operating the bumper cars at the boardwalk's amusement park. It doesn't pay much, but it's a part-time job, so I don't expect much. It helps pay for my lessons every once in a while. It even helps me save at least twenty bucks a week to put away for college. Joe has promised me, his parents and my parents that he won't marry me until I get an education._

_Speaking of education, I've been doing well in school. Bitch Amanda leaves me alone, and school is no longer brutal. I'm at ease when I go to school now. I've been on the honor roll almost every semester._

_I also think that I'll play sports in college, because Uncle Jason seems to really enjoy watching me play. He can't wait until T.J. gets old enough for him to coach his team. Uncle Jason has time enough to work with me and take me to the batting cages now that he is formally out of the service._

_Selena is back in school and has been since Luna was born, almost a month ago. Luna was a month early, and she has a few complications with her health, but she is the happiest baby I've ever met. Her and T.J. really get along. I think Luna looks like Selena, but you could make an argument and say she looks like Nick. She has dark curly hair and chubby, tanned cheeks. I think she's adorable, despite her "complications."_

_The cuts on my wrist are mere scars now, and I've been treating them with this cream, so they're hardly noticeable. Uncle Jason bought me this pink cream to put on them so that the scars will fade. I don't think about cutting anymore, and if I do happen to think about it, I sing. I usually sing to T.J. He looks at me with his cute little blue eyes and he falls asleep when I sing to him. I like singing to T.J. He's my little baby._

_Everyone seems to be having babies these days though! Mr. Carrison and Emily are in the final stages of adopting a baby girl from Russia named Mallie. I've met her a couple times and she's adorable. She has blonde hair and green eyes. She's really cute. She'll fit into their lives well. Emily made me her designated baby sitter! So, I'll be seeing her a whole lot. Even though Carrison won't be my teacher next year, I'll still see him a lot, because he and Emily still invite me to dinner and lunch and stuff._

_More big changes are coming to my life, mommy. Aunt Kathy is having another baby sometime in December and we think it's going to be a girl. If it's a girl, they're going to name her "Ever Anne." I like Ever Anne as a name. It's unique. If it's another boy, they're going to name him "Liam Weston." I hope it's not another boy. I play with Luna all the time and she's so much more fun. Plus, her clothes are cuter than T.J.'s._

_In even better news,_

_Daddy, and Maddie have found a house here in Daytona Beach, and they're moving here in three months. I'm excited for them to be here, mommy! But, I'm not moving in with them. I'm staying with the best replacement parents I could ever ask for. The house they got is three streets down from our house, and it has four bedrooms just in case I ever do decide to stay with them for a weekend or something. Daddy is well on his feet now, and his job is allowing him to still work for them over the computer when he moves here. Daddy said he's tired of being away from me. I'm tired of it too._

_Dallas also transferred to Florida State, so she'll be here too. She's not going to the main campus of Florida State, because if she did, she'd have to in Miami two hours away. So instead, she's going to one of the branch-off campuses in Orlando which is only a half hour away, so she'll commute back and forth. I'm so glad I'm getting my family back. Everyone's going to be here except for you, but you'll be here in spirit, because I'm never letting your memory die._

_It took me nearly a year, but I'm finally at peace with the fact that you're gone and there's nothing I can do about it besides remember you. I've finally come to terms with your death. And even though it sucks, I won't let it tear me down like I've let it tear me down for the past year of my life._

_Please don't think that I'm trying to replace you, because I'm not. You were and still are the best mom I could have ever asked for, and I am still incredibly blessed to have spent fifteen years of my life with you. They were fifteen of my best years, but I'm ready to let all the sadness in my heart go, and I'm going to have fifteen more good years, because I owe it to myself._

_So I guess my real purpose of writing this letter is to tell you goodbye. Goodbye and thank you for listening, even on my worst days. Thank you for being there for me, mom. Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for letting me talk. Thank you for being my escape._

_This will be my last letter. I may not be too convincing right now, but please believe me when I say that I'm fine. And even on the days where my mind will wonder to that scary place again, I will still be okay because I have you watching over me._

_I don't know who I am yet, mommy. I don't know who I'm gonna be. But I will make you proud. And I will be a strong woman because I had you._

_I love you unconditionally. And thank you for being the best friend I've ever had._

_Love always, because there won't be a next time,_

_Demetria._

I scoot out of my infamous desk chair, and I fold up the letter. I put it with all the others inside a large orange envelope, and I grab a pen. I seal the orange envelope, and scribble down an address on the front. I put a postage stamp in the corner of the envelope and leave it safely on my desk.

I have to be ready in at least ten minutes or I'll be late.

"DEMI, COME ON!" Aunt Kathy screams at me. I know I'm running late. I'm sorry. I had to write my last letter.

"I'M COMING!" I pull up my gold socks to my knees and slide on my slip-on shoes. I toss my lengthy black hair up into a ponytail and grab my sun visor. It's grown out a lot in the past months. It almost touches my waist now. Joe likes it.

"WE'LL BE IN THE CAR. YOUR KEYS ARE ON THE BANNISTER." Uncle Jason takes his turn hollering up the steps. I hear the front door open and close.

Okay, okay. I'm ready. I grab my cell phone off my dresser and rush downstairs. I don't have to close my door anymore because Jorge stopped peeing on my bed. I touch my engagement necklace to make sure it's still around my neck. I won't do good in my game unless I have it on.

I grab my car keys and rush outside. I already have my car full of people. It's humid outside today. I feel bad making them wait for me. I feel even worse for myself because I have to go out and put all the catcher's gear on to play today.

I toss my big bag into my trunk and walk over to my Aunt Kathy's seat in the truck. I stroke my fingers along the smooth paper of the big envelope. "...I need you to mail this for me, when you get the chance." I say nervously. I hand her the big orange envelope.

She looks down at the address on it. She smiles. "I'll mail it first thing tomorrow, Demi." She pats my hand to let me know that she's there for me.

"Thanks, ma." I smile back and go to the backseat where the car seat is. "See you in a couple minutes, T.J." I coo in a little friendly voice for him as I rub his tiny fingers. He just remains asleep. Two month old babies don't really do much.

T.J. is cute though. His dark brown hair and his bright blue eyes make me melt like a Popsicle. I always give him a kiss before my games. I swear it helps me hit better.

I walk away from their truck and over to my red convertible. It was yellow when I first got it, but if I'm going to have a car, it has to change with me. And yellow isn't my favorite color anymore. Red is more mature. Red is my changing color. Who knows? Maybe by next month, my car will be blue. I'm changing everyday. I need room to grow.

I hop into the driver's seat of my car, excitedly. The last away game of the season, and I'm so ready to go out and kick butt. Especially with everyone watching me.

"You look so good in your uniform, future Mrs. Jonas." Joe leans over from the passengers seat and awaits my kiss.

I lean towards him too, and our lips meet. I've been dating Joe for eight months, and there are still sparks whenever we kiss. That's pretty damn good if you ask me."Thank you, Mr. Jonas." I smile after we're done kissing and hectically look back into the backseat. "Buckle up real good guys."

"Will do..." Nick says sarcastically, his eyes fixated on what's lying inside the pink and yellow car seat. He gives her a kiss and adjusts the hearing aid in her tiny little ear. I swear, she's such a happy baby that nobody would ever guess that she was born partially deaf.

I turn back and touch her. "What you doing, Luna bear?" She sticks her tongue out at me and turns her head to Selena. Selena kisses her cheek and puts a pacifier in her mouth. "Say I'm not doing anything, Aunt Demi." Luna closes her eyes. The hearing aid allows her to hear just a little bit, enough for her to know if you're talking to her.

I turn back around and buckle my own seatbelt. I think we're ready to leave.

"Hey, put this in the CD player." Selena leans up and hands me her CD. She has my number, number 15 written in eyeliner on her cheek. Fifteen was my mom's favorite number. Fifteen is also the age I lost her.

Things between me and Selena aren't as weird as they used to be. She's my best friend and I'm her best friend. We don't even think of each other in that way anymore. Come to think of it, I haven't thought about what went on between us in a really long time. Back when I actually was talking to the therapist, she told me that it was normal for young girls to experiment with their friends, and that almost all teenagers do that at least once or twice. She said it doesn't make me a lesbian, and it doesn't make me bisexual. It makes me "bicurious."

I pop the CD in my player and back out of my driveway. Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason and T.J. are going to follow us to the softball field for my away game. I'm the only one that knows how to get to the field, so they have to follow me.

They pull out their big black truck behind me. I start speeding up the highway with the people that care the most about me. The people that I care the most about in the world.

As I speed along the highway, on the way towards the field, the song that Selena wanted to hear comes on. And we all sing along, because we all know this song from the time we were all on the boardwalk together at the beach. Even Nick and Joe sing with us.

I don't want to sound like a bitten off version of my favorite book, but it's true. And I can't help but to relate how I'm feeling to how Charlie feels. I'm feeling infinite too. And infinite is a good feeling.

"I think about you in the summertime..." I sing along to the song that's playing.

"And all the good times we had baby!" Selena picks up where I left off. She's singing to Luna. Even though Luna can hardly hear, she loves it when people sing to her. Especially me. I put her to sleep a lot by singing to her.

"It's been a few years and I can't deny... The thought of you still makes me crazy!" I smile and grip the steering wheel tighter, glancing over at Joe. This is the first time he's ridden with me since I passed my driver's test last month.

"I hate New Kids on The Block." Joe mumbles, looking back at me. I could just kiss him again.

"Then don't listen." I joke around to him, laughing.

We pass the sign on our way to my game. The sign that says "You Are Now Exiting Daytona Beach."

I'm exiting Daytona Beach. My home. As much as I didn't want it to be at times, Daytona Beach IS my home. It's where I belong.

I think about that envelope I gave to Aunt Kathy. I think about how it contains all 60-something letters that I've written to mom. I think about how happy she'll be when she gets those letters.

And I know that the address I wrote on it doesn't exist. I know that I'll probably get the envelope back. But just knowing that I mailed the letters makes me happy. I addressed them to Mrs. Dianna Lee De La Garza. The best mommy in the world. I addressed them to go to heaven.

Like I said...

I don't know who I am.

I don't know who I'm gonna be.

All I know is that I'm living in this moment. And I'm living for me. I'm living with the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I'm living with the cutest "lil brother" ever. I'm living with the most amazingly happy godbaby ever. The best parents I could have ever wanted. And the most amazing fiancé.

And I realize that where you're born doesn't make a home.

I'm glad I finally found my home.

Where your heart is, and where the people that love you are...

THAT is what makes a home.


End file.
